I just have to write. I have my Paediatrics term end tomorrow, so ideally, I should be studying. However, out of curiosity, I went through my last post and the urge to write erupted through me. The past two-three weeks have been such huge reality checks. I think I have almost hit rock-bottom, but somehow, managed to wriggle out with something to cherish.
I remember writing a month back that my ICMR Selection list was out, and that my project had been selected. I wrote a lot of reasons why I decided I would not do the project. However, a little coaxing from my mother ( she showed the wonderful things I would get if I had this project under my belt.) and I decided that I would do the project. The more-than-just-happy approval from my Guide gave me all the more reason to go ahead with it. Neither of them told me what I was in for, though.
Everyone says the first few days of any project are hard. You are somehow just getting into the rhythm, trying to work out some kind of schedule, arranging and rearranging your work, meeting the concerned people. Lots of things just tend to happen together. You end up hating those first few days. I went through just more than hating them. Being a student at a Government Medical College, I should have realised this a long time back - You can never walk straight in here. You just HAVE to take turns to reach something that can resemble a destination. My Guide told me that doing the Lipid Profiles of patients would be a very easy thing to do. That has ended up being the most dreadful thing to do. It takes quite an effort to coax patients into talking to you. An even bigger effort is required to bring these very people to you the next morning to take the blood samples. Add to that, the fact that Lipid Profiles are NOT done regularly in our hospital, got me freaked out majorly. I now also had to provide the kit to do the test. Still, it was ok. I went to the Diabetic OPD on Day 1 of my project, and managed to take some cases. Next, I had to go and tell the Lab Director that the kit would arrive there soon. When I told him that, he dropped the next bombshell - " I don't have the manpower to do the tests. You'll have to do them yourself. I'll teach you." That was it! I have my term exams coming up in June, and now I have to perform Lipid profile testing of patients!
I am going to take a few words here to talk about my temperament. I'm cool. I get nervous before an exam or a Viva. I just talk to myself at that time, say stuff like, "You're being stupid! You've studied. It is going to go great. Come on, be yourself!", and go back to being cool again. I don't freak out. I don't stop eating or lose sleep or dream of scary scenarios related to anything. I'm just not that kind of a person. I switch on and off pretty easily.
Those two days, I did exactly the opposite of what I've written above. I kept thinking about the project, the time that was going to be wasted, the patients whose blood I would have to take, the ignorance of my Guide for having put me through all this (although the Lipids may have been the reason why the project got selected in the first place), the sadistic happiness that the Director was getting (again, although, he might have been telling me the truth), my term end exams, my univ exams (yes, I went to the extent of planning out my schedule for the repeat year). I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I became an insomniac within a day!
Being who I am, I couldn't share this with anybody. My Mom, bless her soul, saw right through me, and gave me a boost up the next morning. The fact that two patients came that day, and I could finally say that I had started my project, made me a little settled.
Since then, however, I've been trying to find the right rhythm. The insomnia has sort of remained. I still get up at 5 in the morning and manage to study a little. Going to the Diabetic OPD is something I have come to dread. The compliance of patients is 50%, so now, I've decided not to go there at all. I'll just hunt down patients in the wards. That way, the irritating bug (Wednesday Diabetic OPD awaits you. HAHAHA!!!!) that keeps haunting me all through the week, will disappear. I am trying to just divide my day into parts. 8-9:30 am will be dedicated to looking for cases. Thereafter, posting. The afternoon onward will be my study time. Exams are coming up next month, and I need to score. That means I need to study, HARD.
I do panic. There are loads of moments. But, I'm trying to manage. Journals have added to the tension. The to-do list never seems to reduce! My brother (in the 12th grade now) had his entrance exams. My Mom had gotten really nervous. I sat with her throughout the day for company. During that time, I finished writing two journals. The trick is always multi-tasking. I have never been good at it. I've chosen an awful time to learn it, but I can give it a shot, right?
Right now, everything else in on the back burner. I had had the idea of applying to a few universities abroad for some courses after my Univ exams. I've decided to chuck those plans. There is no way I can do everything and succeed in it all. I got past the IDS, that is enough. Now I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and the project. I can't wait for the Surgery posting to begin. I can almost feel the fresh rejuvenation already :-)
Life sucks. A lot. Having to deal with so many people now, I've realised that. It isn't all rosy, this growing up. When you are a medical student in the GMC, the word doesn't even fit into your dictionary of life. I have gotten really low over the past few weeks. There were times, when I thought I should to take some medication to shut out the many thoughts swimming around at Olympic-record time in my head, so that I could concentrate on a single one. But, I got past all that, and am still standing ok. Yeah, I lost weight, and the radiance of my face (according to my Mom). Point is, I got through it. I still dread going to hunt for cases, but I still manage to end up doing it all. I'm far back in my studies, but i know and hope I can do it in time. I'm shit scared and nervous about the next month, but I can still smile and crack jokes right now.
