Musings of an Insecure Mind (innate + internship-effect)

It has been almost two months since I last wrote. Internship SUCKS. And as days go by, the feeling of getting used to the whole routine doesn’t make this thought any more palatable. When I was in final year, all I wanted was to get out of it and redeem myself with that one month break between results and the end of exams. During that one month, each day, I went a step closer to the beginning of this internship. Damn, I hated that.

We’ve had Paediatrics and are currently posted in Orthopaedics. Let’s begin with Paediatrics-

If there is ever a place that can frustrate you no end, upset you to interfering with your sleep, anger you to the extent of wanting to burn the place down, exhaust you to such a degree that the mere thought of burning the place down makes you anxious about the extra work you have to do….it is Paediatrics. I did not see my home clearly. I used to leave early in the morning and come back late night only to go to sleep and start with the same routine all over again. We did not get any holidays (No Government Holidays and no Sunday Holidays either). I was pitted against the most annoying girl on earth (no, probably universe)….not just annoying, manipulative, irritating, fussy, un-accomodating and a COMPLETE BITCH, if there ever was one. Out of the four weeks that I was posted in Paediatrics she was with me in three. It started with small fights, and by the end of the month, there was a war. One more day and I swear I’d have slapped her in front of the entire ward. That would have been exhilarating. I don’t mind working long hours and learning something. We did not even do anything amazing. In the ICUs all we ever did was monitoring, until I got myself the job of taking skin and rectal swabs for new patients and making the Bubble C-Pap for the Respiratory patients. I did learn Tracheal suction. I think that was a major landmark, because after we interns started doing it, all patients on the ventilator walked out healthy. Since there was no Junior Resident posted with us, and the Senior Residents thought it below their dignity to do something like a tracheal suction, we lost a few patients to ETT blockage. That thought hurt, you know. It was our fault, after all. So, the next a patient was put on the ventilator, we all took the responsibility of ensuring that a block wasn’t the cause of death. The pride I felt when I saw that girl walk home (breathing on her own) was the highest feeling I got in that one month.

We did not do lab, all we did was, take it from the residents and send it to the concerned laboratory. That was a bad feeling. I mean, you are interns. Lab collection is what you DO. In Paediatrics, they stripped us off the one job that we usually do with a little pride. Add to all this, the stress of the Project, Poster and 25 MCQs that we have to make during that one month. I was intent on making a paper out of my project, so I had to do it properly. I don’t know how I managed it all. I haven’t been so lost to the world and its happenings as I was during that one month.

Orthopaediacs, in comparison, is a fairytale. They have allowed us rotations so ultimately, each of us needs to go and work only twice a week. Emergency days are terrifying. It is heavy and there is no question of eating or even sitting down on that day. I finished my second ED yesterday and I was dead. Completely dead. But, I get time at home….time to make my research papers, time to send them to journals, time to do all the other work I have pending (like writing this blog J ) and time to just sit and still tell myself, you shall have time to study later on.

All is currently good. But, of course, I can’t wait to finish Orthopaedics. I like studying it, but I don’t like being a part of the team. I don’t particularly enjoy the whole scene, never have.

What I really want to write about today, is something that I heard yesterday. So friend of mine messaged me yesterday saying that he may be the topper in Paediatrics in our college. The list may be out this week (or there may be a function this week) and since he isn’t here, I may have to go and check. Have I mentioned before that my Paediatrics marks hurt? I missed out on distinction by one mark (and that left me with no distinctions this year, which hurt in places that I knew it would hurt). Wost part is, I know exactly where I lost that one mark that could have given me something close to pride about my performance this year. Yesterday, he told me that he may be the topper and also that he had crossed that distinction mark (75%). I had been cherishing this tiny hope that I may be the topper of Paediatrics (because the people above my rank have all scored less than me). I was hoping that I may get at least one prize this year (since all the others are totally out of my reach). But, that doesn’t seem to be so now. This friend of mine has scored way lesser than I have. It never crossed my mind that he could get more marks than me in any subject. When I read his message yesterday, I had half a mind to not reply and half a mind to send a really rude message. Ultimately, I gave myself some time to cool down and sent a congratulatory message. Which has left me pondering over my morals-

I always give importance to the marks scored. I want those awards, all that adulation, not because it swells my pride up to the point of bursting, but because it makes me think a little better about my own capability. In the long run, nobody will give as much importance to number of distinctions I got in so many number of subjects, or the list of prizes I won for my academic excellence in college (not even at the University level), or that fact that I stood 1^st/2^nd/4^th in class. What will be more important is the research I’ve done, the papers I’ve published, the places I’ve been to, the skill I have, the knowledge I manage to use practically (all that an examination doesn’t test at all!). And yet, I go hankering after all these marks, all the ranks, all the awards I don’t get….I, even if it is for a moment, spoil all the positive relations I have with people I call ‘friends’ and wish they go rot in hell. I hate being like this. This is insecurity. Insecurity that shouldn’t even be present because time and again, I’m facing examples of people who haven’t had the kind of academic achievements I’ve been lucky to get, but are doing amazing things, getting awesome placements in the best Universities in the world.

