The Day Before

I can't believe I'm being like this. Although, I actually believe it. yes, that blasted day is just round the corner and all I can think of and wish for is Jan 12th to return back.....ahhh...those wonderful first few days after exams got over....so relaxed, so carefree, so alive and so real....I can't bring them back, but I keep wishing for it.

I have no expectations this year, that I have to stay true to. The Rank 2 from last year managed to get that demon off my chest. Of course, I won't be terrified the moment I know the result is out (like last year. I freaked myself out. I swear I have a dual personality disorder. One is as cool as a cucumber, the other as Type A a personality as can be.). I know I probably did all I could for those exams. I was just glad to see them through and know, just know that I had managed to do enough to see the back of them. It isn't the same as last year. It is different. Yet, the fear of the result does not go away. Thanks to my awesome 2nd year result, I now have expectations that are so sky high, I simply know I haven't done that much hard work to do justice to them. I want to do so well. I want that No. 1 and that hurts.....it is no use asking for that No. 1 when you haven't put in the same amount of effort. When I haven't done enough, why should I want it? 

That is the question that plants the fear of tomorrow in my head. The passionate desire and the practical common sense clash, and that irrational desire always gets the upper hand. Whoever said that practicality is always victorious. I know exactly how I'll be feeling minutes before I open that page:

"Please please please God, let me pass (with really awesome marks, I'm not going to lie to you).

No God, just let me pass, I don't care about those 'awesome' marks (but I do!!).

NO God, let me pass....and let me get what I truly deserve (maybe a teeny weeny bit more?)

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know there are many others who have done much more than me, so you know, just give me what I deserve and get it over with. Nobody is going to ask me about this 10 years down the line (oh but they will, because more marks, stronger CV, better chances. Logic, girl.)

Damn your 'logic'. You know better than myself what I've managed to do and not do. I know you'll be just, because you have many people to care about, and frankly, all of them are asking you for the same thing as I am. So, thank you for some wonderful results in the past 2 years. Hope it is the same this year, at least enough for this year."

Yes, that will be the conversation in my head....between that Desire and that Practicality. Ultimately, the Practicality will get strong enough to drown that Desire's voice, but my Desire isn't one to back down so easy....it'll continue screaming...at a really low volume yes, but it shall continue. I hate myself for being like this (for being human actually....who doesn't aspire things out of their reach, eh?)...I'm not one of those self-centred people who think they are so important for the world to survive, so I do feel wrong when I pray the way my Desire just prayed. But, it is a trait I haven't been able to get rid of. All thanks to identifying my true potential after the disasterous first year. This does not just include the exam performance. It includes all those small post-end examinations that managed to make me believe I was good at Medicine.

Any way, I've enrolled for a Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support (BLS & ACLS), conducted under the aegis of Symbiosis Institute of Health Sciences in association with the American Heart Association. It starts tomorrow. I shall try and concentrate on the course and not answer any calls/messages or communication of any kind that says, "Results are out." Lets hope this has the same effect as taking a journey to a destination unknown.....to try calm my nerves down a little. I do have a strange feeling that that isn't going to happen....and that this course is not going to be as great as I'd initially thought it was going to be. I'm not much of a hands-on person...and that is exactly what this course requires. But, it is essential in my endeavour to be eligible for Universities abroad, so need to do it. Sigh.

Help me, Dear God....calm me down, let tomorrow be a happy day, and let this year come to a decent end :-)

