Laparoscopy

On this weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop on Basic and Advanced Laparoscopy. We were taught everything about Laparoscopy from the very beginning - how to hold the instruments, what the instruments are, how to suture stuff inside the abdomen, working the instrument with what you see on the camera in front of you, hand-eye co-ordination, where and how to put the ports in....all the stuff that you want to know before you just plunge into Laparoscopic surgeries.
Thing is, I've always watched Laparoscopies. Easiest surgery to watch actually. It is an Air-conditioned OR (yeah, I guess I've started using a lot of American terminologies now. If I plan on doing my residency there, makes sense to use their words instead of ours), you can sit on a comfy stool to watch and you have as good a view of the organs as the operating Surgeon. It's pretty damn amazing. After all, it is tiring to watch a 5 hour surgery standing tiptoed, in a crowd, straining your neck from here to there to get a better view.
So back to the workshop. We started with the Endo Trainer. Its a plastic box with holes for the ports. They keep stuff like plates of peanuts, sugar cubes, Polo pills, match sticks and plastic gloves in it. The instruments go in through the holes. You can get really good training in picking those peanuts up, moving them from one plate to the other. The sugar cubes are a little tougher. You have to stack them on one another. The 2-D image in front of you doesn't help a lot in that. The match sticks and Polo pills are the worst. You have to pick a pill and then loop it into the match stick that's stuck down on the rubber padding. Not as easy as it looks! We also got to learn and practice intracorporeal suturing on the same. I, apparently did not have great instruments. But, wow, was that tough!
The key to good Laparoscopy is to stop working with your hands in your head. This is just my thought. I'm just a beginner. But, from what I saw and did, I realised this. When you learn a new language, for example, you always tend to think in the language you know well. And then, you translate that thought into your new language. It's only when you start thinking in that new language that you actually learn. That's the same principle with Laparoscopy too. You can't keep thinking of how you'd separate tissue or suture an incision with your bare hands and then use those methods with that instrument. You have to allow that instrument to be your hand. The needle-holder is not going to be this 20 inch long instrument that you directly hold and just plunge inside. It's going to have a long handle, a different grip and, most importantly, a really small area to move in. Unless and until you can think in terms of moving the needle holder and picture it as a part of your working hand, you can never get good with Laparoscopy. That needs patience, practice and perseverance.
I personally had a great time. I realised yet again, how much I LOVE surgery, love being inside an OR. I also learnt that I am good at this. Day to day practice and I could make myself really really proud. I like looking back at things I've done and marvel at them. I like saying stuff like, "Wow!! You go girl!". I can do that in Surgery or any surgical field. It's great to know that the love I'd felt during my Casualty posting was not a one time thing. I know I love this and I get a feeling I can get really good at it too.
I thank my luck that I had this opportunity so early on. Experiences like these help mould the clay of my confused mind into a beautiful pot. There is a long way to go, but I'm taking small steps. And, I get a feeling that the beautiful piece of art is not very far off :-)

How's The Internship Going?

