I’m not a social person. I have very strict ideas about the
kind of parties I like and the kind I don’t. I have my own circle of close
friends whom I regularly meet. We talk a LOT and catch up on each other’s
lives. There is no drinking involved, no needless gossip, no dressing up…just
some good old friends having a good time, laughing and sharing their desires
and thoughts.
I met a couple of my school friends day before yesterday for
dinner. They are both doing Engineering. One of them has a dual degree with
Economics, and the other has a dual degree with Biology. So, practically
speaking, each of us is in our own world professionally. They say, don’t they,
the grass is always greener on the other side. However, having conversations with
them, has made me wonder whether it is really worth it to do what I am doing.
Frankly speaking, the only reason I decided that Medicine
was my field was because I sucked at Physics and Mathematics decided to abandon
me during the year I needed it the most. By mid-12th grade, my
prophecy from 10th grade (I want to do Chemical Engineering from IIT
Powai) had all but eaten dust. My strength was Chemistry and Biology. I decided
to do the practical thing, choose the lesser of the two evils. Instead of
forcing myself to succeed in two subjects I sucked at (Physics and Maths), I
forced myself to manage just Physics and enjoy Chemistry and Biology. I ended
up making the right decision, since I got into BJMC in my first attempt itself,
in the first round itself. I could not have asked for more.
Today, however, I wonder whether I have done what I had
thought I would do as a medical student or not? I wonder whether it really is
worth it to put in as much of effort and pressure as we do. Medicine is a tough
choice for a profession. You need to have the push and the desire to give. You
need to feel that insane urge to serve people. You need to feel that you just
have to make your patients ok. I agree that in the past 3.5 years, I have
formed an idea of what I will be doing in the future. I do want to give back to
people. I want to make this world a better place. I just wonder why it is so
difficult to want to do such things.
Final year is supposed to be crazy. It is crazy. It hasn’t
treated me very well either. I am not particularly enjoying it. But, even then,
I’m not a sulky sort of person. I love myself and life too much to really sulk
about it. The fact that I am sulking about this year, means there is something
wrong. Maybe I am taking that project too much to heart. But, even then, the
rest of the year isn’t all that great.
I am wondering today whether I really want to get out into the
world and treat patients. Do I really want to put myself through all the
torture that being a doctor brings with itself? This year will get over. Then there
shall be the internship, the PG entrance, the residency, the super-specialisation,
the start of my private practice. I’m already tired thinking about it. On the
other hand, my friends are excited about their internships and have nothing to
really worry about. Work from Monday-Friday…weekends off…a good pay…their life
is pretty much set.
I’m just a little disillusioned, I guess, by the working of
my college and our lives as medical students. I know I am being extreme in my
reaction…but life could be so much better for us, even with all the studying.
Lectures, teachers, patients…it all sounds so interesting from an onlooker’s
point of view. I wish it were really the case…
Any way, I think I’ll get over this feeling soon…it
was pretty refreshing to get out of college life and meet up with my friends.
It is such a blessing when your friends are from different fields. You can just
lock out all your frustrations and sorrows and have a great time with them. You
talk about different things, reminisce about old times…you end up bringing back
some spice into your life…and that is all I really need J
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