The Oscars

I want to watch the Oscars. Right now, as they happen Live. And I have the time to do it too. As my luck would have it, I'm stuck without the one TV channel that is broadcasting them live. My luck sucks to the extent that when I called up customer care to get that channel, they tell me that since I have some add-on packs running, I can't buy one particular channel. Instead, I'll have to buy a whole pack of channels.
Sometimes, I hate these companies SO much. I'll be paying more money for that one channel than for those 5 combined. So frankly, they will gain something by allowing me to have my one channel. But, it works better with the rule they have - if you want one channel, get rid of all your add-on packs, and then take each channel separately. The games these people play. Hmmm.
Moving back to the Oscars- I love watching them. They come at an awesome time, thanks to the time zone of the venue. Nothing is more enterprising than getting up early, finishing everything there is to do and then sitting in front of the television screen to enjoy a real show of talent. That's actually another reason why I love them. Movies which are truly good actually make it to the nominations (unlike our Hindi film industry counterparts, who depend a lot on the star power, production house power, song and dance power and marketing tactics, instead of giving more emphasis to performances). And I've always hated the whole idea of dance performances all throughout the evening during all our Indian award functions. Firstly, most of the stars who perform, don't look like they've practised a lot. The troupe behind them is what carries the show through, as these guys depend only upon their mere presence. I watched the Idea Filmfare Awards, and the only performance I liked was that of Hrithik Roshan. Out of the whole damn evening.
My favourite movie this year has been Life of Pi. What visuals!! The book was always captivating. But what the movie has done to the book, is magic. It has managed to ask questions of the viewer in every frame, in every dialogue, in every movement. The director said that this movie does things to you, not during, but after it is over and you're lying down on your bed, waiting for sleep to come. That's when you wonder....that's when you wish to answer....that's when the many messages that are hidden all through are unearthed....slow...steady....Did any body notice that the Island of the carnivores that Pi discovers was in the shape of Gautam Buddha lying down? It shows for just a split second. But, there you go....tiny moments like that. They touch you at places you didn't know your mind, heart, soul had.
I saw in the news that they won the Oscar for Cinematography and Visual Effects. Totally deserving. No competition. There was magic, there was wonder, there was a strange beauty in that whole journey.....a beauty that did not cease to be cherished even when it went wild, even when it was frightening.
The Alchemist did this to me when I read the book. There was this unearthly beauty, this out-of-the-world feeling of hope, positivity and love of everything there is to be. Life of Pi, the movie did it to me again. It was an intelligent decision not to read the book before watching the movie, I guess. When I read the book after, I managed to get the most I could, out of both.
Oh you stupid Cable Company. I was so interested in watching the Oscars this year. For a change, all the movies on the list genuinely interested me. Sigh... 

In a Soup

Today, my attempt is Mushroom Soup- something that I dearly love. I have a cookbook at home. I tried the recipe from that.

Ingredients:

200mg Mushrooms, chopped as you want them to look

½ lt of milk

4 cups of water

¼ cup of wheat flour (kanik)

Salt

Pepper

Butter

Garlic paste 1tsp

Method:

Clean and boil the mushrooms to get rid of all the dirt. Don’t boil them too much though. Boil just enough to get a softer feel to the mushrooms.

Cut them and sauté them in 1-2 tsp of butter.

Take half of the sauted mushrooms in a container. Add ¼ lt milk, the wheat flour and the garlic if you want. Blend till you get a thick paste. I couldn’t find my almonds to add here, but they taste great. So a few almonds or 1tbs of almond powder will add to the richness of the paste.

Now add the rest of the milk and water to that paste and start boiling.

Add the rest of the mushrooms, salt, pepper and garlic (if not added before). A little more butter will improve the taste.

Boil for 15-20 minutes.

Serve hot in a bowl with pepper garnish. Finely cut coriander or cream can also be used J

MUSHROOM SOUP - Garnished with Black Pepper

Grilled Veggies

GRILLED VEGGIES

The result of my first attempt at cooking in 2013 can be seen above. I had to do a lot of trial and error when it came to grilling, since I was using the microwave oven for it. Ultimately, after 7 minutes of using the microwave + convection option and another 2 minutes of microwave + grill option, I got something close to what I wanted.
The taste was outstanding. I have to thank Youtube for providing me with an easy marination recipe.

You can check it out in the video link above. The changes I would suggest are:
1. You can use Sabji Masala instead of the tandoori masala mentioned in the video.
2. I also used cauliflower and carrots.
3. Frying the veggies in a pan of 3 tsp oil or butter will improve the taste.
Next time I'll try boiling the veggies before marinating. That should help improve the final appearance of the grilled veggies.