I wish I could change myself, I really wish I could. It is a good thing to desire to achieve the best there can be. But, it comes with this sort of a mentality as an auxillary, then it isn’t worth thinking of reaching that place.

Yes, its all out now…feeling better J I have a two day off now. I hope I study J

Curtain Falls

It has finally happened!! My ICMR Project report is out, and it says -

Wait for it!

APPROVED!!!!!!!!


 I'm so relieved!! I have had so much trouble with this whole project idea this year, I can't actually believe my eyes which read that "Approved". Yes, everyone around me told me that it was a good topic, that Diabetes is a subject that no researcher can ignore, that the effort I had taken was for real and that the authorities would see that, that I deserved to get the approval.....but, my whole experience was one big roller-coaster....I never believed that I would touch solid ground, until I did for real. Yes, I have finally touched solid ground.
From the complications that arose from our Symposium Competition and the submission of the Research proposal clashing....to the missing of the date for the Ethics Committee Meeting...to the decision of almost giving up this project, irrespective of whether the ICMR allowed me to do it or not....to that provisional certificate that was given and then revoked (after I'd completed my study)....to having been called to present my topic before the Ethics Committee (something that has never happened with ICMR projects before)....to running around behind the new Head of the Ethics Committee to give me my approval letter....to having to buy the Lipid Profile Kit for my project....to having to make the numerous trips to the lab to get things moving...to having gotten my mom to college to collect the blood of my first two patients....to getting so nauseous out of worry that I did not eat for two whole days...to coming everyday to college compulsorily to get two (and any more being called 'bonus') patients of Diabetes everyday....to having trouble with the Statistics of the project....to waiting till the last minute (after my Prelims got over) to create a report out of whatever I'd managed to find....to that final horror of a day when things got unruly at home, and I still managed to send the whole report to ICMR.....yeah, it has been quite a journey.
I made mistakes along the way, I hated my life along the way too....I made life hell for all the people close to me, friends and family included. It was tough, but it was an experience...something that I shall never forget for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to conduct research, I know the pains people take to do something that can get them something more than just plain knowledge (the feeling of having done something great, found something new)....I understand why people fall in love with their papers and hate it when they get rejected from Journals they are sent to for publication. I landed at the other end of the scale...instead of falling in love, I hated it....I thought I could've come up with something grand, and I did not. Which hurt, yes it did. But, I think it is grand now. Out of the 1000s in the country who applied for this Short-Term Studentship, they selected around 200, and out of those 200, they approved my whole research. Yes, this is a good positive feeling.
Looking back, I probably don't want to miss the Ethics Committee meeting date. That is pretty much it. I wouldn't change a thing about my experience while doing this project. I met some really good patients...I was told many good things by a lot of patients....my 70 patients, who shared a part of their life with me deserve a big thank you. I learnt a lot about talking to you, being kind, appreciating the problem you have, trying to make things better for you...as I said in the assessment of my experience, I grew as a doctor, I learnt to be a doctor and a human being. I might not be very gentle during my internship, but I do know that I have a responsibility to treat every human as human, give importance to everything the patient has to say, and always be kind, no matter what. Yes, that was my biggest lesson.
It would've been such a bummer to not have got this approval...I'd have probably been chanting all sorts of negative thoughts, hating those 4 months, wanting to have followed my heart and not wasted time in my project. But, God has been there, and been there in style :-) Thank you so much Dear God. You have no idea how much this means to me!!
So overall, yes, I hated the year. I took on a lot of things apart from plain studying-
1. The Symposium on Islet Cell Transplantation
2. The ICMR Project
3. The Seminar on Hospital-Acquired Infections
4. The Paediatrics Quiz
5. The TB Quiz
6. The Medicine Quiz
7. The Asthma Quiz
8. The load of my Final Year studies
Phew. I think I've done decently well then.
Oh yes, the reason for that 'decently well'-
My Final Year results are out....I've gotten 72.33% :-)
No distinctions though...missed the one in Paediatrics by one mark :-p
I'm 4th in College. Which is sort of cool :-)...a let-down on last year (73%, Rank 2), but after looking at that list above, I think I've done better than I thought I would have.
Results were declared on 28th February. Since I was doing that BLS and ACLS course, I'd decided not to check my result. The tentative date was always 28th Feb, so that day, I was on tenterhooks all day long. You can imagine my delight when I got a text from a friend saying that they were not going to be declared on that day, but maybe the next day. I was on Cloud 9. I've been ranting about how I don't want this result, haven't I? It was an answer to all my prayers.
I was so happy about passing my BLS examination, I updated my FB status to "I can save lives now." Turns out people took that as my status response to the results having been declared. Oops. A few phone calls down the line, I had to delete my happiness over my BLS course from FB. Weird thing is, the moment I deleted it, I got another text saying, "Results declared." Now, you would obviously think there was still some confusion over my just-deleted status. Which is what I thought and replied also. Fate had decided t play a trick on my me and my jolly mood though. Results did get declared. Hmm.
I thought I'd just check out the college list to see whether I'd passed or failed. Seeing that "PASS" against my name gave me a sigh of relief. At least there was no further exam to take 6 months down the line. Again to soothe my nerves down a bit, I called up my school friend, talked for half an hour, then decided to check my marks.
There they were- 651/900. Was I happy? Umm. Was I sad? Umm. I was actually empty on emotion. I had now gotten the tag of Dr. to my name, and I was still feeling empty. That was strange. I didn't really care about anything. I knew I hadn't topped but that did not matter...I knew I hadn't come 2nd, but somehow that did not hurt or matter either. These marks just proved that I was done. Done with this jam-packed final year forever. That gave me a calm, a serenity that did not budge for a long time (now it has, because the thought of internship scares the hell out of me). It has been that way about my results this year. I don't care. As long as I pass, that is all that matters. I feel more satisfied about my Project and my Course. Maybe that sounds strange....but it sounds good to me. And it has put my mind in a state that has come to terms with these marks much faster than ever before.
Done...now I can only look upward from here. No going back. 

