A Medicine Disaster Story

Me - At the BEGINNING of the Medicine  Posting

Me - MID-WAY through the Posting

Me - 2-3 days BEFORE the Term End  Examination

I write today, having emerged from a vicious battle; a battle that left me feeling thwarted and scarred; a battle which made me question the very reason I was put in there; a battle which gave me sniff of victory early on, only to take it far far away at the end.

Good evening, dear Readers, welcome to the post-term end report of the Medicine Term-end.

The past week has put forth shocks at the speed of, well, not light...at the speed of sound. It all started on Monday. I decided to go for the OPD after 2 whole weeks of staying out of it. I am a pretty sincere student, so I was feeling really guilty for not having attended it, in the previous two weeks. I reached the OPD and there came 

Shock No. 1 :Our not-so-down-to-earth Chief Resident had LOST HIS VOICE!! Ok, so a few words about this guy. He loves to talk. In fact, there isn't a second when he won't talk. He is a mountain of knowledge, but doesn't    complement that with much humility. He teaches really well, too, but wastes time in between. And - what irritates me most- he loves to be on great terms with the teachers, usually at the students' expense. I simply hate it when these residents make it their job to trash students. We're supposed to be little children. Treat us with care and love, will you!

So, this guy had lost his voice. It didn't stop him talking, but yeah, the load had reduced. It was funny and sad. Funny, because his voice was really gone, and it was nice to see him helpless for once :-p Sad, because, he wouldn't really be able to teach, and because, I pity every single person who gets a sore throat.

Shock No. 2 : He knew my NAME and RANK STATUS in my class!! I know I've done well in the past, but that simply doesn't put me on the map, right? Here I was, standing in the OPD, regretting every single moment for coming, and enjoying every single moment for hearing that funny voice. Out of nowhere, when I answer wrong, he says. " Why are you answering like that? Aren't you the topper??" Wow. The guy gets his information and how! I was pleased, yes ( I agree I don't have a lot of humility inside of me), but I was flabbergasted at the same time. How in the world did that happen?? And on top of that, he took my NAME.  Oh my God! Now he knew me. Any chance of being unnoticed went out of that OPD door.

Shock No. 3 : I know no ECGs. ECGs have evoked that Phobia system in my brain. Due to the miraculously perfect functioning of this system, I get Phobias of things very very easily. Stuff like the darkness (unless I can see the dark sky studded with its diamond stars), lizards, heights, certain chapters in Maths, Physics, FMT, Biostats and the newest addition - ECGs, freaks me out immensely. The fact that nobody really taught us ECG properly put together with another fact that almost everyone in class and in my batch could read ECGs pretty well, just multiplied that problem. Our tutor did teach us ECGs, but fact is that the patterns shown in books are never really seen in practice thanks to the machine-related errors. ECG- reading also requires practice, which I do not do, because I am so phobic about the whole thing. As the week went by, I started having panic attacks. I did not have the time to read the book and practice reading 100 ECGs and the ECG was worth 5 whole marks. Knowing me, you know how particular I am about each and every mark.

Shock No. 4 : I develop a sore throat and severe Sinusitis with GI symptoms too...Swine Flu?? This was the biggest scare of them all. The lingering thought in my mind that any day, I could end up in the hospital, ate up a lot of the tension related to my term-end, but brought on newer and bigger problems. I had taken the vaccine, you know. I have also gotten sick a lot of time since then. However, this time, the clinical features of Swine Flu have changed and it is now associated with GI symptoms. Also, I have spent a lot of time in SGH, with no mask and the place has loads of suspects. So I couldn't think of anything else. It turned out to be baseless and stupid any way. The GI symptoms went off in a day. I am healthy as a pony (I won't say horse, because I am on the thinner and smaller side) right now. Scary, though.

Shock No. 5 : We find our new CR ( not the one from Shock No. 1) taking our term end instead of Kadam Sir. WTH!!
The tradition is that if Dr. Kadam is present, he takes the Vivas of the first and the last groups. We were the first. It was known and expected by all that we would have to face him. In fact, the three of us were waiting for that moment. We have had the experience of his Viva last year. To say it in one word - SATISFACTION. Agreed, he asks his own set of questions. They make you think, and they follow a logical pattern. More importantly, he leads you on. There aren't hints as such, but he puts you on the right track. You learn too. Ultimately, even if you haven't been able to rattle off all that you know, you are satisfied because you have managed to wriggle yourself out of his Viva in a good way. That feeling can only be felt. No words will describe that feeling.
Having been there once, we knew we were in a good, if not, better position to face him. Disappointment showed on all our faces when that CR walked up to us. If he had been nice, it may not have mattered. What can you do, when every answer of yours is shot down with a big "NO", before you even complete it? And who can calm you down when you say something you know is correct and the reaction is , "Are you writing a new chapter of CNS?! Hahahahaha!!! You know nothing!" This misnomer of a Viva continued for half an hour. It ended with all of three of us telling him we did not like Medicine and we were NOT interested in doing it. The look on his face was worth it. We had taken such a wonderful case and he ruined our moment of pride. There is no way I am even going to look at him again, let alone, talk to him. The end result was that, we didn't really warm up for the Univ exams, we didn't get to know questions that we may face later on, we did not learn anything new, our old knowledge was laughed upon and our morale related to CNS and Medicine wasn't just broken; it was ground into microscopic little pieces that we can't even put together. Oh, and yes, it made me decide I shall not take up Medicine. I would take it up if my life depended on it, but then I know I am strong enough not to be faced with such a choice.

