The Effects of an Illness

Ok, so as a part of growing up, you have to deal with illnesses. Some are small, the flu kind...they make you lie in bed for a few days, give you a headache, a sore throat, fever...u take analgesics, anti-pyretics, anti-histaminics and within a week, you get back to work. Then there are some other illnesses that lurk around inside your body for years before you come to know they existed. There are a few others that tend to show themselves now and then. We just fail to identify the symptoms.
I seem to have the third category. In past few months, there has been a lot of buzz about Vitamin B12 deficiency in my family. My very first patient correctly diagnosed was my mom. She had complains of burning patches over her toes. They used to just come and go. I asked her to get her B12 profile done and it did turn out to be B12 deficiency. A few injections down the line, she said she had never felt better! Her Physician pointed out a lot of other signs of B12 deficiency that she had. So, it had been around for quite some time. My grandmom has had problems with haemorrhagic patches over her skin. A little trauma and the next thing you know, there is a sizeable reddish purple patch over her arm. When my mom told her to get her profile done, she was diagnosed with B12 deficiency too. She can't tolerate the injections, but she takes them once a month to just feel better.
I did not think I was going to end up with it too. But, over the past year, I've been feeling that I'm having memory issues. I don't remember my friends' birthdays, can't remember people favourite foods, toys, cars, etc...and most bugging, can't remember things I've read like hours before. I could feel the contrast between Me of 2nd year and Me of third year. We got my profile done, and it was really really really low. I had a 137 where the normal lower limit is 211. I was put on injections immediately. The funny little patient I am, I can't tolerate pain much. I had some fainting episodes after the third and fourth injections. My parents decided no more injections for me. I was to stay of medication only.
Funny thing about oral medication is, you never know how much is exactly going into your body. So I even started with all the milk eggs and stuff. I couldn't feel much of difference really. I still had episodes of tingling and still felt my memory wasn't back to normal. But, yes, it did improve a bit.
It was only in this last week in my PL, that I have really started to think I might have gotten back to my really low levels of B12. B 12 deficiency is characterised by a lot of things. Among them, there is a point about mood swings. I don't have mood swings, but over the past week, I had started getting worried about my exams, worried about finishing my portion, missing my friends like crazy (to the extent that I messaged sentimentally to a few), missing my family when they'd go out for work. I kept thinking about the future and how it was all going to wrong for me. And these episodes would just turn up spontaneously. Next thing I knew, I'd have tears in my eyes and I'd be crying like there wasn't an end. It freaked me out. Because, I am not like this. I don't think about results and study. I just study. I don't think about the future. I live in the present. And, yes, I do miss my childhood like crazy and get sentimental, but I do NOT cry in this manner.
When I broke down in front of my parents, it was the last straw. Because I didn't even know what I was crying about. I was nervous and tense. About everything. Anything specific? I had no answer to that. We all knew I was ruining everything- my health, my mental capacity, and my chances of seeing these exams through. It was very frightening. Was this year so bad, that I'd turned into a mass of nervous wreck?
When I calmed down a little, I thought back to the time this had first happened (before my Surgery Paper during the prelims). I'd broken down at that time without any warning too. Then when I had my B12 tablet, I'd felt a little better, more in control of my emotions and senses. Then I thought about all the mornings nowadays, when I take that tablet. I'm not very tense at that time. The time I freak out is 5 am in the morning when I get up because of that fear. And, in the evenings. The period around 9 am -12 noon is a calm serene one. That got me thinking that I should start with the injections. Maybe not every day, but at least once a week. I am not the kind of a person thwarted by exams. I kinda live for them. SO there had to be another reason for my erratic behaviour.
And you know what, it has actually helped! I took an injection on Monday, and since then, I haven't felt any of that fear of destruction and that insane need to cry. I'm still a little concerned about staying alone at home, in case I go back my last-week self, but I managed to stay alone at home today afternoon and I'm just fine. So, yes, it has been my B12 acting up again. I'm actually a little shocked, because I sudden;y feel like a patient. A patient who was totally utterly lost and defeated and now, one shot of the medication has given him a new life. I think I'm going to take the injection monthly for the rest of my life. If I could get so tense about a stupid exam that I just need to pass, imagine what sort of hell I shall put myself through later on, when there are bigger and scarier things to deal with (patients' lives, for example).
Mom says I shouldn't take weekly injections right now. But, I so don't want all this to repeat again in my PL, I'll try convincing her to give me one more a week before my exams or something. Till then, its oral medication and being my normal self.
Phew!! Scary, freaky experience. For a moment I thought I'd have to go get myself a psychiatrist's consultation with a few prescribed medications. Let's hope it doesn't get down to that.         