The Day Before

I can't believe I'm being like this. Although, I actually believe it. yes, that blasted day is just round the corner and all I can think of and wish for is Jan 12th to return back.....ahhh...those wonderful first few days after exams got over....so relaxed, so carefree, so alive and so real....I can't bring them back, but I keep wishing for it.

I have no expectations this year, that I have to stay true to. The Rank 2 from last year managed to get that demon off my chest. Of course, I won't be terrified the moment I know the result is out (like last year. I freaked myself out. I swear I have a dual personality disorder. One is as cool as a cucumber, the other as Type A a personality as can be.). I know I probably did all I could for those exams. I was just glad to see them through and know, just know that I had managed to do enough to see the back of them. It isn't the same as last year. It is different. Yet, the fear of the result does not go away. Thanks to my awesome 2nd year result, I now have expectations that are so sky high, I simply know I haven't done that much hard work to do justice to them. I want to do so well. I want that No. 1 and that hurts.....it is no use asking for that No. 1 when you haven't put in the same amount of effort. When I haven't done enough, why should I want it? 

That is the question that plants the fear of tomorrow in my head. The passionate desire and the practical common sense clash, and that irrational desire always gets the upper hand. Whoever said that practicality is always victorious. I know exactly how I'll be feeling minutes before I open that page:

"Please please please God, let me pass (with really awesome marks, I'm not going to lie to you).

No God, just let me pass, I don't care about those 'awesome' marks (but I do!!).

NO God, let me pass....and let me get what I truly deserve (maybe a teeny weeny bit more?)

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know there are many others who have done much more than me, so you know, just give me what I deserve and get it over with. Nobody is going to ask me about this 10 years down the line (oh but they will, because more marks, stronger CV, better chances. Logic, girl.)

Damn your 'logic'. You know better than myself what I've managed to do and not do. I know you'll be just, because you have many people to care about, and frankly, all of them are asking you for the same thing as I am. So, thank you for some wonderful results in the past 2 years. Hope it is the same this year, at least enough for this year."

