MATCHED

So, now that this journey has reached its first major milestone, I’m going to stop worrying, relax and write a post. I can’t get my head around the fact that I have matched and come 07-17, I will be PGY-1 resident at some awesome program in the United States. All that worry, indecision, regret, hopelessness, guilt, the awesomeness of the interviews has reached the end.

The worst part about applying for residency in the US is the long long journey. While my batch mates here, took one entrance exam, got ranked according to their marks and then participated in counselling rounds to get the specialty they wanted, I had to wait a year before I was even eligible to apply. Where they just took a single exam, I had to take 3 nine-hour exams, one of them in the United States. While they studied in the library of our medical school, I was applying for electives and experiencing the brilliance that the American Medical system is. Its been a whirlpool of all sorts of emotions. Worth a movie really. Or at least a book – The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Match J

I have questioned myself at numerous times throughout these past two years. The first time: when I got my first rejection for a clinical elective. I probably disguise a bit my own low self-confidence in the form humility, but I was asking myself why I even thought that any university would love to have me there. Then came a great moment, when Yale sent me an acceptance into their Infectious Diseases clerkship. I could see my plan forming a little bit, moving a couple of steps.

And then it stopped again. No more acceptance emails. I needed at least one more elective to get the minimum required US Clinical Experience (USCE). And nothing. One fine day, I get an email from Harvard saying I was accepted into their elective. The elective that clashed with my Yale dates. I had to reject it. I remember saying to my mother on the day I left for the US, “if I get one more elective, it’s a sign from God that this is the path I’m meant to take.” Harvard decided to smile upon me yet again and offered me a second elective, this one at none other than Mass Gen Hospital. Yes, during those two months, I felt pretty great about myself.

The USMLE exams are a whole different ballgame. Studying for them was tough, yes. But, sitting through an 8 hours exam for the first time ever, is enough to knock you flat. I knew I didn’t do fantastically well on it. When I got my score, I knew it was good. But that’s just what it was. Good. Not the best, not awesome, not the see-the-score-read-the-eras-profile kind of score. When I took the Step 2 CS, I was sure I had given it everything I had. I wasn’t sure whether it was enough though. I think everyone needs to take this exam once in their lives. It is so real and so strange. I was pretty sure I was going to fail it, actually. Because I thought my cases were weird. Now I know everyone says the same thing after coming out of this exam. I was most petrified of that result. The moment I saw that ‘PASS’ written on my score report, I started crying. That was a first. Crying because I felt like I’d gotten some major victory under my belt.

It was after this result that I went into a sort of manic mode. I decided that applying immediately would serve me best. I ended up taking the Step 2 CK as late as I possibly could, but still early enough that I’d be eligible to apply in Match 2015. That exam was a disaster. When I came out of the Prometric Centre, I knew I would be questioning what went wrong in my head, when I decided to take this whole USMLE plan through. Even now, I feel a mix of relief and disappointment when I think of my CK score.

My next questioning moment was when I applied to fewer programs than everyone else in the same boat. When I was doing my research, it made sense to me, to apply to programs that could see me as a potential candidate. Why should I apply to a program that said they wanted 3 months USCE when I had only 2? Why would I apply to a program that was situated in a place I knew I’d never stay in? So, yes, it all made sense at that time. After MyEras opened and people started getting interview calls from everywhere, I questioned all of that rationality. What harm would it have done to apply to a few more?? When I got my first interview call, I was delighted. Again, this plan appeared to move further towards its destination. Then came the stop. Nothing more for almost 1.5 months. I started thinking back-up plans, avoiding my own thoughts to avoid my own questions and wondering why at 24, I couldn’t even believe that I was 24 years old.

Going to the interviews was nerve-wracking to say the least. I had half a mind to not get into that US-bound aircraft. I was more than happy to run away and figure out something else for myself. I had to keep playing all those morals I had learnt from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings in my head to give me courage to face this head on. It did not matter that I actually had fun at the interviews, met new people, made conversations with students from all over the world and felt great about my chances. When I came back, I had another disaster heading towards me – my ECFMG certification.

Once you get your degree, you send ECFMG (the Dean’s Office for International Medical Graduates) a copy of that degree. They look through it and then send a form to your medical school, asking them to verify stuff from their side. The school is supposed to do this and then resend the form to ECFMG who finally verify your medical credentials and issue the ECFMG certificate. As has been the pattern in my USMLE prep, this took ages. I had to get certified before the last date of Rank-Listing. Phone calls to ECFMG and trips to my medical school did not seem to fasten the process. That was the first time, I decided to bury my head in the sand and just let go of this dream. It was sort of my fault that this process did not happen earlier, right? If I’d planned things properly from the very first day of my internship, I’d have spent a happy February with nothing to worry about. Instead, I spent sleepless nights and frowning days, avoided talking about the future even when my parents pushed for it, dove into fiction as if it were my last tank of oxygen. When that certificate was issued 6 days before the last day of Rank-Listing, I felt like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I was reborn. At least now, if I did not match, it would be because I wasn’t good enough. Not because I didn’t have the documents in place.

You’d think that believing something like that, rejection because you’re not good enough, would be a blow to your mental health. But, I’d rather have a failure that I could blame myself for. Maybe this is a little childish, but it gives me a sense of clarity to think like that.

Now, lets come to Match Week. Frankly, I did not believe that it was really happening, All that I’ve done, the electives, the exams, the interviews still feel like a dream. I’ve never thought that I could be brave enough to do it all, so looking back, it doesn’t seem real. I couldn’t believe that I would match because of this whole dream thing. I mean, how could it really happen right? How could a dream just become reality?

