Holy Crap

As the month of June creeps closer and closer, the nervousness regarding my forthcoming examinations and the frustration over unfinished work is reaching new heights.

I haven’t been in the best of moods. The sudden realization that:

1.       I am very far from my target of 50 cases for the ICMR project.

2.       Residents vary in their desire to help me get on with my project work.

3.       I am very far from finishing my Surgery portion as I wanted to.

4.       I haven’t even started with the other subjects yet.

5.       I am not able to get whole days to myself when I can just study from start to end.

6.       I don’t really remember everything after doing it just once.

7.       College is just a big waste of time.

8.       Journals keep piling up – first to write, then to get the signatures.

Has made me melancholic. I haven’t yet reached the stage where I start thinking negative about my situation. I may be on the way though. I know for a fact that I have been taking about 8-10 cases over the past 3 weeks I think. I should have 30 cases, right? I am stuck at 24 and 25. The imminent arrival of my Guide on 27^th is also making me a little uncomfortable. I have to show him my cases…it will be very disappointing if he points out mistakes. Please, please let him not.

Talking about studies itself is frustrating. The subjects this year were supposed to be interesting. Somehow, my interest in them has vanished. I don’t feel the desire to go on and on with my studying. Instead, I’m just waiting for those little breaks, which eventually span out into larger breaks than they are supposed to be.

Maybe it is the idea of me running around for that project, while seeing my friends study, which is eating me from inside. Maybe it is the idea of me studying that is eating me from inside. In all, final year is testing a lot of me. I also get the feeling that this is just the beginning. There is a lot more to come. We’ll see…I look back to that one week…to those two days when I had totally lost hope…those two days when I had to deal with one shock after another…I got through that. There is no reason why I can’t get through the studying then J

Reality

I just have to write. I have my Paediatrics term end tomorrow, so ideally, I should be studying. However, out of curiosity, I went through my last post and the urge to write erupted through me. The past two-three weeks have been such huge reality checks. I think I have almost hit rock-bottom, but somehow, managed to wriggle out with something to cherish.
I remember writing a month back that my ICMR Selection list was out, and that my project had been selected. I wrote a lot of reasons why I decided I would not do the project. However, a little coaxing from my mother ( she showed the wonderful things I would get if I had this project under my belt.) and I decided that I would do the project. The more-than-just-happy approval from my Guide gave me all the more reason to go ahead with it. Neither of them told me what I was in for, though.
Everyone says the first few days of any project are hard. You are somehow just getting into the rhythm, trying to work out some kind of schedule, arranging and rearranging your work, meeting the concerned people. Lots of things just tend to happen together. You end up hating those first few days. I went through just more than hating them. Being a student at a Government Medical College, I should have realised this a long time back - You can never walk straight in here. You just HAVE to take turns to reach something that can resemble a destination. My Guide told me that doing the Lipid Profiles of patients would be a very easy thing to do. That has ended up being the most dreadful thing to do. It takes quite an effort to coax patients into talking to you. An even bigger effort is required to bring these very people to you the next morning to take the blood samples. Add to that, the fact that Lipid Profiles are NOT done regularly in our hospital, got me freaked out majorly. I now also had to provide the kit to do the test. Still, it was ok. I went to the Diabetic OPD on Day 1 of my project, and managed to take some cases. Next, I had to go and tell the Lab Director that the kit would arrive there soon. When I told him that, he dropped the next bombshell - " I don't have the manpower to do the tests. You'll have to do them yourself. I'll teach you." That was it! I have my term exams coming up in June, and now I have to perform Lipid profile testing of patients!
I am going to take a few words here to talk about my temperament. I'm cool. I get nervous before an exam or a Viva. I just talk to myself at that time, say stuff like, "You're being stupid! You've studied. It is going to go great. Come on, be yourself!", and go back to being cool again. I don't freak out. I don't stop eating or lose sleep or dream of scary scenarios related to anything. I'm just not that kind of a person. I switch on and off pretty easily.
Those two days, I did exactly the opposite of what I've written above. I kept thinking about the project, the time that was going to be wasted, the patients whose blood I would have to take, the ignorance of my Guide for having put me through all this (although the Lipids may have been the reason why the project got selected in the first place), the sadistic happiness that the Director was getting (again, although, he might have been telling me the truth), my term end exams, my univ exams (yes, I went to the extent of planning out my schedule for the repeat year). I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I became an insomniac within a day!
Being who I am, I couldn't share this with anybody. My Mom, bless her soul, saw right through me, and gave me a boost up the next morning. The fact that two patients came that day, and I could finally say that I had started my project, made me a little settled.
Since then, however, I've been trying to find the right rhythm. The insomnia has sort of remained. I still get up  at 5 in the morning and manage to study a little. Going to the Diabetic OPD is something I have come to dread. The compliance of patients is 50%, so now, I've decided not to go there at all. I'll just hunt down patients in the wards. That way, the irritating bug (Wednesday Diabetic OPD awaits you. HAHAHA!!!!) that keeps haunting me all through the week, will disappear. I am trying to just divide my day into parts. 8-9:30 am will be dedicated to looking for cases. Thereafter, posting. The afternoon onward will be my study time. Exams are coming up next month, and I need to score. That means I need to study, HARD.
I do panic. There are loads of moments. But, I'm trying to manage. Journals have added to the tension. The to-do list never seems to reduce! My brother (in the 12th grade now) had his entrance exams. My Mom had gotten really nervous. I sat with her throughout the day for company. During that time, I finished writing two journals. The trick is always multi-tasking. I have never been good at it. I've chosen an awful time to learn it, but I can give it a shot, right?
Right now, everything else in on the back burner. I had had the idea of applying to a few universities abroad for some courses after my Univ exams. I've decided to chuck those plans. There is no way I can do everything and succeed in it all. I got past the IDS, that is enough. Now I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and the project. I can't wait for the Surgery posting to begin. I can almost feel the fresh rejuvenation already :-)
Life sucks. A lot. Having to deal with so many people now, I've realised that. It isn't all rosy, this growing up. When you are a medical student in the GMC, the word doesn't even fit into your dictionary of life. I have gotten really low over the past few weeks. There were times, when I thought I should to take some medication to shut out the many thoughts swimming around at Olympic-record time in my head, so that I could concentrate on a single one. But, I got past all that, and am still standing ok. Yeah, I lost weight, and the radiance of my face (according to my Mom). Point is, I got through it. I still dread going to hunt for cases, but I still manage to end up doing it all. I'm far back in my studies, but i know and hope I can do it in time. I'm shit scared and nervous about the next month, but I can still smile and crack jokes right now.
This is reality- not easy, but easy enough to give you a chance to make it so :-)
Best of luck for Paeds, Jill!! Do well :-)      

