My most important post ever

So, I've finally done it. I managed to get past the nightmare of my practicals, a true test of my knowledge, according to the people who really know.
It was different, this experience. For one, I realised what it os like to get really tense before an exam; so tense that I think I spoilt my own chances of answering well in there. This was before Surgery. The problem with that subject is, I love it so much, I get nervous knowing I may not do well enough, and obviously, when such thoughts haunt your mind, you don't end up doing all that well. A vicious cycle. I hate it. But, I haven't able to solve the mystery behind my love and fear for this subject. Looking back,  I know that my nervousness and fear that I didn't know anything only held me back, on what could have been a good viva. What more can you ask for? The residents conducting the exam are helping you; they stop just short of giving your viva for you (just partly, because they stand behind the examiner and mouth the answers they know). The examiners are really in no mood to fail you, unless you decide to do that yourself. And you pretty much know the cases, instruments, xrays, specimens beforehand. Despite all this, when I wasn't happy with my own answers, I knew I had only myself to blame. I did enough to pass, yes, but, this is a subject I love, and passing here was just NOT enough.
It has been that sort of a relationship with Surgery. The Love-Fear quotient is like a 50-50, and that really really sucks. But, I did learn a lesson, and decided I wouldn't panic so much for my next practical.
Medicine- that was that next practical. Now, the thing about Medicine is, I think I know, I know I know, but when it comes to using my head, I always go off on a tangent. And, I can't examine patients the right way, to save my own life! There's always something incomplete in my method. If that isn't the case, the fact that I'm not applying enough strength, always gets me few marks less. So, yeah, there are a few areas to be worried about, in medicine. But, by God's grace, I ended up getting Alcoholic Liver Disease cases as short and long cases. Oh man, by the end of the practical, my pleximeter had turned into a mass of aching skin and bones (thanks to all that percussing- this despite cutting my nail so short, it hurt there too). In fact, at the end, I couldn't understand whether it was the patient's percussion tenderness or my own finger groaning and saying it had had enough.
Medicine was ok. I say ok, because, if you end up getting the same topic on all your three cases, you should ideally ace your exam. Problem was, my first case was a disaster. The examiner was an internal one, and she is considered to be a little scary. I wasn't given a warning that the exam had started or anything. She just came up and asked, "Are you 49089?" "Yes, Ma'am" "Start your case. And keep that paper away." WHAT?! No bloody warning!! And how the hell was I supposed to remember the details. This woman has her own set of rules, so you have to remind yourself of each and every one of them, before you speak. Like, do not say "Cynosis" in a p/a case, because it doesn't have any significance. Caught by her out of nowhere, I went into panic mode, and next thing I know, I'm rattling off Cyanosis to her with loads of 'ahhhh' interrupting words and sentences. I couldn't wait to finish with that viva, and I guess she couldn't either. Bad start. Had I been in her position, I wouldn't have given myself anything more than a 50%. Maybe she did. Will only know in February. The other internal examiner was my Project guide. I was worried, because I hadn't gotten back to him regarding the project. But, both his vivas were good. He took my long case and although it started off well, they (internal and external examiners) were a little disappointed that I missed out on Spider Naevi in my patient. What is worse is that, I hadn't missed it, had checked loads of times, and had concluded that it WASN'T Spider Naevi. Talk about difference of opinion. But, the table viva made up for it, I hope. There was nothing that I didn't know about whatever they asked me. We parted with a smile (a wide one, by the way) and I kept praying, they'd consider my awesome table viva and give a me a few more marks for that long case. The xray and charts were taken by my scary internal, and obviously, I was still scared of her. It was ok upto the point of recognising the problem. Thereafter, it enough to say, I don't think I use my head much when it comes to differential diagnosis.
Paediatrics was easily the best practical. My table and short case Viva was good. It was full of questions that were first-timers (like, disadvantages of breast milk, reason why you use Ca gluconate in hyperkalemia and some others that I don't remember), and I answered to the best of my ability, which was quite a lot. My long case was Cerebral Palsy. How I hated my luck that morning. After praying and praying and praying some more (that I don't get Cerebral Palsy), I got that case. Lucky for me, I was the last person to get done with my viva, and he only asked me read my case and asked 2 questions after that. So although it felt incomplete and weird, at least it wasn't a disaster, thanks to the case.
Obs-Gynae was a story itself. The HoD was the internal examiner, and he got really angry when he found people with their books near the cases. He found my book in my friend's bag, and that got me included among the people he was going to punish. Punishment meant that our vivas were going to be held last. So throughout the day, I just had one thought in my head, "Will I pass?" It'll be so humiliating to have the topper of 2nd year and 3rd year to fail in final year because of something like this. But, he did take our vivas. He didn't ask any question though. The external examiner sitting with him was asking everything. And, overall, it turned out to be decent enough. I obviously wish the incident hadn't happened, but I guess it was all for the best. When our HoD was asking questions, he was asking tough ones,  making students feel like crap. But, when he was sitting quietly, things were better :-)
So, I'm done. For the first 2 days, it didn't seem real. I kept thinking I have to go back to studying in a few days. But, now, I'm getting used to the fact that I don't have to study for a month at least. Not that I'll be sitting idle. I have to decide my future, I have to catch up with old friends, I have to get my garden in order, I have to start preparing my brother for his exams....in all a lot.
Currently, I'm stationed at my grandmom's house, trying really hard to make up for all the time I didn't have to spend with my gradnparents in the past 4.5 years. I'll be leaving for Hyderabad tomorrow. Its the AIOS-2013 conference and I'll probably attend a day or two. My chief purpose is split between taking a tour of the LVP institute there, meeting up with friends, and enjoying the awesomeness of the Ophthalmology conference :-)
Bon voyage!!
   