I had a sleepless Sunday night. Having avoided the thoughts for the whole day by keeping my mind busy, I couldn’t bring my mind to calm down during the night. I was jittery. I had to attend a new OPD, shadow a new consultant on Monday. That always makes me a little nervous. Add on these nerves, and I was pretty gone. I jumped at the opportunity to convert this OPD day into a research day instead. Then I plugged on my head phones and listened to music and buried myself in the records section of the hospital. When evening came though, there was nothing else left. No defence mechanisms that could suppress the thoughts of not matching and having to deal with SOAP (the post-Match Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program). When you are in a time zone that’s 9 hours ahead of the US, it sucks to participate in the SOAP. You can’t be physically present for any interviews that might come your way. You have be up all night to make sure you at least get a skype or telephone interview. And you have just 2 hours to accept an offer. This goes on for 3 whole days. If you are at an institute like mine, where you are busy all day from 7 am in the morning, this is a nightmare.

It goes without saying that I did not want to have to go through SOAP. But, I couldn’t stop stressing, couldn’t stop thinking. And then fate decided to intervene. The wifi connection at my house decided to give way. Completely. And it refused to right itself. Suddenly my thought were torn from having to participate in the SOAP to whether or not I would be able to even see my Match status in the first place. I had to make the decision to come back to my hostel room and rely on the so-s- wifi here. That relaxed me a little. For a while I had to think about arranging transport to the hostel, my food requirements, etc.

Of course, the moment I got to my room and set things up, the jitters came back. This time, good old site-load helped me through. I couldn’t open the NRMP pages fast enough, there was no message anywhere saying that I had/hadn’t matched. That made me believe I hadn’t matched of course. So I went onto the SOAP link. And it said: You’re not Eligible for SOAP.

There is only one reason why you go from being SOAP Eligible on the Friday before Match Week to being SOAP Ineligible on the Monday of Match Week. Several agonising minutes later, I saw the message that calmed me to numbness, such a strange numbness I think I floated out of my body and saw myself sleeping peacefully for the next three nights in that hostel room bed.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE MATCHED!

I think in the line of major achievements, this by far trumps everything. I don’t know where I’m going to my residency. I know that the places I interviewed at, I loved. So anything I get will be awesome and make me happy. I can’t ask for any more. What I can do now, is reflect on how this journey helped me grow up a little. I know if it hadn’t been for this decision, I would never have ventured out of my own city. Instead, I flew all over the US twice in the past year and am now spending a month in Hyderabad by myself. I would never have been capable of believing that I can meet new people and make new friends, and not feel out of place. I would never have known that I do have the mindset and belief to see myself through anything.

I never believed that I’d ever take the path less trodden. Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken” had struck a big chord back in school. But I never thought I’d embark upon something like that. You always hear stuff like, challenge yourself, get out of your comfort zone, the success you achieve by going straight ahead is never sweet enough. But do you actually do it? I’d like to believe this me doing that. Yes, I always wanted to get my further education in the US. But I saw myself going through SAT/GRE and getting into some academic program there. When I got into medical school, those dreams were buried by the wealth of knowledge there was, to accumulate.

I never liked Frodo Baggins in LOTR. I felt he was too dark, too depressing in his journey to destroy that Ring. I understand him now. Yes, my life was never in danger, I did not have to worry about the basic necessities of life in this journey, but it was a journey that questioned me, a journey that put obstacles in my path, a journey that challenged but did give some respites.

I have always loved Harry Potter for facing challenges head-on and getting through it all. He was the first to say he always had help, but what use is the help if you don’t have the courage to stand in the battlefield? I had to dig deep into my own stores of courage, gather every dialogue from both these series that shaped my childhood. I might still not feel very worthy of any new achievement that may come my way. But, I know that if I could snag a residency in the US, be the first from my entire family to do it in medicine and feel proud of myself right now, I will be able to do anything I want in the future.

My family and God, thank you so much for supporting me through this and allowing me this opportunity. To my Idol, the late Kalpana Chawla. You talked about a journey from a small village in India to the stars. You have always been my inspiration, from the time I had a photo of the whole Columbia Team stuck to my study table, to every interview where I talked about you and your incredible journey. I hope that this leap I am taking from my own small city to the Land of the Free will help me build my own new dreams and reach for my own stars.

I matched! Game, Set, Match J

Good Result :-)

Congrats President Obama for a new term in office :-) Cheers to the guy who's made me believe that Politics does have some genuine people !!

There's always a way out :-)

There's always something worth it over that blessed rainbow :-)

Good Job!!

