Where Did I Match?

UNITY HOSPITAL, ROCHESTER NEW YORK IT IS!!

And the suspense ends. Rather, it ended about 5 days back. I'll be flying into a beautiful city with some really friendly citizens and I shall look forward to about 6 months of 3 feet of snow :-)

Now that I have had 5 days to breath through and make myself believe that this is actually happening, I'm delighted. I'm a part of a distinguished and delighted group of to-be interns who matched this year. I am one of the few who can look back at Match Week with a fond smile and pat myself on my back and say," Mission Accomplished". I can look at the past two years and say, "Successful Journey". Whoever said that its the journey that matters and not the destination basically never reached the destination. I can't imagine feeling so at peace and satisfied about this journey if I hadn't matched.

But, back to where I matched. Rochester. have I mentioned that I have a thing for everything British except their cricket team? I love their accent, I love the names that they give places, I love their authors, I love their Royalty but I can't imagine wanting to live in England. Eureka!! I get to go to Rochester! Where every name is British, where the houses are so far apart, I get a good rural English feel, where I can stay in a place called Carriage Glenn and behave like I'm so English Royal myself and still get my dose of the USA :-)

I probably chose the worst month to go to Rochester during my interview season - January. But I had to see how bad the snow can get! They say the city blooms in the summer. Guess it is my turn to find out. I'm already excited, nervous, scared, happy, confident yet not so much....it's a myriad of emotions and feelings. One thing I know for certain, I'm actually glad I did not match into a Prelim position. I know I probably would not have said this 2 months ago when I was so intent on wanting Surgery. But the peace I'm getting by knowing that I am in this wonderful program for 3 years and will get out with an Internal Medicine degree under my belt, makes me sleep well at night and makes me calm. Really really calm :-)

I've actually been going through all my interview conversations with the faculty in my head since Friday. I'm glad i had the chance to tell them everything about myself - academics, personal, professional....everything! I can proudly say that they liked me enough to consider me for their program :-) what a confidence boost!!

I'm doubly excited because I even have a friend who matched at Unity. I mean, how cool is that? On Saturday, I just got this message saying,"So guess we have Unity in common, huh?" and I couldn't stop hoping against hope that it really meant what I thought it did.

And it did :-) ha ha!!! I think these three years are going to change me for the better. I can already see myself become more sure about myself. Being in a place like that, not too much city, not too much village, is going to be so great. And I'm so going to become an outdoorsy person. I promise. I'll only be able to utilise 3-4 months for that, so I'm going to make the best of it. No more lazying around :-)

Whew!! Lots of documentation to do, a family trip to be scheduled, packing to begin, house-hunting to start and an international drivers' licence to be applied for. USA baby, here I come!!

MATCHED

So, now that this journey has reached its first major milestone, I’m going to stop worrying, relax and write a post. I can’t get my head around the fact that I have matched and come 07-17, I will be PGY-1 resident at some awesome program in the United States. All that worry, indecision, regret, hopelessness, guilt, the awesomeness of the interviews has reached the end.

The worst part about applying for residency in the US is the long long journey. While my batch mates here, took one entrance exam, got ranked according to their marks and then participated in counselling rounds to get the specialty they wanted, I had to wait a year before I was even eligible to apply. Where they just took a single exam, I had to take 3 nine-hour exams, one of them in the United States. While they studied in the library of our medical school, I was applying for electives and experiencing the brilliance that the American Medical system is. Its been a whirlpool of all sorts of emotions. Worth a movie really. Or at least a book – The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Match J

I have questioned myself at numerous times throughout these past two years. The first time: when I got my first rejection for a clinical elective. I probably disguise a bit my own low self-confidence in the form humility, but I was asking myself why I even thought that any university would love to have me there. Then came a great moment, when Yale sent me an acceptance into their Infectious Diseases clerkship. I could see my plan forming a little bit, moving a couple of steps.

And then it stopped again. No more acceptance emails. I needed at least one more elective to get the minimum required US Clinical Experience (USCE). And nothing. One fine day, I get an email from Harvard saying I was accepted into their elective. The elective that clashed with my Yale dates. I had to reject it. I remember saying to my mother on the day I left for the US, “if I get one more elective, it’s a sign from God that this is the path I’m meant to take.” Harvard decided to smile upon me yet again and offered me a second elective, this one at none other than Mass Gen Hospital. Yes, during those two months, I felt pretty great about myself.

The USMLE exams are a whole different ballgame. Studying for them was tough, yes. But, sitting through an 8 hours exam for the first time ever, is enough to knock you flat. I knew I didn’t do fantastically well on it. When I got my score, I knew it was good. But that’s just what it was. Good. Not the best, not awesome, not the see-the-score-read-the-eras-profile kind of score. When I took the Step 2 CS, I was sure I had given it everything I had. I wasn’t sure whether it was enough though. I think everyone needs to take this exam once in their lives. It is so real and so strange. I was pretty sure I was going to fail it, actually. Because I thought my cases were weird. Now I know everyone says the same thing after coming out of this exam. I was most petrified of that result. The moment I saw that ‘PASS’ written on my score report, I started crying. That was a first. Crying because I felt like I’d gotten some major victory under my belt.

It was after this result that I went into a sort of manic mode. I decided that applying immediately would serve me best. I ended up taking the Step 2 CK as late as I possibly could, but still early enough that I’d be eligible to apply in Match 2015. That exam was a disaster. When I came out of the Prometric Centre, I knew I would be questioning what went wrong in my head, when I decided to take this whole USMLE plan through. Even now, I feel a mix of relief and disappointment when I think of my CK score.

My next questioning moment was when I applied to fewer programs than everyone else in the same boat. When I was doing my research, it made sense to me, to apply to programs that could see me as a potential candidate. Why should I apply to a program that said they wanted 3 months USCE when I had only 2? Why would I apply to a program that was situated in a place I knew I’d never stay in? So, yes, it all made sense at that time. After MyEras opened and people started getting interview calls from everywhere, I questioned all of that rationality. What harm would it have done to apply to a few more?? When I got my first interview call, I was delighted. Again, this plan appeared to move further towards its destination. Then came the stop. Nothing more for almost 1.5 months. I started thinking back-up plans, avoiding my own thoughts to avoid my own questions and wondering why at 24, I couldn’t even believe that I was 24 years old.