Mom and Dad really liked the whole idea. I'd used a lot of vegetables and we didn't grill all of them. We had the rest in the form of a salad. That tasted great too :-)

Yay! Attempt No. 1- Exceeding Expectations :-)

Crazy Worry

February has begun, and now that dreaded countdown begins. As I sit and think now, I realize that it is worse to wait for the result than to wait for the examination that gives rise to that result. As much as I live for exams, with the passage of time, I have only become weaker and weaker in handling the stress of that result. Is that a part of growing up? Or is it my B12 defc acting up? Or is this simply me finally shedding my cool-as-a-cucumber image and going the Type A personality way? No idea.

When I look back over the past 4 years and my reactions to my result, they have been interesting in a way. First year, I had no clue. Absolutely no clue. I was out choosing tiles for our new home (yeah, imagine all my colour-coordination and artistic thoughts being sqashed by “YOUR RESULTS HAVE ARRIVED”). It was a shock, but since I wasn’t going anywhere near a computer for the next 2 hours at least, I was able to be myself when I finally laid my hands on the computer. Phew. That was my scariest result, because there was a danger I was going to fail Anatomy. I did not. Yay!!

Second year, I was at home, down with an upset stomach, watching my favourite event- ICC Cricket World Cup, 2011. It was my favourite match – Aus Vs Nz. It was a nice day, Aus was doing so well, they’d gotten NZ out for an under 200 score (I think around 161). When I watch cricket, I’m usually far away from my cellphone, which was precisely the case at that time too. Messages went unnoticed,  phone calls too. I still don’t know what made me go and check my cellphone to have my friends calling and telling me my big news- that I’d topped. I’m not going into the details of that day. I was unprepared and that helped me keep my cool a little.

Third Minor year was when I lost it. I did. It was the pressure of that second year result, and I lost it. Today, looking back, I don’t know what else I could have done to get more marks, but I wasn’t happy about my result and that day does not stand as one of my happy days. When I started studying after that, I thought that the pressure to top was off me, now that I’d relinquished that throne. In fact, during my I-don’t-care-a-damn moments, I don’t have that pressure at all. But, ever since February started, those nice moments have been few.

I end up thinking about all the things that went wrong in all those practicals, all the ways I could have managed to cram up my timetable more than I managed, all the luck I could have had in the world if I’d just tried harder (Have I mentioned that I believe in the philosophy “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”? I think I have mentioned it before in one of my posts). It hurts. This feeling of inadequacy hurts. I know I could not possibly have done any more than I managed. I know that my efforts are good enough to get me my MBBS degree. I also happen to know that my parents are going to me incredibly proud of me for finishing this course in a sane manner.

And I also know a few things about myself:

1.       I’ve become greedy. You’ve shown me that coveted Rank 1 once. Now I keep wanting it again. Even when I know, I don’t deserve it.

2.       I may say that marks don’t matter, but damn you, they DO. A lot.

3.       I don’t really care about other people’s marks, but then I do care about them any way. Especially a few ‘special’ people.

4.       I just know that my marksheet is never going to live up to my expectations. The only reason for that anomaly is that my expectations are tall mountains the height of Everest, and the effort I put it, just about scales the local hill in my city.

5.       Even 10 years down the line, I’ll always look back on these undergraduate years and decide which year was best according to the marks I scored in that examination. So, first year is the worst, 2^nd the best and the two parts of final year still have to decide their places. I won’t look at all the things I managed to do, all the fun I had, all the friends I made, all the gossip I shared, all the quarrels I had. No, it’ll be those marks and that marks-covered glass through which I will view these 4.5 years.

I’m shit nervous right now. And this nervousness will only increase. The tentative date currently is 28^th Feb. Lucky me, I have my Basic Life Support training course on that day. It is going to last for 8 whole hours. So, I shall not be very close to my cell phone. In fact, I think I’ll change a few settings on my phone, so that I can only answer my family phone calls and messages. The rest of the world will be blocked, until I am ready to show my face to that world. You know, they say you’re whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. My whole undergraduate course flashes before my eyes, when I look at those marksheets; also, some decent memories from before my BJ years. All my achievements flash before my eyes. And that is good enough to make me look at that marksheet and be depressed for the rest of the day.