This question is the most obvious and the most commonly asked of me wherever I go. Today, I have the time to ponder on the perfect answer to it.
Hmm...so, how is this internship going? One thing is for sure: I'm enjoying this phase only because I have my friends with me (and by friends I mean, people I like, call friends and who also work as much as I do). Working in a hospital can be a lonely feeling....you are working with and under residents, who you can have no choice of. Right now, thanks to the delay in the Entrance examination results, we are short of Junior Residents. That means that our Senior Residents are quite frustrated with the amount of work left for them to do and, in turn, we, the Interns suffer, because we need to work more than usual and also do all the petty jobs there are. In such a scenario, if you don't have decent people to work with you, pour out your innermost emotions to, have a laugh with and remind each other of your plight, life sucks.  That's where, I have been lucky enough.
Of course, there are people called 'cutters' in our batch too. The word is used to describe an intern who wriggles out of the work assigned, usually to study. Such a person is usually more thick-skinned than the rest of us (as interns, you have to be thick-skinned to survive the mental ordeal in SGH), has absolutely no conscience to provide a haven for guilt and loads the rest of us with extra work. In my batch, we have about 3 such people. We've been able to distance ourselves from them, but time and again, fate just plays into their hands instead of ours. Currently, there are 4 of us, who've sort of decided to stick together, because we work well together. 3 of us were together in the Orthopaedics posting and we had a blast. The fourth girl joined us during our ENT Rotation and we managed very well. We decided to do day duty during our Csualty &Trauma rotation. We've left that place with the Chief Medical Officer saying that our team of four was one of the most sincere and hardworking lot he's seen in a few years. Such a nice compliment to hear!
So, going back to the question: I shall be biased now because of the Casualty rotation. Upto the start of Casualty, internship was fine. Paediatrics was over and done with (that itself is such a liberating feeling. I realise it now when I go to the building and there is no reason why I should need to enter it), Orthopaedics was fun and signed off, Otolarhingology (ENT) created a few issues regarding the Interns' rotation but we scraped through and Ophthalmology just proved to be my favourite yet again. So far, so good. Apart from the ENT completion signatures, I had all the others and things were good. I particularly enjoyed Ophthalmology. All that I ever did was measure the vision of patients and take labs, but I'm so completely in love with the subject, I enjoyed that bit too :-)
My hate for Casualty began during Orthopaedics. On our Emergency days, the intern had to sit in the Casualty and do the preliminary of the Ortho patients. Obviously, that was NOT my favourite job. The Casualty Interns posted at that time weren't more than acquaintances of mine. Seeing them run around here and there like freaking doctors, added to my negativity about the Casualty. I used to get this helplessness sort of a thing watching them. I used every opportunity to run away to the ward. There was lab work, blood issue calls, the HIV-HbsAg testing and trips to the OT to help out the residents a little. I did not sit at all, but I got that helpless feeling out. I felt better about myself. It worked for me.
This attitude carried into the start of my Casualty posting. On day one, I did not want to start the posting at all. I wanted to run away from the place and hide myself in some tiny little corner of the world where nobody would find me. But, by the end of the day, that thought itself was hiding in some deep dark corner of the world.
Looking back, this has been my best posting till date. A 12-hour day duty, managing more than 80 patients per day (all sorts - malingerers to psychotics, chest pain+breathlessness to assualt, alcoholics to RTAs, dog bites, cat bites, pig bites, monkey bites....everything) is not a joke. We did not get time to sit. My whole diet was ruined because my ages-old routine of 4 meals a day at fixed intervals was kicked out. There was a point when I almost collapsed there due to exhaustion. But, amidst all this, I loved every moment of this duty. My fear of putting an  intravenous catheter, a Ryle's Tube, a Foley's....everything was dealt with. I'm more confident of myself now...I managed to put my CPR skills to good use (finally, the BLS, ACLS workshop can be properly thanked :-) ). But, if there is one thing I enjoyed more than anything else in the world, it was the Minor OT. We dealt with all kind of wounds....my mattress and simple suturing has flourished during these 15 days. I love doing it all. Such a constructive way of getting rid of all the frustration and anger that boils inside you when you have to listen to 10 relatives per patient asking you 10 different questions. I had realised long back that I love surgical work. In these 15 days, I have also realised that when a patient comes with complaints of chest pain+breathlessness+hypertension, I lose interest. Its so obvious that Cardiaology is so not my thing. The area of the CMO dedicated to Surgery and Orthopaedics was my home, my go-to place when things got out of hand. I could calm myself down, doing the preliminaries of those patients, setting their wounds right, giving them hope that things would become better.
We had all sorts of patients - suicidal attempts (I and a friend sutured a wound in 3 layers - the only one in these 15 days :-) ), cases of castration, hit-&-run cases, accidental machinery injuries, self-poisoning for all sorts of reasons....I got a look into the kind of life people are forced to lead. That was disheartening because, when you have all the luxury in the world, some people don't even have 10 bucks to make a case paper. Old men with BPH complaints came from afar and refused to go back, because they had no fare. Aged women travelled for 2 days to come here and be told that they should have come 2 days before or after....that part of a direct view of reality made me depressed. I will do something for such patients in the future, because, they deserve every bit of it.
The casualty is an excellent place to learn. Medicine, Surgery and Orthopaedics residents are always there and they always managed to teach us a little something. Yes, this 15-day posting was wonderful. So much so that now it is over and I have this vacant feeling. My elective posting is Dermatology and it's back to being an intern doing all the menial jobs. I'm still in that mode of activity and multi-tasking. It is going to take a long time to get back to my usual job. Ha ha ha. Check this out. On day one, I had already hated every minute of that Casualty. Now I actually miss it. He he!!
So, how's the Internship going? It's going well. I'm enjoying it and I've learned quite a bit :-)

