MATCHED

So, now that this journey has reached its first major milestone, I’m going to stop worrying, relax and write a post. I can’t get my head around the fact that I have matched and come 07-17, I will be PGY-1 resident at some awesome program in the United States. All that worry, indecision, regret, hopelessness, guilt, the awesomeness of the interviews has reached the end.

The worst part about applying for residency in the US is the long long journey. While my batch mates here, took one entrance exam, got ranked according to their marks and then participated in counselling rounds to get the specialty they wanted, I had to wait a year before I was even eligible to apply. Where they just took a single exam, I had to take 3 nine-hour exams, one of them in the United States. While they studied in the library of our medical school, I was applying for electives and experiencing the brilliance that the American Medical system is. Its been a whirlpool of all sorts of emotions. Worth a movie really. Or at least a book – The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Match J

I have questioned myself at numerous times throughout these past two years. The first time: when I got my first rejection for a clinical elective. I probably disguise a bit my own low self-confidence in the form humility, but I was asking myself why I even thought that any university would love to have me there. Then came a great moment, when Yale sent me an acceptance into their Infectious Diseases clerkship. I could see my plan forming a little bit, moving a couple of steps.

And then it stopped again. No more acceptance emails. I needed at least one more elective to get the minimum required US Clinical Experience (USCE). And nothing. One fine day, I get an email from Harvard saying I was accepted into their elective. The elective that clashed with my Yale dates. I had to reject it. I remember saying to my mother on the day I left for the US, “if I get one more elective, it’s a sign from God that this is the path I’m meant to take.” Harvard decided to smile upon me yet again and offered me a second elective, this one at none other than Mass Gen Hospital. Yes, during those two months, I felt pretty great about myself.

The USMLE exams are a whole different ballgame. Studying for them was tough, yes. But, sitting through an 8 hours exam for the first time ever, is enough to knock you flat. I knew I didn’t do fantastically well on it. When I got my score, I knew it was good. But that’s just what it was. Good. Not the best, not awesome, not the see-the-score-read-the-eras-profile kind of score. When I took the Step 2 CS, I was sure I had given it everything I had. I wasn’t sure whether it was enough though. I think everyone needs to take this exam once in their lives. It is so real and so strange. I was pretty sure I was going to fail it, actually. Because I thought my cases were weird. Now I know everyone says the same thing after coming out of this exam. I was most petrified of that result. The moment I saw that ‘PASS’ written on my score report, I started crying. That was a first. Crying because I felt like I’d gotten some major victory under my belt.

It was after this result that I went into a sort of manic mode. I decided that applying immediately would serve me best. I ended up taking the Step 2 CK as late as I possibly could, but still early enough that I’d be eligible to apply in Match 2015. That exam was a disaster. When I came out of the Prometric Centre, I knew I would be questioning what went wrong in my head, when I decided to take this whole USMLE plan through. Even now, I feel a mix of relief and disappointment when I think of my CK score.

My next questioning moment was when I applied to fewer programs than everyone else in the same boat. When I was doing my research, it made sense to me, to apply to programs that could see me as a potential candidate. Why should I apply to a program that said they wanted 3 months USCE when I had only 2? Why would I apply to a program that was situated in a place I knew I’d never stay in? So, yes, it all made sense at that time. After MyEras opened and people started getting interview calls from everywhere, I questioned all of that rationality. What harm would it have done to apply to a few more?? When I got my first interview call, I was delighted. Again, this plan appeared to move further towards its destination. Then came the stop. Nothing more for almost 1.5 months. I started thinking back-up plans, avoiding my own thoughts to avoid my own questions and wondering why at 24, I couldn’t even believe that I was 24 years old.

Going to the interviews was nerve-wracking to say the least. I had half a mind to not get into that US-bound aircraft. I was more than happy to run away and figure out something else for myself. I had to keep playing all those morals I had learnt from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings in my head to give me courage to face this head on. It did not matter that I actually had fun at the interviews, met new people, made conversations with students from all over the world and felt great about my chances. When I came back, I had another disaster heading towards me – my ECFMG certification.

Once you get your degree, you send ECFMG (the Dean’s Office for International Medical Graduates) a copy of that degree. They look through it and then send a form to your medical school, asking them to verify stuff from their side. The school is supposed to do this and then resend the form to ECFMG who finally verify your medical credentials and issue the ECFMG certificate. As has been the pattern in my USMLE prep, this took ages. I had to get certified before the last date of Rank-Listing. Phone calls to ECFMG and trips to my medical school did not seem to fasten the process. That was the first time, I decided to bury my head in the sand and just let go of this dream. It was sort of my fault that this process did not happen earlier, right? If I’d planned things properly from the very first day of my internship, I’d have spent a happy February with nothing to worry about. Instead, I spent sleepless nights and frowning days, avoided talking about the future even when my parents pushed for it, dove into fiction as if it were my last tank of oxygen. When that certificate was issued 6 days before the last day of Rank-Listing, I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I was reborn. At least now, if I did not match, it would be because I wasn’t good enough. Not because I didn’t have the documents in place.