Dear God, give me strength. 

The Want-To and the Don't-Want-To

One of the worst things about holidays is that, although you know what all you want to do, you are too bored to push yourself into action. Ultimately, you end up wasting days one after the other and you enjoy that!

My list of things to do after exams get over included:

1

 Yeah, that’s a long list. I did not have a timetable as such, but I could imagine myself making something that looked like a timetable and following it. To follow a timetable, you need to make one. These holidays have been one big non-timetable event. I can’t bring myself to start following my own directions. I’ve spent the last 4.5 years following timetables – when to get up, when to brush my teeth, when to have a bath, have breakfast, read the newspaper….the number of hours I should study, the duration of my study breaks and what I should do in those breaks. I’ve done everything according to time. I designated each hour of the day for something specific and did follow that. So now, I’m so TIRED of doing it all over again and making myself feel like a prisoner of my own organization.

I just want to let go and waste time. I want to tell myself that its ok to do that, and I really deserve it too. So I might have some wonderful things that I have to do, but I’m doing them at my own leisure pace. It’s like there’s two of me (one with the organization & discipline that has been predominant for all the time I remember of College; and one that can be as lazy as the other can be disciplined, which is not even allowing that first self to make itself heard, let alone have an impact :-p )

So out of that whole list of things to do, I’ve managed some. Not to the extent of being maniacally good and sufficient at them, but better than a bad job. I’ve managed to get an idea about my future. Now all I need to do, is study to make it happen (oh Lord! It is back to studying soon….sigh). I have rearranged my study table a bit, and my room too. I can’t make up my mind about textbooks from the previous year which I’d kept my special library upstairs. I decided that can only be done when I make my study timetable. That is definitely not happening in the next 2 days at least.

I have also started pouring on cookbooks. We’ve had our super-microwave for about 3 years now and I’d never bothered to read the stickers on top of it door. They say : Ceramic Grill, Quartz Grill, Convection Cooking. Bloody hell, the microwave in my house was capable of grilled food, barbequed veggies, baked stuffed food, cakes and I never knew it!! Today, I’m going to try out the barbeque. Nothing very extravagant…just veggies and mushrooms. My mom and I were food- shopping day before yesterday, and I picked out my first packet of mushrooms. The thing about Mushrooms is- I LOVE THEM. The story behind this love began 8 years back, in 2004. We were on our tour of the South-East Asia. The airlines provided us with boiled mushrooms as a part of our vegetarian meal. At that time, although I knew what mushrooms were, I hadn’t eaten them before by themselves. Definitely not boiled mushrooms only. I was pretty much the only person in my family (of 4) who managed to eat them all ( like all the mushrooms designated to 3 of us), and I asked each of those nice little button-mushrooms just one question : “Where have you been all my life?!” That’s it. The start of a perfect story. Today, I’m still so so so crazy about mushrooms. Whenever we go out for dinner, my eyes always travel to the mushroom part of the menu. All the pastas I order always have one core ingredient – mushroom. All the appetizers I order have mushroom in some form or the other. One of my favourite places to eat out, is BarbequeNation. They have a wonderful live barbeque with mushrooms. I am chiefly responsible for the lack of mushrooms on the skewers :-p

As much as I love mushrooms, Mom has never cooked them at home. She says she’s worried about the quality of mushrooms and the way you prepare them. So, usually, when I’m in the mood for mushrooms, I usually get some takeaways. What that takes away from me, is that feeling of actually preparing them myself. I haven’t had the time, before right now, to make my own experiments with mushrooms. Day before yesterday, I decided – This is it. My Dad has been pestering me to get a start on the barbeque, and I can start off with barbequed Mushrooms. Once that is successful, I can move onto bigger things. Yes, today is that grand day. I shall have mushrooms made by myself. I am SO excited J