My most important post ever

So, I've finally done it. I managed to get past the nightmare of my practicals, a true test of my knowledge, according to the people who really know.
It was different, this experience. For one, I realised what it os like to get really tense before an exam; so tense that I think I spoilt my own chances of answering well in there. This was before Surgery. The problem with that subject is, I love it so much, I get nervous knowing I may not do well enough, and obviously, when such thoughts haunt your mind, you don't end up doing all that well. A vicious cycle. I hate it. But, I haven't able to solve the mystery behind my love and fear for this subject. Looking back,  I know that my nervousness and fear that I didn't know anything only held me back, on what could have been a good viva. What more can you ask for? The residents conducting the exam are helping you; they stop just short of giving your viva for you (just partly, because they stand behind the examiner and mouth the answers they know). The examiners are really in no mood to fail you, unless you decide to do that yourself. And you pretty much know the cases, instruments, xrays, specimens beforehand. Despite all this, when I wasn't happy with my own answers, I knew I had only myself to blame. I did enough to pass, yes, but, this is a subject I love, and passing here was just NOT enough.
It has been that sort of a relationship with Surgery. The Love-Fear quotient is like a 50-50, and that really really sucks. But, I did learn a lesson, and decided I wouldn't panic so much for my next practical.
Medicine- that was that next practical. Now, the thing about Medicine is, I think I know, I know I know, but when it comes to using my head, I always go off on a tangent. And, I can't examine patients the right way, to save my own life! There's always something incomplete in my method. If that isn't the case, the fact that I'm not applying enough strength, always gets me few marks less. So, yeah, there are a few areas to be worried about, in medicine. But, by God's grace, I ended up getting Alcoholic Liver Disease cases as short and long cases. Oh man, by the end of the practical, my pleximeter had turned into a mass of aching skin and bones (thanks to all that percussing- this despite cutting my nail so short, it hurt there too). In fact, at the end, I couldn't understand whether it was the patient's percussion tenderness or my own finger groaning and saying it had had enough.
Medicine was ok. I say ok, because, if you end up getting the same topic on all your three cases, you should ideally ace your exam. Problem was, my first case was a disaster. The examiner was an internal one, and she is considered to be a little scary. I wasn't given a warning that the exam had started or anything. She just came up and asked, "Are you 49089?" "Yes, Ma'am" "Start your case. And keep that paper away." WHAT?! No bloody warning!! And how the hell was I supposed to remember the details. This woman has her own set of rules, so you have to remind yourself of each and every one of them, before you speak. Like, do not say "Cynosis" in a p/a case, because it doesn't have any significance. Caught by her out of nowhere, I went into panic mode, and next thing I know, I'm rattling off Cyanosis to her with loads of 'ahhhh' interrupting words and sentences. I couldn't wait to finish with that viva, and I guess she couldn't either. Bad start. Had I been in her position, I wouldn't have given myself anything more than a 50%. Maybe she did. Will only know in February. The other internal examiner was my Project guide. I was worried, because I hadn't gotten back to him regarding the project. But, both his vivas were good. He took my long case and although it started off well, they (internal and external examiners) were a little disappointed that I missed out on Spider Naevi in my patient. What is worse is that, I hadn't missed it, had checked loads of times, and had concluded that it WASN'T Spider Naevi. Talk about difference of opinion. But, the table viva made up for it, I hope. There was nothing that I didn't know about whatever they asked me. We parted with a smile (a wide one, by the way) and I kept praying, they'd consider my awesome table viva and give a me a few more marks for that long case. The xray and charts were taken by my scary internal, and obviously, I was still scared of her. It was ok upto the point of recognising the problem. Thereafter, it enough to say, I don't think I use my head much when it comes to differential diagnosis.
Paediatrics was easily the best practical. My table and short case Viva was good. It was full of questions that were first-timers (like, disadvantages of breast milk, reason why you use Ca gluconate in hyperkalemia and some others that I don't remember), and I answered to the best of my ability, which was quite a lot. My long case was Cerebral Palsy. How I hated my luck that morning. After praying and praying and praying some more (that I don't get Cerebral Palsy), I got that case. Lucky for me, I was the last person to get done with my viva, and he only asked me read my case and asked 2 questions after that. So although it felt incomplete and weird, at least it wasn't a disaster, thanks to the case.
Obs-Gynae was a story itself. The HoD was the internal examiner, and he got really angry when he found people with their books near the cases. He found my book in my friend's bag, and that got me included among the people he was going to punish. Punishment meant that our vivas were going to be held last. So throughout the day, I just had one thought in my head, "Will I pass?" It'll be so humiliating to have the topper of 2nd year and 3rd year to fail in final year because of something like this. But, he did take our vivas. He didn't ask any question though. The external examiner sitting with him was asking everything. And, overall, it turned out to be decent enough. I obviously wish the incident hadn't happened, but I guess it was all for the best. When our HoD was asking questions, he was asking tough ones,  making students feel like crap. But, when he was sitting quietly, things were better :-)
So, I'm done. For the first 2 days, it didn't seem real. I kept thinking I have to go back to studying in a few days. But, now, I'm getting used to the fact that I don't have to study for a month at least. Not that I'll be sitting idle. I have to decide my future, I have to catch up with old friends, I have to get my garden in order, I have to start preparing my brother for his exams....in all a lot.
Currently, I'm stationed at my grandmom's house, trying really hard to make up for all the time I didn't have to spend with my gradnparents in the past 4.5 years. I'll be leaving for Hyderabad tomorrow. Its the AIOS-2013 conference and I'll probably attend a day or two. My chief purpose is split between taking a tour of the LVP institute there, meeting up with friends, and enjoying the awesomeness of the Ophthalmology conference :-)
Bon voyage!!
   