Me - AFTER the Term-End examination
"I will not rest until I have had my stomach's fill."

This disaster wasn't foreseen, especially after a nice table Viva in which I could identify and read the ECG and the X-Rays and even talk about the instruments and drugs. I hope I don't face such an episode any time in the future. I am not made of wood, and a repeat of that term-end will not leave me stronger than before. It will just add to the misery.

Over the weekend, I have healed my wounds. I start afresh today. We have Orthopaedics Posting now and I aim to finish reading the book once at least. I completed two chapters today so I know I am going to manage this.

Questions

Our HoU has a smart way of training us into doctors. He has allotted each of us undergraduate students a bed in our Ward. We have to go talk to our patients, ask them for their histories, examine them, and follow them up throughout the time that they are admitted. The moment they get discharged, a new patient gets admitted and the same routine continues.

In the past one month, I’ve only had two patients on the bed allotted to me. Initially, we did not take this allotment that seriously, so I didn’t really talk to the first patient. The few times that I did, I just got a superficial history, nothing more. No, it is the second patient that has made me speculate about the seriousness of becoming a doctor.

To cut things short, this patient has Pneumonia and is a known case of Acute Kidney Injury. The first time I met him, he looked pretty bad. A 60 yr old, coughing incessantly, with a Central line and other tubings put, doesn’t cut a very bright picture. I had a long conversation with his son, who was giving me the history. It included a lot of questions from my side regarding the case, and a lot of questions from his side, regarding the overall prognosis and the future implications.

I have to say, it made me think a great deal. Here was this 40 yr old man asking me, if his father would survive and how long. I, who for all practical purposes, myself, did not know how severe the disease was, had to answer the most important question that a patient can ask a doctor. Such a situation only makes me wonder how brave we have to be, to take up such a responsibility.

I’ve just heard that, ultimately, doctors deal with living beings, so the job is tough. But, we are humans too. How in the world can we just take up the responsibility of deciding how long another of the same kind will live? Patients believe in us. The internet and sophisticated instruments may have made patients more aware, but ultimately they trust us. How strong do we need to be mentally to be able to return that trust?

I told that man pretty nicely that his father would live long in the right precautions were taken. However, when I was going back, I kept asking myself, how was I to know that there was even a need for those precautions? What if that patient was already way past gone? What if I was just giving his son a false ray of hope? Who was I to even pass a small judgment on another fellow?

For such a question, is there even an answer? Even studying all the books on a particular disease will not be able to give me enough power to believe in what I’m saying. If I can’t believe what I’m telling the patient, how can I expect him to believe it? When the patient does believe it, I want to simply shout out to him that I’m not good enough, and he shouldn’t take my word for it.

Such thoughts are scary. Today, I have people above me. Tomorrow, there won’t be any. At such a time, I will need to raise myself up to a level, where I shall get a good night sleep and not worry about whether I have given the right advice to my patients. Self-belief is the toughest to get. When it is a person like me, the task simply gets worse.

The questions that torment me, today, are going to torment me for sometime. After all, I’m not a genius at Medicine. I just hope to strive hard towards being able to answer them. In doing so, I know I shall be able to be what I want to be.

A GOOD DOCTOR.

Good Job!!

