When You Learn

I learnt a thing or two about myself over this weekend. I don’t know whether to think it is just my thought process or whether it is human nature in general. I will be keeping it in mind now on.

About a month back, I bought a new smart phone. An HTC 8X. The thing about me and phones is, I am never too sure of which one to buy. I never narrow down on any one. My way of buying phones is – go to the shop, go through the collection, compare the prices, see which one suits my personality. 3 days later buy one. I don’t know whether this way is wrong or right. It is my way. I also end up using my phone till the very end. I manage to find every reason to keep on using the tattered-looking model as long as I can.

This year, after my results, I could have asked for a new phone straightaway. Exactly what all my friends did. I thought, my current model is good, let’s continue with it. Until, those days came, when the model started going to pieces. I started with an online screening of phones. And there it was, that HTC 8X. Standing tall in that California Blue matt finish colour, the Windows Phone tiles emitting an eerie glow, that big screen telling me to come get it…..It had everything I wanted and more. The only issue was its price.

I have never stubbornly asked for anything. I am always practical and adjusting (at least where phones are concerned :-p). This time however, I had to fight tooth and nail to get what I wanted. I wasn’t sure I was getting it, until the very last moment, when that guy finally opened the box. I still remember that moment. I fell in love. Again. With my HTC 8X. With my Blue HTC 8X.

Over the past month, I have been so careful about this phone. I wash my hands before touching it, I clean it every weekend, that screen may have gorilla glass, but I still put a scratch guard. There is a fixed place in my bedroom for it (away from dust, dirt and any danger of falling down). I can spend hours just looking at it as it gets charged. Yes, I can be passionately in love and possessive about something. That’s the first thing I learnt.

This weekend, as a part of our Annual Family Trip, we visited Della Resort in Lonavla. Wonderful place by the way….there’s an Adventure Park there and I did all that there was – Ziplining, Rock Climbing, Rapelling, High Ropes, Zorbing, Reverse Bungee Jumping, Archery and the Arcade games. Lots of fun in lots of rain…getting wet in the rain is an out-of-the-world feeling!! Everything went well, until Lunch time when my phone stopped working. It refused to start. And it kept vibrating every 40 secs. Charging did not help, it worsened the condition. And there went my awesome happy mood down the drain. All I wanted to do was get back to Pune and repair that phone. I couldn’t stop worrying about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My phone was sick and I was helpless. The feeling of helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. I had thought of not taking this phone to Lonavla. I regretted not taking that thought seriously. I just wanted my phone switched on. I didn’t care about the data, I didn’t care about the formatting. I just wanted it show signs of life. Signs of being around for some time more. I couldn’t sleep for two whole nights. In fact, as the end of our trip came closer, my tension, apprehension and jitteriness increased. I don’t know how I managed to sleep through that Sunday night. I had to get to the Service Centre on Monday. Whatever happened.

They called yesterday and said that phone had been repaired. There had been water there, so my warranty period is over now. All my data is lost. But, you know what, I don’t care. I don’t care about the contacts, I don’t care about the videos, the images, the songs, those notes I keep on my phone. All I care about is seeing my phone in a working condition again.

What did I learn? You love your phone, right? Don’t test it and its tolerance capacity. I might call myself moderation personified, but when it comes to the things I desperately love, I am an Extreme. In every way. I also learnt that I can desperately love something. I can be desperately worried about something. I can be desperate about something. That scares me and makes me feel good about myself too. When you feel too much about something, you are more liable to get hurt, more liable to harbor grudges, more liable to senseless action. That is scary. But, when you feel too much about something, you are motivated to work at it, more dedicated towards it, you don’t lose yourself when things go bad. That is a part of the recipe for success.

I am more of the Moderate and the Extreme. But, I have the tendency to become an Extreme. Do I need to work to change this? Only time will tell….  

When Doctors Act Like Patients

One would think that the years of study we put in to become Doctors would make us better prepared to face any health situation that confronts us. Since the pathophysiology, the symptomology, the complications, the investigations done and the treatment needed have been encrypted into our minds, we would in fact be the most resilient and calm patients or patients' relatives. Yeah, that is just a myth. We are humans. And we have every right to create a scene and fear the worst, when our own health is concerned.

