Reflection

I’m not a social person. I have very strict ideas about the kind of parties I like and the kind I don’t. I have my own circle of close friends whom I regularly meet. We talk a LOT and catch up on each other’s lives. There is no drinking involved, no needless gossip, no dressing up…just some good old friends having a good time, laughing and sharing their desires and thoughts.

I met a couple of my school friends day before yesterday for dinner. They are both doing Engineering. One of them has a dual degree with Economics, and the other has a dual degree with Biology. So, practically speaking, each of us is in our own world professionally. They say, don’t they, the grass is always greener on the other side. However, having conversations with them, has made me wonder whether it is really worth it to do what I am doing.

Frankly speaking, the only reason I decided that Medicine was my field was because I sucked at Physics and Mathematics decided to abandon me during the year I needed it the most. By mid-12^th grade, my prophecy from 10^th grade (I want to do Chemical Engineering from IIT Powai) had all but eaten dust. My strength was Chemistry and Biology. I decided to do the practical thing, choose the lesser of the two evils. Instead of forcing myself to succeed in two subjects I sucked at (Physics and Maths), I forced myself to manage just Physics and enjoy Chemistry and Biology. I ended up making the right decision, since I got into BJMC in my first attempt itself, in the first round itself. I could not have asked for more.

Today, however, I wonder whether I have done what I had thought I would do as a medical student or not? I wonder whether it really is worth it to put in as much of effort and pressure as we do. Medicine is a tough choice for a profession. You need to have the push and the desire to give. You need to feel that insane urge to serve people. You need to feel that you just have to make your patients ok. I agree that in the past 3.5 years, I have formed an idea of what I will be doing in the future. I do want to give back to people. I want to make this world a better place. I just wonder why it is so difficult to want to do such things.

Final year is supposed to be crazy. It is crazy. It hasn’t treated me very well either. I am not particularly enjoying it. But, even then, I’m not a sulky sort of person. I love myself and life too much to really sulk about it. The fact that I am sulking about this year, means there is something wrong. Maybe I am taking that project too much to heart. But, even then, the rest of the year isn’t all that great.

I am wondering today whether I really want to get out into the world and treat patients. Do I really want to put myself through all the torture that being a doctor brings with itself? This year will get over. Then there shall be the internship, the PG entrance, the residency, the super-specialisation, the start of my private practice. I’m already tired thinking about it. On the other hand, my friends are excited about their internships and have nothing to really worry about. Work from Monday-Friday…weekends off…a good pay…their life is pretty much set.

I’m just a little disillusioned, I guess, by the working of my college and our lives as medical students. I know I am being extreme in my reaction…but life could be so much better for us, even with all the studying. Lectures, teachers, patients…it all sounds so interesting from an onlooker’s point of view. I wish it were really the case…

Any way, I think I’ll get over this feeling soon…it was pretty refreshing to get out of college life and meet up with my friends. It is such a blessing when your friends are from different fields. You can just lock out all your frustrations and sorrows and have a great time with them. You talk about different things, reminisce about old times…you end up bringing back some spice into your life…and that is all I really need J

Examinations - The Chapter

I've tried my level best to try and describe Exam Time in a Medical College....And failed....MISERABLY. Mostly because I didn't have the time to write all that I felt. So I thought, I'd try right now....only a little differently. Through chunks out of my Diary which would describe what I went through them.

* Dates to remember:

26th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 1

27th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 2

29th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 1

30th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 2

1st June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 1

2nd June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 2

30th June, 2009 - Anatomy Practical

2nd July, 2009 - Physiology Practical

5th July, 2009 - Biochemistry Practical

Excerpts from my Diary:

8/5/2009:

" Well, things aren't going all that well. I just CAN'T seem to FINISH!! I was supposed to end a 1st revision on Sunday. And its just not happening! I'm gonna push to Tuesday and hope I can still manage 3 revisions. But, you know me, Jili. So it all looks a little bleak."

11/5/2009:

" Managed a fair bit of Central Nervous System ( Physiology) and I'm actually on top of the world!! Its funny, how small things just make me smile like anything!!! Things are a little tough, but I'm, well not enjoying, but keeping the humour intact. After all, ur spirits need to be up in the high sky to make it through all this, right?"

19/5/2009:

" Alright, I'm a little worked up here. I knew I'd said I'm not going to take tension, but, wen you are way behind a schedule you've had to change twice to make sure you manage stuff once at least, you are in murky waters there. And, can you believe it, its Physiology that's getting me worked up. Not 'coz, I haven't done it once. Its because, I haven't done it twice!! Anatomy, I have 5 days. I can move the heaven of Anat on earth if I have to. But Physio's getting unnerving here. Ok, girl, cool down. Deep breaths. Remember that weirdly dark sky that you have neen seeing at 2:30 and 3:00 in the morning for the last few days. And smile. They're all there to sail you through. You are gonna pass. I promise."

Well, I really did have it coming to me. Especially since I couldn't move the heaven of Anat on earth in those last five days. But, I guess that happens to everyone. The papers were much better than I thought they might be. And considering that I was pretty much on the verge of puking and fainting just before my Anat papers, I'm glad, I came out with a smile saying " Its over!!" At that time, I knew I'd done well, because I wrote everything that I could remember. Looking back, I'm not so sure. But, its Medicine and this stuff does happen. Physiology and Biochemistry were good too, although the last paper ( Bchem II) was definitely the worst of the five. Point is, you can't expect to have six smashing papers. In fact, we'd been warned that either paper I or paper II is tough. So, since the paper Is went well, there was always the fear that the paper IIs would be disasterous. So, I'm happy that my worst paper was the last, and I didn't even have the energy to ponder much on it.

Excerpt from my entry on 3/6/2009:

" Exam's reduced all the weight I put on. It has worn me down; mentally, physically, inevery way possible. All those 2-3 o'clock nights the week preceeding and all the 40hour sleeps in the past week.... But, its over!! And for the pracs, its not going to be like this. So, I'm dead pleased."

Practicals was a whole different ball game, as I managed to realise, a triffle late if I may be permitted to say. It included our journals ( to be learnt cover to cover) and the ENTIRE portion for the grand viva. So, I got worried sick about Anatomy again. And it was pretty bad too. We had revision practicals and they were definitely better than I thought they might go. But, its me, and I always seem to believe that I am the worst BJ can get, at Anat. Its not true, but its something that has stuck on, despite having decent practicals. So, I'm just relieved that its all over, and praying hard that I don't have to do it again. Physiology and Biochemistry practicals were good too. Biochemistry actually qualified for " Good", in the real sense of the word. They were not exciting, nothing out of the ordinary. Just simple, quiet practicals. It is another matter that we were all absolutely impatient to get over with it all and say " Finally, its OVER!"

So, I'm going to say: The last four months have been the toughest and I definitely do NOT want a re-run of them in the years to come. I've learnt my lesson and its time I start studying from day one....Not as seriously as " I've got exams tomorrow" , but serious enough to prevent blotchy entries in my diary saying " I've got exams tomorrow". We're told that first year is the toughest. I've just put a bit of it behind me. And wait for my results to make sure that all of it is behind me.

Till then, I've decided to catch up on sleep, books and 'time-pass' that I've sorely missed doing in the past few months. They have really shaped my life, and I find it hard to believe that I finally have free time!! So, I'm lazying around. And doing it well. Friends, family and books.....and a new " Learn to Drive A Car".....I've got almost nothing on my plate (compared to the past months)..... and am making the most out of it.