The Day Before

I can't believe I'm being like this. Although, I actually believe it. yes, that blasted day is just round the corner and all I can think of and wish for is Jan 12th to return back.....ahhh...those wonderful first few days after exams got over....so relaxed, so carefree, so alive and so real....I can't bring them back, but I keep wishing for it.

I have no expectations this year, that I have to stay true to. The Rank 2 from last year managed to get that demon off my chest. Of course, I won't be terrified the moment I know the result is out (like last year. I freaked myself out. I swear I have a dual personality disorder. One is as cool as a cucumber, the other as Type A a personality as can be.). I know I probably did all I could for those exams. I was just glad to see them through and know, just know that I had managed to do enough to see the back of them. It isn't the same as last year. It is different. Yet, the fear of the result does not go away. Thanks to my awesome 2nd year result, I now have expectations that are so sky high, I simply know I haven't done that much hard work to do justice to them. I want to do so well. I want that No. 1 and that hurts.....it is no use asking for that No. 1 when you haven't put in the same amount of effort. When I haven't done enough, why should I want it? 

That is the question that plants the fear of tomorrow in my head. The passionate desire and the practical common sense clash, and that irrational desire always gets the upper hand. Whoever said that practicality is always victorious. I know exactly how I'll be feeling minutes before I open that page:

"Please please please God, let me pass (with really awesome marks, I'm not going to lie to you).

No God, just let me pass, I don't care about those 'awesome' marks (but I do!!).

NO God, let me pass....and let me get what I truly deserve (maybe a teeny weeny bit more?)

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know there are many others who have done much more than me, so you know, just give me what I deserve and get it over with. Nobody is going to ask me about this 10 years down the line (oh but they will, because more marks, stronger CV, better chances. Logic, girl.)

Damn your 'logic'. You know better than myself what I've managed to do and not do. I know you'll be just, because you have many people to care about, and frankly, all of them are asking you for the same thing as I am. So, thank you for some wonderful results in the past 2 years. Hope it is the same this year, at least enough for this year."

Yes, that will be the conversation in my head....between that Desire and that Practicality. Ultimately, the Practicality will get strong enough to drown that Desire's voice, but my Desire isn't one to back down so easy....it'll continue screaming...at a really low volume yes, but it shall continue. I hate myself for being like this (for being human actually....who doesn't aspire things out of their reach, eh?)...I'm not one of those self-centred people who think they are so important for the world to survive, so I do feel wrong when I pray the way my Desire just prayed. But, it is a trait I haven't been able to get rid of. All thanks to identifying my true potential after the disasterous first year. This does not just include the exam performance. It includes all those small post-end examinations that managed to make me believe I was good at Medicine.

Any way, I've enrolled for a Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support (BLS & ACLS), conducted under the aegis of Symbiosis Institute of Health Sciences in association with the American Heart Association. It starts tomorrow. I shall try and concentrate on the course and not answer any calls/messages or communication of any kind that says, "Results are out." Lets hope this has the same effect as taking a journey to a destination unknown.....to try calm my nerves down a little. I do have a strange feeling that that isn't going to happen....and that this course is not going to be as great as I'd initially thought it was going to be. I'm not much of a hands-on person...and that is exactly what this course requires. But, it is essential in my endeavour to be eligible for Universities abroad, so need to do it. Sigh.

Help me, Dear God....calm me down, let tomorrow be a happy day, and let this year come to a decent end :-)

Immortality

There aren't a lot times I feel like throwing out my modest and humble nature. As much as I try, I just end up telling myself that it isn't worth it to behave the in the perceived 'Maryite' manner (read: arrogant, snobbish, absolutely in the air, having an attitude, considering other people as dirt and not worth talking to). There are many more things I need to add to this list to complete it, but that would be another time.
Point is, I am a product of the school and I do have all of those 'qualities' (actually, I shouldn't even put this word is inverted commas, because I truly think that in the right kind of a person, these qualities are 100% what the word wants to portray). Somehow, I never seem to bring them out the extent that I have people cursing me for it.
But, today, I want to. I want to jump in the air and tell people that I am SO BLOODY GREAT!! I want the whole world to know that I have done great things and am going to do great things. I want people to walk up to me and ask for my autograph (or the medical equivalent of such a scene :-)). I want people to turn around and look at me twice and say, "Look, that's her!" Basically, I have reached immortality and I want to flaunt it. I want the whole college to know that my name has finally appeared on the Roll of Honour Board. BECAUSE IT HAS!! And it shall remain there, a proof of my achievement for generations to come :-)

Man, I feel like Gagan Narang right now. I don't have my name up there for three consecutive years or anything. But, I have it up there for that one year. That's enough to make me treasure it for a life time. An Olympic Medal is a medal- gold, silver, bronze...ultimately that podium finish is what every sportman dreams of. Congrats to Narang, by the way. He has actually made me believe that this hyped up Indian Contingent had some real people capable of delivering when it mattered.
Seeing my name on that board has ignited a flame inside me that wants it up there another time. I am going to work very hard to make that happen. Oh, and what made that moment extra special was that, I saw it on my  parents' wedding anniversary. The news and the photo made a very special gift for them. We have had 6 people from our family graduating from BJ Medical College. I'm the 7th and the 1st to have made it to that Roll of Honour. This is a matter of pride :-)

 Let's hope I deserve another try at this honour again :-))

p.s. I topped BJ in my 2nd year University Exams. That is what this post is related to. To read about it, refer to "From the Topper's Desk", dated February 25th, 2011.

I have noticed, that after talking about the second year dawning in front of me, I haven't exactly mentioned it at all. Truth be told, there is nothing to mention in the first place. We haven't started with anything. In fact, because half of the batch hasn't even arrived in college yet, the rest of us aren't going. I hate to admit it, but I am a little nervous about having to endure the wrath of all those people in the Department of Surgery, when we eventually to go there.
But, since that day is at least three days away from now, I want to enjoy this extended holiday of sorts, and laze around at home, sleep for 10 hours a day, read the same books again and again, and watch some really dreadful movies on TV ( Zee Studio needs some refurnishing......and Star Movies should stop showing those Chinese and Japaneese movies in the evening....HBO is still manageable, but for goodness' sakes, stop showing Troy a hundred times!!!).
Well, it is actually a boring life, but compared to the pace that awaits me, I'd happily want time to stop right now.
So having fun, and wondering how I'm going to get back to college.....

Second Year

So, with the second year dawning in front of me, I thought, lets make a change. After all, I'm going to be changing into a more conscientious student myself ( I REALLY hope). So, a new name and a new layout should encourage me a little more than I want it to.
I have heard that our clinical postings start from tomorrow ( 20th July). Its a little disappointing, because I was really enjoying myself.....enjoying lazing around at home, without having to do anything, but a doctor's life is never lazy, is it? Well, I guess, it doesn't really matter. I'll rue the loss of vacation for the first two days, and then start enjoying it all ( I'm hoping to, at least).
We'll be going tomorrow to check out which units we've been allotted, and then it is serious business. Looking forward to a new start and a new year and, most importantly, a lot more FUN!!