Competitiveness

The urge to compete, the urge to win, the urge to somehow get ahead in a never-ending race of examinations.....
And I have suddenly got it!! I swear, I was never into the business of wanting to get more marks than somebody else, of wanting to study more, of wanting to KNOW that I am the better. I have been laid-back in life, in studying actually.
I have this crazy, maddening feeling that I need to perform better than some others. In fact, I now believe that I can do it. I know it might be tough and can definitely take a toll on me, but I simply want to do it all. I don't know exactly how this has got into me. But, I can say that the feeling has been building up. It started with my Gynaec term and the great reviews I got there, was carried on by my Pyschiatry Term-end, in which I ended up with the highest marks in the batch (37/50). Anaesthesia added another boost by coming up with a 20/25 in the MCQ test. Then, there have been the results of the current terminal examination. I have got the highest marks in the theory examination of Microbiology (38/50), and I think I did pretty well in Pathology (theory) also to get 39.5/50. I wish I had got better teachers to take the viva. I would have done much better than 26.5 and 23 respectively.
My point is that, I finally think I'm going in the right direction and that things are working well for me (touchwood). It is just like the form of a sportsperson. At times, you are at your best and all the hard work just helps you do much than you normally would have. Other times, you can do the best your body can manage, but you still don't reach the peaks that you have set yourself. Right now, I feel confident, I feel I am capable of doing things I want to do, I feel comfortable with all the marks, and I don't feel the pressure to perform. I want to perform and I  know I will. I just am so excited to start (and Parasitology only makes things even spicier!!).
So, with all the focus coming in, I love and enjoy Medicine even more. What more can a student want?

II/II Over!!