I am reminded of the movie Julie and Julia. I feel like Julie now. I’m mainly trying out recipes from cookbooks. I’m thinking of starting off with one by Tarla Dalal. Maybe the next few posts of my blog can be a part of the Jili & Tarla series :-p I hope in the next year or so, I can provide proof of my love of cooking. Currently, I’m pretty much stuck to providing Hakka Noodles and Veg Manchurian to any body who comes home for a meal. If I love cooking, I should be capable of doing more than that :-p

Ok, moving onto the other points on my list- I have checked out a few libraries around here. I really liked one. I think I shall go and get myself registered today. I need to get a move on my reading list. I miss those days, when I was so up-to-date with the latest books. Yes, I will start today. Yes I will!! I have also started off with my yoga and exercising. I’m experiencing that muscle ache I’m accustomed to, for the first few days of stretching. I took a break today. It is Sunday, and I can’t even walk straight :-p My aim to get myself into a shape that I can admire in the mirror. I don’t want to lose weight (hell, a few more kgs lost, and I shall definitely shift into the malnourished category), all I want to do is, shift the fat in my body to all the right places. I know that is more difficult than simply losing weight, but hey, you won’t know until you actually try it out.

As far as meeting up with friends goes, yeah, I think I’m really behind on that. But, after days of planning and cancelling, an old school friend of mine and I did end up meeting yesterday. That has given me immense hope, that I will meet each of my friends sooner or later :-p

Spanish is a language that has always enchanted me. But, guess it is these holidays. I have the numbers of classes close to my place, I’m just too lethargic to call. This one is going to take time. Where language comes into play, I also have to restart writing my diary. I know that once I sit to write it, I won’t stop till I finish. But inertia is inertia. Maybe a few days of exercise with give my mind the strength to get out that inertia.

And my grandparents. Yes, I have made quite a headway there. I go to meet them every Tuesday. It obviously isn’t the same as actually staying with them, but I try. I love the feel I get there. Ahh….yay, just two more days to Tuesday, and I’ll be back there J

That’s my holidays. At the end of these, I want to get rid of my dark circles, sleep A LOT, eat all my favourite food and waste time. Since about half my time is already over, I need to get things done and fast. Come on!!

APAO-AIOS 2013

Hyderabad started off as one big boring journey to end as one big boring journey too. But, in between those two boring ends was a conference that was the exact opposite of boring.

I have never been a person for train journeys. Call it my vice or whatever, I’m used to travelling by air, and love the feel of not having to take care of everything during my travel. Yes, I am lazy, so air is a perfect option for me. That being said, I was really excited about this train journey my mom and I decided to undertake to reach Hyderabad. Looking back, the only reason we did so was because one of my mom’s colleagues literally sold us the train option (all the advantages, disadvantages, etc.). I think the last time I’d travelled by train was a good 8 years back, with a wildlife group (again, I did not have to take care of much during that journey. See, I simply LOVE that sort of a feeling.). So, now 8 years down the line (and having grown up into an adult), I looked upon it as something exciting and new that I was to do. As the day arrived, all I wanted to do was wrap myself in my warm blanket and curl up in my bed. I did NOT want to enter that train. But, enter I did, with my minimal luggage and a heavy heart, as I waved my Dad a goodbye. I did feel a little excited, but that ended when I realized that I was going to have to spend the next 12 hours on the top berth, with no window next to me, and in that train. Have I mentioned before that I am a little claustrophobic?

All that said and done, it wasn’t that bad. I slept through most of the journey, but once I got up at 5:30 am in the morning, I had no idea what I was supposed to do, lying in that top berth with everyone below me, fast asleep. I don’t remember the next details with absolute clarity, so I might have drifted off into the uncomfortable morning sleep again. The next part of my adventure only added to my misery. I realised I didn’t have a roaming plan on my phone, that train got slower and slower with every station it stopped at, and once we got down, the crazy rickshaw drivers started quoting exorbitant fares to get to our hotel.

