Death

Death has always intrigued me. I wonder what it is like to go on the other of life…but more importantly, it cuts through my heart to see the people that you leave behind…the crying and all can be managed…but the hidden feelings, the pain, the unhappiness felt can’t even be measured.

I have seen relatives crying aloud in groups in the corridors of Sassoon. Initially it was unsettling. But, soon I got used to it. There are things you can’t do anything about. And death is one of them. Yesterday, however, I went back to being unsettled again.

I have wondered for a long time, what I would go through if I lose a patient. A patient under your care surrenders his life to you. That is a huge responsibility. Losing that life would make me so guilty…in fact, a lot of times, I’ve decided on not taking up braches that involve life and death…I don’t think I would be able to live with the thought of not being able to prevent death. Yesterday, the event unfolding before me and my emotions during that time, proved to me that I still haven’t strengthened my mind to face serious situations in the future.

On Friday, a friend and I were examining a patient of Alcoholic Liver Disease. On the bed next to him, was a young patient. He was asleep when his father started to wake him up. He did not wake up…his father slapped his face a few times, but when there wasn’t any response, he went and called the doctor in-charge. They managed to get the patient to wake up. I was a little scared that they might lose the patient, but he was breathing the whole time, so I was sure he was hanging on. Yesterday when the same events repeated, there was no respiratory movement and know response…the patient got an infarction in front of our eyes and the doctors couldn’t do anything to save him. They tried CPR but couldn’t do much…he expired…

The whole time, his father was standing at the side, expressionless. When he was told that his son hadn’t made it, he tried making a few calls. His face looked a bag full of suppressed emotions as he tried to deal with the problem of range for his cellphone. Looking at the way he was walking around and trying to remain calm, I wished he’d had one more person to manage him. After taking the help of the people around him, he managed to let his relatives know, I guess...That done, he sat on his son’s bed. And he just stared at that face. Then, he took his son’s head in his lap and brushed his fingers through his son’s hair. A lot of times.

That was when it happened. There was a change of expression…a glimpse of the actual pain he was going through. He kept staring at that pale face, kept running his fingers through those hair…with speed that showed his intent at wanting to get his son back. It was so painful to watch him like that. Helpless, broken, lost. I wanted to go and give him a hug. I wanted to tell him it was ok to cry and that he should. But, all I could do was stand at a distance.

It hurts so much to think of some person you know, as dead…a friend of mine expired in an accident 4 years back. She wasn’t a very close friend, but the shock and pain I had felt at that time, makes me uncomfortable even today. I still care and still wish she was around with us. If that is what acquaintances feel about the dead, how would the relatives feel? How would parents feel holding their children’s bodies in their hands; the same hands that had held those children when they were born, the same hands that had held their children’s hands as they took their first steps…the dreams, the beautiful pictures painted suddenly come crashing down and all you stare at is that white face. You want to do anything to bring them back, even sacrifice yourself if it would bring them back. But, you just sit there, crying to yourself…trying to move on, but not being able to get rid of those memories.

And this is where I think, should I, as a doctor, be so sentimental about death? This wasn’t even my patient, or a patient I’d talked to. But, I still felt it. Wouldn’t it be worse if a patient under my care lost his battle? Apart from feeling guilty, I would keep thinking about the effects of that death on the rest of his family. This will only increase my own guilt. In my sensitive side’s defence though, I can only say : It takes time to get used to something, or to find a way to get used to it. And where Medicine is concerned, failures are more serious than failures anywhere else.

Food for thought, I guess… 

That's What I Feel Like Singing!!

Iceberg

The iceberg has some wonderful peculiarities. The most important one is obviously its shape. What you see is the tip and there is a whole huge world of ice underneath. Final year is that world of ice. It all starts way back in first year when you are a starry-eyed kid, fresh out of junior college. You arrive at the gates of this strange place. You have lots of exciting hopes and dreams. More importantly, you have some really, really exciting preconceived ideas about how your new life is going to be. A week into college however, those ideas changes pretty dramatically.

