It has been almost two months since I last wrote. Internship
SUCKS. And as days go by, the feeling of getting used to the whole routine
doesn’t make this thought any more palatable. When I was in final year, all I
wanted was to get out of it and redeem myself with that one month break between
results and the end of exams. During that one month, each day, I went a step
closer to the beginning of this internship. Damn, I hated that.
We’ve had Paediatrics and are currently posted in
Orthopaedics. Let’s begin with Paediatrics-
If there is ever a place that can frustrate you no end,
upset you to interfering with your sleep, anger you to the extent of wanting to
burn the place down, exhaust you to such a degree that the mere thought of
burning the place down makes you anxious about the extra work you have to do….it
is Paediatrics. I did not see my home clearly. I used to leave early in the
morning and come back late night only to go to sleep and start with the same
routine all over again. We did not get any holidays (No Government Holidays and
no Sunday Holidays either). I was pitted against the most annoying girl on
earth (no, probably universe)….not just annoying, manipulative, irritating,
fussy, un-accomodating and a COMPLETE BITCH, if there ever was one. Out of the
four weeks that I was posted in Paediatrics she was with me in three. It
started with small fights, and by the end of the month, there was a war. One
more day and I swear I’d have slapped her in front of the entire ward. That would have been exhilarating. I don’t
mind working long hours and learning something. We did not even do anything
amazing. In the ICUs all we ever did was monitoring, until I got myself the job
of taking skin and rectal swabs for new patients and making the Bubble C-Pap
for the Respiratory patients. I did learn Tracheal suction. I think that was a
major landmark, because after we interns started doing it, all patients on the
ventilator walked out healthy. Since there was no Junior Resident posted with
us, and the Senior Residents thought it below their dignity to do something
like a tracheal suction, we lost a few patients to ETT blockage. That thought hurt,
you know. It was our fault, after all. So, the next a patient was put on the
ventilator, we all took the responsibility of ensuring that a block wasn’t the
cause of death. The pride I felt when I saw that girl walk home (breathing on
her own) was the highest feeling I got in that one month.
We did not do lab, all we did was, take it from the
residents and send it to the concerned laboratory. That was a bad feeling. I
mean, you are interns. Lab collection is what you DO. In Paediatrics, they
stripped us off the one job that we usually do with a little pride. Add to all
this, the stress of the Project, Poster and 25 MCQs that we have to make during
that one month. I was intent on making a paper out of my project, so I had to
do it properly. I don’t know how I managed it all. I haven’t been so lost to
the world and its happenings as I was during that one month.
Orthopaediacs, in comparison, is a fairytale. They have
allowed us rotations so ultimately, each of us needs to go and work only twice
a week. Emergency days are terrifying. It is heavy and there is no question of
eating or even sitting down on that day. I finished my second ED yesterday and
I was dead. Completely dead. But, I get time at home….time to make my research
papers, time to send them to journals, time to do all the other work I have
pending (like writing this blog J
) and time to just sit and still tell myself, you shall have time to study
later on.
All is currently good. But, of course, I can’t wait to
finish Orthopaedics. I like studying it, but I don’t like being a part of the
team. I don’t particularly enjoy the whole scene, never have.
What I really want to write about today, is something that I
heard yesterday. So friend of mine messaged me yesterday saying that he may be
the topper in Paediatrics in our college. The list may be out this week (or
there may be a function this week) and since he isn’t here, I may have to go
and check. Have I mentioned before that my Paediatrics marks hurt? I missed out
on distinction by one mark (and that left me with no distinctions this year,
which hurt in places that I knew it would hurt). Wost part is, I know exactly
where I lost that one mark that could have given me something close to pride
about my performance this year. Yesterday, he told me that he may be the topper
and also that he had crossed that distinction mark (75%). I had been cherishing
this tiny hope that I may be the topper of Paediatrics (because the people
above my rank have all scored less than me). I was hoping that I may get at
least one prize this year (since all the others are totally out of my reach).
But, that doesn’t seem to be so now. This friend of mine has scored way lesser
than I have. It never crossed my mind that he could get more marks than me in
any subject. When I read his message yesterday, I had half a mind to not reply
and half a mind to send a really rude message. Ultimately, I gave myself some
time to cool down and sent a congratulatory message. Which has left me
pondering over my morals-
I always give importance to the marks scored. I want those
awards, all that adulation, not because it swells my pride up to the point of
bursting, but because it makes me think a little better about my own capability.
In the long run, nobody will give as much importance to number of distinctions
I got in so many number of subjects, or the list of prizes I won for my
academic excellence in college (not even at the University level), or that fact
that I stood 1st/2nd/4th in class. What will
be more important is the research I’ve done, the papers I’ve published, the
places I’ve been to, the skill I have, the knowledge I manage to use
practically (all that an examination doesn’t test at all!). And yet, I go
hankering after all these marks, all the ranks, all the awards I don’t get….I,
even if it is for a moment, spoil all the positive relations I have with people
I call ‘friends’ and wish they go rot in hell. I hate being like this. This is
insecurity. Insecurity that shouldn’t even be present because time and again, I’m
facing examples of people who haven’t had the kind of academic achievements I’ve
been lucky to get, but are doing amazing things, getting awesome placements in
the best Universities in the world.
I wish I could change myself, I really wish I could. It is a
good thing to desire to achieve the best there can be. But, it comes with this
sort of a mentality as an auxillary, then it isn’t worth thinking of reaching
that place.
Yes, its all out now…feeling better J I have a two day off now. I
hope I study J
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