So exams are finally over. I sit here, pondering upon the last two weeks and thinking, I’ve done it!! Now, I only have to worry about studying after about two days. The past week and four days have been enlightening. Firstly, I know for sure that doing Pharmac just the one time, isn’t enough. My paper was no way better than last time, when  I hadn’t even completed my portion properly. And, today, the practical also sent across the same message. It isn’t just enough to have a chapter underlined and marked and coloured and full of charts. You need to know those charts by heart. My aim in the coming few months will be the same. We will, of course, have the entire portion now, for the prelims. If it has been tough the last two times, the prelims are going to be complete torture. ‘Coz there will also be two papers of each subject.

I have also learnt in the past week that my study method for Microbiology is pretty much what it should be. My paper was the best out of all my theory papers and the same can be said about the practical. This means I’m sure about a lot of stuff I have said and written. So, I love Microbiology and would love to make it my strong-point in the coming months.

Pathology still remains a kind of mystery. I loved it when we were doing General Pathology. And I hated it when we were doing Systemic Pathology. It is vast, and this time I haven’t read much of Robbin’s (a total change from last time, when most of the portion had been read from that thick little green book). I didn’t end up getting a lot of marks last time although my paper had been the best of all the three we wrote. I want to see whether reading Harsh Mohan makes a difference in the marks we get. I am going to finish reading up Robbin’s by the prelims, but I need to know whether it is going to be for the sake of reading it, or whether it is going to help me in getting the marks that I’m currently after.

PSM (Preventive and Social Medicine) has been labeled the disaster my third year, before the year even starts with the kind of crap it dished out to me in this term. According to the schedule of MUHS, students are tested on PSM in II/II. A 3-hr theory paper (with 3 compulsory 8 mark questions!!) and a 20 mark practical. That theory paper turned out to be the only paper I have EVER given without studying ANYTHING! The standard textbook is Park’s and it one hell of a boring book to read. I didn’t manage to do anything the whole evening before the exam. And then, the morning of the paper I came to know that there are notes available in PSM. I only managed to get the notes 2 hours before the paper, and I also had to have lunch. So, I went for the paper having read NOTHING. It turned out to be a disaster really. I haven’t written such crappy answers in such beautiful handwriting ever before! The practical was no better. The lecturer who took my viva, realized early into it that I did not know one small thing. I don‘t think I’m going to be passing in the subject this time.

FMT was pretty ok. The Department didn’t even know we had a paper! We started ah hour and a half late, because of all the confusion. They distributed éclairs as a penalty for forgetting that they had to conduct an examination J

Basically, I’m finally done with everything. Not everything, actually. My family-planning term-end is left, which will be held on Saturday. But I am free as such. I missed out on enjoying the Wimbledon and the Football World Cup, as much as I would have in another time span. But, luckily, Rafa and the Spanish Football team, have ensured that I have watched it all throughout. Congrats Rafa !! It was such a fulfilling moment to watch you lift that trophy! And I gotta say to Tomas Berdych ( I watched him beat Roger and Novak Djokovic), you are so totally all over the place!! It was great to see you play in the final, and I do want you to keep playing the brand and level of tennis that you are. Your serve…..simply sensational!

And that Football team! Switzerland seems in a different universe. I so want you to win the World Cup now!! You beat Germany! I am so proud of them all!! I hope to witness you guys raising that Cup as high as possible on Sunday :-)

I’ve actually had a great week. Guess, having exams did pay its dividends in some ways:-)    

Pressing Matters

The exams having finished, and my voice and health having returned to more or less normal (I can sing now, without flinching at the sound of my voice!), I now turn my attention to two pressing matters: The Thyrotoxicosis Seminar which will take place on the 5th of Feb and the final decision on my ICMR (Indian Council of Medical Research) Project.

We had a rehearsal of sorts on Thursday (21st Jan) for the Seminar. My presentation took 15 mins, more than 2.5 times the alloted time. I have to cut down on a lot of matter, something which I am so NOT interested in doing. I've spent ages on making the presentation just right. Lets see what my guide has to say about what we can cut down upon. But, as such the experience of standing up there and talking was brilliant. I did not have jitters. That might not be the case on the 5th, when there would easily be a huge crowd, and the venue would be the MGA. I'll be doing all that I can this week, to make sure I'm fully prepared.