Theory Examination Over

Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve realized the following:

1.       I hate exams. I thought I lived for them, but I don’t.

2.       If Final year is supposed to be hard, it doesn’t even compare to the stress you go through during the exam. Looking back, I don’t know how I made it through in one piece.

3.       Papers always turn out differently this year. They are all expected questions, yes, but you don’t feel like you’ve written expected answers (or this might just be me talking).

4.       The age old superstition : the lesser you’ve done something, higher the chance of it actually ending up in the paper. It sucks through your brain. Oh, it SO does! And probably, that’s why you end up staying awake the whole night.

5.       Everybody but you, seems to be less concerned about the examination. It’s almost as if, you’re in one boat and everybody else in the other. It actually isn’t like that, but that’s how the world looks to you.

6.       The MUHS does NOT care about us students. They prepare papers full of spelling mistakes, repeat short notes in the same question (which is: Answer any three out of five. So that effectively reduces us to answering 3 out of 4. Or taking that bold step of writing the same answer twice hoping you’ll get 3 marks two times over.

7.       Surgery still freaks me out. I did it almost twice. Almost, because, there were a few chapters I did not do twice. Yet the day before both my papers, I was freaking out. And I was almost wishing I hadn’t taken up this course of Medicine.

8.       I always fall sick before my exams. Thing is, the week before my immune system decides to take a holiday, and I suffer. Surprisingly, this time, I got better like 2 days before the exam began, to reach my designated centre and end up with the flu AGAIN. Seriously, there was a time during the paper I had to allot to clearing my blocked sinuses!!

9.       I am exhausted. I don’t want any more testing, I don’t want any more theory answers to be written. I’m so tired of taking all this stress, it’s reduced my weight to more than is normal during a preparation leave.

10.   And, did I mention, I’m still hating Final year? Oh yeah, I’m still hating it, and I simply can’t wait enough for 13 Jan to come.

So how were these exams? The same exams I was so worried about, the exams on which nothing depended, my parents had absolutely no expectations from, I had no expectations from, the exams for which I literally turned the entire household’s lives upside down….yeah they were ok….all of my papers were more or less the same…I didn’t find any paper extremely easy, but no paper was pathetic either….I liked my Obstetrics paper best, because I drew a lot of diagrams, and they didn’t ask the questions I’d dreaded. I think I like my Paediatrics paper least, but that’s just because I couldn’t give the finishing touches I’m so used to giving all my papers. And it sucks to end your undergraduate examination on that note.

