Death

Its 3 am in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’ve gotten up to news that always shakes my soul, no matter who is concerned. It’s a death, and one of a close relative. Did I see him in the past 10 years? No. Do I remember his face? No. But my grandmom told me a snippet of how cute a thing I was way back when I was 4 years old. And that snippet is enough to pull me into this mindset…a place where I can’t decide, again, how to deal with the trauma inflicted upon us mortals by something called Death.

I don’t know what everyone is going through. There isn’t much crying, but there is a hush. A hush that is heavy with all the regrets about things that could’ve been done, should’ve been done, that may have been done and better sense prevailed. There is a hush that usually surrounds such news …it wants to say a lot of things, but somewhere between the brain and tongue, it stops…as if not wanting to come out, lest it unleash a cloud of emotions we can’t deal with.

He was beyond 80 years old…he was ill…there was a huge chance this was going to happen…but, when it does, this thought doesn’t make it any easier. The only consoling thought could be that he was restless…he didn’t like being the way he was…he was getting angry about his situation…this was the only way out…but, it doesn’t make it any easier when you ask yourself, “Was it?” It wasn’t the doctors’ decision to make it happen, it was made by Someone Somewhere….Someone who thought it was time to go.

Such thinking doesn’t make it easier either. Who would wish things turned out this way? Who would want to feel all the rush of emotions at this moment? When you begin to realize that you will NEVER see that person again, it hurts….in that pit of your stomach that isn’t even a part of any happy feelings that could make it easier. It hurts, because along with that knowledge, comes a load of memories…when he first held you…saw you walk for the first time…watched you get your first award…saw you in your darkest hour to give you strength that only a parent could give…all the fights, all the good times… and then, that so-called consoling thought doesn’t seem so consoling any more…

In death, every hate that you’d ever felt towards that person seems to evaporate (unless it was a murderer or something…in that case, things would be different maybe)…you end up saying to yourself, yes, it was stupid…maybe I shouldn’t have gone so far. But, it hurt that time, and maybe for years after that…and so you never really ended up taking about it. Now that is what you regret. A lot.

Death is the rule of Nature. Is it just us Humans who end up feeling this way? This barrage of emotions that erupt with such news…a turmoil that we can’t deal with? And, why does everyone say time heals everything? It might suppress the memories, it might bring new ideas, new avenues…somewhere deep down, the old ones still remain…and this transition. This transition from right now to then, isn’t that a painful process? How should you deal with the idea that somebody has gone to a place where he can’t be reached, can’t be seen, can’t be felt. A place, we say, exists, but don’t know much about…does it really? Or is it just the end. An abrupt end to a mortal life that had to end from the very time it began.

These questions come up every time. Is there any answer to them? Life goes on, as it should. But, there has to be a moment when these ideas get overwhelmingly too much. What does a person do? How do you deal with Death. How do you manage to let go of all those regrets, all those happy memories that hurt so much? Most importantly, how do you run away from your own mind that refuses to want to deal with it all and move on. This moving on process, reducing a person’s being to a mere memory….is that fair to him? He lived a life….a life that was pieced together by his own work and those around him. He lived A LIFE. Is it fair to reduce that life to a memory that threatens to disappear when it gets too distant? Would you want to remain just a memory? In that case, this means we’re selfish enough to wish the people close to us shouldn’t move on at all. Yet, that is not how life is supposed to work.

Maybe some day, I’ll find answers to all these conflicting thoughts that eat me through and through. However, if there’s something I learn from this, it’s that, you have to say everything you want to, to every person in your life. Tell them you love them forever, whatever may happen in the future. You shouldn’t want to say it when its too late.

May his soul rest in peace.