Yes, that will be the conversation in my head....between that Desire and that Practicality. Ultimately, the Practicality will get strong enough to drown that Desire's voice, but my Desire isn't one to back down so easy....it'll continue screaming...at a really low volume yes, but it shall continue. I hate myself for being like this (for being human actually....who doesn't aspire things out of their reach, eh?)...I'm not one of those self-centred people who think they are so important for the world to survive, so I do feel wrong when I pray the way my Desire just prayed. But, it is a trait I haven't been able to get rid of. All thanks to identifying my true potential after the disasterous first year. This does not just include the exam performance. It includes all those small post-end examinations that managed to make me believe I was good at Medicine.

Any way, I've enrolled for a Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support (BLS & ACLS), conducted under the aegis of Symbiosis Institute of Health Sciences in association with the American Heart Association. It starts tomorrow. I shall try and concentrate on the course and not answer any calls/messages or communication of any kind that says, "Results are out." Lets hope this has the same effect as taking a journey to a destination unknown.....to try calm my nerves down a little. I do have a strange feeling that that isn't going to happen....and that this course is not going to be as great as I'd initially thought it was going to be. I'm not much of a hands-on person...and that is exactly what this course requires. But, it is essential in my endeavour to be eligible for Universities abroad, so need to do it. Sigh.

Help me, Dear God....calm me down, let tomorrow be a happy day, and let this year come to a decent end :-)

Crazy Worry

February has begun, and now that dreaded countdown begins. As I sit and think now, I realize that it is worse to wait for the result than to wait for the examination that gives rise to that result. As much as I live for exams, with the passage of time, I have only become weaker and weaker in handling the stress of that result. Is that a part of growing up? Or is it my B12 defc acting up? Or is this simply me finally shedding my cool-as-a-cucumber image and going the Type A personality way? No idea.

When I look back over the past 4 years and my reactions to my result, they have been interesting in a way. First year, I had no clue. Absolutely no clue. I was out choosing tiles for our new home (yeah, imagine all my colour-coordination and artistic thoughts being sqashed by “YOUR RESULTS HAVE ARRIVED”). It was a shock, but since I wasn’t going anywhere near a computer for the next 2 hours at least, I was able to be myself when I finally laid my hands on the computer. Phew. That was my scariest result, because there was a danger I was going to fail Anatomy. I did not. Yay!!

Second year, I was at home, down with an upset stomach, watching my favourite event- ICC Cricket World Cup, 2011. It was my favourite match – Aus Vs Nz. It was a nice day, Aus was doing so well, they’d gotten NZ out for an under 200 score (I think around 161). When I watch cricket, I’m usually far away from my cellphone, which was precisely the case at that time too. Messages went unnoticed,  phone calls too. I still don’t know what made me go and check my cellphone to have my friends calling and telling me my big news- that I’d topped. I’m not going into the details of that day. I was unprepared and that helped me keep my cool a little.

Third Minor year was when I lost it. I did. It was the pressure of that second year result, and I lost it. Today, looking back, I don’t know what else I could have done to get more marks, but I wasn’t happy about my result and that day does not stand as one of my happy days. When I started studying after that, I thought that the pressure to top was off me, now that I’d relinquished that throne. In fact, during my I-don’t-care-a-damn moments, I don’t have that pressure at all. But, ever since February started, those nice moments have been few.

I end up thinking about all the things that went wrong in all those practicals, all the ways I could have managed to cram up my timetable more than I managed, all the luck I could have had in the world if I’d just tried harder (Have I mentioned that I believe in the philosophy “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”? I think I have mentioned it before in one of my posts). It hurts. This feeling of inadequacy hurts. I know I could not possibly have done any more than I managed. I know that my efforts are good enough to get me my MBBS degree. I also happen to know that my parents are going to me incredibly proud of me for finishing this course in a sane manner.

And I also know a few things about myself:

1.       I’ve become greedy. You’ve shown me that coveted Rank 1 once. Now I keep wanting it again. Even when I know, I don’t deserve it.

2.       I may say that marks don’t matter, but damn you, they DO. A lot.

3.       I don’t really care about other people’s marks, but then I do care about them any way. Especially a few ‘special’ people.

4.       I just know that my marksheet is never going to live up to my expectations. The only reason for that anomaly is that my expectations are tall mountains the height of Everest, and the effort I put it, just about scales the local hill in my city.

5.       Even 10 years down the line, I’ll always look back on these undergraduate years and decide which year was best according to the marks I scored in that examination. So, first year is the worst, 2^nd the best and the two parts of final year still have to decide their places. I won’t look at all the things I managed to do, all the fun I had, all the friends I made, all the gossip I shared, all the quarrels I had. No, it’ll be those marks and that marks-covered glass through which I will view these 4.5 years.