I won the TB Quiz held on account of World Tuberculosis Day (24th March)!! I'd paired up with a friend of mine and we won!! I got my first trophy from BJ Medical College :-) We topped the elimination round and then won by a comfortable 20 points :-) Our score was 65 and the team, that came 2nd, got 45. I felt so freaking AWESOME!!
I'd been telling myself I should've studied a little more. That thought became even more loud when I saw the number of teams participating. You may want to call me a little dumb here, but I really believe that there a few people who are better off than I am, when it comes to MCQs and one line answers. Fact is, I really believe that whatever I have scored academically, has been on the basis of my neat paper- writing and diagrams. I don't figure much when it comes to odd things you need to know for Quizzes. So, my friend and I saw the people who'd arrived and we told ourselves that we didn't really have a chance. We were going to do this for the heck of it.
The people who know me, will understand when I say, I can't go unprepared for anything where there is supposed to be a competition. So, I did read up Microbiology and PSM, but it was nowhere close to what I'd expected myself to manage in the past week. We were prepared to watch the other teams take centre-stage. Going through the elimination paper, I knew we stood a chance. But, you can never hope for too much. We knew we'd made mistakes, especially after the answers were discussed. It was, therefore, a major surprise to hear that we had topped the Elimination :-)) I was delighted because that meant I got a certificate (I have an obsession for them...they are going to help me in the future, strengthen my CV, so I am obsessed with them).
The Quiz rounds were pretty ok. We were team C, and unfortunately, we had a lot of statistical questions regarding TB. I can proudly say though, my logic and my love Micro and Patho, got us through. I could answer a lot of questions. That was very comforting :-)
The best part was yet to come though. The rapid fire round has always gotten me a little nervous. It is a make or break round in a quiz. This time, however, it was a Make round for us. We answered the maximum number of questions correctly (5/10), compared to the rest of the teams, and we won!! After the announcement of the scores, they brought out trophies!! Now that was the best part. I had won a trophy! Since I'm a big sports fan, winning a trophy is like the ultimate winning for me. I have grown up watching the Pontings and Nadals lift those trophies...I've always wished I could do the same. This time, I've gotten the opportunity :-)) Yay!!
I just have to take this moment and say, "I ROCK!!" Things have been going well. Our Islet Cell Transplantation Symposium will be on Saturday. As much as I love what we have done, I'm just concerned about the certificate. It is a busy week... We also have a Surgery Term-end on Saturday. Add on the Medicine posting...We're given threats of been thrown back into the Unit we were supposed to be posted in, initially, if we don't do serious studying. Really!! Times have changed..It's not like we aren't interested. Sometimes, you gotta understand that although there is interest, there isn't enough material. Tomorrow, possibly, Kadam Sir would be taking a clinic. I can only cross my fingers and hope it goes well...
Apart for studying, we also have to deal with ego issues of the concerned teachers. The life of a Medical Student is worth making a film on. There is everything...it almost prepares you for everything you may have to deal with later in life - buttering people up, saving people's lives, running after people for ages to get your work done, taking the hard way, taking a shortcut, deal with heartaches and excessive happiness...everything...phew!! I'll just go back to reminiscing that wonderful Quiz on Monday...:-))

The Expected and The Unexpected

Our Third Minor results were declared on 22nd February (Wednesday). I have come 2nd this time- an aggregate of 292/400 (73%). I also managed a Distinction in Ophthalmology :-)
I was so freaked out when I heard that the results were out online. I have never been the kind of a person to get freaked out by results, you know. I actually pride myself on my control and temperament at such a time. This time, however, things were different. For one, last year's accomplishment kept replaying itself in my head. I really don't care much about what people say or think, but after last year's score and the shock everyone got, I know I was probably the first person who's marks would be checked by one and all- "Lets see how much last year's topper scored!" I did not want to be a one-time lucky shot kinda thing. I have that talent and determination in me, and getting a good score this year would only serve to emphasise this very fact.
I know, for a fact, that I did not study as much as I should have this time. I definitely did NOT study as much as I had in my IInd year. I got involved in things other than pure academics, the Ophthalmology and Paediatrics Quiz came up, I wasn't in the right state of mind for a major part of my PLs...and there I was, telling myself I was well-prepared, when I knew I wasn't. It was too much to ask for a top rank. All I prayed for, was a score that would keep my integrity and my mindset intact.
Going back to the time I heard results were out, I couldn't get myself to go online. Instead, I did what I have never in my wildest dreams, thought I would do. I called up a school friend and told her to talk about everything other than results. Sweet that she is, she agreed and the next half hour was spent in chatting about everyday happenings in our parallel lives...It calmed me down. It really did. When I was ready, I went online to check my score.
Funny thing really, I got disappointed when I saw it. I thought I'd managed a 60%. The relief that a 300/400 gives my mind can obviously not be given by a 292/400, as close as it is to that 300. Well, and that 292 underlined the fact that there had to be people ahead of me. Human that I am, I was disappointed. The only aspect of my scorecard that brightened my mood, was that 76/100 in Ophthalmology. Now, I have Distinctions to boast about, in every exam until now :-) (Biochemistry, Pathology, Microbiology, Ophthalmology).
The topper this time has got 76%. There is a 12 mark difference between us. But, I know she deserves every bit of it and well, at least I came 2nd :-)
I hope I can do better than this in my Final Year. It is my last chance and I want to give it all I have. I know that I have it in me to get to that Rank 1 and 2....I can't get there 2 years in a row by fluke, right? I'm delighted that I could make my Mother (an Ophthalmologist) stand tall and say, "My daughter got a Distinction in Ophthalmology" :-) In fact, having also represented BJ in the Ophthalmology quiz, I have done all that is possible with that subject :-) That was my aim when I first fell in love with that subject in January 2011:-)
I'm a pleased person today. I have done well enough and I am pretty proud of that. It is another issue that my family is happier than I am...it is strange, how your loved ones can manage to make you happier than you actually feel :-)) Love you all, guys!! Thank You :-)

Say Hello To Final Year :-)