Going to the interviews was nerve-wracking to say the least. I had half a mind to not get into that US-bound aircraft. I was more than happy to run away and figure out something else for myself. I had to keep playing all those morals I had learnt from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings in my head to give me courage to face this head on. It did not matter that I actually had fun at the interviews, met new people, made conversations with students from all over the world and felt great about my chances. When I came back, I had another disaster heading towards me – my ECFMG certification.

Once you get your degree, you send ECFMG (the Dean’s Office for International Medical Graduates) a copy of that degree. They look through it and then send a form to your medical school, asking them to verify stuff from their side. The school is supposed to do this and then resend the form to ECFMG who finally verify your medical credentials and issue the ECFMG certificate. As has been the pattern in my USMLE prep, this took ages. I had to get certified before the last date of Rank-Listing. Phone calls to ECFMG and trips to my medical school did not seem to fasten the process. That was the first time, I decided to bury my head in the sand and just let go of this dream. It was sort of my fault that this process did not happen earlier, right? If I’d planned things properly from the very first day of my internship, I’d have spent a happy February with nothing to worry about. Instead, I spent sleepless nights and frowning days, avoided talking about the future even when my parents pushed for it, dove into fiction as if it were my last tank of oxygen. When that certificate was issued 6 days before the last day of Rank-Listing, I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I was reborn. At least now, if I did not match, it would be because I wasn’t good enough. Not because I didn’t have the documents in place.

You’d think that believing something like that, rejection because you’re not good enough, would be a blow to your mental health. But, I’d rather have a failure that I could blame myself for. Maybe this is a little childish, but it gives me a sense of clarity to think like that.

Now, lets come to Match Week. Frankly, I did not believe that it was really happening, All that I’ve done, the electives, the exams, the interviews still feel like a dream. I’ve never thought that I could be brave enough to do it all, so looking back, it doesn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe that I would match because of this whole dream thing. I mean, how could it really happen right? How could a dream just become reality?

I had a sleepless Sunday night. Having avoided the thoughts for the whole day by keeping my mind busy, I couldn’t bring my mind to calm down during the night. I was jittery. I had to attend a new OPD, shadow a new consultant on Monday. That always makes me a little nervous. Add on these nerves, and I was pretty gone. I jumped at the opportunity to convert this OPD day into a research day instead. Then I plugged on my head phones and listened to music and buried myself in the records section of the hospital. When evening came though, there was nothing else left. No defence mechanisms that could suppress the thoughts of not matching and having to deal with SOAP (the post-Match Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program). When you are in a time zone that’s 9 hours ahead of the US, it sucks to participate in the SOAP. You can’t be physically present for any interviews that might come your way. You have be up all night to make sure you at least get a skype or telephone interview. And you have just 2 hours to accept an offer. This goes on for 3 whole days. If you are at an institute like mine, where you are busy all day from 7 am in the morning, this is a nightmare.

It goes without saying that I did not want to have to go through SOAP. But, I couldn’t stop stressing, couldn’t stop thinking. And then fate decided to intervene. The wifi connection at my house decided to give way. Completely. And it refused to right itself. Suddenly my thought were torn from having to participate in the SOAP to whether or not I would be able to even see my Match status in the first place. I had to make the decision to come back to my hostel room and rely on the so-s- wifi here. That relaxed me a little. For a while I had to think about arranging transport to the hostel, my food requirements, etc.

Of course, the moment I got to my room and set things up, the jitters came back. This time, good old site-load helped me through. I couldn’t open the NRMP pages fast enough, there was no message anywhere saying that I had/hadn’t matched. That made me believe I hadn’t matched of course. So I went onto the SOAP link. And it said: You’re not Eligible for SOAP.

There is only one reason why you go from being SOAP Eligible on the Friday before Match Week to being SOAP Ineligible on the Monday of Match Week. Several agonising minutes later, I saw the message that calmed me to numbness, such a strange numbness I think I floated out of my body and saw myself sleeping peacefully for the next three nights in that hostel room bed.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE MATCHED!

I think in the line of major achievements, this by far trumps everything. I don’t know where I’m going to my residency. I know that the places I interviewed at, I loved. So anything I get will be awesome and make me happy. I can’t ask for any more. What I can do now, is reflect on how this journey helped me grow up a little. I know if it hadn’t been for this decision, I would never have ventured out of my own city. Instead, I flew all over the US twice in the past year and am now spending a month in Hyderabad by myself. I would never have been capable of believing that I can meet new people and make new friends, and not feel out of place. I would never have known that I do have the mindset and belief to see myself through anything.

I never believed that I’d ever take the path less trodden. Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” had struck a big chord back in school. But I never thought I’d embark upon something like that. You always hear stuff like, challenge yourself, get out of your comfort zone, the success you achieve by going straight ahead is never sweet enough. But do you actually do it? I’d like to believe this me doing that. Yes, I always wanted to get my further education in the US. But I saw myself going through SAT/GRE and getting into some academic program there. When I got into medical school, those dreams were buried by the wealth of knowledge there was, to accumulate.

I never liked Frodo Baggins in LOTR. I felt he was too dark, too depressing in his journey to destroy that Ring. I understand him now. Yes, my life was never in danger, I did not have to worry about the basic necessities of life in this journey, but it was a journey that questioned me, a journey that put obstacles in my path, a journey that challenged but did give some respites.

I have always loved Harry Potter for facing challenges head-on and getting through it all. He was the first to say he always had help, but what use is the help if you don’t have the courage to stand in the battlefield? I had to dig deep into my own stores of courage, gather every dialogue from both these series that shaped my childhood. I might still not feel very worthy of any new achievement that may come my way. But, I know that if I could snag a residency in the US, be the first from my entire family to do it in medicine and feel proud of myself right now, I will be able to do anything I want in the future.

My family and God, thank you so much for supporting me through this and allowing me this opportunity. To my Idol, the late Kalpana Chawla. You talked about a journey from a small village in India to the stars. You have always been my inspiration, from the time I had a photo of the whole Columbia Team stuck to my study table, to every interview where I talked about you and your incredible journey. I hope that this leap I am taking from my own small city to the Land of the Free will help me build my own new dreams and reach for my own stars.

I matched! Game, Set, Match J

How's The Internship Going?