The ICMR project deadline has come, and it is the 15th of Feb. Having come down to two topics, I'll hopefully be making a decision and submitting a report to the Ethics committee of our college for approval of the project. I am hell-bent on doing this project and I do hope things work out well.

Moving onto the earliest and most enjoyable event of all, we have a trek to Purandar Fort next weekend (29th, 30th, 31st). This reminds me a lot of the Lohagad trek we had last year, and I can't wait to go for another one. We will have a meeting mid-week so that we can be told of the itineary and the stuff we need to carry. But, I'm a hundred percent sure this trip will be a major fun trip for me.

The weekend was a welcome break for me, with all the remnants of my illness bearing down on me during the week. Also, we missed out on almost 17 days of our paediatric posting because of the terminal examination. So, the last week in college hasn't been a restful one, complete with 3 hrs being spent in the wards. I love paediatrics. The patients are so CUTE!!! And, I get to unleash all of my sweet side onto those patients. We have an amazing lecturer teaching us too. A Dr. Chhaya, who has a certain way with children and us too. I really wish we had been able to finish the entrie posting. It would have been an experience. But, now I do know that there's one branch I wouldn't mind specialising in.

And I saw my Micro marks. They are pretty ok. I've passed by a fair amount. It wouldn't have hurt to score a little more, bu then medicine isn't about scoring marks, it's about learning and enjoying the subject. So, that has been able to console me a bit.

This week has been fun. Hope the next one is too :-)

OVER!!!

And so they are. No more formalities left, and no more last minute prayers. My exams have officially ended and I am taking the deepest sigh of relief I can manage.

Practicals turned out to be ok. When I look at each of them separately, of course, I can easily point out the best and the worst. Because, I did have them. So, since I do have time right now, I'd like to reveal my best and worst. Here goes,

12th January, 2010:

FMT- We went and waited for almost an hour and half before something actually happened. And that something was quite an event. One of the peons told us that we'd been called in groups of 10. I got up ( I am amongst the first ten in our batch from r.nos. 145-174). Making a quiet and steady line, we went to the cold room where they conduct all the post-mortems. God! The only thoughts wandering in my otherwise empty mind, were," Crap, please don't tell me you are going to take the Viva here!!! Surrounded by dead decaying partially open bodies!!! I'll faint before you manage to finish your first question!"

The HOD was there, with a fresh body beside him. A 'mama' (that's what we call the ward boys in coll) was standing next to him, fully loaded with knives and scalpels, already having finished half the job of removing the viscera. This was the body, our HOD told us, of a criminal, killed on the previous evening. He had received three bullets, and the bullets were being looked for, in the viscera.

Frankly, this is what I'd expected to find when I came into medicine. A dead body, as fresh as live.....raw, red blood oozing out on every cut.....the viscera all shiny red with sickening yellow mucous attached at places....the bones looking all glistening yellow.....

One entire year and I finally saw what I was looking for. It was quite a sight! The criminal definitely looked like a criminal. I could imagine him, and the scene around him, when he was alive. He looked frightful even in that state!!

The HOD showed us one bullet which they had managed to find, and the organs it had managed to pierce. The liver looked bright red, and very innocent!! (the second batch that went in, came out telling us that the second bullet was found in the liver. It didn't remain innocent any more!)

The only thing that grossed me out more than the dead body, was the smell. We're used to formalin now (although it never fails to bring tears into my eyes:-( ). But, the smell here was the one associated with the slaughter-house, the cutting up of raw meat....the smell of dead rats...the usual smell we all run away from.

Thankfully I did not faint, and came out pretty impressed. The viva took place after that and I had a good time. I had our HOD questioning me and I answered everything. It was a satisfactory viva, and I think he understood that I knew my subject. He looked particularly excited when I mentioned 'Panchanama' and descrobed what a warrant was. Day 1 was successful amd satisfactory.

13th January, 2010:

Pharmacology- The first thing to mention here is that I fell ill. Again. I got another round of cold and cough, and fever in the evening. I think it is Pharmac. Even before the theory paper, I was in a state. But, this time was worse. I decided that it did not matter, how the practical went.

