FREAKS

My wish for a smooth journey regarding the Ethics Committee certificate has been anything but heard. This journey actually has put into perspective every single notion I had about "for every good that happens, there is equal amount of bad". Because here, there has been bad, worse and worst.
As you already know, it started 3 days before my exams. I had to present my topic in front of an Ethics Committee, and they had a lot to say about it. Particularly, it was on gentleman from PSM, whom I took an instant dislike to. He wanted newly diagnosed cases. He felt there was nothing that could come out my project. Yet another gentleman wanted me to decide the severity of the disease using Glycosylated haemoglobin. I had enough trouble getting a simple Lipid Profile done. Where could I manage the Glycosylated Haemoglobin? Another issue was that I had already taken my cases. And I was NOT going to take new ones. A nagging thought during all this process was, "Why have they asked me to present my project any way? They never do it for the ICMR!" At that time I decided that I'd just listen to whatever they said and go back and study.
Part 2 of this saga began on Friday (30th June) when I was told that I needed to make the changes or I wouldn't get the certificate. I talked to a teacher on the Committee, told her that my project had been selected as it was, and I had already done most of the work. She told me to meet the HoD (although I wasn't aware that this guy had become the HoD. The previous HoD had been transferred which I did not know). This new HoD was on Medical Leave. I decided to go and try on Tuesday. When I found out that even on Tuesday, he was still on Medical Leave, I decided to go and let my Guide know what all had happened. He told me to give him a copy of my proposal and told me he'd talk to the concerned people and let me know. I felt that things would get into motion now.
Part 3 of the saga occurred today. I got a call from the Pharmac Department office. On going there, I was told that I had been asked to call the new HoD. The lady told me that he and my Guide had talked to each other, and now I was supposed to talk to him. When I did talk to him, I was shocked and shattered. With anger, frustration, depression and unhappiness. He had the following things to say:
1. Why did you present your topic if it was an ICMR one?
Sir, I was told by the lady in your office that I had to. I told her that I hadn't heard of this happening to anybody before. She told me she had been told to ask me to, and she was just passing on the message.
2. You should've objected then.
How could I, Sir? You are all Professors. I thought the whole Committee had looked into my project and decided that I needed to present it. How I refuse or even object to it? Wouldn't that have been rude?
3. You have already started your work, it seems.
Yes Sir, I got a Provisional Certificate before. So I started.
4. You got a certificate before the meeting? That is not right. It is illegal to get a certificate before the meeting gets through.
Sir, I had missed the previous date of your meeting. So I asked my Guide and even in the office here, and they said I could get such a certificate. And the previous HoD went through my proposal and then issued a certificate.
5. How can one person issue such a certificate on behalf of the whole committee without even talking to them?
I do not know that, Sir. Since he said that there was no problem with getting such a certificate, I started with the work as soon as I got it.
He laughs...."This is not right. I don't understand what lengths you people go to. Look I don't have a problem with your project, but Dr. R--- does. I just don't like that provisional certificate."
What should I do then, Sir? What should I do with the project and my cases?
He laughs again...I'll talk to your Guide and let you know.

I just can't understand how unlucky this project is. Every single step that I've taken has been wrought with trouble and complications. It is so amazing that a person like me can get involved in so many issues. This HoD knows my parents, has taught them in fact. In my second year, I went to him to get some advice on how to study for the PG Entrance exams....at that time he talked as if I had already started classes with him. I didn't go back again. Is that why he's creating these problems? Did I hurt his ego? And seriously, if the previous Head gave me a certificate, big deal!! Why can't he just not let this newfound 'I'm-the HoD' ego not create problems for students? And for heavens sake, the ICMR selected this project. The INDIAN COUNCIL OF MEDICAL RESEARCH. A body that controls and encourages research from all over the COUNTRY. If they did not have a problem, what problem do these people have? May be this HoD was right. I shouldn't have presented my project only. I'd have invited their anger at the beginning only and not had to go through all this drama.
FREAKS. All of them. FREAKS. 