Theory Examination Over

Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve realized the following:

1.       I hate exams. I thought I lived for them, but I don’t.

2.       If Final year is supposed to be hard, it doesn’t even compare to the stress you go through during the exam. Looking back, I don’t know how I made it through in one piece.

3.       Papers always turn out differently this year. They are all expected questions, yes, but you don’t feel like you’ve written expected answers (or this might just be me talking).

4.       The age old superstition : the lesser you’ve done something, higher the chance of it actually ending up in the paper. It sucks through your brain. Oh, it SO does! And probably, that’s why you end up staying awake the whole night.

5.       Everybody but you, seems to be less concerned about the examination. It’s almost as if, you’re in one boat and everybody else in the other. It actually isn’t like that, but that’s how the world looks to you.

6.       The MUHS does NOT care about us students. They prepare papers full of spelling mistakes, repeat short notes in the same question (which is: Answer any three out of five. So that effectively reduces us to answering 3 out of 4. Or taking that bold step of writing the same answer twice hoping you’ll get 3 marks two times over.

7.       Surgery still freaks me out. I did it almost twice. Almost, because, there were a few chapters I did not do twice. Yet the day before both my papers, I was freaking out. And I was almost wishing I hadn’t taken up this course of Medicine.

8.       I always fall sick before my exams. Thing is, the week before my immune system decides to take a holiday, and I suffer. Surprisingly, this time, I got better like 2 days before the exam began, to reach my designated centre and end up with the flu AGAIN. Seriously, there was a time during the paper I had to allot to clearing my blocked sinuses!!

9.       I am exhausted. I don’t want any more testing, I don’t want any more theory answers to be written. I’m so tired of taking all this stress, it’s reduced my weight to more than is normal during a preparation leave.

10.   And, did I mention, I’m still hating Final year? Oh yeah, I’m still hating it, and I simply can’t wait enough for 13 Jan to come.

So how were these exams? The same exams I was so worried about, the exams on which nothing depended, my parents had absolutely no expectations from, I had no expectations from, the exams for which I literally turned the entire household’s lives upside down….yeah they were ok….all of my papers were more or less the same…I didn’t find any paper extremely easy, but no paper was pathetic either….I liked my Obstetrics paper best, because I drew a lot of diagrams, and they didn’t ask the questions I’d dreaded. I think I like my Paediatrics paper least, but that’s just because I couldn’t give the finishing touches I’m so used to giving all my papers. And it sucks to end your undergraduate examination on that note.

It’s what I’ve been through in these past 2 weeks, that’s so important. I suck at managing stress. Oh man, I really suck. My mind plays all sorts of games with me, and it’s so freaky. My usual method of calming myself down went to the dogs this year. When I told myself, “Shut up, stupid little girl, you’ve prepared well!!”, another louder voice used to come up behind me slowly and say, “Oh yes, little girl, you’ve prepared well. Tell me, do you know that you can’t remember the treatment charts? Or diagrams? Oh and by the way, you’ve not even touched contraception yet….and what about Skin….and you have even done your usual dose of MCQs this year.” It’s so hard to get rid of that voice once it starts.