I’m shit nervous right now. And this nervousness will only increase. The tentative date currently is 28^th Feb. Lucky me, I have my Basic Life Support training course on that day. It is going to last for 8 whole hours. So, I shall not be very close to my cell phone. In fact, I think I’ll change a few settings on my phone, so that I can only answer my family phone calls and messages. The rest of the world will be blocked, until I am ready to show my face to that world. You know, they say you’re whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. My whole undergraduate course flashes before my eyes, when I look at those marksheets; also, some decent memories from before my BJ years. All my achievements flash before my eyes. And that is good enough to make me look at that marksheet and be depressed for the rest of the day.

Dear God, give me strength. 

Immortality

There aren't a lot times I feel like throwing out my modest and humble nature. As much as I try, I just end up telling myself that it isn't worth it to behave the in the perceived 'Maryite' manner (read: arrogant, snobbish, absolutely in the air, having an attitude, considering other people as dirt and not worth talking to). There are many more things I need to add to this list to complete it, but that would be another time.
Point is, I am a product of the school and I do have all of those 'qualities' (actually, I shouldn't even put this word is inverted commas, because I truly think that in the right kind of a person, these qualities are 100% what the word wants to portray). Somehow, I never seem to bring them out the extent that I have people cursing me for it.
But, today, I want to. I want to jump in the air and tell people that I am SO BLOODY GREAT!! I want the whole world to know that I have done great things and am going to do great things. I want people to walk up to me and ask for my autograph (or the medical equivalent of such a scene :-)). I want people to turn around and look at me twice and say, "Look, that's her!" Basically, I have reached immortality and I want to flaunt it. I want the whole college to know that my name has finally appeared on the Roll of Honour Board. BECAUSE IT HAS!! And it shall remain there, a proof of my achievement for generations to come :-)

Man, I feel like Gagan Narang right now. I don't have my name up there for three consecutive years or anything. But, I have it up there for that one year. That's enough to make me treasure it for a life time. An Olympic Medal is a medal- gold, silver, bronze...ultimately that podium finish is what every sportman dreams of. Congrats to Narang, by the way. He has actually made me believe that this hyped up Indian Contingent had some real people capable of delivering when it mattered.
Seeing my name on that board has ignited a flame inside me that wants it up there another time. I am going to work very hard to make that happen. Oh, and what made that moment extra special was that, I saw it on my  parents' wedding anniversary. The news and the photo made a very special gift for them. We have had 6 people from our family graduating from BJ Medical College. I'm the 7th and the 1st to have made it to that Roll of Honour. This is a matter of pride :-)

 Let's hope I deserve another try at this honour again :-))

p.s. I topped BJ in my 2nd year University Exams. That is what this post is related to. To read about it, refer to "From the Topper's Desk", dated February 25th, 2011.

The Expected and The Unexpected

Our Third Minor results were declared on 22nd February (Wednesday). I have come 2nd this time- an aggregate of 292/400 (73%). I also managed a Distinction in Ophthalmology :-)
I was so freaked out when I heard that the results were out online. I have never been the kind of a person to get freaked out by results, you know. I actually pride myself on my control and temperament at such a time. This time, however, things were different. For one, last year's accomplishment kept replaying itself in my head. I really don't care much about what people say or think, but after last year's score and the shock everyone got, I know I was probably the first person who's marks would be checked by one and all- "Lets see how much last year's topper scored!" I did not want to be a one-time lucky shot kinda thing. I have that talent and determination in me, and getting a good score this year would only serve to emphasise this very fact.
I know, for a fact, that I did not study as much as I should have this time. I definitely did NOT study as much as I had in my IInd year. I got involved in things other than pure academics, the Ophthalmology and Paediatrics Quiz came up, I wasn't in the right state of mind for a major part of my PLs...and there I was, telling myself I was well-prepared, when I knew I wasn't. It was too much to ask for a top rank. All I prayed for, was a score that would keep my integrity and my mindset intact.
Going back to the time I heard results were out, I couldn't get myself to go online. Instead, I did what I have never in my wildest dreams, thought I would do. I called up a school friend and told her to talk about everything other than results. Sweet that she is, she agreed and the next half hour was spent in chatting about everyday happenings in our parallel lives...It calmed me down. It really did. When I was ready, I went online to check my score.
Funny thing really, I got disappointed when I saw it. I thought I'd managed a 60%. The relief that a 300/400 gives my mind can obviously not be given by a 292/400, as close as it is to that 300. Well, and that 292 underlined the fact that there had to be people ahead of me. Human that I am, I was disappointed. The only aspect of my scorecard that brightened my mood, was that 76/100 in Ophthalmology. Now, I have Distinctions to boast about, in every exam until now :-) (Biochemistry, Pathology, Microbiology, Ophthalmology).
The topper this time has got 76%. There is a 12 mark difference between us. But, I know she deserves every bit of it and well, at least I came 2nd :-)
I hope I can do better than this in my Final Year. It is my last chance and I want to give it all I have. I know that I have it in me to get to that Rank 1 and 2....I can't get there 2 years in a row by fluke, right? I'm delighted that I could make my Mother (an Ophthalmologist) stand tall and say, "My daughter got a Distinction in Ophthalmology" :-) In fact, having also represented BJ in the Ophthalmology quiz, I have done all that is possible with that subject :-) That was my aim when I first fell in love with that subject in January 2011:-)
I'm a pleased person today. I have done well enough and I am pretty proud of that. It is another issue that my family is happier than I am...it is strange, how your loved ones can manage to make you happier than you actually feel :-)) Love you all, guys!! Thank You :-)