Finish at the Start

The terminals got over. Four days of disaster. And weeks of disaster before that. After things get done, I can't believe that I actually went through it all when I look back.
A week back, I was telling myself, "One week from now and you shall be done!! You'll then be able to let the demons of exam stress rest a bit." Then the realisation that time doesn't go at lightning speed dawned on me. I knew I had to get through the whole week, being aware of each and every moment and what I did at each single time. The whole process has been exhausting. This should seem unfair because last year, at this time of the year, we were taking exams in Medicine, Surgery, Obs-Gynae, Paediatrics, Ophthalmology, ENT and PSM with practicals in 4 of those subjects. That was supposed to be the exhausting one. It lasted two whole weeks and seemed like a lifetime. At the end of it, I was happy that I got through it, almost unhurt :-)
This year, however, these 4 days have been torturous. Since the time May dawned, I have realised that I do take stress. And that eats into my sleep. Big time. I may go to sleep around 11, but I shall always get up between 3:30 and 4:30 pm. I don't even need an alarm. It just happens. And these few days during the exams, I have had to deal with just that. By the time my last paper came (Paediatrics), I wasn't even in the mood to study during the time I was awake, let alone get up early. I managed it, however. Telling myself that this was the last paper played a huge role in this endeavour. When those last three hours came, I couldn't write fast enough to get it all over with. When it actually did, realisation of the end swept into me. I had lots of things to look forward to. All my cousins, uncle and aunt are in India, and now, in their last week of stay, I finally have time to spend with them. My eldest cousin left for the US yesterday, so once the paper got over, I spent the evening catching up with him. Everyone appreciated how I still had the energy to have a kick in my step and bounce around everywhere when I came back home.
A few hours later though, the consequences of my escapades of the past few days started creeping in. I was tired. And now I felt it. My dinner was as good as not eaten and I just wanted to get into bed and sleep. Maybe hibernate for a few days. When we came back home from the restuarant, I couldn't even get my self to change. It felt like now that I had the time to just sit and not think, my mind decided to react to the pain and injury inflicted by the tedious examination timetable. When you get a swollen knee or something, as long as you ignore it, it doesn't affect you. The moment your attention wanders towards it, it gives you that first stab of pain and then follows the saga of injury. I went through the same thing.
Even today, 2 days after the exams have gotten over, I'm feeling the stress and the exhaustion. I had lots of things planned. I have to meet up with my friends, get my room cleaned, make a timetable for the next three months, start with my project work, spend some quality time with my grandparents, write my diary (haven't written in months). But, I can only sit in one place and stare (mostly into the TV). I don't feel like getting up and taking a bath either. It is the one thing I have to push myself in every way and do.
Talking about my To-Do list reminds me, my project just doesn't stop giving me problems. Three days before my examination began, I had to present my topic before the Ethics Committee of our College. I was sorely pissed. I was way behind my timetable and I did not have a minute to spare. They expected me to spare 2 whole hours for that stupid meeting. And then, they had so many comments to make, and so many changes to suggest, I felt like I had been asked to come there to provide them with some academic entertainment. At that time, the result was the least of my worries. I just wanted to go and study. Yesterday, I had to go to college to get my brother's Admission brochure. I thought I'd go and ask about the status of my certificate. They told me I should get the changes done to get it certified with the committee. I told that Professor that it wasn't possible for me to do that. It had been selected for the ICMR just the way that it was, and I had to it that way itself. And, since I had already got a provisional certificate from the committee, I had already begun the work. I just had to get it all done in the way I had presented it. She told me that I had to go and talk to the Head of the Committee.
I can't believe how 'lucky' I am. Since the very start of this project, I have had nothing but problems. It is amazing how much trouble you can have with a 2 month research project in your own college. You end up wondering if it all is even worth it! And, if the ICMR selected this project out of the many entries they got from all over the country, I'm sure they thought it was worth whatever I had written. That body is way more deeply into research than an Ethics Committee in any college. If they didn't have a problem, why should these people? I guess Monday will tell now. Lets hope I get a solution out of this whole mess..    

A Medicine Disaster Story

Me - At the BEGINNING of the Medicine  Posting

Me - MID-WAY through the Posting

Me - 2-3 days BEFORE the Term End  Examination

I write today, having emerged from a vicious battle; a battle that left me feeling thwarted and scarred; a battle which made me question the very reason I was put in there; a battle which gave me sniff of victory early on, only to take it far far away at the end.

Good evening, dear Readers, welcome to the post-term end report of the Medicine Term-end.

The past week has put forth shocks at the speed of, well, not light...at the speed of sound. It all started on Monday. I decided to go for the OPD after 2 whole weeks of staying out of it. I am a pretty sincere student, so I was feeling really guilty for not having attended it, in the previous two weeks. I reached the OPD and there came 

Shock No. 1 :Our not-so-down-to-earth Chief Resident had LOST HIS VOICE!! Ok, so a few words about this guy. He loves to talk. In fact, there isn't a second when he won't talk. He is a mountain of knowledge, but doesn't    complement that with much humility. He teaches really well, too, but wastes time in between. And - what irritates me most- he loves to be on great terms with the teachers, usually at the students' expense. I simply hate it when these residents make it their job to trash students. We're supposed to be little children. Treat us with care and love, will you!

So, this guy had lost his voice. It didn't stop him talking, but yeah, the load had reduced. It was funny and sad. Funny, because his voice was really gone, and it was nice to see him helpless for once :-p Sad, because, he wouldn't really be able to teach, and because, I pity every single person who gets a sore throat.

