Crazy Worry

February has begun, and now that dreaded countdown begins. As I sit and think now, I realize that it is worse to wait for the result than to wait for the examination that gives rise to that result. As much as I live for exams, with the passage of time, I have only become weaker and weaker in handling the stress of that result. Is that a part of growing up? Or is it my B12 defc acting up? Or is this simply me finally shedding my cool-as-a-cucumber image and going the Type A personality way? No idea.

When I look back over the past 4 years and my reactions to my result, they have been interesting in a way. First year, I had no clue. Absolutely no clue. I was out choosing tiles for our new home (yeah, imagine all my colour-coordination and artistic thoughts being sqashed by “YOUR RESULTS HAVE ARRIVED”). It was a shock, but since I wasn’t going anywhere near a computer for the next 2 hours at least, I was able to be myself when I finally laid my hands on the computer. Phew. That was my scariest result, because there was a danger I was going to fail Anatomy. I did not. Yay!!

Second year, I was at home, down with an upset stomach, watching my favourite event- ICC Cricket World Cup, 2011. It was my favourite match – Aus Vs Nz. It was a nice day, Aus was doing so well, they’d gotten NZ out for an under 200 score (I think around 161). When I watch cricket, I’m usually far away from my cellphone, which was precisely the case at that time too. Messages went unnoticed,  phone calls too. I still don’t know what made me go and check my cellphone to have my friends calling and telling me my big news- that I’d topped. I’m not going into the details of that day. I was unprepared and that helped me keep my cool a little.

Third Minor year was when I lost it. I did. It was the pressure of that second year result, and I lost it. Today, looking back, I don’t know what else I could have done to get more marks, but I wasn’t happy about my result and that day does not stand as one of my happy days. When I started studying after that, I thought that the pressure to top was off me, now that I’d relinquished that throne. In fact, during my I-don’t-care-a-damn moments, I don’t have that pressure at all. But, ever since February started, those nice moments have been few.

I end up thinking about all the things that went wrong in all those practicals, all the ways I could have managed to cram up my timetable more than I managed, all the luck I could have had in the world if I’d just tried harder (Have I mentioned that I believe in the philosophy “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”? I think I have mentioned it before in one of my posts). It hurts. This feeling of inadequacy hurts. I know I could not possibly have done any more than I managed. I know that my efforts are good enough to get me my MBBS degree. I also happen to know that my parents are going to me incredibly proud of me for finishing this course in a sane manner.

And I also know a few things about myself:

1.       I’ve become greedy. You’ve shown me that coveted Rank 1 once. Now I keep wanting it again. Even when I know, I don’t deserve it.

2.       I may say that marks don’t matter, but damn you, they DO. A lot.

3.       I don’t really care about other people’s marks, but then I do care about them any way. Especially a few ‘special’ people.

4.       I just know that my marksheet is never going to live up to my expectations. The only reason for that anomaly is that my expectations are tall mountains the height of Everest, and the effort I put it, just about scales the local hill in my city.

5.       Even 10 years down the line, I’ll always look back on these undergraduate years and decide which year was best according to the marks I scored in that examination. So, first year is the worst, 2^nd the best and the two parts of final year still have to decide their places. I won’t look at all the things I managed to do, all the fun I had, all the friends I made, all the gossip I shared, all the quarrels I had. No, it’ll be those marks and that marks-covered glass through which I will view these 4.5 years.

I’m shit nervous right now. And this nervousness will only increase. The tentative date currently is 28^th Feb. Lucky me, I have my Basic Life Support training course on that day. It is going to last for 8 whole hours. So, I shall not be very close to my cell phone. In fact, I think I’ll change a few settings on my phone, so that I can only answer my family phone calls and messages. The rest of the world will be blocked, until I am ready to show my face to that world. You know, they say you’re whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. My whole undergraduate course flashes before my eyes, when I look at those marksheets; also, some decent memories from before my BJ years. All my achievements flash before my eyes. And that is good enough to make me look at that marksheet and be depressed for the rest of the day.