You’d think that believing something like that, rejection because you’re not good enough, would be a blow to your mental health. But, I’d rather have a failure that I could blame myself for. Maybe this is a little childish, but it gives me a sense of clarity to think like that.

Now, lets come to Match Week. Frankly, I did not believe that it was really happening, All that I’ve done, the electives, the exams, the interviews still feel like a dream. I’ve never thought that I could be brave enough to do it all, so looking back, it doesn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe that I would match because of this whole dream thing. I mean, how could it really happen right? How could a dream just become reality?

I had a sleepless Sunday night. Having avoided the thoughts for the whole day by keeping my mind busy, I couldn’t bring my mind to calm down during the night. I was jittery. I had to attend a new OPD, shadow a new consultant on Monday. That always makes me a little nervous. Add on these nerves, and I was pretty gone. I jumped at the opportunity to convert this OPD day into a research day instead. Then I plugged on my head phones and listened to music and buried myself in the records section of the hospital. When evening came though, there was nothing else left. No defence mechanisms that could suppress the thoughts of not matching and having to deal with SOAP (the post-Match Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program). When you are in a time zone that’s 9 hours ahead of the US, it sucks to participate in the SOAP. You can’t be physically present for any interviews that might come your way. You have be up all night to make sure you at least get a skype or telephone interview. And you have just 2 hours to accept an offer. This goes on for 3 whole days. If you are at an institute like mine, where you are busy all day from 7 am in the morning, this is a nightmare.

It goes without saying that I did not want to have to go through SOAP. But, I couldn’t stop stressing, couldn’t stop thinking. And then fate decided to intervene. The wifi connection at my house decided to give way. Completely. And it refused to right itself. Suddenly my thought were torn from having to participate in the SOAP to whether or not I would be able to even see my Match status in the first place. I had to make the decision to come back to my hostel room and rely on the so-s- wifi here. That relaxed me a little. For a while I had to think about arranging transport to the hostel, my food requirements, etc.

Of course, the moment I got to my room and set things up, the jitters came back. This time, good old site-load helped me through. I couldn’t open the NRMP pages fast enough, there was no message anywhere saying that I had/hadn’t matched. That made me believe I hadn’t matched of course. So I went onto the SOAP link. And it said: You’re not Eligible for SOAP.

There is only one reason why you go from being SOAP Eligible on the Friday before Match Week to being SOAP Ineligible on the Monday of Match Week. Several agonising minutes later, I saw the message that calmed me to numbness, such a strange numbness I think I floated out of my body and saw myself sleeping peacefully for the next three nights in that hostel room bed.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE MATCHED!

I think in the line of major achievements, this by far trumps everything. I don’t know where I’m going to my residency. I know that the places I interviewed at, I loved. So anything I get will be awesome and make me happy. I can’t ask for any more. What I can do now, is reflect on how this journey helped me grow up a little. I know if it hadn’t been for this decision, I would never have ventured out of my own city. Instead, I flew all over the US twice in the past year and am now spending a month in Hyderabad by myself. I would never have been capable of believing that I can meet new people and make new friends, and not feel out of place. I would never have known that I do have the mindset and belief to see myself through anything.

I never believed that I’d ever take the path less trodden. Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” had struck a big chord back in school. But I never thought I’d embark upon something like that. You always hear stuff like, challenge yourself, get out of your comfort zone, the success you achieve by going straight ahead is never sweet enough. But do you actually do it? I’d like to believe this me doing that. Yes, I always wanted to get my further education in the US. But I saw myself going through SAT/GRE and getting into some academic program there. When I got into medical school, those dreams were buried by the wealth of knowledge there was, to accumulate.

I never liked Frodo Baggins in LOTR. I felt he was too dark, too depressing in his journey to destroy that Ring. I understand him now. Yes, my life was never in danger, I did not have to worry about the basic necessities of life in this journey, but it was a journey that questioned me, a journey that put obstacles in my path, a journey that challenged but did give some respites.

I have always loved Harry Potter for facing challenges head-on and getting through it all. He was the first to say he always had help, but what use is the help if you don’t have the courage to stand in the battlefield? I had to dig deep into my own stores of courage, gather every dialogue from both these series that shaped my childhood. I might still not feel very worthy of any new achievement that may come my way. But, I know that if I could snag a residency in the US, be the first from my entire family to do it in medicine and feel proud of myself right now, I will be able to do anything I want in the future.

My family and God, thank you so much for supporting me through this and allowing me this opportunity. To my Idol, the late Kalpana Chawla. You talked about a journey from a small village in India to the stars. You have always been my inspiration, from the time I had a photo of the whole Columbia Team stuck to my study table, to every interview where I talked about you and your incredible journey. I hope that this leap I am taking from my own small city to the Land of the Free will help me build my own new dreams and reach for my own stars.