It’s what I’ve been through in these past 2 weeks, that’s so important. I suck at managing stress. Oh man, I really suck. My mind plays all sorts of games with me, and it’s so freaky. My usual method of calming myself down went to the dogs this year. When I told myself, “Shut up, stupid little girl, you’ve prepared well!!”, another louder voice used to come up behind me slowly and say, “Oh yes, little girl, you’ve prepared well. Tell me, do you know that you can’t remember the treatment charts? Or diagrams? Oh and by the way, you’ve not even touched contraception yet….and what about Skin….and you have even done your usual dose of MCQs this year.” It’s so hard to get rid of that voice once it starts.

This past month has been dreadful. I don’t think I’ve ever suffered so much in any preparation leave. It has been a combination of low confidence, sucky memory and a vast portion that refuses to even come close to the finishing line. The result : a complete wreck of a person, worried parents, indecision about the future and an ardent desire to just let go. They say Medicine is tough, so this is just the beginning. I’m really worried about my brain and its tolerance capacity. So, yes, there are some tough decisions to make in the coming month- regarding my future, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and the best way to keep my brain stable. I almost resorted to some anti-depressants and I don’t want to go down that road ever again. That’s why this decision will be so important to me.

Right now, I’m already worried sick about my practicals. The worry doesn’t make it any easier to start studying again, but it does affect the general day. I wish I had some confidence in myself. I really do. I hate this low self-esteem I have about my case-taking and practical skills. Of course, I have good enough reasons to feel this way, but I also have good reasons NOT to feel this way. Our timetable isn’t out yet. All we know is that, practicals in our college will be held from 1^st to 12^th of Jan, 2013. Nothing more. I want to know the exact details as fast as possible…that way, once I have a deadline to get to, it’ll make it easier to manage my study timetable.

God bless me and my case-taking skills. One ordeal over, another to start very soon. Oh I hate Final Year!  

The Prelims Over :-)

Looking at the few results that have come out, its not been the happiest of times, but its not like I expected to rock my exams.

These 3 weeks have been nerve-wracking. First, it was back to back papers. That pretty much left you with no time to really brood over the previous paper or the next one. My acid-test was the Surgery paper. My relationship with Surgery hasn’t been smooth. I like the subject. I love it. Its amazing how that is possible. Surgery is Anatomy clinicalised, if there is such a word. I used to HATE Anatomy. I couldn’t visualize anything in there. But, here I am, 3 years down the line, liking the subject that is the advanced course of the subject I hated.

Any way, so as much as I love the subject, I’m not very confident about it. So, when it comes to an exam or a practical I get so paranoid. The day before my Surgery paper, I was at my wits’ end. It is all thanks to my dad who somehow got me through that paper, with all his discussions the day before. Before my Surgery 2 paper, we did the same, but it wasn’t as successful. My paper wasn’t the dream that I wished I’d had. It was a cross-over between a normal dream and reality.

The rest of the subjects have been ok. I know my Obstetrics paper wasn’t as great as my Gynaec paper and the difference in the marks showed it. I know that my Med 1 paper was 100 times better than my Med 2 paper. Yes, those marks showed that too. My practicals were pretty fine. The Gynae pracs were especially better than expected. I got decent marks too. My internal assessment marks for my pracs are more than those for theory, so that does say something. The med practical was supposed to  be fine, but my marks didn’t show it. I was pretty disappointed with that.

At the start of this prelim exam, I just prayed that I get through it somehow, any how. I did. THAT is an achievement. For a month back, I was totally unprepared. Totally, completely, fully. I didn’t know how things were going to fall in place. They did. Not perfectly, but they did. To me, that is all that matters. A friend of mine says I’m overly competitive. I don’t believe that is true. I know the kind of answers I write or give in Vivas. After having taken exams for the past 20 years, I can say I’m an expert at it. There was a time when my papers were held up in front of the class to demonstrate how a paper should be written. Even now, in medicine, there is always something that I like to incorporate in my answers to make them better than the person before me. After all, the checking of papers is relative, isn’t it? All students study the same amount. All students write the same amount. They write the same things too (biology of the body won’t change with each paper, will it?). The difference between a 67/80 and a 40/80 is the method of presentation. It is your answer that shows your ability to succeed. And, I know I have to keep doing that to score more.