Dear God, give me strength. 

Hmm, First Day Revisited

So a year back, today, I put my first foot into BJ, on my first day. To be truthful, I was shit scared, dead nervous and halleluva worried about going there, a college filled with seniors ( read: authority to rag), meeting about 190 new faces, and ( as I'm accustomed to do) judge a lot of the new people I saw, deciding who to mix with and who not. Don't get me wrong, I'm not very biased or snobbish or arrogant or anything. But, a little bit of it is there in every individual, and I am quite frank about what I think. So, yes, I do tend to be judgemental, and get biased against a person if he squashes his first chance.
It is one of my primary shortcomings, I think. Something that forces me to take time to open up to people and mix around. But, hey, this entry isn't about my character study. Its about my first day.
I didn't go to college today. I probably should have, with the importance of this day and blah, blah, blah.... I just didn't want to. So I have missed out on my first look at the Juniors ( I'm finally a Senior!!!! Its relieving. I can actually look around and talk about people younger to me.).
And it is some look, that. Of course, knowing us ( me and my group of friends), we probably won't go around hunting for a group of 'localite' first years, ready to give our lecture on life in BJ. At least, the girls won't. And I already know some of them, so if they need anything, they'll just hunt me down ( not that we need to hunt people down. Just wait in the Lobby, and you'll have familiar faces walking around you.).
You know, my first day in BJ was BORING. Nothing happened, really.....and reading my entry of 1st August, 2008, I didn't feel very excited either. So, lets hope that these people have a better first day, and don't come to hate us, like we hate some of our immediate seniors.
Best of Luck guys, I'm sure BJ is going to be as great a home to you as it has been to me, in the past one year. :-)

4 Days For The Seminar

I know it sounds strange, but I'm more worried about the seminar than my abdomen submission, which happens to be on the same day. But I guess, when I take something really seriously, I do get worked up.
The presentation has turned out beautifully. Its actually what I wanted it to be, when I gave my name for the seminar. All thanks to my Mom, who's converted my average presentation into a delight to read, watch and teach. I'll never say this to her, but she's actually done something I can never thank her for enough. She's given yet another instance to say," You're the GREATEST Mom in the world!" Thanks a ton! I know how much work she has, and yet she can come up with time to sit and turn my presentation into what I wanted it to be. And look at me, after all the 2 o'clock nights that I put in, I came up with something that did need fine tuning. Any way, at least its done, and I'm sure it won't bore people to death.
We had revision of all the microscopic physiology pracs today. I just couldn't bring myself to prick me, and when i did, well, I simply had to do it all again. Its so wierd. Only on sunday was I thinking of how I'd managed to prick myself months back, when now, I couldn't even think of putting a pin on my skin. And hey presto!, the entire package just came up!! Well, as happens every time, my ring finger is blue-black again, and pains at a slight touch. And I'm pretty disgusted with myself and the teachers. Will definitely be glad when all this gets over.

Submission II

And it finally happened. To turn out to be the worst I could expect it to be. I wasn't exactly nervous like last time, with a blanched white face and cold palms; may be thats what was the matter. But then I thought I was more prepared than last time, so I thought it was natural not to get all that worried. Any way, I didn't recognise the Median nerve and totally lost it on action of Brachialis which I said was flexion at shoulder joint instead of elbow joint. I got a 12 and well, I've failed. I'm not too worried about it, 'coz the marks are wrong. I mean, I definitely deserved a 15 at least, so I blame the teacher. Don't have to mention it, but I hate him. Can't stand him at all, thank God our batch teacher changes from tomorrow.
After coming back from college, we went to order the Bathroom tiles and by the time we came back, Mom and I were dead tired. And Mom had to go and see 5 more patients. I really admire the stamina these people have, Mom and Dad. Cudos!
Gotta sleep. One main job done, two to go......and then USA!!!