I matched! Game, Set, Match J

The Effects of an Illness

Ok, so as a part of growing up, you have to deal with illnesses. Some are small, the flu kind...they make you lie in bed for a few days, give you a headache, a sore throat, fever...u take analgesics, anti-pyretics, anti-histaminics and within a week, you get back to work. Then there are some other illnesses that lurk around inside your body for years before you come to know they existed. There are a few others that tend to show themselves now and then. We just fail to identify the symptoms.
I seem to have the third category. In past few months, there has been a lot of buzz about Vitamin B12 deficiency in my family. My very first patient correctly diagnosed was my mom. She had complains of burning patches over her toes. They used to just come and go. I asked her to get her B12 profile done and it did turn out to be B12 deficiency. A few injections down the line, she said she had never felt better! Her Physician pointed out a lot of other signs of B12 deficiency that she had. So, it had been around for quite some time. My grandmom has had problems with haemorrhagic patches over her skin. A little trauma and the next thing you know, there is a sizeable reddish purple patch over her arm. When my mom told her to get her profile done, she was diagnosed with B12 deficiency too. She can't tolerate the injections, but she takes them once a month to just feel better.
I did not think I was going to end up with it too. But, over the past year, I've been feeling that I'm having memory issues. I don't remember my friends' birthdays, can't remember people favourite foods, toys, cars, etc...and most bugging, can't remember things I've read like hours before. I could feel the contrast between Me of 2nd year and Me of third year. We got my profile done, and it was really really really low. I had a 137 where the normal lower limit is 211. I was put on injections immediately. The funny little patient I am, I can't tolerate pain much. I had some fainting episodes after the third and fourth injections. My parents decided no more injections for me. I was to stay of medication only.
Funny thing about oral medication is, you never know how much is exactly going into your body. So I even started with all the milk eggs and stuff. I couldn't feel much of difference really. I still had episodes of tingling and still felt my memory wasn't back to normal. But, yes, it did improve a bit.
It was only in this last week in my PL, that I have really started to think I might have gotten back to my really low levels of B12. B 12 deficiency is characterised by a lot of things. Among them, there is a point about mood swings. I don't have mood swings, but over the past week, I had started getting worried about my exams, worried about finishing my portion, missing my friends like crazy (to the extent that I messaged sentimentally to a few), missing my family when they'd go out for work. I kept thinking about the future and how it was all going to wrong for me. And these episodes would just turn up spontaneously. Next thing I knew, I'd have tears in my eyes and I'd be crying like there wasn't an end. It freaked me out. Because, I am not like this. I don't think about results and study. I just study. I don't think about the future. I live in the present. And, yes, I do miss my childhood like crazy and get sentimental, but I do NOT cry in this manner.
When I broke down in front of my parents, it was the last straw. Because I didn't even know what I was crying about. I was nervous and tense. About everything. Anything specific? I had no answer to that. We all knew I was ruining everything- my health, my mental capacity, and my chances of seeing these exams through. It was very frightening. Was this year so bad, that I'd turned into a mass of nervous wreck?
When I calmed down a little, I thought back to the time this had first happened (before my Surgery Paper during the prelims). I'd broken down at that time without any warning too. Then when I had my B12 tablet, I'd felt a little better, more in control of my emotions and senses. Then I thought about all the mornings nowadays, when I take that tablet. I'm not very tense at that time. The time I freak out is 5 am in the morning when I get up because of that fear. And, in the evenings. The period around 9 am -12 noon is a calm serene one. That got me thinking that I should start with the injections. Maybe not every day, but at least once a week. I am not the kind of a person thwarted by exams. I kinda live for them. SO there had to be another reason for my erratic behaviour.
And you know what, it has actually helped! I took an injection on Monday, and since then, I haven't felt any of that fear of destruction and that insane need to cry. I'm still a little concerned about staying alone at home, in case I go back my last-week self, but I managed to stay alone at home today afternoon and I'm just fine. So, yes, it has been my B12 acting up again. I'm actually a little shocked, because I sudden;y feel like a patient. A patient who was totally utterly lost and defeated and now, one shot of the medication has given him a new life. I think I'm going to take the injection monthly for the rest of my life. If I could get so tense about a stupid exam that I just need to pass, imagine what sort of hell I shall put myself through later on, when there are bigger and scarier things to deal with (patients' lives, for example).
Mom says I shouldn't take weekly injections right now. But, I so don't want all this to repeat again in my PL, I'll try convincing her to give me one more a week before my exams or something. Till then, its oral medication and being my normal self.
Phew!! Scary, freaky experience. For a moment I thought I'd have to go get myself a psychiatrist's consultation with a few prescribed medications. Let's hope it doesn't get down to that.         

