As the month of June creeps closer and closer, the
nervousness regarding my forthcoming examinations and the frustration over
unfinished work is reaching new heights.
I haven’t been in the best of moods. The sudden realization that:
1.
I am very far from my target of 50 cases for the
ICMR project.
2.
Residents vary in their desire to help me get on
with my project work.
3.
I am very far from finishing my Surgery portion
as I wanted to.
4.
I haven’t even started with the other subjects
yet.
5.
I am not able to get whole days to myself when I
can just study from start to end.
6.
I don’t really remember everything after doing
it just once.
7.
College is just a big waste of time.
8.
Journals keep piling up – first to write, then
to get the signatures.
Has made me melancholic. I haven’t yet reached the stage
where I start thinking negative about my situation. I may be on the way though.
I know for a fact that I have been taking about 8-10 cases over the past 3
weeks I think. I should have 30 cases, right? I am stuck at 24 and 25. The imminent
arrival of my Guide on 27th is also making me a little uncomfortable.
I have to show him my cases…it will be very disappointing if he points out
mistakes. Please, please let him not.
Talking about studies itself is frustrating. The subjects
this year were supposed to be interesting. Somehow, my interest in them has
vanished. I don’t feel the desire to go on and on with my studying. Instead, I’m
just waiting for those little breaks, which eventually span out into larger
breaks than they are supposed to be.
Maybe it is the idea of me running around for that project,
while seeing my friends study, which is eating me from inside. Maybe it is the
idea of me studying that is eating me from inside. In all, final year is
testing a lot of me. I also get the feeling that this is just the beginning.
There is a lot more to come. We’ll see…I look back to that one week…to those
two days when I had totally lost hope…those two days when I had to deal with
one shock after another…I got through that. There is no reason why I can’t get
through the studying then J
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