This past month has been dreadful. I don’t think I’ve ever suffered so much in any preparation leave. It has been a combination of low confidence, sucky memory and a vast portion that refuses to even come close to the finishing line. The result : a complete wreck of a person, worried parents, indecision about the future and an ardent desire to just let go. They say Medicine is tough, so this is just the beginning. I’m really worried about my brain and its tolerance capacity. So, yes, there are some tough decisions to make in the coming month- regarding my future, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and the best way to keep my brain stable. I almost resorted to some anti-depressants and I don’t want to go down that road ever again. That’s why this decision will be so important to me.

Right now, I’m already worried sick about my practicals. The worry doesn’t make it any easier to start studying again, but it does affect the general day. I wish I had some confidence in myself. I really do. I hate this low self-esteem I have about my case-taking and practical skills. Of course, I have good enough reasons to feel this way, but I also have good reasons NOT to feel this way. Our timetable isn’t out yet. All we know is that, practicals in our college will be held from 1^st to 12^th of Jan, 2013. Nothing more. I want to know the exact details as fast as possible…that way, once I have a deadline to get to, it’ll make it easier to manage my study timetable.

God bless me and my case-taking skills. One ordeal over, another to start very soon. Oh I hate Final Year!  

The Prelims Over :-)

Looking at the few results that have come out, its not been the happiest of times, but its not like I expected to rock my exams.

These 3 weeks have been nerve-wracking. First, it was back to back papers. That pretty much left you with no time to really brood over the previous paper or the next one. My acid-test was the Surgery paper. My relationship with Surgery hasn’t been smooth. I like the subject. I love it. Its amazing how that is possible. Surgery is Anatomy clinicalised, if there is such a word. I used to HATE Anatomy. I couldn’t visualize anything in there. But, here I am, 3 years down the line, liking the subject that is the advanced course of the subject I hated.

Any way, so as much as I love the subject, I’m not very confident about it. So, when it comes to an exam or a practical I get so paranoid. The day before my Surgery paper, I was at my wits’ end. It is all thanks to my dad who somehow got me through that paper, with all his discussions the day before. Before my Surgery 2 paper, we did the same, but it wasn’t as successful. My paper wasn’t the dream that I wished I’d had. It was a cross-over between a normal dream and reality.

The rest of the subjects have been ok. I know my Obstetrics paper wasn’t as great as my Gynaec paper and the difference in the marks showed it. I know that my Med 1 paper was 100 times better than my Med 2 paper. Yes, those marks showed that too. My practicals were pretty fine. The Gynae pracs were especially better than expected. I got decent marks too. My internal assessment marks for my pracs are more than those for theory, so that does say something. The med practical was supposed to  be fine, but my marks didn’t show it. I was pretty disappointed with that.

At the start of this prelim exam, I just prayed that I get through it somehow, any how. I did. THAT is an achievement. For a month back, I was totally unprepared. Totally, completely, fully. I didn’t know how things were going to fall in place. They did. Not perfectly, but they did. To me, that is all that matters. A friend of mine says I’m overly competitive. I don’t believe that is true. I know the kind of answers I write or give in Vivas. After having taken exams for the past 20 years, I can say I’m an expert at it. There was a time when my papers were held up in front of the class to demonstrate how a paper should be written. Even now, in medicine, there is always something that I like to incorporate in my answers to make them better than the person before me. After all, the checking of papers is relative, isn’t it? All students study the same amount. All students write the same amount. They write the same things too (biology of the body won’t change with each paper, will it?). The difference between a 67/80 and a 40/80 is the method of presentation. It is your answer that shows your ability to succeed. And, I know I have to keep doing that to score more.

Do these scores matter anywhere? Not really. But, they do stand to give me a shot of confidence. So, I know that next time I write a Gynaecology paper, I shall be sure of myself when I’m writing it. The Obstetrics paper, on the other hand, will require some more effort on my part. When I know that I’m managed to score among the top brass of my batch, I know that I’m up there knowledge-wise.

These upcoming preparation leave days are going to make all the difference. I know that. It is going to be one tough month of studying. But, having gone through my prelims, I know I need to work extra-hard to stop myself from losing it before or during the paper. Our practical dates have also been declared and they are a month away from the theory exams. So, the upcoming 3 months are going to be the make or break of my Medicine journey. In this last leg, I can’t give up or be loose. I’m going to make each and every day, each and every second count.