The Break

Did I take a break? Not really. So, after the exams, I had to complete and send my research project to the ICMR, clean up my room, clean up  the house, get some decent sleep, just get away from studying for a few days. Unfortunately, that did not exactly happen. I couldn't do everything and when time came to get away to Mahabaleshwar for the weekend, I had spent an entire night trying to get my project done and was carrying all my work with me.
It is such a pain the ass to do something like that. I haven't been to Mahabaleshwar in a decade. I was really excited about roaming around there. Having the incomplete project hovering about in my thoughts did help much. Mahabaleshwar was wonderful....cool, windy and very friendly. On Saturday, we enjoyed our hotel completely. We were staying at Evershine Keys. Nice hotel :-) lovely food :-) Yesterday, we visited all the "Points" in Mahabaleshwar. My favourite had to be Kate's Point. It overlooked a river...the water was crystal blue, and it reminded of the Pacific Ocean for some reason. The scenery all over Mahabaleshwar is so pretty!! I simply love to places like that, so I've been one happy person over the weekend. Knowing that I have to start studying from today males me cringe, especially after reliving all those wonderful memories of the weekend.
The market in Mahabaleshwar was so inviting!! There were shops after shops of footwear of all kinds, purses, handbags, hats, artificial jewellery and the pride of Mahabaleshwar - Strawberry with Cream :-)) Mom and I went crazy with all that footwear...we bought so many!! Over all, I had a wonderful time.
What makes me relaxed even more today, is that I managed to finish writing my report yesterday night and sent to the ICMR. I was worried that there may be a lotof load on the site (after all, today is the last day of submission). But, sending a report at 2 am in the morning always eases the load a little :-p
My experince with this project has been enriching. It wasn't enjoyable. I remember that initial period. It was all new, the hunting for patients, talking to them, convincing them to take the required tests, interactions with the lab personnel, getting the statistics done, getting my ethics certificate...and the most difficult of the lot, trying to get my Guide to talk to me for a few minutes. Getting into the groove and setting a time table that I could follow was a task. Juggling my studies, exams with the time that went into this was an even bigger ask. I've already given up hope that I'll match my own standards of the last two years. I just want to do well enough to be proud of myself and this year...
Lets see how everything pans out. I hope they accept my report. The four months have been tough and I don't want any more trouble related to this project. Best of luck to me for the next one month :-)

The Prelims Over :-)

Looking at the few results that have come out, its not been the happiest of times, but its not like I expected to rock my exams.

These 3 weeks have been nerve-wracking. First, it was back to back papers. That pretty much left you with no time to really brood over the previous paper or the next one. My acid-test was the Surgery paper. My relationship with Surgery hasn’t been smooth. I like the subject. I love it. Its amazing how that is possible. Surgery is Anatomy clinicalised, if there is such a word. I used to HATE Anatomy. I couldn’t visualize anything in there. But, here I am, 3 years down the line, liking the subject that is the advanced course of the subject I hated.

Any way, so as much as I love the subject, I’m not very confident about it. So, when it comes to an exam or a practical I get so paranoid. The day before my Surgery paper, I was at my wits’ end. It is all thanks to my dad who somehow got me through that paper, with all his discussions the day before. Before my Surgery 2 paper, we did the same, but it wasn’t as successful. My paper wasn’t the dream that I wished I’d had. It was a cross-over between a normal dream and reality.

The rest of the subjects have been ok. I know my Obstetrics paper wasn’t as great as my Gynaec paper and the difference in the marks showed it. I know that my Med 1 paper was 100 times better than my Med 2 paper. Yes, those marks showed that too. My practicals were pretty fine. The Gynae pracs were especially better than expected. I got decent marks too. My internal assessment marks for my pracs are more than those for theory, so that does say something. The med practical was supposed to  be fine, but my marks didn’t show it. I was pretty disappointed with that.

At the start of this prelim exam, I just prayed that I get through it somehow, any how. I did. THAT is an achievement. For a month back, I was totally unprepared. Totally, completely, fully. I didn’t know how things were going to fall in place. They did. Not perfectly, but they did. To me, that is all that matters. A friend of mine says I’m overly competitive. I don’t believe that is true. I know the kind of answers I write or give in Vivas. After having taken exams for the past 20 years, I can say I’m an expert at it. There was a time when my papers were held up in front of the class to demonstrate how a paper should be written. Even now, in medicine, there is always something that I like to incorporate in my answers to make them better than the person before me. After all, the checking of papers is relative, isn’t it? All students study the same amount. All students write the same amount. They write the same things too (biology of the body won’t change with each paper, will it?). The difference between a 67/80 and a 40/80 is the method of presentation. It is your answer that shows your ability to succeed. And, I know I have to keep doing that to score more.

Do these scores matter anywhere? Not really. But, they do stand to give me a shot of confidence. So, I know that next time I write a Gynaecology paper, I shall be sure of myself when I’m writing it. The Obstetrics paper, on the other hand, will require some more effort on my part. When I know that I’m managed to score among the top brass of my batch, I know that I’m up there knowledge-wise.

These upcoming preparation leave days are going to make all the difference. I know that. It is going to be one tough month of studying. But, having gone through my prelims, I know I need to work extra-hard to stop myself from losing it before or during the paper. Our practical dates have also been declared and they are a month away from the theory exams. So, the upcoming 3 months are going to be the make or break of my Medicine journey. In this last leg, I can’t give up or be loose. I’m going to make each and every day, each and every second count.