Do these scores matter anywhere? Not really. But, they do stand to give me a shot of confidence. So, I know that next time I write a Gynaecology paper, I shall be sure of myself when I’m writing it. The Obstetrics paper, on the other hand, will require some more effort on my part. When I know that I’m managed to score among the top brass of my batch, I know that I’m up there knowledge-wise.

These upcoming preparation leave days are going to make all the difference. I know that. It is going to be one tough month of studying. But, having gone through my prelims, I know I need to work extra-hard to stop myself from losing it before or during the paper. Our practical dates have also been declared and they are a month away from the theory exams. So, the upcoming 3 months are going to be the make or break of my Medicine journey. In this last leg, I can’t give up or be loose. I’m going to make each and every day, each and every second count.

Love

Have I ever talked about love before? Over the past decade or so, I've made up lots of definitions of 'love'. They were related to different things - food, book, colour, boys, sports, style, song, chords, etc, etc. The one thing that was common in all of them was constancy - the constancy of my feelings for all those things. So I have come to the conclusion that love is what is enduring and unchanging. Feelings that change over time are not "love". Yes, Jill, wonderful discovery!! You've really got out some new information! The path of the whole world is about to change!! (I hope that sounds sarcastic enough:-p)
I'm not going to take names obviously. As a teenager, I had my share of crushes and great loves. Every new crush was supposed to last forever, be that "special someone". It was good while the feeling lasted. Then, one fine day, I would get up in the morning and ask myself what I even saw in that guy!! But, it was during this time that I found I was better at being in love with broader things- like certain food, cricket, tennis, Westlife songs. Yes, I felt that zoom in my stomach every time one of those came into the picture. And it has remained unchanged over a long time.
Day before my Dad and I went for the IPL match between Pune Warriors and Mumbai Indians. Before I start gushing about the whole experience, let me give you a background about my mental state.
I AM CRAZY ABOUT CRICKET! I am obsessed with it. The obsession started in 2003 and has continued till date. I used to just list cricket as my favourite game before that year. I can watch any game of cricket involving any team. I obviously prefer my faourite teams, but I'd still watch a match just for the love of the game. Before I entered Medical school, I knew the names and faces of all the international cricketers, their coaches, the Physios and the Umpires. Since, entering Medical school, I can't boast upto that extent, but hey, I'm pretty much a walking encyclopedia about the current players. I love reading autobiographies of cricketers. My ultimate dream is to go on a cricket-nations tour and visit all the cricket grounds in those countries, reliving my favourite matches in each of those stadiums. As every other fan, I would do anything to talk to my favourite cricketers.

The Subrata Roy Sahara Stadium

Go ahead, call me stupid. But, the game is my release. This and Harry Potter are two things that get my mind off everything else on earth. Oh yes, also a Rafa match. But, I'm drifting away. I love cricket and I love me for loving it.
So, we went to Gahunje, and my first reaction on seeing that field was, "OH MY GOD!! WOOOOOWWWW!!" A circular field, velvety green, surrounded by the stands with no pillars, the grass all fresh and inviting, it was beautiful!! I think the Wanderers or MCG or SCG will obviously be more inviting because of the history attached to them. But the Subrato Roy Stadium was simply stunning!!
The match was good too :-) After all, Pune did bowl well. It was disappointing to see us lose by that one run. But, hey, that's cricket :-) I was excited that I finally got to saw Michael Clarke (especially the dancing Michael Clarke) and Steve Smith for real. I think that really made my day. I realised that my passion for the game and its players and its teams is for real. When I was sitting there, my mind was off everything else. I heard news that would have, at another time, gotten me pissed. There, it made no difference. It felt so refreshing to be in that state of mind.

Dad and Me Cheering Our Team On :-))

Over the past few months, I've been wondering why I seem to drift away from things and not feel passionate or in love about anything. The game made me realise that my thoughts aren't right. I do have the passion. If I'm not feeling passionate about something, I'm just not into it. Its time to throw all that stuff away. As usual, it has been cricket to my rescue again :-)
Come on, man Pune, get back to your winning ways!!
Our Inter-disciplinary Seminar on Hospital-Acquired Infections was held today. It was a success in every way :-) We all spoke well, and since the topic and the way we handled it ( we went infection-wise rather than subject-wise) were different from the usual line, the crowd was kept interested. Over all, it was a great experience. I loved being on stage (as usual :-)). I was very disappointed with some of the teachers sitting right in front and yawning right through our presentations. As teachers, they are not expected to do that. We, students, spend a lot of time and energy creating these presentations and running behind these very teachers asking for their help. In return, we get a lot of attitude and high-handedness. The least they could do, is on the day of the real thing, be mentally and physically present and supportive.
It has been a tiring week. I don't feel all that great about it. But, I have my awesome presentation to look at and World Laughter Day (6th May) coming up, to brighten my mood a little. Come on girl, lets stand straight and face the next week with your head held high!!

