Finish at the Start

The terminals got over. Four days of disaster. And weeks of disaster before that. After things get done, I can't believe that I actually went through it all when I look back.
A week back, I was telling myself, "One week from now and you shall be done!! You'll then be able to let the demons of exam stress rest a bit." Then the realisation that time doesn't go at lightning speed dawned on me. I knew I had to get through the whole week, being aware of each and every moment and what I did at each single time. The whole process has been exhausting. This should seem unfair because last year, at this time of the year, we were taking exams in Medicine, Surgery, Obs-Gynae, Paediatrics, Ophthalmology, ENT and PSM with practicals in 4 of those subjects. That was supposed to be the exhausting one. It lasted two whole weeks and seemed like a lifetime. At the end of it, I was happy that I got through it, almost unhurt :-)
This year, however, these 4 days have been torturous. Since the time May dawned, I have realised that I do take stress. And that eats into my sleep. Big time. I may go to sleep around 11, but I shall always get up between 3:30 and 4:30 pm. I don't even need an alarm. It just happens. And these few days during the exams, I have had to deal with just that. By the time my last paper came (Paediatrics), I wasn't even in the mood to study during the time I was awake, let alone get up early. I managed it, however. Telling myself that this was the last paper played a huge role in this endeavour. When those last three hours came, I couldn't write fast enough to get it all over with. When it actually did, realisation of the end swept into me. I had lots of things to look forward to. All my cousins, uncle and aunt are in India, and now, in their last week of stay, I finally have time to spend with them. My eldest cousin left for the US yesterday, so once the paper got over, I spent the evening catching up with him. Everyone appreciated how I still had the energy to have a kick in my step and bounce around everywhere when I came back home.
A few hours later though, the consequences of my escapades of the past few days started creeping in. I was tired. And now I felt it. My dinner was as good as not eaten and I just wanted to get into bed and sleep. Maybe hibernate for a few days. When we came back home from the restuarant, I couldn't even get my self to change. It felt like now that I had the time to just sit and not think, my mind decided to react to the pain and injury inflicted by the tedious examination timetable. When you get a swollen knee or something, as long as you ignore it, it doesn't affect you. The moment your attention wanders towards it, it gives you that first stab of pain and then follows the saga of injury. I went through the same thing.
Even today, 2 days after the exams have gotten over, I'm feeling the stress and the exhaustion. I had lots of things planned. I have to meet up with my friends, get my room cleaned, make a timetable for the next three months, start with my project work, spend some quality time with my grandparents, write my diary (haven't written in months). But, I can only sit in one place and stare (mostly into the TV). I don't feel like getting up and taking a bath either. It is the one thing I have to push myself in every way and do.
Talking about my To-Do list reminds me, my project just doesn't stop giving me problems. Three days before my examination began, I had to present my topic before the Ethics Committee of our College. I was sorely pissed. I was way behind my timetable and I did not have a minute to spare. They expected me to spare 2 whole hours for that stupid meeting. And then, they had so many comments to make, and so many changes to suggest, I felt like I had been asked to come there to provide them with some academic entertainment. At that time, the result was the least of my worries. I just wanted to go and study. Yesterday, I had to go to college to get my brother's Admission brochure. I thought I'd go and ask about the status of my certificate. They told me I should get the changes done to get it certified with the committee. I told that Professor that it wasn't possible for me to do that. It had been selected for the ICMR just the way that it was, and I had to it that way itself. And, since I had already got a provisional certificate from the committee, I had already begun the work. I just had to get it all done in the way I had presented it. She told me that I had to go and talk to the Head of the Committee.
I can't believe how 'lucky' I am. Since the very start of this project, I have had nothing but problems. It is amazing how much trouble you can have with a 2 month research project in your own college. You end up wondering if it all is even worth it! And, if the ICMR selected this project out of the many entries they got from all over the country, I'm sure they thought it was worth whatever I had written. That body is way more deeply into research than an Ethics Committee in any college. If they didn't have a problem, why should these people? I guess Monday will tell now. Lets hope I get a solution out of this whole mess..    