Finish at the Start

The terminals got over. Four days of disaster. And weeks of disaster before that. After things get done, I can't believe that I actually went through it all when I look back.
A week back, I was telling myself, "One week from now and you shall be done!! You'll then be able to let the demons of exam stress rest a bit." Then the realisation that time doesn't go at lightning speed dawned on me. I knew I had to get through the whole week, being aware of each and every moment and what I did at each single time. The whole process has been exhausting. This should seem unfair because last year, at this time of the year, we were taking exams in Medicine, Surgery, Obs-Gynae, Paediatrics, Ophthalmology, ENT and PSM with practicals in 4 of those subjects. That was supposed to be the exhausting one. It lasted two whole weeks and seemed like a lifetime. At the end of it, I was happy that I got through it, almost unhurt :-)
This year, however, these 4 days have been torturous. Since the time May dawned, I have realised that I do take stress. And that eats into my sleep. Big time. I may go to sleep around 11, but I shall always get up between 3:30 and 4:30 pm. I don't even need an alarm. It just happens. And these few days during the exams, I have had to deal with just that. By the time my last paper came (Paediatrics), I wasn't even in the mood to study during the time I was awake, let alone get up early. I managed it, however. Telling myself that this was the last paper played a huge role in this endeavour. When those last three hours came, I couldn't write fast enough to get it all over with. When it actually did, realisation of the end swept into me. I had lots of things to look forward to. All my cousins, uncle and aunt are in India, and now, in their last week of stay, I finally have time to spend with them. My eldest cousin left for the US yesterday, so once the paper got over, I spent the evening catching up with him. Everyone appreciated how I still had the energy to have a kick in my step and bounce around everywhere when I came back home.
A few hours later though, the consequences of my escapades of the past few days started creeping in. I was tired. And now I felt it. My dinner was as good as not eaten and I just wanted to get into bed and sleep. Maybe hibernate for a few days. When we came back home from the restuarant, I couldn't even get my self to change. It felt like now that I had the time to just sit and not think, my mind decided to react to the pain and injury inflicted by the tedious examination timetable. When you get a swollen knee or something, as long as you ignore it, it doesn't affect you. The moment your attention wanders towards it, it gives you that first stab of pain and then follows the saga of injury. I went through the same thing.
Even today, 2 days after the exams have gotten over, I'm feeling the stress and the exhaustion. I had lots of things planned. I have to meet up with my friends, get my room cleaned, make a timetable for the next three months, start with my project work, spend some quality time with my grandparents, write my diary (haven't written in months). But, I can only sit in one place and stare (mostly into the TV). I don't feel like getting up and taking a bath either. It is the one thing I have to push myself in every way and do.
Talking about my To-Do list reminds me, my project just doesn't stop giving me problems. Three days before my examination began, I had to present my topic before the Ethics Committee of our College. I was sorely pissed. I was way behind my timetable and I did not have a minute to spare. They expected me to spare 2 whole hours for that stupid meeting. And then, they had so many comments to make, and so many changes to suggest, I felt like I had been asked to come there to provide them with some academic entertainment. At that time, the result was the least of my worries. I just wanted to go and study. Yesterday, I had to go to college to get my brother's Admission brochure. I thought I'd go and ask about the status of my certificate. They told me I should get the changes done to get it certified with the committee. I told that Professor that it wasn't possible for me to do that. It had been selected for the ICMR just the way that it was, and I had to it that way itself. And, since I had already got a provisional certificate from the committee, I had already begun the work. I just had to get it all done in the way I had presented it. She told me that I had to go and talk to the Head of the Committee.
I can't believe how 'lucky' I am. Since the very start of this project, I have had nothing but problems. It is amazing how much trouble you can have with a 2 month research project in your own college. You end up wondering if it all is even worth it! And, if the ICMR selected this project out of the many entries they got from all over the country, I'm sure they thought it was worth whatever I had written. That body is way more deeply into research than an Ethics Committee in any college. If they didn't have a problem, why should these people? I guess Monday will tell now. Lets hope I get a solution out of this whole mess..    

Remember Me??

Yes, it has been a while...a long long 'while'..and no matter how long a post I write, it just won't make up for the time I haven't written anything.
But, today, I got a very special request from a friend of mine. She is my greatest friend in college, and we somehow end up doing the same kind of things. We also like the same kind of things too. She told me yesterday that she was going to start a blog, and read up a few entries from here, today. She messaged me, " Continue writing. Please :-)''
I felt so NICE. Its just the word to describe the feeling. It isn't I-want-to-dance joy, and definitely not i-want-to-scream-to-the-world happiness. Its that calm positive feeling you get when somebody pats you on your shoulder and says, "Good work"...when you look at that beautiful morning and know you're happy to be alive...when that dark starry sky tells you time can stop and you can stare at it :-)
There you go, now i so feel like writing. So many things that I want to write about- college, PSM (it will always have that very 'special place in my life :-p), books I've read, thoughts that keep haunting me in between my study time, friends, life events...so much!!
But, I don't have that kind of time, and I still want to honour my friend's request, so I'll just say a big thank you to 2011.