You already fall behind your said timetable…the textbooks become hard to understand…the teachers and their English even harder…you wonder why there are so many new words you have to learn…and at some point of time, you ask yourself why you wanted this. Of course, the answer usually revolves around some ancient childhood dream (yours or your parents’), or the fact that you love Biology or (in my case) the fact that you know you couldn’t have gone through with the other option (Engg).

The problems that hit you the hardest don’t come in your first year. They aren’t even related to your first year subjects. And they involve people concerned with the administration of your college (especially if it’s a Government one), and people who are senior to you (beyond undergraduates). These problems are concerned with some subjects that nag you from the start of college to the end of college, namely PSM, Medicine, Surgery, ObGy, Paediatrics. And there is just one word that describes these problems completely.

JOURNALS

Yes, Journals. Nobody tells you in your first year that you should complete your PSM journal at that time or they are going to trouble you in Third year. No. You make that mistake and pay for it for half of you Third Minor. Similarly, there are 4 postings of each of the next 4 subjects I’ve mentioned above. Nobody bothers to tell you to write cases in that journal when you go for your first ever posting. In fact, if its Surgery in our college, you convince your Unit that a termend  examination is not necessary. You manage to live happily until reality strikes you in your final year.

Now instead of studying hard, you get down to completing journals. Journals of three previous terms. Then you get down to hunting the concerned people down. But, oops. Its been three years you know. The Chief Resident has started his own private consulting and is no longer concerned with your college. The Lecturer of that time has done his required duty and moved onto better things. And the Junior Resident (who you’d called an idiot and many other things for marking you absent on some ancient day) is now the Chief Resident. Yikes. It is going to be difficult to explain how you’ve managed to get so late :-p

We’ve been lucky enough to get Units who either pushed us into completing our journals in the concerned posting itself, or have at least decent people who don’t create a ruckus when it comes to signing journals for 2 years ago. But, there are certain people who do create some problems. Like our first Surgery Unit. They took a term-end examination before giving us signs on our journals for our 2^nd year posting.

Well, Medicine is tough. The day you enter that Medical College with those twinkling eyes, your training starts. And Journals and their completion are the best tools to teach perseverance, determination and patience. You also end up learning the origin of the famous proverbs “Try Try till you Succeed” and “Try Try, Don’t Cry” . Yup, definitely Med School!!  

The Olympics - A Story

The London Olympics got a grand close, just like the wonderfully British Welcome they had received 17 days back. It is surprising how these Games got over so fast. They were to last for 17 days. How these 17 days raced past us, cannot be expressed in words! I guess my favourite part of the Opening Ceremony was Voldemort making his grand entry. As an avid Harry Potter fan, there is something in that guy that makes me love him for being a part of Harry’s world. This is what happens when a series that made the formative years of your childhood, comes to an end. You end up liking all the villains too, because they remind you of that wonderful story that filled you up with hope, courage and the effervescent feeling that you are not, and will never be, alone.

My second favourite moment was the sequence of the Queen entering the Ceremony. Having the knowledge that Royals have a code of behavior that cannot be shaken, I felt that it was really sporting of the Queen to agree to show the fun side of herself too J

My third favourite (and this is because it is my favourite in every Olympics) was the lighting of the Olympic Flame. There are so many ways to do it. Trust Danny Boyle to take the kinkiest, most beautiful way. The petals provided to each country came together to burn together, as if to signify the message of the Olympics in fire : Peace, Brotherhood and Togetherness. Thank You for that spectacle Mr. Boyle. If nothing else, this shall be remembered for generations to come.

I want to take this Opportunity to list down some athletes who struck a chord, who scripted history, who got those medals, whose smiles and happiness at winning, showed why the Olympics are so special.

At the top of the list :

ANDY MURRAY:

So it the usual practice for me to support Andy Murray when Rafa isn’t around. Andy has had the misfortune of playing in an era when there are three players (Rafa, Roger, Novak) better than him. Try as hard he can, he can’t beat them all. Umtimately, he ends up getting beaten by one of them any way. People (and these three too) say that Andy’s time will come. But, hey, time doesn’t wait for anyone. Andy’s chances of winning a Grand Slam seem to get slimmer by the day. A month back, I abandoned watching the Wimbledon Final between him and Roger because, after a breath-taking first set, he played a loser’s game and managed to lose a match that could’ve left him saying, “I won the Wimbledon. Now I can die in peace.” Instead, on that podium, he cried his heart out. Imagine my terror when he was set to play Novak in the Semi-final of the Olympics. I had relegated him to the bronze medal match. It was such a relieving surprise to read that he won that match in straight sets!!