And that is exactly what my Brain's reaction was, when it encountered the already extensive To-Do list. Today isn't even the official first day into Final year. That is supposed to be 23rd (a week from now). I know, I know...it is the postings that are more important in Final Year; we'd rather attend those more sincerely than the lectures; so today is the 'Official First Day'....but until the lectures begin, I don't get the feel of  'College' in the real sense of the word. And they begin on 23rd.
Any way, I'd rather talk about my To-Do list. Firstly, giving in to my guilt and my stubborn mind, I have decided to take the risk of doing a Research Project this year. It is a BIG risk. Simply because, a research project takes a lot of the time that you can spend studying. This year, the studying doesn't even end. So, doing a project is like knowing I have Osteoporosis but still, picking up heavy loads and giving those poor bones a chance to break :-p
This is my last chance really. I know I did a good thing by letting go of the Project in 2nd year and concentrating on my Finals. But, deep inside I know I was scared of how it would turn out and not very satisfied with my own interest in the subject. I can't let all that get in the way of developing my research potentials. This year, I'm going to give myself another chance. I am well-prepared. I have a topic, a guide and a rough idea of what all I'm supposed to do. The last date for the Applications is 25th January, so completing my thesis tops my To-Do list absolutely.
Secondly, there's a conference at Lokmanya Tilak Medical College, Sion, Mumbai on 16th-17th February this year. I want my group to present a Symposium on Islet Cell Transplantation. We had first done this at AFMC, Pune in August last year. We all loved the experience, but couldn't get into the final. This time, I want us do things more professionally and get into the finals. We are looking for a few replacements from the previous team. The last date for Registration is 24th January. Since we have to send the forms by post, we need to have the forms, the abstract and the money order ready by Thursday (my deadline). It is full steam ahead for this one..I really want us to do well.
Over to the next point, I want to do an elective in the US after my Final Year examinations. For that, now would be a good time to take the TOEFL. Studying for it is going to be a major part of my agenda for some time now. I have looked through the dates available and March seems good to me. That way, I can finish up with the Symposium and even a part of my project, and then turn over to this. I would have to start applying to the Universities in May-June. So taking the TOEFL in March and getting the results in two weeks time should suit me fine.
Researching through Universities for the Residency programs is going to form a big part of my life this year. Am I, as yet, sure of what I want to do? No. I know that one of my top choices would be Ophthalmology and it would be followed by Paediatrics. That is a tough scenario. As tough as it is, to get Ophthalm, it is much easier to get a residency in Paediatrics in the US. However, I don't want to end up deciding on Paeds only to realise I have done anything about the USMLE. So, I guess, maybe one a week or something, I'll be driving in this direction.
I and a friend of mine had decided last year itself that we would participating in the Indian Association of Paediatrics Quiz this year. We went and talked to the Lecturer in-charge today. She was excited that we have come so early :-) And since we want to do really well in this, we are going to start from now itself. Theory for the exams and extra stuff for the quiz. It should help me any way, as I learnt from my experience as a part of the Ophthalmology Quiz team last year. So this is yet another item on my To-Do list.
Last but not the least - the regular studying. It is Final year...tough from the word go. I have my Obstetrics-Gynaecology Posting now. To underline the importance of this year, our Unit Lecturer immediately made me go take a case (Pregnancy with Anemia), and we had a full discussion about the whole topic. On day 1. Not to mention the number of times she called us "Final year students"!! There's a wave of seriousness around. It is uncomfortable...because even the laid-back students are showing it..and that is so freaky! So obviously, I need to be in the moment throughout. There is no room for lagging behind....because once you remain back there, it gets too much to push back to the front.
Lets begin this year then. I know I'm going to have fun. I feel it. And I shall finally understand the meaning of 'Serious Fun' :-) Happy Studying!!!

New Year's New Gift

On 30th December, I attended the Installation Ceremony of Rotary Club NIBM of district 3131. My Mom was made President. It was one of those enlightening moments, you know. You see what all you can do with this preciuos little thing called Life. I haven't really got hang of the Rotary culture yet, but it was pretty clear to me that to get to that place, I'd have to do something meaningful with my life. Only then would I be in the position to give back to the Society, the Rotary way.
Meaningful started with doing well in my practicals, waiting for me pretty patiently in the suceeding week. It wasn't an easy ride getting there. As is the case in any college, we have log books called "journals". We are supposed to complete these journals and get them signed from our Head of Unit and Head of Department before we arrive for our University practicals. Unfortunately this year, our Ophthalmology journals were lagging behind on the HoD signature and she was in mood to give them to us that easily.
I do get her point. We went to her three days before the University examinations started. And, most of us had simply copied from our senior's journals. But, ultimately, every teacher wants her students to pass the examination and we thought the same applied to her.
To our utter misfortune, it did not. In fact, she did not seem to have an ounce of pity, let alone love, for any of us. The day before the examination, she declared she wasn't going to sign our journals. Since my batch (Batch F) had Ophthalmology practicals on the first day, we got ready for the worst...lambs for slaughter sorts...only worse, because despite everything, we were going to live and have to bear the consequences of our (and her) actions.
Imagine my utter horrifying disbelief on the day of the examination, when I heard that I was to be the first student to go to her and give my Viva. Was I scared? Yes. Not because I wouldn't be able answer anything, but because for the first ever time in a University Practical, I was carrying an incomplete journal. I should say I was lucky. I answered most of her questions and she didn't ask much about the journal. After hearing the conversations (if I may call them that - the students didn't really talk :-p) she had with the people after me, I was glad I got off easy...phew.. Ophthalmology was ok, actually...I could obviously have done better. But, thats just my love for the subject talking. In the past year, I just don't seem to have learnt the meaning of 'toning down'. I need to be the best at Ophthalmology, whatever may happen. I know it has hurt my chances of doing well, because I pushed myself too hard at that thought rather than doing it in action. It is over now, and finally, I can only pray that the examiner decides that I AM the best, and gives me marks to suit that statement.
With ENT, it was the opposite end of the pole. All I cared about, was passing in the subject. I think my problem with ENT has been a two-legged one. I don't like it and I don't understand it. There is no sane reason why that should be the case. I, personally, think it has to do with Genetics. When my Mom was pregnant with me, she was doing a one year residency in ENT. She couldn't stand it one bit. The thoughts got transferred to me at that time. So ultimately, I knew I hated the subject, even before I could reason out why. When I did reason out why, I found it had a lot to do with another subject I hated - Anatomy. ENT deals with the part of Anat I was never particularly good at - Head and Neck. With the 'brilliant' experience of Anatomy dealt with and over and done with, over two years ago, ENT dug out hidden skeletons and a lot of indecisiveness and insecurity.
I know that, when I write today, I have finished with ENT and I am surely passing in the subject. It doesn't make me happy. It makes me relieved. I have put a lot of work into pushing myself to the position where I can manage to be in a positive frame of mind with ENT. And that can only make place for relief. My practical was quite ok, actually. I wouldn't have thought of asking for a better practical. I can say this for sure, because when I was walking back from the department, I felt victorious for having gone through it and come out, all in one piece. With a stable mind :-)
Moving on to the third subject for the year - PSM. That practical was easily the best of the three. I know for sure that I have got my 20 marks of spots and biostats right. If not 20, at least 18 is garuanteed. And I had a good and a very good viva :-) The only crappy part of the practical was the time span - 8 am to 4:30 pm. There were seven of us left to complete the theory viva, when the examiners decided to go have lunch. It tested our patience. Every single bit. As one of my friends put it, "First they gave us a 40 day Prep leave only for the Practicals, then they gave us a 4 day Prep Leave only for PSM, and now they're giving us a 4 hr leave only for the Grand viva!!!" Ultimately, we all ended up chatting about the latest advertisements, the sitcoms, the stupidest jokes ever, all the PSM textbooks lying forgotten on the side. When the Examiners did come, all we wanted was to just finish off with the whole damn thing.
I think the New Year's gift this time, was good :-) there was definitely no let down in any way. And I am sure I shall be able to do well enough to remain mentally stable :-)
I have 4 days off now. 4 days before I go back the Year that is known to seep out every bit of energy left inside you. Vast subjects, no time, and things running like bullet trains. Thats what 2012 is going to be all about. Hopefully, by the year end, I shall have lived to re-tell the whole story with laugh :-) if not that, I shall still be telling the story any way :-) Happy New Year's to one and all!!
If this the year the world's going to end, lets end with a resounding happy bang!!! :-))  