Dear 2011,
Yes, you haven't been an easy year. As is always the case, you haven't been an easy ride full of smiles. There have been tears- of joy, of sadness, of anger, of hatred. But, you have made me think for myself and given me a treasure-trove of experiences that make me the person that I am today. And, yes, I am a better person than I was a year back.  
Professionally, I did a lot things this year, and I am so proud of having done each and every one of them. They gave me a sense of achievement and a self-confidence in my abilities. I know I haven't been able to match up to my expectations when it came down to studying from the exam point of view. But, I do know that I have enjoyed learning new things this year, and that will always be there for me, wherever and whenever  I need it.
Personally, I still feel like the same person. I think I have grown a little more mature, but I will never ever let the kid in me go away. It is nice when you know that you have this little kid to fall back on, to give you tiny microscopic moments of happiness :-) I think I have grown to control my temper a little. I may still be short-tempered, but the temper doesn't reach the peak it used to. And I have been able to place excellent arguments for my temper, so that means my minds works great even when I'm angry (which is an achievement :-P).
There are times when you have been very harsh, 2011. Times when I didn't know why things were happening the way they were. Times when I wondered what had suddenly gone wrong in the planetary system that I was facing such situations. But, you pulled me out of them. I stand here today, with my back to them. Memories live, but, hey, you did a pretty good job of pulling me out.
Thank you 2011. For being a normal year. For giving me love and hatred...for giving me joy and unhappiness..for making me feel special and small...for giving me success and failure...most importantly, for bringing me closer to some very special people in my life. I don't know what I'll do without you guys...you guys are my solid rock - this is to my whole family and all my friends..love you guys :-)
You are a dear year to me. I have learnt to appreciate every single moment in my life. And I shall always look back at you and hope that every time you shall say to me, "REMEMBER ME??"

Love,
Jill

Wow, that sounds like a thank-you speech you get to hear at a life-time achievement award ceremony!! :-P Unlike you, my dear Jill :-)
Any way, this post is obviously dedicated to my friend and her kind request. There you go, girl. You better read this :-)
p.s. It is so nice to feel the desire to write again!! I was starting to feel so lost. After all, words are my strength. Without them, life is meaningless. And its good to be back!! :-) 

Two term-ends coming up!!....I hope...

I finally finished with all my Anaesthesia cases. Wow! A relief! I couldn't get sleep on Monday night thinking about how many of them I had left!! I kept telling myself that I should be able top complete three cases the next day so that I'd have a shot at finishing them all, well in time. The sleepless night paid its results, and today I stand (rather, sit) in front of the computer proud to have taken all 10 cases complete with the signatures and everything.
My Anaesthesia term-end is on Saturday only. We tried to make the lecturer take it tomorrow, but the attempt was pretty futile. I don't know how it is going to be possible to give two term-ends on one day. But, I want to finish off with both then. I don't want that Radiology term-end to get postponed to 30th May!!
I've started studying for the Terminal exams coming in the last week of June. I do hope I will be able to do just fine, and not disappoint myself once for a change.
That is actually it. Nothing else going on in college right now. The atmosphere is one of gloom, tension and exams...

OVER!!!

And so they are. No more formalities left, and no more last minute prayers. My exams have officially ended and I am taking the deepest sigh of relief I can manage.

Practicals turned out to be ok. When I look at each of them separately, of course, I can easily point out the best and the worst. Because, I did have them. So, since I do have time right now, I'd like to reveal my best and worst. Here goes,

12th January, 2010:

FMT- We went and waited for almost an hour and half before something actually happened. And that something was quite an event. One of the peons told us that we'd been called in groups of 10. I got up ( I am amongst the first ten in our batch from r.nos. 145-174). Making a quiet and steady line, we went to the cold room where they conduct all the post-mortems. God! The only thoughts wandering in my otherwise empty mind, were," Crap, please don't tell me you are going to take the Viva here!!! Surrounded by dead decaying partially open bodies!!! I'll faint before you manage to finish your first question!"

The HOD was there, with a fresh body beside him. A 'mama' (that's what we call the ward boys in coll) was standing next to him, fully loaded with knives and scalpels, already having finished half the job of removing the viscera. This was the body, our HOD told us, of a criminal, killed on the previous evening. He had received three bullets, and the bullets were being looked for, in the viscera.

Frankly, this is what I'd expected to find when I came into medicine. A dead body, as fresh as live.....raw, red blood oozing out on every cut.....the viscera all shiny red with sickening yellow mucous attached at places....the bones looking all glistening yellow.....

One entire year and I finally saw what I was looking for. It was quite a sight! The criminal definitely looked like a criminal. I could imagine him, and the scene around him, when he was alive. He looked frightful even in that state!!

The HOD showed us one bullet which they had managed to find, and the organs it had managed to pierce. The liver looked bright red, and very innocent!! (the second batch that went in, came out telling us that the second bullet was found in the liver. It didn't remain innocent any more!)