From The Topper's Desk

So the 2nd yr University results are out. AND I HAVE TOPPED MY COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!! By a whole 8 marks!!! I got a 74% (407/550), with distinction in two subjects :-) I remember having written that I simply love Microbiology and my aim is to get a distinction in that subject. Well, I achieved my aim and more - I got a distinction in Micro and in Patho. Hurray!!
The D-Day had long been prolonged and fought over. The usual rumours were in full swing every single day from last week. If any of those had been true, we'd have had 10 different results by now. The official date till yesterday afternoon was 24th February ( i.e. yesterday :-p), 5pm. Yesterday afternoon it was changed to 25th February (i.e. today), 6 pm. I was more involved in wanting to watch the ICC Cricket World Cup than being nervous about a result I had lost all excitement for!! And, in the middle of watching it, I get a phone call from a friend, " Congratulations!!! You've topped!!!", and he sounded SO happy!! I was confused, I was a little shocked, and yeah, basically CONFUSED. I said I'd go back and check it up on the net. When I did, there it was: 407/550. And the distinctions. It was really scary to start with. I mean, ME??!! Topper!! Impossible! If I've got 407, there has to be someone else who has got 408 or more. I'm just not of the kind that comes first. I come second. I come third, but never first. That 'first' is this ungettable, faraway, dreamy place that one can only fantasise about. Honestly, through  my entire second year, I never ventured to fantasise about it. It was too costly a dream.
So, you have to believe, when I heard there was a chance that I had topped, I didn't want to believe it. It was just like those morning dreams. Somebody was going to pinch me hard and burst my balloon of happiness (i'm still feeling like that. Guess, this what the unheralded Oscar Winner or that shocked Wimbledon Champion feels...and then people wonder why you don't sound as happy as they expect you to be!).
There's always a first time for everything, and this is my time. I want a few days to pass. A few days after which it will become a 100% fact : Pranjali Sharma, Topper, 2nd yr, BJMC, Pune.
I am still praying to God: Just let this be. I deserve this. Don't take it away from me, not after having given it to me, let me have a feel of it and given me a chance to feel what those people feel; those toppers feel...
So, what's it like to become a topper? Dammit, scary!!! Those Gold Medallists in the Olympics will probably have an idea about this. So you get to wear the medal, hold the bouquet, take the pictures, have the National Anthem sung.....and then you wait....for those dope test results...knowing you haven't done anything wrong, but still praying, hoping, wishing it all comes clean...yeah, that's what I'm feeling right now. I know I have done all the hard work, haven't anything wrong, but till somebody (in authority) can tell me for sure that there's no change in my results or anyone else's results, I am going to be scared and nervous about this.
Ok, so that is it. No more thinking about the bad stuff. I turn to my ultimate love : Cricket. I am going to have a lot of fun, watch the entire WC with as much dedication as last time, and have an immensely delightful and exciting time :-) :-) :-)
p.s. my next posts could well end up being a recap of the World Cup. So non-cricket-fan-readers, beware!!!

College Grind

College has begun in some sort of full flow now. We finished with our 15-day Ophthalmology posting and I realized that I really enjoy it!! Now that’s a first. I was really interested in attending all the 15 days, which, by my standards, means I simply loved it all.

Now we have ENT. This should get over on 16^th Feb. Every day I have to push myself to go there because I find it uninteresting. Maybe my opinion will change as we attend lectures, but I am not assuming that is really going to happen.