This question is the most obvious and the most commonly asked of me wherever I go. Today, I have the time to ponder on the perfect answer to it.
Hmm...so, how is this internship going? One thing is for sure: I'm enjoying this phase only because I have my friends with me (and by friends I mean, people I like, call friends and who also work as much as I do). Working in a hospital can be a lonely feeling....you are working with and under residents, who you can have no choice of. Right now, thanks to the delay in the Entrance examination results, we are short of Junior Residents. That means that our Senior Residents are quite frustrated with the amount of work left for them to do and, in turn, we, the Interns suffer, because we need to work more than usual and also do all the petty jobs there are. In such a scenario, if you don't have decent people to work with you, pour out your innermost emotions to, have a laugh with and remind each other of your plight, life sucks.  That's where, I have been lucky enough.
Of course, there are people called 'cutters' in our batch too. The word is used to describe an intern who wriggles out of the work assigned, usually to study. Such a person is usually more thick-skinned than the rest of us (as interns, you have to be thick-skinned to survive the mental ordeal in SGH), has absolutely no conscience to provide a haven for guilt and loads the rest of us with extra work. In my batch, we have about 3 such people. We've been able to distance ourselves from them, but time and again, fate just plays into their hands instead of ours. Currently, there are 4 of us, who've sort of decided to stick together, because we work well together. 3 of us were together in the Orthopaedics posting and we had a blast. The fourth girl joined us during our ENT Rotation and we managed very well. We decided to do day duty during our Csualty &Trauma rotation. We've left that place with the Chief Medical Officer saying that our team of four was one of the most sincere and hardworking lot he's seen in a few years. Such a nice compliment to hear!
So, going back to the question: I shall be biased now because of the Casualty rotation. Upto the start of Casualty, internship was fine. Paediatrics was over and done with (that itself is such a liberating feeling. I realise it now when I go to the building and there is no reason why I should need to enter it), Orthopaedics was fun and signed off, Otolarhingology (ENT) created a few issues regarding the Interns' rotation but we scraped through and Ophthalmology just proved to be my favourite yet again. So far, so good. Apart from the ENT completion signatures, I had all the others and things were good. I particularly enjoyed Ophthalmology. All that I ever did was measure the vision of patients and take labs, but I'm so completely in love with the subject, I enjoyed that bit too :-)
My hate for Casualty began during Orthopaedics. On our Emergency days, the intern had to sit in the Casualty and do the preliminary of the Ortho patients. Obviously, that was NOT my favourite job. The Casualty Interns posted at that time weren't more than acquaintances of mine. Seeing them run around here and there like freaking doctors, added to my negativity about the Casualty. I used to get this helplessness sort of a thing watching them. I used every opportunity to run away to the ward. There was lab work, blood issue calls, the HIV-HbsAg testing and trips to the OT to help out the residents a little. I did not sit at all, but I got that helpless feeling out. I felt better about myself. It worked for me.
This attitude carried into the start of my Casualty posting. On day one, I did not want to start the posting at all. I wanted to run away from the place and hide myself in some tiny little corner of the world where nobody would find me. But, by the end of the day, that thought itself was hiding in some deep dark corner of the world.
Looking back, this has been my best posting till date. A 12-hour day duty, managing more than 80 patients per day (all sorts - malingerers to psychotics, chest pain+breathlessness to assualt, alcoholics to RTAs, dog bites, cat bites, pig bites, monkey bites....everything) is not a joke. We did not get time to sit. My whole diet was ruined because my ages-old routine of 4 meals a day at fixed intervals was kicked out. There was a point when I almost collapsed there due to exhaustion. But, amidst all this, I loved every moment of this duty. My fear of putting an  intravenous catheter, a Ryle's Tube, a Foley's....everything was dealt with. I'm more confident of myself now...I managed to put my CPR skills to good use (finally, the BLS, ACLS workshop can be properly thanked :-) ). But, if there is one thing I enjoyed more than anything else in the world, it was the Minor OT. We dealt with all kind of wounds....my mattress and simple suturing has flourished during these 15 days. I love doing it all. Such a constructive way of getting rid of all the frustration and anger that boils inside you when you have to listen to 10 relatives per patient asking you 10 different questions. I had realised long back that I love surgical work. In these 15 days, I have also realised that when a patient comes with complaints of chest pain+breathlessness+hypertension, I lose interest. Its so obvious that Cardiaology is so not my thing. The area of the CMO dedicated to Surgery and Orthopaedics was my home, my go-to place when things got out of hand. I could calm myself down, doing the preliminaries of those patients, setting their wounds right, giving them hope that things would become better.
We had all sorts of patients - suicidal attempts (I and a friend sutured a wound in 3 layers - the only one in these 15 days :-) ), cases of castration, hit-&-run cases, accidental machinery injuries, self-poisoning for all sorts of reasons....I got a look into the kind of life people are forced to lead. That was disheartening because, when you have all the luxury in the world, some people don't even have 10 bucks to make a case paper. Old men with BPH complaints came from afar and refused to go back, because they had no fare. Aged women travelled for 2 days to come here and be told that they should have come 2 days before or after....that part of a direct view of reality made me depressed. I will do something for such patients in the future, because, they deserve every bit of it.
The casualty is an excellent place to learn. Medicine, Surgery and Orthopaedics residents are always there and they always managed to teach us a little something. Yes, this 15-day posting was wonderful. So much so that now it is over and I have this vacant feeling. My elective posting is Dermatology and it's back to being an intern doing all the menial jobs. I'm still in that mode of activity and multi-tasking. It is going to take a long time to get back to my usual job. Ha ha ha. Check this out. On day one, I had already hated every minute of that Casualty. Now I actually miss it. He he!!
So, how's the Internship going? It's going well. I'm enjoying it and I've learned quite a bit :-)