An Achiever's Strength

I'd love my readers to go through this article.

It reminded me of those two years - 11th and 12th grade. My seniors and their teachers had told me that these are your make-or-break years. You can either conjure up a formula to look at yourself with pride for the rest of your life, or you can make yet another burnt cake and regret it for the rest of life.
Unlike the author of that article, I do not come from a small city. Neither am I cash-strapped in any way. My parents were ready to do whatever it took, pay whatever was required, if it meant that I was going to succeed. Getting into a good college (mainly a Medical School, but Engg wasn't shown a closed door) was a priority, not for the economic security, but for the sense of pride and achievement that came along with it. I wanted to prove that we, Maryite's weren't just snobs without brains who shined in Std 10 and lost all steam in Std 12.
I shall be claiming falsely, if I say that I remember each and every moment of those 2 years. In fact, I have blocked out most of it. But, what I do remember is that, in those two years, I never lost focus and I tried the best I could to get through that CET.
I had a good foundation initially. Scoring a 96% in Std 10 and coming second in the city did a lot to improve my self-esteem. The hurdle was to keep going, not let this achievement get to me...to ensure that this was the first step and that I had to take many more. We decided that I would join a school, instead of a junior college. There would be less distraction, more discipline and less time to waste. My choice was Laxmanrao Apte Prashala. It was a complete contrast from my previous experience of St. Mary's School. In school, I was exposed to a Convent culture...a different method of thinking and doing things...looking at myself as an individual capable to doing things and having a certain amount of attitude about myself. In Junior college, the culture was the exact opposite. The students were very different...their mentality was even upto my level...they could do any amount of backstabbing to get ahead...the teachers preferred to support such things...they gave me s*** load of trouble including stuff like, not giving me books I'd paid for. It was a culture shock to say the least.
That worked to my advantage. I did not have to waste time making friends and carrying out my friendship duties. I did not have the distraction of hot guys walking around. There was just one goal- study. When I topped my 11th grade, I knew I had taken the right steps. This was just the beginning, however. My ultimate goal was to ensure I got into a reputed college (Med or Engg, it didn't really matter).
Std. 12 is an important year for every Indian Student. The system here is such that this year categorises you into a 'topper' or a 'duffer'. Now, of course, we have entrance exams that can be sat for multiple times. But, repeaters are never looked at in the same way as freshers. My 12th Std sucked. College-wise.
Suddenly, the so-called ok college of Std 11 became a nightmare with all the bitching, back-biting, low mentality of students and teachers alike, coming to the forefront. It was a s***hole. And that is exact word.
I think all this really gave me a chance to study on my own. My timetable is those days was so packed, I wonder when I even managed to sleep!! I had three classes and college. Every day. I don't know how I managed it. All I remember is watching the India Tour of Australia 2008-09 around that time. That was my solace. Cricket. It helped me forget everything :-)
My crash course was jam-packed. I had joined two crash courses with a Sunday Test Series at a third place. At times, my entire Sunday went in taking tests at each of these places. A few Sundays were devoted to the Entrance Examinations themselves. My mom says I used to sleep for around 4 hours. I had a class at 5:30am in the morning. From there, it was a long day, every single day of the week....
I'll say this frankly, I never thought about the result of my hard work. In fact, I didn't even think I was working hard enough. Today, looking back I know I worked my ass off. In fact, my Second Year PL hard work is nothing compared to what I did in that entire year. So, I deservedly got my reward. The CET paper almost magically decided to put forth tough Physics questions. I drew a lot of advantage from that. 'Coz the people who were actually good at Physics took more time than usual to solve their papers, and weren't even sure of their answers. I, on the other hand, knew my limits. I just skipped questions I didn't understand. I managed to read my paper twice, something that better-prepared people couldn't manage. Ultimately, I scored. Enough to get me into B.J. Medical College and follow my parents' footsteps.
An achiever's strength is that, whenever he or she looks back, there is always something to fall onto. That something is the evidence of determined, un-distracted, unwavering hard work. You don't just get lucky and succeed. For luck to smile on you, you need to show that you're worth it. You need to work hard enough to get that amount of luck. I know that if I hadn't solved those 20-30 physics sums daily, that paper would never have turned out to be tough for everyone. I'd still have managed my 37 marks out of 50, but everyone else would've got above 40. When I showed that I could put in the hard work to improve my physics, I got some help from the Powers That Be.
Today, 4 years down the line, when I look back, I don't regret anything. I can smile peacefully to myself. Those years are the golden years. They prepared me for what I want to achieve now. The feelings I went through on 14th June, 2008 are undescribable. But, now, at times when I get frustrated and want to just stop all that I'm doing, a walk down the memory lane to that day, pulls me up again. I know I have it me. I have proved things before. I can very well prove them now. That is an achiever. An achiever, who has been the product of those 2 years of determined, focussed and well-supported hard work :-)