There’s a difference in the teaching in IIIrd year and that of IInd year. You could point out the better and the interesting teachers in IInd year; you know, the teachers who took an effort to make the topic worth reading , worth attending a lecture for. In IIIrd year, lectures themselves are interesting. So the teacher doesn’t matter. If he or she turns out to be good at the task, it is an added bonus. Till now, we haven’t had downright boring lectures. Guess that’s the advantage of a clinical side teaching. They add practical knowledge to the theoretical, and that makes it quite an awesome combination.  Preventive medicine however, begs to differ. Some topics are really interesting. However, the practice of the Department to make presentations by copy-pasting straight lines from Park (the textbook for PSM), makes the subject duller than a Monday morning after a long weekend! I wish they could change their method of teaching. Even students will start taking active interest, thereby, cutting the vicious cycle of bored and frustrated teachers making students more bored and frustrated.

Our Co-operative Store Book Exhibition is being held over this weekend. I was so excited yesterday to go there and buy books. I took my dad along for the cash and for an extra brain at work as well as a helping hand. We came back, loaded with books. The experience was so different. You walked around through the many sections, looking at the many textbooks on the subject, choosing whatever you want to, having fun…J My friend looked at the many Gynaecology and Obstretics books there, read some and made an instant decision that she would become a Gynaecologist. She already loves the subject, and going to the Exhibition made her resolve even stronger! That’s the strength of putting thousands of books together!

So, as compared to last year, college this year is both, boring and interesting. We have more time on our hands (obviously meant to be utilized in studying, but the mood is yet to come :-P). that gets boring at times. We have tutorials in the afternoon instead of Practicals like last year. Yesterday, we had a Medicine tutorial and I enjoyed it. Overall, I am glad I came into third year, and I know it’s only going to get better. We’re still waiting for our IInd yr examination results though. The tentative date is 28^th Feb. Usually, results get out before the stipulated date. There’s a rumour going around amongst our seniors about their results coming out anytime now. So ours would be declared around the same time. I am excited about them, but am not getting my hopes too high up. You never know how badly you might end up getting hurt in the process!!  

My Brother BEST!!!!!

Rutwik, my younger brother, has made me the proudest and happiest sister ever!! His Std. 10 ICSE Board Exam results were declared on Wednesday (19th May), and he has topped the guys in the City with 97%!! He has got amazing marks and has finished with the highest marks in five out of seven subjects in his school. He got 100/100 in Social Studies and in Environmental Studies.
I am just so, so, so proud of him. Feel like screaming out the entire world that he has topped in the entire city. When my results were declared four years back, I had come 2nd in the city and had also beaten the Boys' Topper. At that time, it had felt awesome too. This time, with my brother appearing, I was hoping he'd manage to be the Boys' Topper. And he is!! Anything less than this would definitely have hurt a bit. he has gotten the highest honour (to call it so) there can be in this city.
His photos have been splashed in newspapers and today, my mom stands as the proud mother of two ICSE toppers with pictures in the newspapers with both of them :-) She obviously feels elated and extremely proud of my brother. But, I am completely over the moon. Hell, I'd never known what my brother felt when he heard about my results. I always wondered whether his happiness had matched mine. Today, I know what it feels like. And, we may not show it as much as the actually rank-holder, but our happiness can even go beyond their's!!
I've always felt and known that Rutwik was definitely the more talented of the two if us, and more intelligent too. If there was any one in the family who could have beaten the 96% I'd set 4 years back, it had to be him. He's meant for so many greater things than this, but I wanted this to be a start. And for all the crazy, sporty things he has ended up doing for last 10 years in his school (including all the complaints from teachers), he deserves this more than anything else. The guy is an absolute genius! And I want him to come to B.J. Medical College, but if there is anything, simply, ANYTHING, that can provide him with medical education better than that, I want him to go for it. Because he deserves every single bit of it.
As an elder sister, it has always been my responsibilty to take care of him, and to love him. It would pain so bad to see talent like him wasting away in the dirt of the playground in school. I would wish so many times that he understood what he really possessed. Today, I feel I don't have that responsibilty any more; because my brother has grown up, he has become mature and understands what he wants; because, he knows what he needs to do to get it; because he will do everything in his power and beyond to get it; because he is a winner with that killer-instinct, and knows it.
I am so proud to have a family like mine. My mother and uncles have been rank-holders too. My cousin has got almost every scholarship there is to get, and currently is working like a madman to get onto the Indian team for the Mathematics Olympiad later this year. Among the youngest cousins of mine, the elder of the tiny-tots is busy winning prizes and certificates for projects that even my Uncle has a hard time understanding! Oh God, I feel so so lucky. I love my family and I hope this streak of winners never runs out. I want us to become great people and make our parents and grandparents proud. I want us to be able to change the world in our way. And, I want my brother to keep working hard and weaving the magic that he has got hold of now. Thank you for everything bro!! You are simply the BEST :-)        