When we reached our hotel, my morale reached an even lower ebb, just looking at the place. I thought there’d be something more to it than a simple building that looked like a residential one, rather than a hotel. There was nothing to do! No place to even roam about in there. My last experience in a hotel had been in Evershine Keys, Mahabaleshwar- a place where I enjoyed food, sleep, sports and all the luxuries of a 5* resort. Oh man, this trip was turning into one big trip to boredom. Mom said I could accompany her to the conference venue. There they always have something for the family members of delegates, to do. Yeah mom, I was going to sit there all by myself, watching kids perform for their family members. How boring.

I think she realised that. So, we went and enquired about the spot registration for “Accompanying Persons”. However, since I am now a doctor, I got myself registered as a delegate!! And from there, this conference just got better and better J Now that I was an official delegate, I could attend all the sessions I wanted, learn whatever I was interested in and enjoy the great food too. And that is exactly what I did. The food wasn’t the best ever, but good enough (especially the Mexican, Continental and the Pastas. But, then, I am a big fan of non-Indian food any way. Maybe I was really born in the wrong country :-p ).

So what did I learn? I learnt that I am genuinely interested in Genetics of the Eye. I particularly enjoyed the sessions that dealt with experiments trying to find the exact genes responsible for Glaucoma and Keratoconus, and well as some genes found involved in various Ocular Surface Disease. There was a session by APAO (Asia-Pacific Academy of Ophthalmology) on Ocular Genetics that I found very interesting. I know I would enjoy doing something like that for the rest of my life. I attended about 3 sessions on Genetics and found each more interesting than the one before J

The other end that I clearly enjoyed was the area that dealt with the Microbiology of Corneal infections. I am so so so in love with Microbiology, even three years down the line, I feel this weirdly nice feeling in the pit of my stomach, the moment people start discussing microbes. The session I attended dealt with the uncommon pathogens (Nocardia, Microsporidius, Acanthamoeba) which geometrically enhanced that feeling. Ooh, it was a treat to listen to it all. I also attended a session on Ocular AIDS…it did not particularly live up to my expectations of it. Maybe, I expected  more lively speakers…I don’t know. It was good, but not the best.

I think that session that really made a difference, was the one on Publishing Papers. Now that I have data under my belt and I need to start writing papers to get it noticed, I thought this session would make a whole lot of difference and it actually did. I ended up feeling that I need to analyse my own expectations from this project and all, but it has made me feel a lot better about my fear of rejection of my papers. I have to work very hard on making my paper readable and interesting enough, but I have a few nice tips to refer to, when I start doing that. I think I enjoyed this session the most J

Another important aspect of my trip to Hyderabad was a visit to LV Prasad Eye Institute. I came back feeling a little scared of the whole setup. I was, however, reminded of my dear school when I was in there….the whole snooty, we’re-the-best attitude and the segregation. Oh man, I loved that atmosphere, and maybe I do need it again. Because, if I do Ophthalmology in India, a fellowship in LVEI will be my obvious next step. So, yeah, I was a little overwhelmed by the whole system there, but since I was reminded of my school-life that I am so in love with, I would be excited about my stint there.

On Saturday, we visited Snow World. It is an artificial snow-area, which tries to give you the feel of all those snow-clad areas in Winter. I’m saying tries, because it isn’t the same for obvious reasons. But, in a hot place in Hyderabad, that is the best thing you can get. It was fun, we got a nice picture and I had my first experience with snow (the artificial tag can go to hell J ). I was too bored and tired to attend the Gala Dinner, and later we were told that we didn’t miss much. So, yay! I got to sleep well.

Our last day was full of adventure. I, first, met up with my two close friends from school who now work in Hyderabad. That was a major highlight of my trip. There is nothing better than getting together with the people who’ve been such an immense part of your life for the most critical years of your life. 2 hours wasn’t enough to catch up on each other’s lives but we did try our best. Love you guys!! I am going to take your invitation to come to Hyderabad again and crash at one of your places, seriously. Be ready guys J

Now comes the boring part of our trip. We had a train to catch at 2:45 pm. We had to get to the station at least half an hour before because we didn’t know our seat numbers. I booked a cab to the railway station. We got into it and started off, only to have the driver asking us, “Kya aapko station ke rasta pata hain? (Do you know the way to the railway station?)” WTH. We spent the next one and half hours moving around the city, going the wrong way several times, till he finally got us to the Secunderabad Railway Station only 10 minutes before the scheduled time of departure. We went to the enquiry booth, only to hear that our train did not leave from this station, but from another station which was almost an hour away. A double WTH. They said we could try to catch the train from Begumpet (which incidentally was the station closest to the conference venue. Hmph.).