Subconscious Priorities

When you start dreaming about your college life, it helps you put things into perspective. On the surface, there are a million things to think of; a million things to do and a million things trying to get your attention at the same time. Dreams really just line them all up, starting from the most important to the least important.

Over the past few days, I’ve been dreaming. The important point to note is that, I’ve dreamt about stuff that I have never acknowledged as stuff that has troubled me or made me uneasy when I thought of it. However, I guess I was wrong. It has affected me more than I thought it did, or should I say, more than I wanted it to.

Let’s start with the first.

A dark background all around me…I’m assuming it is night. I’m outside an unknown cabin - a wooden one like in those Cowboy movies. I’m sure I’m alone yet there are a few people with me. I have my cell phone with me, but I don’t feel like calling anybody as of now. Out of nowhere, there come a group of people – no wait, there appear to be two groups of people. I seem to recongise some faces…hell, yeah! These are my Medicine and Surgery Residents. What are they doing here?? They see me. They are shocked to say the least. The very next second, they’re holding my arms. The Medicine group gets to me first. I know I am being kidnapped but can’t really do anything about it.

The Residents start bombarding me with questions -Medicine-related questions. I can answer a few, and at the one question I can’t answer, I’m being dragged off with that group. When this happens, the other group jumps up to my rescue. Not rescue exactly, because, the moment there is a question I can't answer from their list, I'm just dragged off there! And then, I get a phone call. Again, from a surgery resident. He seems to want to tell me something, but just keeps beating about the bush. I'm scared. I can't tell him where I am. I keep wondering whether he is involved in this very operation or not. Ultimately, he doesn't end up doing much to help me. 
I did not get up with a jerk or anything. I got up with an uneasy mind and a tough day to look forward to. I know I haven't been on top of my timetable. But, such dreams are definitely going to push me onto Insomnia big time!
Moving on to the second:
Let me first give a brief background to this one. I've had two such dreams. They are both related to the ICMR project I was intent on doing a few months back. At this moment, in April, I know for a fact that I will not be able to do everything possible, and giving my time to the ICMR project is just going to spoil my chances of doing well in Final year.
The first dream basically had my to-be Guide shouting his head off at me, when I go to tell him that I don't want to do the project. This was obviously related to an incident from day before, when he told our batch off for making too much noise in an evening clinic. It was the first time I had seen him lose his head, and I think, I was a little traumatised by that experience. Hence, the dream. I just stand helpless, waiting for the dream to end, by the way.
The second dream came yesterday. After cajoling myself to at least take a look at the list of selected projects, I found that my project had been selected. So now, my dream had me walking about in college, trying to make up my mind whether to meet my Guide now or not. Out of nowhere, lots of people start coming and wishing me congratulations for having been selected. It appears on Facebook and I seem to be caught in this big trap. I want to say no, but I can't seem to say it. And nobody even wants to listen to what I have to say. Scary.
These two dreams bring me to the main worry I have. Do I want to do the project? I have a stack of points for not doing the project:
1. There is way too much to study in Final year. I know I'm not that strong. So whatever time I get to waste, I want to be able to waste it and not spend in more work.
2. My aim in doing the project was to improve my CV when it came to applying to universities abroad. I am now leaning more towards doing my PG in India, in which case it won't really matter. Also, it isn't necessary to have a project under your belt. I have my academic record and lots of certificates to which I shall add many more in the coming few months.
3. My Ethics certificate hasn't come, in which case, I shall have to wait till June. That is when my Terminals would begin. Not a great time.
4. I'm just not in the mood any more to run around looking for patients.


For doing the project, there are a few points too:
1. It has been selected. That means it is good enough and there are going to be some results which would really help the future of Medicine.
2. It will add to my CV any way, whether I like it or not.
3. I won't get another chance.