The only thing that grossed me out more than the dead body, was the smell. We're used to formalin now (although it never fails to bring tears into my eyes:-( ). But, the smell here was the one associated with the slaughter-house, the cutting up of raw meat....the smell of dead rats...the usual smell we all run away from.

Thankfully I did not faint, and came out pretty impressed. The viva took place after that and I had a good time. I had our HOD questioning me and I answered everything. It was a satisfactory viva, and I think he understood that I knew my subject. He looked particularly excited when I mentioned 'Panchanama' and descrobed what a warrant was. Day 1 was successful amd satisfactory.

13th January, 2010:

Pharmacology- The first thing to mention here is that I fell ill. Again. I got another round of cold and cough, and fever in the evening. I think it is Pharmac. Even before the theory paper, I was in a state. But, this time was worse. I decided that it did not matter, how the practical went.

The spots were a little tough. But, I think I got the drugs right in the table-work. I'd expected to totally be lost when that came along. So, I was more than just satisfied. The pharmacy viva was good and simple. My label turned out to all correct, and I answered all the questions correctly. There was a lot of participation from Dr. Momin (my examiner), with his gestures of agreement. So, I'm assuming that to be a good sign. The grand viva was plain horrible. I was reminded of what Anatomy used to be last year. The difference was that this was worse, because instead of a PG student, I had in front of me, a Professor, who got the impression that I was at the other end of the intelligence scale. It hurt. Illness not withstanding, I did not deserve such a bad viva. But, it was over, and thats all I cared about.

14th January, 2010:

Microbiology- The one started with tough spots. They were pretty out of the world. But, I realised later on that I had got the Spore Stain correct, and I couldn't feel more proud of myself. if I could get that, I could definitely get above 5 in the spots. The Viva on culture media and biochemical tests could have been better. I knew the stuff she was asking, but I needed her to prompt a bit. But, the 'her' in question was Dr. Suvarna Joshi ma'am, who was smiling all through. Its always nice to have a teacher in front of you, who can put you completely at ease, and calm you down. And Dr. Joshi's smile does exactly that. So, despite knowing that I did not do as well I could have done, I came back saying that it had gone pretty ok. The Gram stain and Zeihl-Neelson stain were a little messy. A lot of pink and purple on the fingers. Also, it is difficult to look for bacilli in the ZN stain. Luckily, I showed that slide to Manoj sir, and he said wat I thought was the bacillus, was actually a bacillus! Wow, that's new! I'd neevr gotten the hang of ZN staining. The Gram stain was easy, and I got Gram +ve rods, which the teacher said, were correct.

Dr. Dohe ma'am took my grand viva. It revolved around the two stains only. She only asked me about differences between Bacillus and Clostridia, because they were the differential diagnosis of my result in the Gram stain. I liked the viva a lot. I answered almost everything. There was some question, to which my answer was,"I don't know", but I don't even remember what it was. She asked me if I was a localite, where I stayed and said I could go! I felt happy and at ease.

15th January, 2010 (today):

Pathology- If there ever were an average practical, this would be it. The spots were good, the slides were easy. The first viva (on the two slides I had to identify) was ok. I could answer some, could answer a question on Typhoid. The slides in question were, that of Acute Ulcerative Appendicitis and Tuberculoid Leprosy.

The grand viva was ok. She didn't ask me much, I answered a fair amount. Nothing that led to "I have no idea ma'am", but nothing that had me jumping up and down with the answer. So, thats what it was.......quiet.

Note: Pathology might have gone better if I hadn't ended up with my worst stage of laryngitis today. Now, I have even given exams in this dreadful voice!!

So, thats the description. Its pretty easy to decide the order of practicals according to my performance. So, here goes.....

1. FMT

2. Micro

3. Patho

4. Pharmac

Thats my order of liking. And my marks should be accordingly. I'll come to know within in a few days...

Till then, it is going to be two days of complete rest and silence. I can't even bear to hear my voice. And I desperately need to eat, sleep and live like a loser who has nothing to do in life :-)

Ok, now eyes are tired and the HCl in the stomach is screaming out aloud for food to acidify. Hail, 2010 again!!! May the start be a good one!!

Examinations - The Chapter

I've tried my level best to try and describe Exam Time in a Medical College....And failed....MISERABLY. Mostly because I didn't have the time to write all that I felt. So I thought, I'd try right now....only a little differently. Through chunks out of my Diary which would describe what I went through them.

* Dates to remember:

26th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 1

27th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 2

29th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 1

30th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 2

1st June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 1

2nd June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 2

30th June, 2009 - Anatomy Practical

2nd July, 2009 - Physiology Practical

5th July, 2009 - Biochemistry Practical

Excerpts from my Diary:

8/5/2009:

" Well, things aren't going all that well. I just CAN'T seem to FINISH!! I was supposed to end a 1st revision on Sunday. And its just not happening! I'm gonna push to Tuesday and hope I can still manage 3 revisions. But, you know me, Jili. So it all looks a little bleak."