The spots were a little tough. But, I think I got the drugs right in the table-work. I'd expected to totally be lost when that came along. So, I was more than just satisfied. The pharmacy viva was good and simple. My label turned out to all correct, and I answered all the questions correctly. There was a lot of participation from Dr. Momin (my examiner), with his gestures of agreement. So, I'm assuming that to be a good sign. The grand viva was plain horrible. I was reminded of what Anatomy used to be last year. The difference was that this was worse, because instead of a PG student, I had in front of me, a Professor, who got the impression that I was at the other end of the intelligence scale. It hurt. Illness not withstanding, I did not deserve such a bad viva. But, it was over, and thats all I cared about.

14th January, 2010:

Microbiology- The one started with tough spots. They were pretty out of the world. But, I realised later on that I had got the Spore Stain correct, and I couldn't feel more proud of myself. if I could get that, I could definitely get above 5 in the spots. The Viva on culture media and biochemical tests could have been better. I knew the stuff she was asking, but I needed her to prompt a bit. But, the 'her' in question was Dr. Suvarna Joshi ma'am, who was smiling all through. Its always nice to have a teacher in front of you, who can put you completely at ease, and calm you down. And Dr. Joshi's smile does exactly that. So, despite knowing that I did not do as well I could have done, I came back saying that it had gone pretty ok. The Gram stain and Zeihl-Neelson stain were a little messy. A lot of pink and purple on the fingers. Also, it is difficult to look for bacilli in the ZN stain. Luckily, I showed that slide to Manoj sir, and he said wat I thought was the bacillus, was actually a bacillus! Wow, that's new! I'd neevr gotten the hang of ZN staining. The Gram stain was easy, and I got Gram +ve rods, which the teacher said, were correct.

Dr. Dohe ma'am took my grand viva. It revolved around the two stains only. She only asked me about differences between Bacillus and Clostridia, because they were the differential diagnosis of my result in the Gram stain. I liked the viva a lot. I answered almost everything. There was some question, to which my answer was,"I don't know", but I don't even remember what it was. She asked me if I was a localite, where I stayed and said I could go! I felt happy and at ease.

15th January, 2010 (today):

Pathology- If there ever were an average practical, this would be it. The spots were good, the slides were easy. The first viva (on the two slides I had to identify) was ok. I could answer some, could answer a question on Typhoid. The slides in question were, that of Acute Ulcerative Appendicitis and Tuberculoid Leprosy.

The grand viva was ok. She didn't ask me much, I answered a fair amount. Nothing that led to "I have no idea ma'am", but nothing that had me jumping up and down with the answer. So, thats what it was.......quiet.

Note: Pathology might have gone better if I hadn't ended up with my worst stage of laryngitis today. Now, I have even given exams in this dreadful voice!!

So, thats the description. Its pretty easy to decide the order of practicals according to my performance. So, here goes.....

1. FMT

2. Micro

3. Patho

4. Pharmac

Thats my order of liking. And my marks should be accordingly. I'll come to know within in a few days...

Till then, it is going to be two days of complete rest and silence. I can't even bear to hear my voice. And I desperately need to eat, sleep and live like a loser who has nothing to do in life :-)

Ok, now eyes are tired and the HCl in the stomach is screaming out aloud for food to acidify. Hail, 2010 again!!! May the start be a good one!!

Year 2010.....Begins...

Happy New Year to one and all!!! We’re half way through our terminals, and I have already suffered through the horrors of having to stay up late into the night. It is my fault. I HAVE to do everything one day before the exam. To my luck, we had papers in the afternoon. So, I was able to do whatever I wanted to.

The papers have been good. Pathology was the best followed by Microbiology and then Pharmacology. I would partly blame my cough, cold and fever for the debacle that Pharmac was, but then, it would also be because I was never as well-prepared for Pharmac as I was for the other two. Forensic Medicine and Toxicology was good by its own standards. I’d spent more than half of the time I had for preparation, sleeping. So, considering all that I’d managed to study in the rest of the preparation, I had a decent paper. I wrote everything I knew, pushing it into one answer or the other. Over all, I had a much better terminal than the one last year. Of course, practicals are still left. They start on the 12^th and finish on the 15^th. But, I should say I’m quite satisfied with whatever I’ve written. The rest of my satisfaction can only be determined by the marks I manage to procure.

I’ve spent the past two days resting a bit. Not that the cold has reduced a lot, but at least I’m feeling much better than I was two days back. Now, just waiting for my practicals to get over so that I can breathe a breath of relief.