I won the TB Quiz held on account of World Tuberculosis Day (24th March)!! I'd paired up with a friend of mine and we won!! I got my first trophy from BJ Medical College :-) We topped the elimination round and then won by a comfortable 20 points :-) Our score was 65 and the team, that came 2nd, got 45. I felt so freaking AWESOME!!
I'd been telling myself I should've studied a little more. That thought became even more loud when I saw the number of teams participating. You may want to call me a little dumb here, but I really believe that there a few people who are better off than I am, when it comes to MCQs and one line answers. Fact is, I really believe that whatever I have scored academically, has been on the basis of my neat paper- writing and diagrams. I don't figure much when it comes to odd things you need to know for Quizzes. So, my friend and I saw the people who'd arrived and we told ourselves that we didn't really have a chance. We were going to do this for the heck of it.
The people who know me, will understand when I say, I can't go unprepared for anything where there is supposed to be a competition. So, I did read up Microbiology and PSM, but it was nowhere close to what I'd expected myself to manage in the past week. We were prepared to watch the other teams take centre-stage. Going through the elimination paper, I knew we stood a chance. But, you can never hope for too much. We knew we'd made mistakes, especially after the answers were discussed. It was, therefore, a major surprise to hear that we had topped the Elimination :-)) I was delighted because that meant I got a certificate (I have an obsession for them...they are going to help me in the future, strengthen my CV, so I am obsessed with them).
The Quiz rounds were pretty ok. We were team C, and unfortunately, we had a lot of statistical questions regarding TB. I can proudly say though, my logic and my love Micro and Patho, got us through. I could answer a lot of questions. That was very comforting :-)
The best part was yet to come though. The rapid fire round has always gotten me a little nervous. It is a make or break round in a quiz. This time, however, it was a Make round for us. We answered the maximum number of questions correctly (5/10), compared to the rest of the teams, and we won!! After the announcement of the scores, they brought out trophies!! Now that was the best part. I had won a trophy! Since I'm a big sports fan, winning a trophy is like the ultimate winning for me. I have grown up watching the Pontings and Nadals lift those trophies...I've always wished I could do the same. This time, I've gotten the opportunity :-)) Yay!!
I just have to take this moment and say, "I ROCK!!" Things have been going well. Our Islet Cell Transplantation Symposium will be on Saturday. As much as I love what we have done, I'm just concerned about the certificate. It is a busy week... We also have a Surgery Term-end on Saturday. Add on the Medicine posting...We're given threats of been thrown back into the Unit we were supposed to be posted in, initially, if we don't do serious studying. Really!! Times have changed..It's not like we aren't interested. Sometimes, you gotta understand that although there is interest, there isn't enough material. Tomorrow, possibly, Kadam Sir would be taking a clinic. I can only cross my fingers and hope it goes well...
Apart for studying, we also have to deal with ego issues of the concerned teachers. The life of a Medical Student is worth making a film on. There is everything...it almost prepares you for everything you may have to deal with later in life - buttering people up, saving people's lives, running after people for ages to get your work done, taking the hard way, taking a shortcut, deal with heartaches and excessive happiness...everything...phew!! I'll just go back to reminiscing that wonderful Quiz on Monday...:-))

A Test in Medicine and a Test in English

This Medicine posting hasn't yet shown its true colours. I still haven't been able to decide whether being posted in the Kadam Unit is a boon or a curse. We have finished with one week of posting now. In this past one week, we have managed to take cases related to all four systems - CVS, RS, CNS, GIT. I think the CVS case was well-taken. We managed to finish the entire case that day. An achievement, actually. I presented the RS case to Kadam Sir yesterday. I was pretty freaked out about the whole thing, but the Indian trait of impunctuality helped calm my nerves down. It got too much in the end, because I had to wait a whole 2 hours before he came. However, Kadam Sir is Kadam Sir. His teaching is just way too awesome to crib much about :-) And, it is a real morale booster to be able to present a case to him and not have to hear him criticise you.
The patient I had, was very testing. But, the moment I put myself into his shoes, I could understand why. A 60 year old sick gentleman doesn't want people coming and poking him all the time. Especially after 2 weeks of having been through the same thing. I'm sorry sir for all the trouble I gave you. I do hope I do good for the pains that you and I both endured during past two days.
The whole case isn't complete yet. We only finished till General Examination of the patient. The moment Kadam Sir said,"I think we'll stop now. We'll continue on tuesday", I was a little disappointed. Keeping the patient in SGH till Tuesday is going to be quite a task. He will again have to be convinced to come to another ward, have people examine him...I'm already feeling sorry for both of us.
Yesterday was Gudi Padva, the beginning of the New Year according to the Hindu Calendar. I had a good day actually. The case went fine. I mananged to go and meet my grandparents for a few hours. It is such a beautiful feeling to have them pamper you, even for just those few hours. You can just forget that you've grown up, and go back to those sweet memories of childhood:-)
My TOEFL score came yesterday. I don't think I'd written in my previous posts that I was going to take the Test. I did. I want to keep my options open for my USMLE preparation. Taking the TOEFL and applying for Electives is the first step. My score is 118/120. Isn't that AWESOME?? I know there's no use flaunting my score, but I feel incredibly proud of myself. I'd given myself 3 weeks to study. I only managed like a week of studying. But, that week, being me, I studied only for the TOEFL. People say there's no need to really study for it. I believe, though, that you need to prepare for everything properly. It doesn't matter whether the test is small or big. I couldn't prepare as much as I would have liked to. So that score is a pleasant surprise.
The score means that my school did a good job of teaching me English. The score also indicates that I'm not as pathetic in the language as I think I am. Just because I don't write as much as I used to, in school, I haven't lost my flair completely. It is a boost of confidence really. I am really proud of my English skills. In past few years, since I joined Med School, I haven't been able to use my skills as much as I want to. That made me feel really inadequate, you know. After all, language is my strength.
The TOEFL has proved that I'm not as bad as I think :-) My Mom was on top of the world. Simply, because I told her 2 days before the Test, that I was taking the test, and she didn't really know whether I'd even studied properly or not. I love doing such things. Seeing that smile on my parents' faces, gives me satisfaction and a great night's sleep. What else can a Daughter want??:-)