As an occupational hazard in our profession, we are capable of being exposed to anything and everything. It is our  responsibility to protect ourselves against the worst of  scenarios. The most common is, of course, the needle pricks. It has been 4 months of Internship now, and I've managed to get two already. Both experiences contributed to my post today. I feel more confident about handling such situations now, but in the spur of the moment, I acted like any non-medic person would. That is scary. That spur of the moment action or inaction.
We are taught to maintain basic precautions - gloves, covered shoes, masks, glasses, lab coats, etc. We are also told that there are certain norms to be followed to protect ourselves. One is, never recap a used needle. NEVER. More than half of the needle-pricks occur when we try to use our own heads and recap needles. Two, always push the used needle into the plastic cover on the bed. That keeps everybody out of danger. Three, wear gloves. Yeah, that's what I wrote first, but that is just so important!
I want to record my second experience here, because I learnt more from this one. I was posted in Skin (I don't know what it is, there isn't much love lost between me and the subject) and had to put an iv cath for a patient. I'd previously taken a sample of his for HIV testing, so I was wearing double gloves, a mask and doing everything I was supposed to do. While taking the cath to throw it, I felt it pierce my gloves. On removal of the gloves, I looked for any kind of injury on the skin of my palm. There was none - no blood, no inflammation, nothing. I washed my hand, there wasn't any burning either. I thought I'd caught the needle just in time.
That was a mistake - Never think there is no prick. Go to the Medicine guy responsible, immediately.
I didn't think about it too much until next morning, I saw an  inflamed spot. At 4 am in the morning. And then everything got twisted. I started  panicking. I wanted to cry and scream....I wanted to call up my resident and ask her about the patient's HIV status. Having seen the patient, I kept thinking, there was a possibility that he could be positive. And I hadn't taken that PEP dose immediately. My sleep disturbed, my mind shaken, I  spent my morning trying to decide what to do. Ultimately, it was decided, that I should go and do that patient's Tri-Dot test any way, instead of waiting for his report. Before doing that, I took the first PEP dose. That moment, when I was waiting for the lines to form on the strip, was most frightening. I could imagine more than one lines on that strip. I had prepared myself for the worst, because I was so sure that was going to be the case. When only the control line came up, the surge of relief that went through me, filled me with a new life, really. Next day, the patient's report also came as negative. Phew. Close call.
This whole episode made me think. I've learnt about HIV and HbsAg since I was in second year. I've learnt that the chances of contracting diseases like this are pretty slim, that once you take all the necessary measures, you don't need to think much. I've learnt all about the pathophysiology, the spectrum, everything there is to learn, at UG level. This is enough  to know that what I was faced with, did not put me in danger at all, especially after that Kit test. Yet, I panicked. Yet, I feared the worst. Yet, I traumatised myself and my parents and my two bestest friends. I told myself, it couldn't happen to me and yet, it was happening. What was the use of all that knowledge then? It didn't matter that I was a doctor. I could easily have been an engineer or an archeologist or a parent. My reaction was a purely human reaction - a scared person, faced with the possibility of a different life. It is like facing a tiger in the middle of a forest - in those initial seconds, it doesn't matter whether you've been researching tigers all your life or whether you're thrown in front of him by mistake. This fear, this panic....it's a part of the innate response of our body. Innate - present since birth. However trained and educated we get, this response always gets the better of us when faced with danger or death.
And at such times, doctors end up acting like patients....

Monday Blues

The title of this post is actually wrong. It hasn't been just Monday blues. It has been All-Week blues that earned a boost-up today. I was truly happy and at peace yesterday- the one Sunday when I did not have to look at the sight of that Dermatology building. Hmm...it's been a sad week.
The elective posting is supposed to be the only one in which you have a say. I had a say in it. I was so sure I wanted to take Psychiatry as my elective posting that there never seemed any two ways about it. I don't what went through my mind in those 5 minutes before I went and selected my Internship batch that made me call up a senior of mine and ask, "What should I take? Skin or Psychiatry?" And I don't know what induced her to change from her previous answer of Psychiatry to Skin. She did change her answer though. I changed my mind though. And now I regret every bit of this 15 day torture.
Maybe it is that building. The building houses Paediatrics also and we all know how much I 'enjoyed' that posting. Or maybe it is the lack of space - 2 crowded OPDs where the 6 residents barely manage to fit it (talk of fitting in, there is also an examination table, computers and stools for patients), 2 wards on the 2nd floor of the building where again they've managed to fit in 7-8 beds each for male and female patients. Or maybe it is the lighting- there's hardly any....it is so difficult to look for veins to put intracaths into in improper light. Or maybe it just the residents- they look so bored and not-so-happy with what they are doing, there isn't enough enthusiasm for us left.
I remember how my ENT posting went. When the nice guy gave us work, he gave it with a smile and positive look. We did it in the same way. When the frustrated girl gave us work, she wasn't delighted with the results. In Ophthalmology, the residents and we had a mutually happy relationship. They helped us, we helped them and ultimately patients went home happy. In here, I am just plain bored. They are bored too. I guess, in their defence, if you had to work in the place that they work in day in and day out, you'd get bored too. Still.
All the work that I do is take labs, put caths and take pus culture & sensitivity samples literally everyday. If not taking those samples, I go trace them. TRACE. I hate that word. It means having to walk all the way across the campus from one end to the other and back. On days when I have to pass by the cute resident in the Orthopaedics OPD, it seems more tolerable. But that's just two days out of the whole week. Oh yes, the whole week . That reminds me of the start of this unhappiness. We are 4 interns posted in Skin right now. There are 2 units so 2 interns in each unit. We decided we'd put a rotation for all 4 of us so that we'd have to come only 3 days each. The one person who came would complete the work for both units. The residents did not agree, so we've barely managed to put a rotation in the unit itself. My Unit is 'fantastic' though. They need both of us there. One to take the labs, the other to trace them. One to stay in the wards, the other to go hunting for a xerox shop to split their books/ xerox books/ bring some forms from the co-operative store. God, such a pain.
So, for the past week, I've been going and sitting in college. I and my co-intern alternate between the work and sitting in the library, in case they ask to see our faces. Yes, i'm finally studying and all, but this is so frustrating. I was so glad on saturday when my work was done and I could run home to a Sunday. That Sunday came and went and today, it was back to being glum, angry and in a foul mood.
July 6th, when shall thou come??

In other news, Brazil beat Spain 3-0 in the Confederation Cup 2013. An ardent Spanish Armada fan, I don't know what hurts more- that they lost, that Brazil scored 3 goals or that Spain did not even have a goal on the match sheet. Hmph.