There started a race against time. Mom went on the manic drive trying to get to the station as fast as possible. We got a taxi cab with a driver who knew his way around. On reaching the station, it was a scene to watch. Mom was running around everywhere trying to ask for details of our train. People at the enquiry windows were trying help her in that broken southern-style English of theirs. Ultimately, a Good Samaritan guy told her to calm down, as he helped us with the touch-screen that showed us our seat and coach numbers. Although they told us that the train was a good 10 minutes late, mom dashed up the staircases and down, trying to get to platform number 2 as fast as she could. I was so sure something was going to happen to her. But, thankfully the race was uneventful as we made it to the designated platform, well in time. Our train came after a good 15 minutes. Gave us all the time in the world to catch our breath and relax a little. Also, it gave us time to conclude that we are just NOT used to travelling by railway, and next time, however far that airport is from the venue, we are traveling by air and nothing else.

My first ever full-fledged conference- the APAO-AIOS 2013 ended on a good note. And, I was delighted to see so many satisfied and happy Ophthalmologists who all told me just one thing : Take Ophthalmology. There isn’t another branch like this, in the world….     

My most important post ever

So, I've finally done it. I managed to get past the nightmare of my practicals, a true test of my knowledge, according to the people who really know.
It was different, this experience. For one, I realised what it os like to get really tense before an exam; so tense that I think I spoilt my own chances of answering well in there. This was before Surgery. The problem with that subject is, I love it so much, I get nervous knowing I may not do well enough, and obviously, when such thoughts haunt your mind, you don't end up doing all that well. A vicious cycle. I hate it. But, I haven't able to solve the mystery behind my love and fear for this subject. Looking back,  I know that my nervousness and fear that I didn't know anything only held me back, on what could have been a good viva. What more can you ask for? The residents conducting the exam are helping you; they stop just short of giving your viva for you (just partly, because they stand behind the examiner and mouth the answers they know). The examiners are really in no mood to fail you, unless you decide to do that yourself. And you pretty much know the cases, instruments, xrays, specimens beforehand. Despite all this, when I wasn't happy with my own answers, I knew I had only myself to blame. I did enough to pass, yes, but, this is a subject I love, and passing here was just NOT enough.
It has been that sort of a relationship with Surgery. The Love-Fear quotient is like a 50-50, and that really really sucks. But, I did learn a lesson, and decided I wouldn't panic so much for my next practical.
Medicine- that was that next practical. Now, the thing about Medicine is, I think I know, I know I know, but when it comes to using my head, I always go off on a tangent. And, I can't examine patients the right way, to save my own life! There's always something incomplete in my method. If that isn't the case, the fact that I'm not applying enough strength, always gets me few marks less. So, yeah, there are a few areas to be worried about, in medicine. But, by God's grace, I ended up getting Alcoholic Liver Disease cases as short and long cases. Oh man, by the end of the practical, my pleximeter had turned into a mass of aching skin and bones (thanks to all that percussing- this despite cutting my nail so short, it hurt there too). In fact, at the end, I couldn't understand whether it was the patient's percussion tenderness or my own finger groaning and saying it had had enough.
Medicine was ok. I say ok, because, if you end up getting the same topic on all your three cases, you should ideally ace your exam. Problem was, my first case was a disaster. The examiner was an internal one, and she is considered to be a little scary. I wasn't given a warning that the exam had started or anything. She just came up and asked, "Are you 49089?" "Yes, Ma'am" "Start your case. And keep that paper away." WHAT?! No bloody warning!! And how the hell was I supposed to remember the details. This woman has her own set of rules, so you have to remind yourself of each and every one of them, before you speak. Like, do not say "Cynosis" in a p/a case, because it doesn't have any significance. Caught by her out of nowhere, I