Remember Me??

Yes, it has been a while...a long long 'while'..and no matter how long a post I write, it just won't make up for the time I haven't written anything.
But, today, I got a very special request from a friend of mine. She is my greatest friend in college, and we somehow end up doing the same kind of things. We also like the same kind of things too. She told me yesterday that she was going to start a blog, and read up a few entries from here, today. She messaged me, " Continue writing. Please :-)''
I felt so NICE. Its just the word to describe the feeling. It isn't I-want-to-dance joy, and definitely not i-want-to-scream-to-the-world happiness. Its that calm positive feeling you get when somebody pats you on your shoulder and says, "Good work"...when you look at that beautiful morning and know you're happy to be alive...when that dark starry sky tells you time can stop and you can stare at it :-)
There you go, now i so feel like writing. So many things that I want to write about- college, PSM (it will always have that very 'special place in my life :-p), books I've read, thoughts that keep haunting me in between my study time, friends, life events...so much!!
But, I don't have that kind of time, and I still want to honour my friend's request, so I'll just say a big thank you to 2011.

Dear 2011,
Yes, you haven't been an easy year. As is always the case, you haven't been an easy ride full of smiles. There have been tears- of joy, of sadness, of anger, of hatred. But, you have made me think for myself and given me a treasure-trove of experiences that make me the person that I am today. And, yes, I am a better person than I was a year back.  
Professionally, I did a lot things this year, and I am so proud of having done each and every one of them. They gave me a sense of achievement and a self-confidence in my abilities. I know I haven't been able to match up to my expectations when it came down to studying from the exam point of view. But, I do know that I have enjoyed learning new things this year, and that will always be there for me, wherever and whenever  I need it.
Personally, I still feel like the same person. I think I have grown a little more mature, but I will never ever let the kid in me go away. It is nice when you know that you have this little kid to fall back on, to give you tiny microscopic moments of happiness :-) I think I have grown to control my temper a little. I may still be short-tempered, but the temper doesn't reach the peak it used to. And I have been able to place excellent arguments for my temper, so that means my minds works great even when I'm angry (which is an achievement :-P).
There are times when you have been very harsh, 2011. Times when I didn't know why things were happening the way they were. Times when I wondered what had suddenly gone wrong in the planetary system that I was facing such situations. But, you pulled me out of them. I stand here today, with my back to them. Memories live, but, hey, you did a pretty good job of pulling me out.
Thank you 2011. For being a normal year. For giving me love and hatred...for giving me joy and unhappiness..for making me feel special and small...for giving me success and failure...most importantly, for bringing me closer to some very special people in my life. I don't know what I'll do without you guys...you guys are my solid rock - this is to my whole family and all my friends..love you guys :-)
You are a dear year to me. I have learnt to appreciate every single moment in my life. And I shall always look back at you and hope that every time you shall say to me, "REMEMBER ME??"

Love,
Jill

Wow, that sounds like a thank-you speech you get to hear at a life-time achievement award ceremony!! :-P Unlike you, my dear Jill :-)
Any way, this post is obviously dedicated to my friend and her kind request. There you go, girl. You better read this :-)
p.s. It is so nice to feel the desire to write again!! I was starting to feel so lost. After all, words are my strength. Without them, life is meaningless. And its good to be back!! :-) 

Micro, I Love You!!