New Year's New Gift

On 30th December, I attended the Installation Ceremony of Rotary Club NIBM of district 3131. My Mom was made President. It was one of those enlightening moments, you know. You see what all you can do with this preciuos little thing called Life. I haven't really got hang of the Rotary culture yet, but it was pretty clear to me that to get to that place, I'd have to do something meaningful with my life. Only then would I be in the position to give back to the Society, the Rotary way.
Meaningful started with doing well in my practicals, waiting for me pretty patiently in the suceeding week. It wasn't an easy ride getting there. As is the case in any college, we have log books called "journals". We are supposed to complete these journals and get them signed from our Head of Unit and Head of Department before we arrive for our University practicals. Unfortunately this year, our Ophthalmology journals were lagging behind on the HoD signature and she was in mood to give them to us that easily.
I do get her point. We went to her three days before the University examinations started. And, most of us had simply copied from our senior's journals. But, ultimately, every teacher wants her students to pass the examination and we thought the same applied to her.
To our utter misfortune, it did not. In fact, she did not seem to have an ounce of pity, let alone love, for any of us. The day before the examination, she declared she wasn't going to sign our journals. Since my batch (Batch F) had Ophthalmology practicals on the first day, we got ready for the worst...lambs for slaughter sorts...only worse, because despite everything, we were going to live and have to bear the consequences of our (and her) actions.
Imagine my utter horrifying disbelief on the day of the examination, when I heard that I was to be the first student to go to her and give my Viva. Was I scared? Yes. Not because I wouldn't be able answer anything, but because for the first ever time in a University Practical, I was carrying an incomplete journal. I should say I was lucky. I answered most of her questions and she didn't ask much about the journal. After hearing the conversations (if I may call them that - the students didn't really talk :-p) she had with the people after me, I was glad I got off easy...phew.. Ophthalmology was ok, actually...I could obviously have done better. But, thats just my love for the subject talking. In the past year, I just don't seem to have learnt the meaning of 'toning down'. I need to be the best at Ophthalmology, whatever may happen. I know it has hurt my chances of doing well, because I pushed myself too hard at that thought rather than doing it in action. It is over now, and finally, I can only pray that the examiner decides that I AM the best, and gives me marks to suit that statement.
With ENT, it was the opposite end of the pole. All I cared about, was passing in the subject. I think my problem with ENT has been a two-legged one. I don't like it and I don't understand it. There is no sane reason why that should be the case. I, personally, think it has to do with Genetics. When my Mom was pregnant with me, she was doing a one year residency in ENT. She couldn't stand it one bit. The thoughts got transferred to me at that time. So ultimately, I knew I hated the subject, even before I could reason out why. When I did reason out why, I found it had a lot to do with another subject I hated - Anatomy. ENT deals with the part of Anat I was never particularly good at - Head and Neck. With the 'brilliant' experience of Anatomy dealt with and over and done with, over two years ago, ENT dug out hidden skeletons and a lot of indecisiveness and insecurity.
I know that, when I write today, I have finished with ENT and I am surely passing in the subject. It doesn't make me happy. It makes me relieved. I have put a lot of work into pushing myself to the position where I can manage to be in a positive frame of mind with ENT. And that can only make place for relief. My practical was quite ok, actually. I wouldn't have thought of asking for a better practical. I can say this for sure, because when I was walking back from the department, I felt victorious for having gone through it and come out, all in one piece. With a stable mind :-)
Moving on to the third subject for the year - PSM. That practical was easily the best of the three. I know for sure that I have got my 20 marks of spots and biostats right. If not 20, at least 18 is garuanteed. And I had a good and a very good viva :-) The only crappy part of the practical was the time span - 8 am to 4:30 pm. There were seven of us left to complete the theory viva, when the examiners decided to go have lunch. It tested our patience. Every single bit. As one of my friends put it, "First they gave us a 40 day Prep leave only for the Practicals, then they gave us a 4 day Prep Leave only for PSM, and now they're giving us a 4 hr leave only for the Grand viva!!!" Ultimately, we all ended up chatting about the latest advertisements, the sitcoms, the stupidest jokes ever, all the PSM textbooks lying forgotten on the side. When the Examiners did come, all we wanted was to just finish off with the whole damn thing.
I think the New Year's gift this time, was good :-) there was definitely no let down in any way. And I am sure I shall be able to do well enough to remain mentally stable :-)
I have 4 days off now. 4 days before I go back the Year that is known to seep out every bit of energy left inside you. Vast subjects, no time, and things running like bullet trains. Thats what 2012 is going to be all about. Hopefully, by the year end, I shall have lived to re-tell the whole story with laugh :-) if not that, I shall still be telling the story any way :-) Happy New Year's to one and all!!
If this the year the world's going to end, lets end with a resounding happy bang!!! :-))  

The Pathology of Boredom

I wish for a lot of things. Always. Right now, however, I only wish I could make my life a little more interesting. A lot more interesting. There's absolutely nothing to look forward to when I wake up every morning. Except for a day filled with hours of studying and half hour breaks. Even my PLs last year weren't so boring. I guess, this time it is the combination of a lot of PLs and the same old chapters to be done all over again.
I fear I might not be able to do my best when Exams finally arrive (it doesn't seem like 'finally' though. Two weeks down the line, I'll be talking about how there's hardly any time left!!). I feel I'm not really putting an effort right now and that is going to hamper my prospects. In the race to finish and stick to my time table, I think I'm going to end up not doing  lot of things properly.
I gotta get back to studying now actually. Next time, I am going to write a bigger post. :-)