But, then came the opponent for the Gold Medal. Roger Federer. Man, I couldn’t believe his luck. Federer had managed to get past Del Potro ( who I like for the simple reason that he won that US Open back in 2010, beating both Novak and Roger) in three sets, the third 19-17. That was not a result to get, especially when you support Del Potro. Any way, point is, this Final would be a repeat of the Wimbledon Final. I couldn’t see a different result. But, a different result is what Andy had in store. He played like a MANIAC. I can imagine how Einstein must’ve worked when he started to solve the problem that lead to E=MC*2. Andy got a Gold Medal instead. A fine gold medal at his own Olympics.. That day, Mr. Andy Murray, you just pushed yourself up by a 1000 steps. You can only go forward from here J Thank You J

USAIN BOLT:

A bolt of lightning. Frankly, I don’t watch much of Athletics. But, at the Olympics, that is my main attraction. And Mr. Usain Bolt comes and steals your breath away (and I mean just one, max two breaths, ‘coz he finishes his races in that much time!!) It is so difficult to defend your own titles. Especially, when they come in timings like 9.63 and 19.32 seconds. But, you did it. In style. Wow.

They can talk about Yohan Blake, Tyson Gay, Justin Gatlin, Asafa Powell all they want. You are Usain Bolt. And, you shall beat them any way. I actually stayed up to watch your 100m and 200m final. Just to watch you win. It was worth every minute of the staying J That’s saying something for races that, combined, took less than half a minute :-p

By the way, Volunteer kid Chris is a really lucky guy. He got your cap with a 2 minute conversation. What would I do to be in his place!!

MICHAEL PHELPS:

There is one and there shall always be one. Beijing is remembered for two things: The grand opening ceremony and Michael Phelps and his astonishing octet of medals.

Obviously, it was difficult this time. You wouldn’t be human to win Golds in all the six events you’d entered into. This time there were Silvers and a Bronze around your neck. Hey, different colours always look good J You became the most celebrated athlete in Olympic history. 22 bloody medals!! 22. 18 golds. They presented you with that trophy. That just isn’t enough. 22 medals!! Wow. You have inspired not one, but two or even three generations to take up swimming.

I feel so incredibly lucky to be born in an era where you have been at your best. Out-of-the-world stuff, and I was there to watch it!! Great stories for the next generations to come J

MARK ZONDERLAND:

I do not understand much of Men’s Gymnastics. Most of them do the same stuff. The only place I give them different marks, in their landing. But, even a novice like me, knew I was watching something spectacular when Mark Zonderland started his routine on the single bar. Gasps echoed all through the watching crowd. The crazy stuff he did, had people standing up, mouths open, eyes pouting out of their sockets. When he landed (perfect by the way), you didn’t even need scores to tell that he’d done it. He beat the German guy by a comfortable margin.

I don’t know whether you’ll be able to produce a near-perfect spectacle like that again, Mr. Zonderland. But, for that Gold Medal performance and your infectious smile, I shall look out for you next time. Thank You for that one-minute trip to Wonderland!!

DAVID RUDISHA:

One Man Army. In the real world, you do not lead a 800m race from the start and still manage to finish first, let alone break your own world record in the process. But then, Mr. Rudisha wasn’t running in the real world any way. He was running in the Olympics. He was running his own race. The first individual world record to be broken at the London Olympics, and there couldn’t be a better guy to do it. Hats off Sir. Hats off. You are a wonder!

SUSHIL KUMAR:

We had to wait for that last day to see this wonderful guy in action. I would seem very mean here, but I don’t see how Indian sportsmen can repeat their feats of glory every four years. In a country starved off medals, any athlete who brings home a medal is so hyped up by the media, he manages to disappear into oblivion in the next Games. It happened to Rajvardhan Rathore, it happened to Abhinav Bindra, and it happened to Vijender Singh. I saw it coming to Sushil Kumar too.