I do, I do, I do.....Never thought I'd be saying this, when I initially started with second year. I thought Pharmac was going to be my cup of tea. Guess, I'm not all that different from the rest of the crowd after all.
So, our Micro Quiz eliminations were held on Saturday. I can't say that I studied a lot, or that I spent sleepless nights, studying up a storm, but I did as much as I could. And I think I did pretty well in the Eliminations. I did not get chosen for the final team of two, but I came third. By one mark. So, I'm a back up for the team. I'm still going to attend the extra lectures, because I really feel that I can DO Microbiology, and that something just clicks really well. So I want to learn it, another way, and another way, and a fourth way is there is one.
This is something that clicked me after my Micro paper during the terminals. It had gone pretty well, especially the MCQs. So, I just like doing Micro. And, of course, I can't imagine myself doing Pharmac or Patho for days together, but I can imagine that happening with Micro. And I loved solving the MCQs on Friday, as a preparation for the elims. It was so much of fun!!! Plus, the teacher conducting the elims, told me, "Good Performance!". Now when that happens in a subject, you are bound to like a wee bit more than normal, rite? :-)
So, I'm doing Parasitology now. I love the new book feel. I'm doing it from Arora and Arora. After a year of reading the same old textbooks, I literally pounced on this one. I like it. It is said to be the toughest part of Microbiology, but, I'm on a high right now, and I really want to finish a major chunk of the syllabus in Parasito.
Do I regret not being a part of the team? I do. Especially when it was a matter of one mark. But, the responsibility now is less, and I can enjoy and study, both. Hell, I really did not want to meet my uncle who's coming down from the USA with the kids, regretting every moment I spend with them, because it was cutting into my study time. So, I can meet him with a clear conscience, and also study as much as I want to, at the same time. And I can attend the extra lectures. There isn't a ban on them. So, somehow, the regret or sadness or whatever you may want to call it, is a very small part of all the emotions I felt at that time, or those that I feel even now. I guess, I'm really happy that I didn't do very badly, to crash all my hopes of doing well in Micro down to the very depth of the Earth.
And my next target is: Distinction in Microbiology. And by more than just ONE mark!!!!!

Officially Into Second Year:

Out of the blue, the results rained down upon us, and I am very happy, relieved and pleasantly surprised to announce to the ENTIRE world, that I have officially stepped into the second year!!!
My marks are not the best there can be, definitely not ones that I'm used to. But, considering my plight before the exams ( having to 'cover up' marks in Anat, in the Univs), and my overall, quite a packed year, with activities other than studying for 12 hours a day, I am glad its all over.
In fact, having looked at my marks, I am delighted that I can happily throw those bones away and put away my Anat books never to look at them again. Of course, thats not true. We have a surgery term, and definitely need Anat here. But, the point is, now I can actually LIKE anatomy and do it at the same time.
I got a distinction in Biochemistry ( considered to be quite an achievement by my mom), and I am very happy I could do it. All through the year, I have maintained that Biochem is my favourite subject. Doing well in a subject you like, is always incredibly satisfying. I expected more from Physiology, but I am not in the mood to give my paper for a re-evaluation. 'Be content with what you have' is a motto I quite strictly follow where my marks are concerned.
There are a lot of people who have got more than I have. It is not a scenario I am used to. But, strangely I don't even care, because I was so afraid that Anatomy might just prove to be, what I always thought it to be: My Nemesis.
Plus, my internal points sucked. To the core. So frankly, I've scored a lot more in the final University exam, than a lot of people. But, my internals pulled me down to what I have. Which is 'average'.
Its the first time I'm so satisfied with an average that, try as hard as I can, I can't even be unhappy! I've promised myself that I'm going to study from day 1, and I have started too. Plus, I love Pharmacology. I could read it forever. So its a good start.

Moving over to Vedant 2009, we did quite a bit of work over the past one week. Organising committees devoted to individual events, sending out search parties for potential sponsors, sending out delegations to different colleges in the city to invite them..... it has been fun. I am devoted to the English debate. It took quite a brainstorming session of about 4 hrs to come up with rules. We still have the judges left to decide.
Right now, though, Vedant has been put on hold, with the outbreak of Swine Flu in Pune. It has become a situation and the city isn't quite capable of handling things well. We've had three deaths, and many positive throat-swab results. Colleges have been shut down for at least a week, and we have to wait for our Dean's decision on Tuesday, to decide the fate of our event.
With the amount of work we've put into it, one part of me wants it carry on. But, there's also the less confident second half of me, which fears managing the event, and so wants the stop. We'll see what happens. Till then, hope to enjoy the glory of officially becoming a second year student. :-)

One year- Part II

One year back, we officially took admission into BJ Medical college and became students of the same, thus fulfilling the dreams that most of us have had for many years. For me, as I have often repeated even in my blog, it was a dream come true of the wildest kind, because I had never expected to get this college, in spite of studying as hard as I had. So, I'm just glad, happy and mostly feel very lucky and indebted to God for the opportunity that He gave me by admitting me into this college.
This year, the list of colleges allotted to students through the CET has been declared again. And there are many students who's dream have been fulfilled. Having experienced that myself last year, I just want to thank God for doing that for these students too. And, as a senior ( I hope, since the results are not out yet..anything can happen...and its me, we're talking about here), I would only want to hope for the best for the batch of to-be Doctors who enter BJ on 1st August.

Examinations - The Chapter

I've tried my level best to try and describe Exam Time in a Medical College....And failed....MISERABLY. Mostly because I didn't have the time to write all that I felt. So I thought, I'd try right now....only a little differently. Through chunks out of my Diary which would describe what I went through them.