My most important post ever

So, I've finally done it. I managed to get past the nightmare of my practicals, a true test of my knowledge, according to the people who really know.
It was different, this experience. For one, I realised what it os like to get really tense before an exam; so tense that I think I spoilt my own chances of answering well in there. This was before Surgery. The problem with that subject is, I love it so much, I get nervous knowing I may not do well enough, and obviously, when such thoughts haunt your mind, you don't end up doing all that well. A vicious cycle. I hate it. But, I haven't able to solve the mystery behind my love and fear for this subject. Looking back,  I know that my nervousness and fear that I didn't know anything only held me back, on what could have been a good viva. What more can you ask for? The residents conducting the exam are helping you; they stop just short of giving your viva for you (just partly, because they stand behind the examiner and mouth the answers they know). The examiners are really in no mood to fail you, unless you decide to do that yourself. And you pretty much know the cases, instruments, xrays, specimens beforehand. Despite all this, when I wasn't happy with my own answers, I knew I had only myself to blame. I did enough to pass, yes, but, this is a subject I love, and passing here was just NOT enough.
It has been that sort of a relationship with Surgery. The Love-Fear quotient is like a 50-50, and that really really sucks. But, I did learn a lesson, and decided I wouldn't panic so much for my next practical.
Medicine- that was that next practical. Now, the thing about Medicine is, I think I know, I know I know, but when it comes to using my head, I always go off on a tangent. And, I can't examine patients the right way, to save my own life! There's always something incomplete in my method. If that isn't the case, the fact that I'm not applying enough strength, always gets me few marks less. So, yeah, there are a few areas to be worried about, in medicine. But, by God's grace, I ended up getting Alcoholic Liver Disease cases as short and long cases. Oh man, by the end of the practical, my pleximeter had turned into a mass of aching skin and bones (thanks to all that percussing- this despite cutting my nail so short, it hurt there too). In fact, at the end, I couldn't understand whether it was the patient's percussion tenderness or my own finger groaning and saying it had had enough.
Medicine was ok. I say ok, because, if you end up getting the same topic on all your three cases, you should ideally ace your exam. Problem was, my first case was a disaster. The examiner was an internal one, and she is considered to be a little scary. I wasn't given a warning that the exam had started or anything. She just came up and asked, "Are you 49089?" "Yes, Ma'am" "Start your case. And keep that paper away." WHAT?! No bloody warning!! And how the hell was I supposed to remember the details. This woman has her own set of rules, so you have to remind yourself of each and every one of them, before you speak. Like, do not say "Cynosis" in a p/a case, because it doesn't have any significance. Caught by her out of nowhere, I went into panic mode, and next thing I know, I'm rattling off Cyanosis to her with loads of 'ahhhh' interrupting words and sentences. I couldn't wait to finish with that viva, and I guess she couldn't either. Bad start. Had I been in her position, I wouldn't have given myself anything more than a 50%. Maybe she did. Will only know in February. The other internal examiner was my Project guide. I was worried, because I hadn't gotten back to him regarding the project. But, both his vivas were good. He took my long case and although it started off well, they (internal and external examiners) were a little disappointed that I missed out on Spider Naevi in my patient. What is worse is that, I hadn't missed it, had checked loads of times, and had concluded that it WASN'T Spider Naevi. Talk about difference of opinion. But, the table viva made up for it, I hope. There was nothing that I didn't know about whatever they asked me. We parted with a smile (a wide one, by the way) and I kept praying, they'd consider my awesome table viva and give a me a few more marks for that long case. The xray and charts were taken by my scary internal, and obviously, I was still scared of her. It was ok upto the point of recognising the problem. Thereafter, it enough to say, I don't think I use my head much when it comes to differential diagnosis.
Paediatrics was easily the best practical. My table and short case Viva was good. It was full of questions that were first-timers (like, disadvantages of breast milk, reason why you use Ca gluconate in hyperkalemia and some others that I don't remember), and I answered to the best of my ability, which was quite a lot. My long case was Cerebral Palsy. How I hated my luck that morning. After praying and praying and praying some more (that I don't get Cerebral Palsy), I got that case. Lucky for me, I was the last person to get done with my viva, and he only asked me read my case and asked 2 questions after that. So although it felt incomplete and weird, at least it wasn't a disaster, thanks to the case.
Obs-Gynae was a story itself. The HoD was the internal examiner, and he got really angry when he found people with their books near the cases. He found my book in my friend's bag, and that got me included among the people he was going to punish. Punishment meant that our vivas were going to be held last. So throughout the day, I just had one thought in my head, "Will I pass?" It'll be so humiliating to have the topper of 2nd year and 3rd year to fail in final year because of something like this. But, he did take our vivas. He didn't ask any question though. The external examiner sitting with him was asking everything. And, overall, it turned out to be decent enough. I obviously wish the incident hadn't happened, but I guess it was all for the best. When our HoD was asking questions, he was asking tough ones,  making students feel like crap. But, when he was sitting quietly, things were better :-)
So, I'm done. For the first 2 days, it didn't seem real. I kept thinking I have to go back to studying in a few days. But, now, I'm getting used to the fact that I don't have to study for a month at least. Not that I'll be sitting idle. I have to decide my future, I have to catch up with old friends, I have to get my garden in order, I have to start preparing my brother for his exams....in all a lot.
Currently, I'm stationed at my grandmom's house, trying really hard to make up for all the time I didn't have to spend with my gradnparents in the past 4.5 years. I'll be leaving for Hyderabad tomorrow. Its the AIOS-2013 conference and I'll probably attend a day or two. My chief purpose is split between taking a tour of the LVP institute there, meeting up with friends, and enjoying the awesomeness of the Ophthalmology conference :-)
Bon voyage!!
   

Theory Examination Over

Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve realized the following:

1.       I hate exams. I thought I lived for them, but I don’t.

2.       If Final year is supposed to be hard, it doesn’t even compare to the stress you go through during the exam. Looking back, I don’t know how I made it through in one piece.

3.       Papers always turn out differently this year. They are all expected questions, yes, but you don’t feel like you’ve written expected answers (or this might just be me talking).

4.       The age old superstition : the lesser you’ve done something, higher the chance of it actually ending up in the paper. It sucks through your brain. Oh, it SO does! And probably, that’s why you end up staying awake the whole night.

5.       Everybody but you, seems to be less concerned about the examination. It’s almost as if, you’re in one boat and everybody else in the other. It actually isn’t like that, but that’s how the world looks to you.

6.       The MUHS does NOT care about us students. They prepare papers full of spelling mistakes, repeat short notes in the same question (which is: Answer any three out of five. So that effectively reduces us to answering 3 out of 4. Or taking that bold step of writing the same answer twice hoping you’ll get 3 marks two times over.

7.       Surgery still freaks me out. I did it almost twice. Almost, because, there were a few chapters I did not do twice. Yet the day before both my papers, I was freaking out. And I was almost wishing I hadn’t taken up this course of Medicine.

8.       I always fall sick before my exams. Thing is, the week before my immune system decides to take a holiday, and I suffer. Surprisingly, this time, I got better like 2 days before the exam began, to reach my designated centre and end up with the flu AGAIN. Seriously, there was a time during the paper I had to allot to clearing my blocked sinuses!!