Add on, the fear of facing my to-be guide, yeah, I'm pretty screwed. I just hope he takes it nicely and helps me put my mind at ease. 


I'm doing the Inter-Disciplinary Seminar this time. The topic is 'Hospital-Acquired Infections' and I shall be dealing with the Surgery aspect of it. The reason I am so proud of this is that, I was chosen on the basis of my performance at the University Examination. Initially, there was going to be an elimination round. The Academic Committee, finally decided to just go with the Univ marks.
I'd had a conversation with a friend about our marks after the results came out. He said, it didn't really matter because nobody was going to bother about these marks later. I, on the other hand, was a big supporter of the rank system and was delighted about what all I had achieved. The selection of participants for this time's IDS, simply added weight to my argument. I feel that whatever I get, on the basis of my marks at Univ exams, I thoroughly deserve. That's 'cause I work my ass off for these exams. Thus, I am extremely proud of my selection. I wanted Surgery and I got it too. So I am pretty happy right now.
Our Medicine term-end comes up on Friday the 13th. I hope to do well there. It is going to be a busy week up ahead. Let's hope it shall start well and end well.  

Good Job!!

I won the TB Quiz held on account of World Tuberculosis Day (24th March)!! I'd paired up with a friend of mine and we won!! I got my first trophy from BJ Medical College :-) We topped the elimination round and then won by a comfortable 20 points :-) Our score was 65 and the team, that came 2nd, got 45. I felt so freaking AWESOME!!
I'd been telling myself I should've studied a little more. That thought became even more loud when I saw the number of teams participating. You may want to call me a little dumb here, but I really believe that there a few people who are better off than I am, when it comes to MCQs and one line answers. Fact is, I really believe that whatever I have scored academically, has been on the basis of my neat paper- writing and diagrams. I don't figure much when it comes to odd things you need to know for Quizzes. So, my friend and I saw the people who'd arrived and we told ourselves that we didn't really have a chance. We were going to do this for the heck of it.
The people who know me, will understand when I say, I can't go unprepared for anything where there is supposed to be a competition. So, I did read up Microbiology and PSM, but it was nowhere close to what I'd expected myself to manage in the past week. We were prepared to watch the other teams take centre-stage. Going through the elimination paper, I knew we stood a chance. But, you can never hope for too much. We knew we'd made mistakes, especially after the answers were discussed. It was, therefore, a major surprise to hear that we had topped the Elimination :-)) I was delighted because that meant I got a certificate (I have an obsession for them...they are going to help me in the future, strengthen my CV, so I am obsessed with them).
The Quiz rounds were pretty ok. We were team C, and unfortunately, we had a lot of statistical questions regarding TB. I can proudly say though, my logic and my love Micro and Patho, got us through. I could answer a lot of questions. That was very comforting :-)
The best part was yet to come though. The rapid fire round has always gotten me a little nervous. It is a make or break round in a quiz. This time, however, it was a Make round for us. We answered the maximum number of questions correctly (5/10), compared to the rest of the teams, and we won!! After the announcement of the scores, they brought out trophies!! Now that was the best part. I had won a trophy! Since I'm a big sports fan, winning a trophy is like the ultimate winning for me. I have grown up watching the Pontings and Nadals lift those trophies...I've always wished I could do the same. This time, I've gotten the opportunity :-)) Yay!!
I just have to take this moment and say, "I ROCK!!" Things have been going well. Our Islet Cell Transplantation Symposium will be on Saturday. As much as I love what we have done, I'm just concerned about the certificate. It is a busy week... We also have a Surgery Term-end on Saturday. Add on the Medicine posting...We're given threats of been thrown back into the Unit we were supposed to be posted in, initially, if we don't do serious studying. Really!! Times have changed..It's not like we aren't interested. Sometimes, you gotta understand that although there is interest, there isn't enough material. Tomorrow, possibly, Kadam Sir would be taking a clinic. I can only cross my fingers and hope it goes well...
Apart for studying, we also have to deal with ego issues of the concerned teachers. The life of a Medical Student is worth making a film on. There is everything...it almost prepares you for everything you may have to deal with later in life - buttering people up, saving people's lives, running after people for ages to get your work done, taking the hard way, taking a shortcut, deal with heartaches and excessive happiness...everything...phew!! I'll just go back to reminiscing that wonderful Quiz on Monday...:-))