* Dates to remember:

26th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 1

27th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 2

29th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 1

30th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 2

1st June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 1

2nd June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 2

30th June, 2009 - Anatomy Practical

2nd July, 2009 - Physiology Practical

5th July, 2009 - Biochemistry Practical

Excerpts from my Diary:

8/5/2009:

" Well, things aren't going all that well. I just CAN'T seem to FINISH!! I was supposed to end a 1st revision on Sunday. And its just not happening! I'm gonna push to Tuesday and hope I can still manage 3 revisions. But, you know me, Jili. So it all looks a little bleak."

11/5/2009:

" Managed a fair bit of Central Nervous System ( Physiology) and I'm actually on top of the world!! Its funny, how small things just make me smile like anything!!! Things are a little tough, but I'm, well not enjoying, but keeping the humour intact. After all, ur spirits need to be up in the high sky to make it through all this, right?"

19/5/2009:

" Alright, I'm a little worked up here. I knew I'd said I'm not going to take tension, but, wen you are way behind a schedule you've had to change twice to make sure you manage stuff once at least, you are in murky waters there. And, can you believe it, its Physiology that's getting me worked up. Not 'coz, I haven't done it once. Its because, I haven't done it twice!! Anatomy, I have 5 days. I can move the heaven of Anat on earth if I have to. But Physio's getting unnerving here. Ok, girl, cool down. Deep breaths. Remember that weirdly dark sky that you have neen seeing at 2:30 and 3:00 in the morning for the last few days. And smile. They're all there to sail you through. You are gonna pass. I promise."

Well, I really did have it coming to me. Especially since I couldn't move the heaven of Anat on earth in those last five days. But, I guess that happens to everyone. The papers were much better than I thought they might be. And considering that I was pretty much on the verge of puking and fainting just before my Anat papers, I'm glad, I came out with a smile saying " Its over!!" At that time, I knew I'd done well, because I wrote everything that I could remember. Looking back, I'm not so sure. But, its Medicine and this stuff does happen. Physiology and Biochemistry were good too, although the last paper ( Bchem II) was definitely the worst of the five. Point is, you can't expect to have six smashing papers. In fact, we'd been warned that either paper I or paper II is tough. So, since the paper Is went well, there was always the fear that the paper IIs would be disasterous. So, I'm happy that my worst paper was the last, and I didn't even have the energy to ponder much on it.

Excerpt from my entry on 3/6/2009:

" Exam's reduced all the weight I put on. It has worn me down; mentally, physically, inevery way possible. All those 2-3 o'clock nights the week preceeding and all the 40hour sleeps in the past week.... But, its over!! And for the pracs, its not going to be like this. So, I'm dead pleased."

Practicals was a whole different ball game, as I managed to realise, a triffle late if I may be permitted to say. It included our journals ( to be learnt cover to cover) and the ENTIRE portion for the grand viva. So, I got worried sick about Anatomy again. And it was pretty bad too. We had revision practicals and they were definitely better than I thought they might go. But, its me, and I always seem to believe that I am the worst BJ can get, at Anat. Its not true, but its something that has stuck on, despite having decent practicals. So, I'm just relieved that its all over, and praying hard that I don't have to do it again. Physiology and Biochemistry practicals were good too. Biochemistry actually qualified for " Good", in the real sense of the word. They were not exciting, nothing out of the ordinary. Just simple, quiet practicals. It is another matter that we were all absolutely impatient to get over with it all and say " Finally, its OVER!"

So, I'm going to say: The last four months have been the toughest and I definitely do NOT want a re-run of them in the years to come. I've learnt my lesson and its time I start studying from day one....Not as seriously as " I've got exams tomorrow" , but serious enough to prevent blotchy entries in my diary saying " I've got exams tomorrow". We're told that first year is the toughest. I've just put a bit of it behind me. And wait for my results to make sure that all of it is behind me.

Till then, I've decided to catch up on sleep, books and 'time-pass' that I've sorely missed doing in the past few months. They have really shaped my life, and I find it hard to believe that I finally have free time!! So, I'm lazying around. And doing it well. Friends, family and books.....and a new " Learn to Drive A Car".....I've got almost nothing on my plate (compared to the past months)..... and am making the most out of it.

ONE YEAR

I am the kind of a person who believes in holding onto the goodness of the past. And, more so, certain special days. I look back at such days, read my diary entries and reflect. The happiness, the joy, the relief...whatever it might have been. I tend to feel those emotions again and simply live that day again.
I wonder why I do it. I've wondered a thousand times. I have never really been able to answer the question with anything apart from, " Because I am like that!" In many ways, I don't want to let go; don't want to really believe that the day no longer is as important as it was then. After all, do we do that with Birthdays? Or Anniversaries? Even Deaths are remembered. So why not the day when I got my Std. 10 result? Or the day I stepped into the real world? Or the day when Liverpool won the Champions' League? They are special to me. They are days I want to remember 50 years down the line. Because they mean something......and something special.