9.       I am exhausted. I don’t want any more testing, I don’t want any more theory answers to be written. I’m so tired of taking all this stress, it’s reduced my weight to more than is normal during a preparation leave.

10.   And, did I mention, I’m still hating Final year? Oh yeah, I’m still hating it, and I simply can’t wait enough for 13 Jan to come.

So how were these exams? The same exams I was so worried about, the exams on which nothing depended, my parents had absolutely no expectations from, I had no expectations from, the exams for which I literally turned the entire household’s lives upside down….yeah they were ok….all of my papers were more or less the same…I didn’t find any paper extremely easy, but no paper was pathetic either….I liked my Obstetrics paper best, because I drew a lot of diagrams, and they didn’t ask the questions I’d dreaded. I think I like my Paediatrics paper least, but that’s just because I couldn’t give the finishing touches I’m so used to giving all my papers. And it sucks to end your undergraduate examination on that note.

It’s what I’ve been through in these past 2 weeks, that’s so important. I suck at managing stress. Oh man, I really suck. My mind plays all sorts of games with me, and it’s so freaky. My usual method of calming myself down went to the dogs this year. When I told myself, “Shut up, stupid little girl, you’ve prepared well!!”, another louder voice used to come up behind me slowly and say, “Oh yes, little girl, you’ve prepared well. Tell me, do you know that you can’t remember the treatment charts? Or diagrams? Oh and by the way, you’ve not even touched contraception yet….and what about Skin….and you have even done your usual dose of MCQs this year.” It’s so hard to get rid of that voice once it starts.

This past month has been dreadful. I don’t think I’ve ever suffered so much in any preparation leave. It has been a combination of low confidence, sucky memory and a vast portion that refuses to even come close to the finishing line. The result : a complete wreck of a person, worried parents, indecision about the future and an ardent desire to just let go. They say Medicine is tough, so this is just the beginning. I’m really worried about my brain and its tolerance capacity. So, yes, there are some tough decisions to make in the coming month- regarding my future, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and the best way to keep my brain stable. I almost resorted to some anti-depressants and I don’t want to go down that road ever again. That’s why this decision will be so important to me.

Right now, I’m already worried sick about my practicals. The worry doesn’t make it any easier to start studying again, but it does affect the general day. I wish I had some confidence in myself. I really do. I hate this low self-esteem I have about my case-taking and practical skills. Of course, I have good enough reasons to feel this way, but I also have good reasons NOT to feel this way. Our timetable isn’t out yet. All we know is that, practicals in our college will be held from 1^st to 12^th of Jan, 2013. Nothing more. I want to know the exact details as fast as possible…that way, once I have a deadline to get to, it’ll make it easier to manage my study timetable.

God bless me and my case-taking skills. One ordeal over, another to start very soon. Oh I hate Final Year!  

The Prelims Over :-)

Looking at the few results that have come out, its not been the happiest of times, but its not like I expected to rock my exams.

These 3 weeks have been nerve-wracking. First, it was back to back papers. That pretty much left you with no time to really brood over the previous paper or the next one. My acid-test was the Surgery paper. My relationship with Surgery hasn’t been smooth. I like the subject. I love it. Its amazing how that is possible. Surgery is Anatomy clinicalised, if there is such a word. I used to HATE Anatomy. I couldn’t visualize anything in there. But, here I am, 3 years down the line, liking the subject that is the advanced course of the subject I hated.

Any way, so as much as I love the subject, I’m not very confident about it. So, when it comes to an exam or a practical I get so paranoid. The day before my Surgery paper, I was at my wits’ end. It is all thanks to my dad who somehow got me through that paper, with all his discussions the day before. Before my Surgery 2 paper, we did the same, but it wasn’t as successful. My paper wasn’t the dream that I wished I’d had. It was a cross-over between a normal dream and reality.

The rest of the subjects have been ok. I know my Obstetrics paper wasn’t as great as my Gynaec paper and the difference in the marks showed it. I know that my Med 1 paper was 100 times better than my Med 2 paper. Yes, those marks showed that too. My practicals were pretty fine. The Gynae pracs were especially better than expected. I got decent marks too. My internal assessment marks for my pracs are more than those for theory, so that does say something. The med practical was supposed to  be fine, but my marks didn’t show it. I was pretty disappointed with that.

At the start of this prelim exam, I just prayed that I get through it somehow, any how. I did. THAT is an achievement. For a month back, I was totally unprepared. Totally, completely, fully. I didn’t know how things were going to fall in place. They did. Not perfectly, but they did. To me, that is all that matters. A friend of mine says I’m overly competitive. I don’t believe that is true. I know the kind of answers I write or give in Vivas. After having taken exams for the past 20 years, I can say I’m an expert at it. There was a time when my papers were held up in front of the class to demonstrate how a paper should be written. Even now, in medicine, there is always something that I like to incorporate in my answers to make them better than the person before me. After all, the checking of papers is relative, isn’t it? All students study the same amount. All students write the same amount. They write the same things too (biology of the body won’t change with each paper, will it?). The difference between a 67/80 and a 40/80 is the method of presentation. It is your answer that shows your ability to succeed. And, I know I have to keep doing that to score more.

Do these scores matter anywhere? Not really. But, they do stand to give me a shot of confidence. So, I know that next time I write a Gynaecology paper, I shall be sure of myself when I’m writing it. The Obstetrics paper, on the other hand, will require some more effort on my part. When I know that I’m managed to score among the top brass of my batch, I know that I’m up there knowledge-wise.

These upcoming preparation leave days are going to make all the difference. I know that. It is going to be one tough month of studying. But, having gone through my prelims, I know I need to work extra-hard to stop myself from losing it before or during the paper. Our practical dates have also been declared and they are a month away from the theory exams. So, the upcoming 3 months are going to be the make or break of my Medicine journey. In this last leg, I can’t give up or be loose. I’m going to make each and every day, each and every second count.

A Medicine Disaster Story

Me - At the BEGINNING of the Medicine  Posting

Me - MID-WAY through the Posting

Me - 2-3 days BEFORE the Term End  Examination

I write today, having emerged from a vicious battle; a battle that left me feeling thwarted and scarred; a battle which made me question the very reason I was put in there; a battle which gave me sniff of victory early on, only to take it far far away at the end.

Good evening, dear Readers, welcome to the post-term end report of the Medicine Term-end.