But that is what sets this guy apart. He managed to keep himself grounded, practiced hard, won important tournaments when it mattered and gave himself confidence and hope that he could win again. He said he would change the colour of his medal. That he did. With a lot of confidence. A Silver Medal to the guy who was made the Flag-Bearer of India in the Opening Ceremony. A deserving choice for that honour. Today, he is the only Indian to have two consecutive medals in the Olympics. I can’t think of anyone who deserves this piece of history more than Sushil Kumar. Proud to be an Indian J

MC MARY KOM:

If there were a few people I would bet on, for Gold medals, she would head that list. Her story to success is, in itself inspiring. Then, you see her. You see her confidence, her smile, her humility. You get inspired further. A married woman, mother of two kids, a woman whose husband gave up everything to see her succeed….a boxer who reached several heights of boxing throughout her career but who could never get a chance to enter Olympic glory. When she finally did, she was 29 and her weight category wasn’t included. She boxed her way to a Bronze (Nicole Adams is just too strong) medal. It was disappointing, but then, she got a Medal. That, she does deserve. Every single bit. We don’t know where the road will take you next, Mary Kom. But, wherever you go, every woman shall come to you and say, “Thank You.” You’ve given us what we all dearly need in this country. The confidence to fight.

PARUPALLI KASHYAP:

Admidst all the celebrations for Saina Nehwal, one person has been forgotten. This is the first Indian Male player to reach the badminton quarter-final in the Olympics. Wow. He wasn’t even tipped as a medal contender. He was just another of the Badminton squad sent to London. While all the limelight was placed on Nehwal, Jwala Gutta-Ashwini Ponappa and Gutta-Diju, Mr. Kashyap probably just practiced on his own, getting his best shots in order to stand a chance.

They say Luck and God favour the bold and hard-working. That is exactly what happened. Mr. Kashyap was nicknamed “Giant Killer” as he set about contriving the defeats of top-ranked players. This was true sports. No hye, just plain sweat, toil and determination. He had to bow out in the quarters to that Malaysian guy who won the Silver. During that time, he captured the imagination of millions (and the hearts of many girls, I’m sure. He’s pretty cute J). I hope you improve upon your performance in Rio. Would love to see a Bronze at least, against your name, Mr. Kashyap.

GAGAN NARANG:

The shocking news of Abhinav Bindra crashing out of qualification seemed hard to digest to the entire nation. I guess, the defending champion not being able to enter the final, made us forget that there was another, a stronger and more stable, Indian in the fray. And, in pretty good form too. That final was nerve –racking. You didn’t seem at your best. Other than Mary Kom, you were my bet for the Gold. You deserved it, after 2 previous heart-breaking Olympics. But, then, does the colour really matter? A medal is a medal. Its not like the Gold Medalist worked much harder than you did. A Podium finish. That’s what you wanted, and that’s what you got.

India’s first medal in these Olympics came to a guy, who really deserved it. That medal means more to us than a Gold. We llok forward to many more J

VIJAY KUMAR:

An Army-Subedar participated in the Olympics, and the nation didn’t even know. Then that Army-Subedar won the first Silver of these Olympics, ans suddenly the whole nation was singing praises of this guy, as if they had been sure of him all along. Welcome to India J

Vijay Kumar, you are the epitome of concentration and restraint. People would jump about and dance if they’d won silver. You looked back with a slight smile on your face and raise your hand. That’s it. Army really does discipline you completely.

That final was fantastic! You were in medal contention throughout. And, really, that Silver was what you deserved and no less. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. You came out of nowhere to capture the imagination of the nation. I hope you manage to maintain that. Thank you J      

OSCAR PISTORUS:

Around two years back, a double amputee dared to dream about competing with the able-bodied. Others would have been happy competing in the Para-Olympics.  Not Mr. Pistorus. He challenged, questioned, fought. Ultimately, he got what he wanted – a chance to compete in the London Olympics 2012. What is inspiring about this guy is his will and guts. He knows he has to work twice or maybe thrice as hard as the rest to match up to them. But, he won’t give up. That is what works for him.