11/5/2009:

" Managed a fair bit of Central Nervous System ( Physiology) and I'm actually on top of the world!! Its funny, how small things just make me smile like anything!!! Things are a little tough, but I'm, well not enjoying, but keeping the humour intact. After all, ur spirits need to be up in the high sky to make it through all this, right?"

19/5/2009:

" Alright, I'm a little worked up here. I knew I'd said I'm not going to take tension, but, wen you are way behind a schedule you've had to change twice to make sure you manage stuff once at least, you are in murky waters there. And, can you believe it, its Physiology that's getting me worked up. Not 'coz, I haven't done it once. Its because, I haven't done it twice!! Anatomy, I have 5 days. I can move the heaven of Anat on earth if I have to. But Physio's getting unnerving here. Ok, girl, cool down. Deep breaths. Remember that weirdly dark sky that you have neen seeing at 2:30 and 3:00 in the morning for the last few days. And smile. They're all there to sail you through. You are gonna pass. I promise."

Well, I really did have it coming to me. Especially since I couldn't move the heaven of Anat on earth in those last five days. But, I guess that happens to everyone. The papers were much better than I thought they might be. And considering that I was pretty much on the verge of puking and fainting just before my Anat papers, I'm glad, I came out with a smile saying " Its over!!" At that time, I knew I'd done well, because I wrote everything that I could remember. Looking back, I'm not so sure. But, its Medicine and this stuff does happen. Physiology and Biochemistry were good too, although the last paper ( Bchem II) was definitely the worst of the five. Point is, you can't expect to have six smashing papers. In fact, we'd been warned that either paper I or paper II is tough. So, since the paper Is went well, there was always the fear that the paper IIs would be disasterous. So, I'm happy that my worst paper was the last, and I didn't even have the energy to ponder much on it.

Excerpt from my entry on 3/6/2009:

" Exam's reduced all the weight I put on. It has worn me down; mentally, physically, inevery way possible. All those 2-3 o'clock nights the week preceeding and all the 40hour sleeps in the past week.... But, its over!! And for the pracs, its not going to be like this. So, I'm dead pleased."

Practicals was a whole different ball game, as I managed to realise, a triffle late if I may be permitted to say. It included our journals ( to be learnt cover to cover) and the ENTIRE portion for the grand viva. So, I got worried sick about Anatomy again. And it was pretty bad too. We had revision practicals and they were definitely better than I thought they might go. But, its me, and I always seem to believe that I am the worst BJ can get, at Anat. Its not true, but its something that has stuck on, despite having decent practicals. So, I'm just relieved that its all over, and praying hard that I don't have to do it again. Physiology and Biochemistry practicals were good too. Biochemistry actually qualified for " Good", in the real sense of the word. They were not exciting, nothing out of the ordinary. Just simple, quiet practicals. It is another matter that we were all absolutely impatient to get over with it all and say " Finally, its OVER!"

So, I'm going to say: The last four months have been the toughest and I definitely do NOT want a re-run of them in the years to come. I've learnt my lesson and its time I start studying from day one....Not as seriously as " I've got exams tomorrow" , but serious enough to prevent blotchy entries in my diary saying " I've got exams tomorrow". We're told that first year is the toughest. I've just put a bit of it behind me. And wait for my results to make sure that all of it is behind me.

Till then, I've decided to catch up on sleep, books and 'time-pass' that I've sorely missed doing in the past few months. They have really shaped my life, and I find it hard to believe that I finally have free time!! So, I'm lazying around. And doing it well. Friends, family and books.....and a new " Learn to Drive A Car".....I've got almost nothing on my plate (compared to the past months)..... and am making the most out of it.

Exam Time - 2

We're officially half way through the terms now. We had our third and final theory paper today. It wasn't as good I wanted it to be. But, I've learnt to make up lines and lines of absolutely meaningful bullshit in these three papers, and that counts for something. Today was no different. There were questions I could have answered in one line, but because they were for 4 marks, I had to fill up the page with serious crap!! Guess, if any of my teachers come across this entry they will be nodding their heads off in agreement. Sorry guys, sorry having to make you go through the torture of reading some of my answers, but please know that if it hadn't been for the marks, I wouldn't have bothered!
Tomorrow starts the second innings of our term-match: the practicals. We have biochem tomorrow, and on the eve of such a practical, my friends and I are battling the big questions. " Are the journals allowed for the Quantitative analysis? Or do we mug up our entire journal?" Well, its a funny life during exam time, really. I've just finished with about 6 experiments, and am pretty sure I don't exactly remember which principle stands for which experiment. But, we've got about three hours in hand. So I'm hoping to be successful at mugging. And hoping my head off that the journals are allowed.
Am I scared of the viva? Well, not really. And thats not because I know my subject very well. I have become accustomed to really bad areas of experience. Tomorrow might just be one of those. So who cares! I'm looking at the university examination as my goal. So if things go terribly wrong tomorrow, I've made up my mind not to take it to heart.
Guess, that about explains my attitude. Looking forward to tomorrow in ways........