The past week has put forth shocks at the speed of, well, not light...at the speed of sound. It all started on Monday. I decided to go for the OPD after 2 whole weeks of staying out of it. I am a pretty sincere student, so I was feeling really guilty for not having attended it, in the previous two weeks. I reached the OPD and there came 

Shock No. 1 :Our not-so-down-to-earth Chief Resident had LOST HIS VOICE!! Ok, so a few words about this guy. He loves to talk. In fact, there isn't a second when he won't talk. He is a mountain of knowledge, but doesn't    complement that with much humility. He teaches really well, too, but wastes time in between. And - what irritates me most- he loves to be on great terms with the teachers, usually at the students' expense. I simply hate it when these residents make it their job to trash students. We're supposed to be little children. Treat us with care and love, will you!

So, this guy had lost his voice. It didn't stop him talking, but yeah, the load had reduced. It was funny and sad. Funny, because his voice was really gone, and it was nice to see him helpless for once :-p Sad, because, he wouldn't really be able to teach, and because, I pity every single person who gets a sore throat.

Shock No. 2 : He knew my NAME and RANK STATUS in my class!! I know I've done well in the past, but that simply doesn't put me on the map, right? Here I was, standing in the OPD, regretting every single moment for coming, and enjoying every single moment for hearing that funny voice. Out of nowhere, when I answer wrong, he says. " Why are you answering like that? Aren't you the topper??" Wow. The guy gets his information and how! I was pleased, yes ( I agree I don't have a lot of humility inside of me), but I was flabbergasted at the same time. How in the world did that happen?? And on top of that, he took my NAME.  Oh my God! Now he knew me. Any chance of being unnoticed went out of that OPD door.

Shock No. 3 : I know no ECGs. ECGs have evoked that Phobia system in my brain. Due to the miraculously perfect functioning of this system, I get Phobias of things very very easily. Stuff like the darkness (unless I can see the dark sky studded with its diamond stars), lizards, heights, certain chapters in Maths, Physics, FMT, Biostats and the newest addition - ECGs, freaks me out immensely. The fact that nobody really taught us ECG properly put together with another fact that almost everyone in class and in my batch could read ECGs pretty well, just multiplied that problem. Our tutor did teach us ECGs, but fact is that the patterns shown in books are never really seen in practice thanks to the machine-related errors. ECG- reading also requires practice, which I do not do, because I am so phobic about the whole thing. As the week went by, I started having panic attacks. I did not have the time to read the book and practice reading 100 ECGs and the ECG was worth 5 whole marks. Knowing me, you know how particular I am about each and every mark.

Shock No. 4 : I develop a sore throat and severe Sinusitis with GI symptoms too...Swine Flu?? This was the biggest scare of them all. The lingering thought in my mind that any day, I could end up in the hospital, ate up a lot of the tension related to my term-end, but brought on newer and bigger problems. I had taken the vaccine, you know. I have also gotten sick a lot of time since then. However, this time, the clinical features of Swine Flu have changed and it is now associated with GI symptoms. Also, I have spent a lot of time in SGH, with no mask and the place has loads of suspects. So I couldn't think of anything else. It turned out to be baseless and stupid any way. The GI symptoms went off in a day. I am healthy as a pony (I won't say horse, because I am on the thinner and smaller side) right now. Scary, though.

Shock No. 5 : We find our new CR ( not the one from Shock No. 1) taking our term end instead of Kadam Sir. WTH!!
The tradition is that if Dr. Kadam is present, he takes the Vivas of the first and the last groups. We were the first. It was known and expected by all that we would have to face him. In fact, the three of us were waiting for that moment. We have had the experience of his Viva last year. To say it in one word - SATISFACTION. Agreed, he asks his own set of questions. They make you think, and they follow a logical pattern. More importantly, he leads you on. There aren't hints as such, but he puts you on the right track. You learn too. Ultimately, even if you haven't been able to rattle off all that you know, you are satisfied because you have managed to wriggle yourself out of his Viva in a good way. That feeling can only be felt. No words will describe that feeling.
Having been there once, we knew we were in a good, if not, better position to face him. Disappointment showed on all our faces when that CR walked up to us. If he had been nice, it may not have mattered. What can you do, when every answer of yours is shot down with a big "NO", before you even complete it? And who can calm you down when you say something you know is correct and the reaction is , "Are you writing a new chapter of CNS?! Hahahahaha!!! You know nothing!" This misnomer of a Viva continued for half an hour. It ended with all of three of us telling him we did not like Medicine and we were NOT interested in doing it. The look on his face was worth it. We had taken such a wonderful case and he ruined our moment of pride. There is no way I am even going to look at him again, let alone, talk to him. The end result was that, we didn't really warm up for the Univ exams, we didn't get to know questions that we may face later on, we did not learn anything new, our old knowledge was laughed upon and our morale related to CNS and Medicine wasn't just broken; it was ground into microscopic little pieces that we can't even put together. Oh, and yes, it made me decide I shall not take up Medicine. I would take it up if my life depended on it, but then I know I am strong enough not to be faced with such a choice.

Me - AFTER the Term-End examination
"I will not rest until I have had my stomach's fill."

This disaster wasn't foreseen, especially after a nice table Viva in which I could identify and read the ECG and the X-Rays and even talk about the instruments and drugs. I hope I don't face such an episode any time in the future. I am not made of wood, and a repeat of that term-end will not leave me stronger than before. It will just add to the misery.

Over the weekend, I have healed my wounds. I start afresh today. We have Orthopaedics Posting now and I aim to finish reading the book once at least. I completed two chapters today so I know I am going to manage this.

Subconscious Priorities

When you start dreaming about your college life, it helps you put things into perspective. On the surface, there are a million things to think of; a million things to do and a million things trying to get your attention at the same time. Dreams really just line them all up, starting from the most important to the least important.

Over the past few days, I’ve been dreaming. The important point to note is that, I’ve dreamt about stuff that I have never acknowledged as stuff that has troubled me or made me uneasy when I thought of it. However, I guess I was wrong. It has affected me more than I thought it did, or should I say, more than I wanted it to.

Let’s start with the first.

A dark background all around me…I’m assuming it is night. I’m outside an unknown cabin - a wooden one like in those Cowboy movies. I’m sure I’m alone yet there are a few people with me. I have my cell phone with me, but I don’t feel like calling anybody as of now. Out of nowhere, there come a group of people – no wait, there appear to be two groups of people. I seem to recongise some faces…hell, yeah! These are my Medicine and Surgery Residents. What are they doing here?? They see me. They are shocked to say the least. The very next second, they’re holding my arms. The Medicine group gets to me first. I know I am being kidnapped but can’t really do anything about it.