Say Hello To Final Year :-)

And that is exactly what my Brain's reaction was, when it encountered the already extensive To-Do list. Today isn't even the official first day into Final year. That is supposed to be 23rd (a week from now). I know, I know...it is the postings that are more important in Final Year; we'd rather attend those more sincerely than the lectures; so today is the 'Official First Day'....but until the lectures begin, I don't get the feel of  'College' in the real sense of the word. And they begin on 23rd.
Any way, I'd rather talk about my To-Do list. Firstly, giving in to my guilt and my stubborn mind, I have decided to take the risk of doing a Research Project this year. It is a BIG risk. Simply because, a research project takes a lot of the time that you can spend studying. This year, the studying doesn't even end. So, doing a project is like knowing I have Osteoporosis but still, picking up heavy loads and giving those poor bones a chance to break :-p
This is my last chance really. I know I did a good thing by letting go of the Project in 2nd year and concentrating on my Finals. But, deep inside I know I was scared of how it would turn out and not very satisfied with my own interest in the subject. I can't let all that get in the way of developing my research potentials. This year, I'm going to give myself another chance. I am well-prepared. I have a topic, a guide and a rough idea of what all I'm supposed to do. The last date for the Applications is 25th January, so completing my thesis tops my To-Do list absolutely.
Secondly, there's a conference at Lokmanya Tilak Medical College, Sion, Mumbai on 16th-17th February this year. I want my group to present a Symposium on Islet Cell Transplantation. We had first done this at AFMC, Pune in August last year. We all loved the experience, but couldn't get into the final. This time, I want us do things more professionally and get into the finals. We are looking for a few replacements from the previous team. The last date for Registration is 24th January. Since we have to send the forms by post, we need to have the forms, the abstract and the money order ready by Thursday (my deadline). It is full steam ahead for this one..I really want us to do well.
Over to the next point, I want to do an elective in the US after my Final Year examinations. For that, now would be a good time to take the TOEFL. Studying for it is going to be a major part of my agenda for some time now. I have looked through the dates available and March seems good to me. That way, I can finish up with the Symposium and even a part of my project, and then turn over to this. I would have to start applying to the Universities in May-June. So taking the TOEFL in March and getting the results in two weeks time should suit me fine.
Researching through Universities for the Residency programs is going to form a big part of my life this year. Am I, as yet, sure of what I want to do? No. I know that one of my top choices would be Ophthalmology and it would be followed by Paediatrics. That is a tough scenario. As tough as it is, to get Ophthalm, it is much easier to get a residency in Paediatrics in the US. However, I don't want to end up deciding on Paeds only to realise I have done anything about the USMLE. So, I guess, maybe one a week or something, I'll be driving in this direction.
I and a friend of mine had decided last year itself that we would participating in the Indian Association of Paediatrics Quiz this year. We went and talked to the Lecturer in-charge today. She was excited that we have come so early :-) And since we want to do really well in this, we are going to start from now itself. Theory for the exams and extra stuff for the quiz. It should help me any way, as I learnt from my experience as a part of the Ophthalmology Quiz team last year. So this is yet another item on my To-Do list.
Last but not the least - the regular studying. It is Final year...tough from the word go. I have my Obstetrics-Gynaecology Posting now. To underline the importance of this year, our Unit Lecturer immediately made me go take a case (Pregnancy with Anemia), and we had a full discussion about the whole topic. On day 1. Not to mention the number of times she called us "Final year students"!! There's a wave of seriousness around. It is uncomfortable...because even the laid-back students are showing it..and that is so freaky! So obviously, I need to be in the moment throughout. There is no room for lagging behind....because once you remain back there, it gets too much to push back to the front.
Lets begin this year then. I know I'm going to have fun. I feel it. And I shall finally understand the meaning of 'Serious Fun' :-) Happy Studying!!!

College Grind

College has begun in some sort of full flow now. We finished with our 15-day Ophthalmology posting and I realized that I really enjoy it!! Now that’s a first. I was really interested in attending all the 15 days, which, by my standards, means I simply loved it all.

Now we have ENT. This should get over on 16^th Feb. Every day I have to push myself to go there because I find it uninteresting. Maybe my opinion will change as we attend lectures, but I am not assuming that is really going to happen.