Thats hardly the introduction I would have wanted for this entry, but never mind. A long introduction always has its magic. Its June 14th, 2009. And today I celebrate the one year anniversary of my CET results. Its very strange calling this an 'anniversary'. So I guess I'm going to say, I celebrate one year since my results. One year since the day I realised that, all that sweat, and toil and ( using my favourite phrase, here) "working my ass off" had finally paid off. I was reserved a Government Medical College seat.....Something I had not thought, would happen to me, all during the time I was preparing for the entrance examination.
I can remember every moment of that morning. Contrary to my usual style, I got up half an hour later. At about 8:30am, instead of the normal 8:00am. Mom had just left for the hospital ( she had an early cataract to cater to). Dad was almost ready. And me? Well, I got up....sat for sometime thinking about the importance of the day, and then said " Chuck it..I don't really expect anything much!" and got out of bed. After all, not all morning dreams actually end up being real, do they?
We had been told that the results would be out by 11:00 am. So I took my time. Brushed my teeth, read the morning newspaper ( end to end, for a change) and decided to get dressed. All through, my dad continued like a stuck gramaphone record really, " Why don't you check your result? It must have come out by now. Come on....I know you want to do it yourself....Please!"
I have a routine. Everytime, I have to see any result, whether its an entrance test, or match score, I make sure I have nothing else left to do, before I sit to check it out. A bath, breakfast, getting my bed tidied up, getting my hair right, saying a small, "Please let it be what I want" to God, taking my Luck-pendant with me...everything.
I said to Dad, I'd do it at 11:00am, and well, I had to do everything else before it. I could sense the desperation and frustration and absolute irritation, in his eyes..... For all the times in the world when I had to stick to my 'routine'!!!
Finally, giving into his incessant nudging ( nagging, really), I decided to check it out at 10:00am. I said it wouldn't even be up on the net yet. The scheduled time was 11:00am. Well, as fate would have it, the result was there. Pretty much what I expected. I had expected a 176 out of 200. I got a 177 out of 200. What I didn't expect, was a rank as high as 545. It made me wonder for a bit. A score as low as 177 and a rank like 545!! Something is a little wrong here.
And, well, Mom came home and things cleared up. It had been a low-scoring test, unlike the previous year, and with 545, I was sure of a Government Medical seat. The rest of the day went by in a blur. Meeting my teachers, distributing laddoos, and smiling!! I had fallen in love with BJ Medical College, the first ever time I saw it. I always put that down to the fact that I was never going to get in there, anyway. But, now I actually had a chance!! I've always thought I have the tendency to perform much beyond my expectations. This was one of them. In a way.
Of course, I wasn't sure of the college I would be getting into, but I guess, celebrating a seat was enough. And we know the story now, don't we? I did get into BJ, and I have never been happier!!!!
So, to June 14th: the day that pretty much changed my life. I had, literally, trained myself to believe I wanted to get into an engineering college, till this day when I saw that 545. Just want to remember how wonderful the world started looking after that one look at the computer screen :-)))

PLs Begin!!

It has been months since I last wrote. Surprisingly, I had so much on my mind, I hardly ever sat down to enter it here. I have about an hour right now, so I thought I'd rectify the mistake of not being able to write.
February was just spent in getting ready for one of the biggest events of the year - " Convocation Ceremony - Batch 2003". It was the first of its kind to be held in BJ, as I have mentioned in my last entry, so we wanted to make it extra special. Having done nothing of this kind before, I can't describe how incredibly satisfying it was , to work on it all. Almost all the first-years, in the Organising committee, were a part of the Anchoring Committee. So we actually didn't have much to do to start off with. The matter to be spoken was one of the last things required, so we got involved into designing of the invitation cards and handing them over to the Guests of Honour, posting them to guests invited from outside the city and meeting the Chief Guests.
As a person, I have managed to learn a lot through it all. Not just team-work and doing all that you can for the greater good, but also evolving as a person. We had to talk to doctors, to their PRs, to a hundred people we didn't know, and would probably never see again. It was enlightening an experience, and I am looking forward to being a part of it all again next year.
The actual convocation ceremony was a Big hit. The interns loved it all, and we, the organising committee, enjoyed ourselves thoroughly, also knowing that it was our blood and sweat that had gone into making this such a grand and fine event. Add to that, the fact that I managed to wear a sari and manage it myself for about 5 hrs, is a success in itself.
The person incharge of it all, Charandeep Singh had told us that with the efforts we took, when we finally saw the output, the satisfaction we'd get would be equal to nothing like anything we had ever experienced before. And that was so true! Now a month down the line, when I look back, I know I did the right thing by being a part of it, and the feeling of completeness that I feel gooing through each and every moment of that evening can't be put into words.
Moving away from the Ceremony, we also had our Cultural week in college. We had a rose-day, a chocolate-day, a twin-day, the traditional day and a gang-day followed by a peace-day. College finally seemed like college then. It was definitely fun and frolic all through out that week. The pictures will definitely show.

Positive Vibes

Thats what I'm emitting today, according to a very close friend of mine, whom I met today. Interesting.....the positive vibes thing. And a little strange too. I have never looked at myself in that way....you know, the image that I portray of myself. Its very strange when somebody just tells you a hundred times that not only are you looking good, but you're also radiating something that is .., well, positivity!
I've been thinking about it a lot, and I guess the answer lies in the fact that life couldn't have been better for me; I have an amazing college, will definitely become a doctor, have an amazing trip of the USA coming up from Monday, have great friends, have an amazing family, have been blessed with more that I could ask for, have a great football club going great guns.......What more do I want to ask for??
And thats just it. I've always been a lover of life, one who would hold onto dear life for whatever its worth, simply because I consider the one gift that is more than anything else in this universe. So I just look at life the way it is and am happy the way it is presented to me. At the end of the day, the fact that you had that day for you is more important than how you spent it. And thats what I value. I couldn't care less about whether my day was bad or good, whether I managed to do all I had to or not, at the end of the day. I'm just thankful for the day and the opportunuties that it gave me or didn't give me. I'm alive and thats more important.
My principle of life has never failed me. I've come to terms with everything and anything. I'm just happy with what I have, and I guess today, the happiness of meeting an old friend translated on my face as Positive Vibes. She said that I've changed and for the better. The fact is, I know that. And I'm very thankful for that. Love Life. Thanks pal, for making me realise this. This entry is for you.