Luck favours the brave and again it did here too. South Africa made it into the Final of the 4X100 relay although they couldn’t complete the heat, thanks to a push by some Kenyan Athlete. He pushed the second South-African down and he ended up with a dislocated shoulder. South Africa appealed and they got into the Final. Yes, they came 8^th. But, you know what, Oscar Pistorus ran like there was no future to his existence without this race. He ran the race of his life. And I saw the race of my life. You totally deserved to run in that final. Seeing you run, I know I have one of those inspiring moments I can look back upon when things aren’t looking up for me. Bravo!!

GAIR MARIAL:

He wanted to run but his country has no Olympic Committee. How could he manage to get here then? In the spirit of the Games, the IOA put forth their hand. And Marial ran under the Olympic flag. I waited 17 days to watch him run in that Men’s Marathon. When he crossed the finish line, he had created his own history. When you want to do something and you find yourself facing a load of obstacles, stop and think calmly. Usually, there is a way out. Marial proved it. So good to know that when you want something really bad, you manage to somehow figure everything out J

CHRIS HOY:

Yeah, you’d won a cupboard full of medals before. Yes, there were younger players out there. Yes, this is your last Olympics. But, yes, you had the determination to do it yet again (7^th medal I think, and 7^th gold). The oldest guy in the pack came away with the Gold. And then, not just Britain, the whole world raised a toast to a legend who ended things in style and how. You ROCK!!

SAINA NEHWAL:

It was disappointing to win the Bronze the way she did. But, I’m selfish and I’m glad she won it. This girl’s been one determined woman. She hasn’t gone the Sania Mirza way. Instead, she has managed to keep herself grounded and yearns to keep winning. Yeah, I think she deserved a lot more than a Bronze. But, it isn’t easy to scale that Chinese mountain. You can’t get it your way everytime. I’m happy for her but I wish that in Rio, she does manage to change the colour of that medal.

Yes. That’s the people who really made an impact on me this time. I enjoyed watching every bit of the Olympics. I can’t wait for Rio 2016…the only regret is that, well, everyone will be four years older, including me :-p

Outside My Comfort Zone

A moment of personal victory for me was to receive an E-mail from the Moving Academy of Medicine and Biomedicine telling me that I had been selected among the 40 people from all over India to attend a Foundation Workshop of Clinical and Laboratory Medicine Research. When I initially sent my ICMR proposal to them, I did not expect to get through. It was a wonderful feeling to see that e-mail and know that I had a marvelous experience coming up in the next month. My only regret is that I won't be able to spend my birthday with the people closest to me. However, the way I'll spend my birthday this year sounds pretty great too :-))
On Saturday (4th August), members of Medical and Educational Perspective, a non-profit organisation looking to come up with low-cost innovative equipment to better the health situation in India and other developing countries, visited BJ. We interacted with them and what struck me most was that they were so seriously concerned with wanting to do something to improve Medical Science and Healthcare. There were medical students, MD students, PhD students and Bio-Medical Engineering students too...all with a common goal. It made me ask myself why I, as a budding doctor in India, should not be as concerned about the situation here and strive to do something about it.
Talking to them, I realised how differently we are brought up by the educational system in India. You are moulded to run in a particular direction. Yes, at times you may deviate a little and do something outstanding. But, ultimately, you are pushed onto that straight path with a pre-decided goal. These guys, instead, are forced to think differently and originally. They are forced to use their heads, heart and creativity and imagination. They are forced to take that path which deviates outside of normal and stay there...it is so refreshing!! I was delighted that I managed to interact with them. I was disappointed at the same time, because due to our poor timing (what with it being Final year and prelims coming up), I won't be able to really be a part of the project that they want to undertake here in India..ah well, maybe soon enough...
My Ethics Committee saga may come to an end...I'm not sure yet. I'll need an entire post to describe it. I'm just going to say that if there were ever a bunch of idiots with egos as huge as Jupiter, they were all hand-picked from the various parts of the world they lived in, and placed in BJ Medical College as the Ethics Committee.