There’s a difference in the teaching in IIIrd year and that of IInd year. You could point out the better and the interesting teachers in IInd year; you know, the teachers who took an effort to make the topic worth reading , worth attending a lecture for. In IIIrd year, lectures themselves are interesting. So the teacher doesn’t matter. If he or she turns out to be good at the task, it is an added bonus. Till now, we haven’t had downright boring lectures. Guess that’s the advantage of a clinical side teaching. They add practical knowledge to the theoretical, and that makes it quite an awesome combination.  Preventive medicine however, begs to differ. Some topics are really interesting. However, the practice of the Department to make presentations by copy-pasting straight lines from Park (the textbook for PSM), makes the subject duller than a Monday morning after a long weekend! I wish they could change their method of teaching. Even students will start taking active interest, thereby, cutting the vicious cycle of bored and frustrated teachers making students more bored and frustrated.

Our Co-operative Store Book Exhibition is being held over this weekend. I was so excited yesterday to go there and buy books. I took my dad along for the cash and for an extra brain at work as well as a helping hand. We came back, loaded with books. The experience was so different. You walked around through the many sections, looking at the many textbooks on the subject, choosing whatever you want to, having fun…J My friend looked at the many Gynaecology and Obstretics books there, read some and made an instant decision that she would become a Gynaecologist. She already loves the subject, and going to the Exhibition made her resolve even stronger! That’s the strength of putting thousands of books together!

So, as compared to last year, college this year is both, boring and interesting. We have more time on our hands (obviously meant to be utilized in studying, but the mood is yet to come :-P). that gets boring at times. We have tutorials in the afternoon instead of Practicals like last year. Yesterday, we had a Medicine tutorial and I enjoyed it. Overall, I am glad I came into third year, and I know it’s only going to get better. We’re still waiting for our IInd yr examination results though. The tentative date is 28^th Feb. Usually, results get out before the stipulated date. There’s a rumour going around amongst our seniors about their results coming out anytime now. So ours would be declared around the same time. I am excited about them, but am not getting my hopes too high up. You never know how badly you might end up getting hurt in the process!!  

Labour, in every facet of the meaning

It started with the Seminar on Thyrotoxicosis last week, on Feb 8th. It was a wonderful experience. Standing in front of a huge audience and speaking as calmly as I did, I have to say to myself, "Kudos!!". I ended with the sentence, "Even though the thyroid gland is not essential for survival, absence of the hormones can cause physical and mental slowing and affect the quality if life." That raised up a controversy amongst the teachers sitting in the front. But, there were some who agreed with what I said, and frankly, I don't think what I said was wrong. The Thyroid doesn't decide the life and death of a person. Nor do the hormones. They make a person capable of living what is termed as a normal human life. My friends said I spoke a lot better than I had, during the rehersals. Personally, I'm glad I was able to stand up for myself at the podium, and say what i thought was right when the controversy came up. Plus, I got a certificate, which for me, is more important. You could say that I am selfish enough to participate in this kind of activity only for the certificates!!

Moving onto my next goal, after two days of running around and being tense that I might not be able to finish off with all the signatures in time, I have finally sent my Research Proposal to the Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR). The results will be out in April. I don't care whether they choose my project or not, I'll be doing it any way. But, there is always a sense of achievement in having your project selected by such a prestigious body. Also, they choose just 500 such projects from all over the country. So, I guess, its easy to get what I'm trying to say. I just have my Ethics Committee proposal to be handed over tomorrow, and then wholly, and truly, I will be done with it all, till April.

After this, it is our Intercollegiate Competition Vedant to think about. I have to come up with my entire schedule to hold the Debate and Essay competitions. I don't know what the verdict on this time's Vedant will be after the bomb blast yesterday. But, lets remain hopeful.

Now, labour. In the field of Medicine. Overcoming my pre-construed aversion to the process of Miracle of Birth, I watched 3 normal deliveries and a Caesarien Section (CS), yesterday, during my first ever Emergency Duty (ED) of my term in Gynaecology and Obstretics. The Caesarian was a textbook operation. We've already had our clinic on the step-by-step manual of performing a CS. Yesterday, we had a practical version. The deliveries were a little gross, but the babies when taken out looked really, really cute. As luck would have it, we didn' see any girls being born. It was all male babies. Hmm, maybe next time!!

So its been eventful, this week. And I really hope, next week is a little less taxing. Ciao!!