This is reality- not easy, but easy enough to give you a chance to make it so :-)
Best of luck for Paeds, Jill!! Do well :-)
I remember writing a month back that my ICMR Selection list was out, and that my project had been selected. I wrote a lot of reasons why I decided I would not do the project. However, a little coaxing from my mother ( she showed the wonderful things I would get if I had this project under my belt.) and I decided that I would do the project. The more-than-just-happy approval from my Guide gave me all the more reason to go ahead with it. Neither of them told me what I was in for, though.
Everyone says the first few days of any project are hard. You are somehow just getting into the rhythm, trying to work out some kind of schedule, arranging and rearranging your work, meeting the concerned people. Lots of things just tend to happen together. You end up hating those first few days. I went through just more than hating them. Being a student at a Government Medical College, I should have realised this a long time back - You can never walk straight in here. You just HAVE to take turns to reach something that can resemble a destination. My Guide told me that doing the Lipid Profiles of patients would be a very easy thing to do. That has ended up being the most dreadful thing to do. It takes quite an effort to coax patients into talking to you. An even bigger effort is required to bring these very people to you the next morning to take the blood samples. Add to that, the fact that Lipid Profiles are NOT done regularly in our hospital, got me freaked out majorly. I now also had to provide the kit to do the test. Still, it was ok. I went to the Diabetic OPD on Day 1 of my project, and managed to take some cases. Next, I had to go and tell the Lab Director that the kit would arrive there soon. When I told him that, he dropped the next bombshell - " I don't have the manpower to do the tests. You'll have to do them yourself. I'll teach you." That was it! I have my term exams coming up in June, and now I have to perform Lipid profile testing of patients!
I am going to take a few words here to talk about my temperament. I'm cool. I get nervous before an exam or a Viva. I just talk to myself at that time, say stuff like, "You're being stupid! You've studied. It is going to go great. Come on, be yourself!", and go back to being cool again. I don't freak out. I don't stop eating or lose sleep or dream of scary scenarios related to anything. I'm just not that kind of a person. I switch on and off pretty easily.
Those two days, I did exactly the opposite of what I've written above. I kept thinking about the project, the time that was going to be wasted, the patients whose blood I would have to take, the ignorance of my Guide for having put me through all this (although the Lipids may have been the reason why the project got selected in the first place), the sadistic happiness that the Director was getting (again, although, he might have been telling me the truth), my term end exams, my univ exams (yes, I went to the extent of planning out my schedule for the repeat year). I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I became an insomniac within a day!
Being who I am, I couldn't share this with anybody. My Mom, bless her soul, saw right through me, and gave me a boost up the next morning. The fact that two patients came that day, and I could finally say that I had started my project, made me a little settled.
Since then, however, I've been trying to find the right rhythm. The insomnia has sort of remained. I still get up at 5 in the morning and manage to study a little. Going to the Diabetic OPD is something I have come to dread. The compliance of patients is 50%, so now, I've decided not to go there at all. I'll just hunt down patients in the wards. That way, the irritating bug (Wednesday Diabetic OPD awaits you. HAHAHA!!!!) that keeps haunting me all through the week, will disappear. I am trying to just divide my day into parts. 8-9:30 am will be dedicated to looking for cases. Thereafter, posting. The afternoon onward will be my study time. Exams are coming up next month, and I need to score. That means I need to study, HARD.
I do panic. There are loads of moments. But, I'm trying to manage. Journals have added to the tension. The to-do list never seems to reduce! My brother (in the 12th grade now) had his entrance exams. My Mom had gotten really nervous. I sat with her throughout the day for company. During that time, I finished writing two journals. The trick is always multi-tasking. I have never been good at it. I've chosen an awful time to learn it, but I can give it a shot, right?
Right now, everything else in on the back burner. I had had the idea of applying to a few universities abroad for some courses after my Univ exams. I've decided to chuck those plans. There is no way I can do everything and succeed in it all. I got past the IDS, that is enough. Now I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and the project. I can't wait for the Surgery posting to begin. I can almost feel the fresh rejuvenation already :-)
Life sucks. A lot. Having to deal with so many people now, I've realised that. It isn't all rosy, this growing up. When you are a medical student in the GMC, the word doesn't even fit into your dictionary of life. I have gotten really low over the past few weeks. There were times, when I thought I should to take some medication to shut out the many thoughts swimming around at Olympic-record time in my head, so that I could concentrate on a single one. But, I got past all that, and am still standing ok. Yeah, I lost weight, and the radiance of my face (according to my Mom). Point is, I got through it. I still dread going to hunt for cases, but I still manage to end up doing it all. I'm far back in my studies, but i know and hope I can do it in time. I'm shit scared and nervous about the next month, but I can still smile and crack jokes right now.
This is reality- not easy, but easy enough to give you a chance to make it so :-)
Best of luck for Paeds, Jill!! Do well :-)
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