went into panic mode, and next thing I know, I'm rattling off Cyanosis to her with loads of 'ahhhh' interrupting words and sentences. I couldn't wait to finish with that viva, and I guess she couldn't either. Bad start. Had I been in her position, I wouldn't have given myself anything more than a 50%. Maybe she did. Will only know in February. The other internal examiner was my Project guide. I was worried, because I hadn't gotten back to him regarding the project. But, both his vivas were good. He took my long case and although it started off well, they (internal and external examiners) were a little disappointed that I missed out on Spider Naevi in my patient. What is worse is that, I hadn't missed it, had checked loads of times, and had concluded that it WASN'T Spider Naevi. Talk about difference of opinion. But, the table viva made up for it, I hope. There was nothing that I didn't know about whatever they asked me. We parted with a smile (a wide one, by the way) and I kept praying, they'd consider my awesome table viva and give a me a few more marks for that long case. The xray and charts were taken by my scary internal, and obviously, I was still scared of her. It was ok upto the point of recognising the problem. Thereafter, it enough to say, I don't think I use my head much when it comes to differential diagnosis.
Paediatrics was easily the best practical. My table and short case Viva was good. It was full of questions that were first-timers (like, disadvantages of breast milk, reason why you use Ca gluconate in hyperkalemia and some others that I don't remember), and I answered to the best of my ability, which was quite a lot. My long case was Cerebral Palsy. How I hated my luck that morning. After praying and praying and praying some more (that I don't get Cerebral Palsy), I got that case. Lucky for me, I was the last person to get done with my viva, and he only asked me read my case and asked 2 questions after that. So although it felt incomplete and weird, at least it wasn't a disaster, thanks to the case.
Obs-Gynae was a story itself. The HoD was the internal examiner, and he got really angry when he found people with their books near the cases. He found my book in my friend's bag, and that got me included among the people he was going to punish. Punishment meant that our vivas were going to be held last. So throughout the day, I just had one thought in my head, "Will I pass?" It'll be so humiliating to have the topper of 2nd year and 3rd year to fail in final year because of something like this. But, he did take our vivas. He didn't ask any question though. The external examiner sitting with him was asking everything. And, overall, it turned out to be decent enough. I obviously wish the incident hadn't happened, but I guess it was all for the best. When our HoD was asking questions, he was asking tough ones,  making students feel like crap. But, when he was sitting quietly, things were better :-)
So, I'm done. For the first 2 days, it didn't seem real. I kept thinking I have to go back to studying in a few days. But, now, I'm getting used to the fact that I don't have to study for a month at least. Not that I'll be sitting idle. I have to decide my future, I have to catch up with old friends, I have to get my garden in order, I have to start preparing my brother for his exams....in all a lot.
Currently, I'm stationed at my grandmom's house, trying really hard to make up for all the time I didn't have to spend with my gradnparents in the past 4.5 years. I'll be leaving for Hyderabad tomorrow. Its the AIOS-2013 conference and I'll probably attend a day or two. My chief purpose is split between taking a tour of the LVP institute there, meeting up with friends, and enjoying the awesomeness of the Ophthalmology conference :-)
Bon voyage!!
   

Hunting for Clinical Examination

So, over the past few weeks I've been hunting for videos of Clinical Examination of various systems and joints and all, to help me gain some confidence with my own skills. Found a great blog called http://imedrxtv.blogspot.in...it has the MacCleod's Examination videos and also the Dr. Ghanshyam Vaidya clinics. Any one who needs either of them, can definitely have a look.
Today, I watch a youtube video of the Knee Examination. Thought I'd put it in here. its a big help to all those people like who have had to manage Ortho all by themselves, and need some help with the practical part.

From the Heart

There are a few singers who manage to touch your soul with their voices. Here's to you Adele, for touching my soul too....

My most favourite Adele song yet: Rolling in the Deep