The New Year again this year, wasn’t very great. I was studying. And I haven’t made a lot of resolutions this year. I’d just like to be a little more regular than I have been in the first term. That’s all.

I definitely hope that 2010 brings, in terms of peace and brotherhood, a surge of hope for all of us. It hasn’t started all that well. What with the lastest news about a policeman being beaten to death by some criminals in front of the stopped cars of two Ministers. And, the Ruchika Girhotra case which evokes the dormant barbaric anger from the deepest corners of our hearts. 19 years on, and the sheer position of the accused is enough to help him get free with just a fine!! We talk about our country moving ahead, as new years come. But the examples we see seem to pointing in a completely different direction.

Exam Time - 2

We're officially half way through the terms now. We had our third and final theory paper today. It wasn't as good I wanted it to be. But, I've learnt to make up lines and lines of absolutely meaningful bullshit in these three papers, and that counts for something. Today was no different. There were questions I could have answered in one line, but because they were for 4 marks, I had to fill up the page with serious crap!! Guess, if any of my teachers come across this entry they will be nodding their heads off in agreement. Sorry guys, sorry having to make you go through the torture of reading some of my answers, but please know that if it hadn't been for the marks, I wouldn't have bothered!
Tomorrow starts the second innings of our term-match: the practicals. We have biochem tomorrow, and on the eve of such a practical, my friends and I are battling the big questions. " Are the journals allowed for the Quantitative analysis? Or do we mug up our entire journal?" Well, its a funny life during exam time, really. I've just finished with about 6 experiments, and am pretty sure I don't exactly remember which principle stands for which experiment. But, we've got about three hours in hand. So I'm hoping to be successful at mugging. And hoping my head off that the journals are allowed.
Am I scared of the viva? Well, not really. And thats not because I know my subject very well. I have become accustomed to really bad areas of experience. Tomorrow might just be one of those. So who cares! I'm looking at the university examination as my goal. So if things go terribly wrong tomorrow, I've made up my mind not to take it to heart.
Guess, that about explains my attitude. Looking forward to tomorrow in ways........

The New Year

I am terrified of the idea of writing my paper tomorrow. And when I say terrified, I mean it. I am going through the usual, pre-exam ritual of forgetting things, that I had learnt so well about a day back, so you see it geta a little tough. Still, I might manage somehow in Anatomy. Physiology is nowhere within my reach at the moment, and half a day is just not enough any way.
So obviously, my New Year's resolution is to study more, and more regularly. So that by the time I finish with my first year, things won't be in the state they are right now. How glad will I be when Jan 9th gets over!!
Its the first time I haven't stayed up till 12 to welcome the New Year. But I guess, things do change with time. And 2008 wasn't all that great. I got into BJ Medical ( something way beyond my dreams) , yeah. But the life after that hasn't exactly been a smooth sailing. So this was a mixed year. Regrets? Not many. I wasn't able to write my usual favorite year-end in my diary yesterday. That has been a hard one to swallow. It just won't be the same when I write it on the 9th.
Well, gotta get back to pushing things into my head now. Just really nervous. I want at least 30 so have to make that happen. I am gonna be happiest creature on earth when I finish with the terms.....And even happier ( and that is possible) if I pass all my subjects! I promise to study more and regularly, God! Just let me off this time and pass me in all three,PLZ!!!!

The Weekend Before The Exams

Its tough, trying to think of exams from next week, precisely, next Friday. And I'm not exactly completely prepared. So I'm in major soups of all sorts. I'm really worried about Physiology. But hopefully I'll manage somehow. What I really wanted to write about was the dissection we started this week. Its the Head and Neck, and we dissected the scalp and even the brain. AND I LOVED IT ALL!!!!!! Its like one of the biggest things in my life really! Me and liking dissection and even doing it. The brain looked amazing! It looks just like the way we draw it. The other body parts differ, but this looks exactly the same, as the diagrams we take mintues to master. Guess, that really took me by surprise. I was thinking of sitting in the library today. Unfortunately, the maintenance work had to come up today itself, so well, my experience of studying in the library has to wait a little longer. Maybe Monday. I'm thinking of trying to finish with Biochem this weekend. Hopefully I'll be successful in this attempt at least. I've put pictures of our brain dissection.....Its not as gross as it looks!