Shock No. 2 : He knew my NAME and RANK STATUS in my class!! I know I've done well in the past, but that simply doesn't put me on the map, right? Here I was, standing in the OPD, regretting every single moment for coming, and enjoying every single moment for hearing that funny voice. Out of nowhere, when I answer wrong, he says. " Why are you answering like that? Aren't you the topper??" Wow. The guy gets his information and how! I was pleased, yes ( I agree I don't have a lot of humility inside of me), but I was flabbergasted at the same time. How in the world did that happen?? And on top of that, he took my NAME.  Oh my God! Now he knew me. Any chance of being unnoticed went out of that OPD door.

Shock No. 3 : I know no ECGs. ECGs have evoked that Phobia system in my brain. Due to the miraculously perfect functioning of this system, I get Phobias of things very very easily. Stuff like the darkness (unless I can see the dark sky studded with its diamond stars), lizards, heights, certain chapters in Maths, Physics, FMT, Biostats and the newest addition - ECGs, freaks me out immensely. The fact that nobody really taught us ECG properly put together with another fact that almost everyone in class and in my batch could read ECGs pretty well, just multiplied that problem. Our tutor did teach us ECGs, but fact is that the patterns shown in books are never really seen in practice thanks to the machine-related errors. ECG- reading also requires practice, which I do not do, because I am so phobic about the whole thing. As the week went by, I started having panic attacks. I did not have the time to read the book and practice reading 100 ECGs and the ECG was worth 5 whole marks. Knowing me, you know how particular I am about each and every mark.

Shock No. 4 : I develop a sore throat and severe Sinusitis with GI symptoms too...Swine Flu?? This was the biggest scare of them all. The lingering thought in my mind that any day, I could end up in the hospital, ate up a lot of the tension related to my term-end, but brought on newer and bigger problems. I had taken the vaccine, you know. I have also gotten sick a lot of time since then. However, this time, the clinical features of Swine Flu have changed and it is now associated with GI symptoms. Also, I have spent a lot of time in SGH, with no mask and the place has loads of suspects. So I couldn't think of anything else. It turned out to be baseless and stupid any way. The GI symptoms went off in a day. I am healthy as a pony (I won't say horse, because I am on the thinner and smaller side) right now. Scary, though.

Shock No. 5 : We find our new CR ( not the one from Shock No. 1) taking our term end instead of Kadam Sir. WTH!!
The tradition is that if Dr. Kadam is present, he takes the Vivas of the first and the last groups. We were the first. It was known and expected by all that we would have to face him. In fact, the three of us were waiting for that moment. We have had the experience of his Viva last year. To say it in one word - SATISFACTION. Agreed, he asks his own set of questions. They make you think, and they follow a logical pattern. More importantly, he leads you on. There aren't hints as such, but he puts you on the right track. You learn too. Ultimately, even if you haven't been able to rattle off all that you know, you are satisfied because you have managed to wriggle yourself out of his Viva in a good way. That feeling can only be felt. No words will describe that feeling.
Having been there once, we knew we were in a good, if not, better position to face him. Disappointment showed on all our faces when that CR walked up to us. If he had been nice, it may not have mattered. What can you do, when every answer of yours is shot down with a big "NO", before you even complete it? And who can calm you down when you say something you know is correct and the reaction is , "Are you writing a new chapter of CNS?! Hahahahaha!!! You know nothing!" This misnomer of a Viva continued for half an hour. It ended with all of three of us telling him we did not like Medicine and we were NOT interested in doing it. The look on his face was worth it. We had taken such a wonderful case and he ruined our moment of pride. There is no way I am even going to look at him again, let alone, talk to him. The end result was that, we didn't really warm up for the Univ exams, we didn't get to know questions that we may face later on, we did not learn anything new, our old knowledge was laughed upon and our morale related to CNS and Medicine wasn't just broken; it was ground into microscopic little pieces that we can't even put together. Oh, and yes, it made me decide I shall not take up Medicine. I would take it up if my life depended on it, but then I know I am strong enough not to be faced with such a choice.

Me - AFTER the Term-End examination
"I will not rest until I have had my stomach's fill."

This disaster wasn't foreseen, especially after a nice table Viva in which I could identify and read the ECG and the X-Rays and even talk about the instruments and drugs. I hope I don't face such an episode any time in the future. I am not made of wood, and a repeat of that term-end will not leave me stronger than before. It will just add to the misery.

Over the weekend, I have healed my wounds. I start afresh today. We have Orthopaedics Posting now and I aim to finish reading the book once at least. I completed two chapters today so I know I am going to manage this.

Exam Time - 1

Anatomy was bad. I won't spend much time describing my feelings when I saw the paper. The gist of it all is simply that yesterday, I realised what people mean when they say that medical is vast, and that anatomy is never easy. I can't believe that I studied as much as I did for a paper which turned out to be a disaster really. I might just pass, but failing looks like a more dependable option here.
Physiology was good. It was as different as as it could be from the Anatomy paper, and I felt so COOL looking at the paper and realising that I could actually choose which answers to write and which not, because almost all of them! I am definitely passing in this one. The only way I can fail in here, is if they're way to strict about the checking.
Biochem up next. I'm studying for it, hope things will work out well. Good Nite!!