Seventh Heaven and More :-))

If anybody ever questions me, "Why is Rafael Nadal your most favourite sportsman ever?" again, I shall only throw this picture into their faces.

KING OF CLAY

Congrats Rafa!!! You are AWESOME!!! What a journey so far!! And there are so many more to come!! When you celebrated on Monday, we all did :-)) Vamos!!! 

I found this song really really inspiring. There are times when you feel down and out. Songs like this one lift up your spirits. The Olympics are just a medley of endearing stories of certain unknown individuals who had the audacity to dream big and take the effort to make that come true. This song, I thought, does embody that very idea :-) Enjoy :-)  

When A Patient Said...

Outside of all the frustrations involved in being a Medical student in a GMC, what I really like about this profession, is the respect that certain patients give Doctors. Yes, times have changed. Today, Doctors are no longer considered Gods. Thanks to Mr. Amir Khan and his celebrated coverage of this field, we have managed to unearth some of the evils that are present all around us. That does diminish the nobleness of this field.
Having said that though, the smile on a patient's face after having gotten cured, is the greatest gift a doctor can ever get. Any doctor will vouch for this. And any doctor will tell you, that he strives to attain this very prize.
Yesterday, I took the case of an 86-yr old man. He has undergone a Below-Knee amputation, is not very oriented to his surroundings at times, suffers from Diabetes, has lost quite a bit of weight and overall is very weak. Yet, the smile on his face was evident. The happiness he had got after having undergone that surgery to remove his gangrenous foot, was shining on his face immensely.

"If I can have a sip of water from your hand, my life will be blessed."

As I normally do for all patients, I asked him how he was feeling now. Initially he was a little disoriented. he thought I was one of his relatives. When his daughter told him that I was a doctor, he took hold of my hand and thanked me for having gotten rid of his pain. He said, " If  I can have just a sip of water from your hand, my life will be blessed." Imagine this. An 85-yr old bed-ridden man, older than my grandfather, telling me (young enough to be his granddaughter, or even great-granddaughter) that his life would be blessed if I gave him some water! It should've been the other way round.
It is moments like this that make me realise that I want to do this so much. Yes, final year is horrible, the college sucks quite a bit, the profession is demanding, it is a long obstacle-laden journey. But, during this wonderful journey, there are going to be such moments...when somebody says something...somebody does something...it leaves such an impact. I know that those words are going to echo in my life for a long time. Those words were not meant for me. They were meant for the doctors who actually treated him. But, in a way, they were meant for me, as a doctor. Over the past months, I've struggled to find reasons to want to do all this, to want to still be in this field after my Internship get over in 2014. I've struggled to find love among all my subjects, desire to excel in them and the determination to do the hard work required. I've questioned my intentions a lot of times. When I heard those words though, I knew exactly why I liked this field; why I had taken it up.
I may not recommend the field with 100% gusto. But, I do know that there is a reason why I got into it. When I get into that real world (with the Designation of 'Doctor'), I know exactly what I'm going to strive for. It is that smile and that hope that somewhere some patient of mine will be satisfied enough to say the same thing to another Medical student and show him the light to the path that he was looking for :-)