The Residents start bombarding me with questions -Medicine-related questions. I can answer a few, and at the one question I can’t answer, I’m being dragged off with that group. When this happens, the other group jumps up to my rescue. Not rescue exactly, because, the moment there is a question I can't answer from their list, I'm just dragged off there! And then, I get a phone call. Again, from a surgery resident. He seems to want to tell me something, but just keeps beating about the bush. I'm scared. I can't tell him where I am. I keep wondering whether he is involved in this very operation or not. Ultimately, he doesn't end up doing much to help me. 
I did not get up with a jerk or anything. I got up with an uneasy mind and a tough day to look forward to. I know I haven't been on top of my timetable. But, such dreams are definitely going to push me onto Insomnia big time!
Moving on to the second:
Let me first give a brief background to this one. I've had two such dreams. They are both related to the ICMR project I was intent on doing a few months back. At this moment, in April, I know for a fact that I will not be able to do everything possible, and giving my time to the ICMR project is just going to spoil my chances of doing well in Final year.
The first dream basically had my to-be Guide shouting his head off at me, when I go to tell him that I don't want to do the project. This was obviously related to an incident from day before, when he told our batch off for making too much noise in an evening clinic. It was the first time I had seen him lose his head, and I think, I was a little traumatised by that experience. Hence, the dream. I just stand helpless, waiting for the dream to end, by the way.
The second dream came yesterday. After cajoling myself to at least take a look at the list of selected projects, I found that my project had been selected. So now, my dream had me walking about in college, trying to make up my mind whether to meet my Guide now or not. Out of nowhere, lots of people start coming and wishing me congratulations for having been selected. It appears on Facebook and I seem to be caught in this big trap. I want to say no, but I can't seem to say it. And nobody even wants to listen to what I have to say. Scary.
These two dreams bring me to the main worry I have. Do I want to do the project? I have a stack of points for not doing the project:
1. There is way too much to study in Final year. I know I'm not that strong. So whatever time I get to waste, I want to be able to waste it and not spend in more work.
2. My aim in doing the project was to improve my CV when it came to applying to universities abroad. I am now leaning more towards doing my PG in India, in which case it won't really matter. Also, it isn't necessary to have a project under your belt. I have my academic record and lots of certificates to which I shall add many more in the coming few months.
3. My Ethics certificate hasn't come, in which case, I shall have to wait till June. That is when my Terminals would begin. Not a great time.
4. I'm just not in the mood any more to run around looking for patients.


For doing the project, there are a few points too:
1. It has been selected. That means it is good enough and there are going to be some results which would really help the future of Medicine.
2. It will add to my CV any way, whether I like it or not.
3. I won't get another chance.


Add on, the fear of facing my to-be guide, yeah, I'm pretty screwed. I just hope he takes it nicely and helps me put my mind at ease. 


I'm doing the Inter-Disciplinary Seminar this time. The topic is 'Hospital-Acquired Infections' and I shall be dealing with the Surgery aspect of it. The reason I am so proud of this is that, I was chosen on the basis of my performance at the University Examination. Initially, there was going to be an elimination round. The Academic Committee, finally decided to just go with the Univ marks.
I'd had a conversation with a friend about our marks after the results came out. He said, it didn't really matter because nobody was going to bother about these marks later. I, on the other hand, was a big supporter of the rank system and was delighted about what all I had achieved. The selection of participants for this time's IDS, simply added weight to my argument. I feel that whatever I get, on the basis of my marks at Univ exams, I thoroughly deserve. That's 'cause I work my ass off for these exams. Thus, I am extremely proud of my selection. I wanted Surgery and I got it too. So I am pretty happy right now.
Our Medicine term-end comes up on Friday the 13th. I hope to do well there. It is going to be a busy week up ahead. Let's hope it shall start well and end well.  

Questions

Our HoU has a smart way of training us into doctors. He has allotted each of us undergraduate students a bed in our Ward. We have to go talk to our patients, ask them for their histories, examine them, and follow them up throughout the time that they are admitted. The moment they get discharged, a new patient gets admitted and the same routine continues.

In the past one month, I’ve only had two patients on the bed allotted to me. Initially, we did not take this allotment that seriously, so I didn’t really talk to the first patient. The few times that I did, I just got a superficial history, nothing more. No, it is the second patient that has made me speculate about the seriousness of becoming a doctor.

To cut things short, this patient has Pneumonia and is a known case of Acute Kidney Injury. The first time I met him, he looked pretty bad. A 60 yr old, coughing incessantly, with a Central line and other tubings put, doesn’t cut a very bright picture. I had a long conversation with his son, who was giving me the history. It included a lot of questions from my side regarding the case, and a lot of questions from his side, regarding the overall prognosis and the future implications.

I have to say, it made me think a great deal. Here was this 40 yr old man asking me, if his father would survive and how long. I, who for all practical purposes, myself, did not know how severe the disease was, had to answer the most important question that a patient can ask a doctor. Such a situation only makes me wonder how brave we have to be, to take up such a responsibility.

I’ve just heard that, ultimately, doctors deal with living beings, so the job is tough. But, we are humans too. How in the world can we just take up the responsibility of deciding how long another of the same kind will live? Patients believe in us. The internet and sophisticated instruments may have made patients more aware, but ultimately they trust us. How strong do we need to be mentally to be able to return that trust?

I told that man pretty nicely that his father would live long in the right precautions were taken. However, when I was going back, I kept asking myself, how was I to know that there was even a need for those precautions? What if that patient was already way past gone? What if I was just giving his son a false ray of hope? Who was I to even pass a small judgment on another fellow?

For such a question, is there even an answer? Even studying all the books on a particular disease will not be able to give me enough power to believe in what I’m saying. If I can’t believe what I’m telling the patient, how can I expect him to believe it? When the patient does believe it, I want to simply shout out to him that I’m not good enough, and he shouldn’t take my word for it.

Such thoughts are scary. Today, I have people above me. Tomorrow, there won’t be any. At such a time, I will need to raise myself up to a level, where I shall get a good night sleep and not worry about whether I have given the right advice to my patients. Self-belief is the toughest to get. When it is a person like me, the task simply gets worse.