Officially Into Second Year:

Out of the blue, the results rained down upon us, and I am very happy, relieved and pleasantly surprised to announce to the ENTIRE world, that I have officially stepped into the second year!!!
My marks are not the best there can be, definitely not ones that I'm used to. But, considering my plight before the exams ( having to 'cover up' marks in Anat, in the Univs), and my overall, quite a packed year, with activities other than studying for 12 hours a day, I am glad its all over.
In fact, having looked at my marks, I am delighted that I can happily throw those bones away and put away my Anat books never to look at them again. Of course, thats not true. We have a surgery term, and definitely need Anat here. But, the point is, now I can actually LIKE anatomy and do it at the same time.
I got a distinction in Biochemistry ( considered to be quite an achievement by my mom), and I am very happy I could do it. All through the year, I have maintained that Biochem is my favourite subject. Doing well in a subject you like, is always incredibly satisfying. I expected more from Physiology, but I am not in the mood to give my paper for a re-evaluation. 'Be content with what you have' is a motto I quite strictly follow where my marks are concerned.
There are a lot of people who have got more than I have. It is not a scenario I am used to. But, strangely I don't even care, because I was so afraid that Anatomy might just prove to be, what I always thought it to be: My Nemesis.
Plus, my internal points sucked. To the core. So frankly, I've scored a lot more in the final University exam, than a lot of people. But, my internals pulled me down to what I have. Which is 'average'.
Its the first time I'm so satisfied with an average that, try as hard as I can, I can't even be unhappy! I've promised myself that I'm going to study from day 1, and I have started too. Plus, I love Pharmacology. I could read it forever. So its a good start.

Moving over to Vedant 2009, we did quite a bit of work over the past one week. Organising committees devoted to individual events, sending out search parties for potential sponsors, sending out delegations to different colleges in the city to invite them..... it has been fun. I am devoted to the English debate. It took quite a brainstorming session of about 4 hrs to come up with rules. We still have the judges left to decide.
Right now, though, Vedant has been put on hold, with the outbreak of Swine Flu in Pune. It has become a situation and the city isn't quite capable of handling things well. We've had three deaths, and many positive throat-swab results. Colleges have been shut down for at least a week, and we have to wait for our Dean's decision on Tuesday, to decide the fate of our event.
With the amount of work we've put into it, one part of me wants it carry on. But, there's also the less confident second half of me, which fears managing the event, and so wants the stop. We'll see what happens. Till then, hope to enjoy the glory of officially becoming a second year student. :-)

Back To College

It hasn't been the easiest of tasks really. I actually like staying at home. I guess college is , well, not as great a place as home is. There were times when I used to look forward to going to school. And there were times when I used to look forward to going to class. Now, there's these times when I don't look forward to going to college. I've had to get myself ready, mentally, to just go through the days. That's what I don't like. The going to college thing. If I had it my way, I'd just sit at home and study. Thats way better and much more interesting.
Any way, college has been boring. We got about half of our results. I, sort of, did well in Biochem. 34 in theory and 30 in my pracs. A whole of 64. I passed. And that's what had me smiling. Anatomy marks just told me that I suck at it. And its gonna be much more than mugging up anatomy books thats going to help me there. My marks aren't worth disclosing, as much as I talk on this blog. Lets just say, I've got a lot to catch up in the prelims, and Thank God we have Anatomy for just a year. We're getting Physiology tomorrow and I think I'll pass, unless my pracs give me a big nightmare.
Among the newer stuff, Head and neck is quite tough. And I've sort of gained the will to study. So I'm studying quite a bit. Lets see how long the momentum lasts. It should last till about my prelims, so that I'll be ready by May to give the University exams.
We've now got an Anatomy seminar coming up. I'm quite interested, so I'm hoping that I get the chance to speak. Thats all thats happening. I'm just trying to adjust to college once more. Somehow those five days were so relaxing, my entire state of mind had changed. Its time to come back now, 'coz its show-time!! Yeah, right!