The questions that torment me, today, are going to torment me for sometime. After all, I’m not a genius at Medicine. I just hope to strive hard towards being able to answer them. In doing so, I know I shall be able to be what I want to be.

A GOOD DOCTOR.

Good Job!!

I won the TB Quiz held on account of World Tuberculosis Day (24th March)!! I'd paired up with a friend of mine and we won!! I got my first trophy from BJ Medical College :-) We topped the elimination round and then won by a comfortable 20 points :-) Our score was 65 and the team, that came 2nd, got 45. I felt so freaking AWESOME!!
I'd been telling myself I should've studied a little more. That thought became even more loud when I saw the number of teams participating. You may want to call me a little dumb here, but I really believe that there a few people who are better off than I am, when it comes to MCQs and one line answers. Fact is, I really believe that whatever I have scored academically, has been on the basis of my neat paper- writing and diagrams. I don't figure much when it comes to odd things you need to know for Quizzes. So, my friend and I saw the people who'd arrived and we told ourselves that we didn't really have a chance. We were going to do this for the heck of it.
The people who know me, will understand when I say, I can't go unprepared for anything where there is supposed to be a competition. So, I did read up Microbiology and PSM, but it was nowhere close to what I'd expected myself to manage in the past week. We were prepared to watch the other teams take centre-stage. Going through the elimination paper, I knew we stood a chance. But, you can never hope for too much. We knew we'd made mistakes, especially after the answers were discussed. It was, therefore, a major surprise to hear that we had topped the Elimination :-)) I was delighted because that meant I got a certificate (I have an obsession for them...they are going to help me in the future, strengthen my CV, so I am obsessed with them).
The Quiz rounds were pretty ok. We were team C, and unfortunately, we had a lot of statistical questions regarding TB. I can proudly say though, my logic and my love Micro and Patho, got us through. I could answer a lot of questions. That was very comforting :-)
The best part was yet to come though. The rapid fire round has always gotten me a little nervous. It is a make or break round in a quiz. This time, however, it was a Make round for us. We answered the maximum number of questions correctly (5/10), compared to the rest of the teams, and we won!! After the announcement of the scores, they brought out trophies!! Now that was the best part. I had won a trophy! Since I'm a big sports fan, winning a trophy is like the ultimate winning for me. I have grown up watching the Pontings and Nadals lift those trophies...I've always wished I could do the same. This time, I've gotten the opportunity :-)) Yay!!
I just have to take this moment and say, "I ROCK!!" Things have been going well. Our Islet Cell Transplantation Symposium will be on Saturday. As much as I love what we have done, I'm just concerned about the certificate. It is a busy week... We also have a Surgery Term-end on Saturday. Add on the Medicine posting...We're given threats of been thrown back into the Unit we were supposed to be posted in, initially, if we don't do serious studying. Really!! Times have changed..It's not like we aren't interested. Sometimes, you gotta understand that although there is interest, there isn't enough material. Tomorrow, possibly, Kadam Sir would be taking a clinic. I can only cross my fingers and hope it goes well...
Apart for studying, we also have to deal with ego issues of the concerned teachers. The life of a Medical Student is worth making a film on. There is everything...it almost prepares you for everything you may have to deal with later in life - buttering people up, saving people's lives, running after people for ages to get your work done, taking the hard way, taking a shortcut, deal with heartaches and excessive happiness...everything...phew!! I'll just go back to reminiscing that wonderful Quiz on Monday...:-))

A Test in Medicine and a Test in English

This Medicine posting hasn't yet shown its true colours. I still haven't been able to decide whether being posted in the Kadam Unit is a boon or a curse. We have finished with one week of posting now. In this past one week, we have managed to take cases related to all four systems - CVS, RS, CNS, GIT. I think the CVS case was well-taken. We managed to finish the entire case that day. An achievement, actually. I presented the RS case to Kadam Sir yesterday. I was pretty freaked out about the whole thing, but the Indian trait of impunctuality helped calm my nerves down. It got too much in the end, because I had to wait a whole 2 hours before he came. However, Kadam Sir is Kadam Sir. His teaching is just way too awesome to crib much about :-) And, it is a real morale booster to be able to present a case to him and not have to hear him criticise you.
The patient I had, was very testing. But, the moment I put myself into his shoes, I could understand why. A 60 year old sick gentleman doesn't want people coming and poking him all the time. Especially after 2 weeks of having been through the same thing. I'm sorry sir for all the trouble I gave you. I do hope I do good for the pains that you and I both endured during past two days.
The whole case isn't complete yet. We only finished till General Examination of the patient. The moment Kadam Sir said,"I think we'll stop now. We'll continue on tuesday", I was a little disappointed. Keeping the patient in SGH till Tuesday is going to be quite a task. He will again have to be convinced to come to another ward, have people examine him...I'm already feeling sorry for both of us.
Yesterday was Gudi Padva, the beginning of the New Year according to the Hindu Calendar. I had a good day actually. The case went fine. I mananged to go and meet my grandparents for a few hours. It is such a beautiful feeling to have them pamper you, even for just those few hours. You can just forget that you've grown up, and go back to those sweet memories of childhood:-)
My TOEFL score came yesterday. I don't think I'd written in my previous posts that I was going to take the Test. I did. I want to keep my options open for my USMLE preparation. Taking the TOEFL and applying for Electives is the first step. My score is 118/120. Isn't that AWESOME?? I know there's no use flaunting my score, but I feel incredibly proud of myself. I'd given myself 3 weeks to study. I only managed like a week of studying. But, that week, being me, I studied only for the TOEFL. People say there's no need to really study for it. I believe, though, that you need to prepare for everything properly. It doesn't matter whether the test is small or big. I couldn't prepare as much as I would have liked to. So that score is a pleasant surprise.
The score means that my school did a good job of teaching me English. The score also indicates that I'm not as pathetic in the language as I think I am. Just because I don't write as much as I used to, in school, I haven't lost my flair completely. It is a boost of confidence really. I am really proud of my English skills. In past few years, since I joined Med School, I haven't been able to use my skills as much as I want to. That made me feel really inadequate, you know. After all, language is my strength.
The TOEFL has proved that I'm not as bad as I think :-) My Mom was on top of the world. Simply, because I told her 2 days before the Test, that I was taking the test, and she didn't really know whether I'd even studied properly or not. I love doing such things. Seeing that smile on my parents' faces, gives me satisfaction and a great night's sleep. What else can a Daughter want??:-)