Complications

So, when you step into 2nd year, you see the reality. You move into the clinical side of your course. A walk through the hospital becomes a regular feature of your hours in college, and perhaps, many, after college too. You see people, up close. And you see the pain, the tears or the simple resignation on faces. Suddenly, medicine finally starts living up to the name it has always had: Human.

Medicine is not about books. Its not about having to read 1000 pages of information, to cram into your head. It is all about using that information to do some good to your patients. To people like you. To humans.

In our first year, we're taught about the basics. We're taught about things happening at cellular levels, some reactions happening in the body all the while long throughout life, stuff found in exact locations of the body. We never encounter the real world. It is truly 'college' that we experience during this time. We take a big step, when we move onto Clinical Examination in Physiology. But, at that time, its just a practical. And on people who are, in the end, healthy. Frankly, we didn't even get the point of doing it all, when we'de come up observations that described in many adjectives, the word "normal".

But, doing it all, on a real patient, who is NOT healthy, is scary to say the least. And that is where the fear comes into play. I've been to some of the operations that my dad performed, and, everytime, I'm awed by the simplicity with which he works. A simplicity which has come after years of experience. And I end up wondering, "Will I ever even reach this place?" I think about having to put in RTs, catheters,c entral lines in a few years, maybe months, and I shudder at the thought. Because, I'm rigged down by doubts. "Will I be able to do at least that?", keeps playing on in my mind.

And, I realise, what Atul Gawande has talked about so well in his book, Complications. Its frightening the first time. But you learn. Yes, at the cost of the patient's health, but you do. And in the end, its all for a better doctor to help in the future. All the doubts, young to-be-doctors have, have been so well discussed by him, its really like reading my own mind. I do feel the need to answer those questions. But the point is, there are no answers. Because, unless you get out there and handle situations on your own, you're never going to make it.

I'm still reading the book, and I'm trying to stick to the central story here ( but I never do). I'll obviously have more to say, as I move ahead with the book, and a lot more, when I face those fears myself.

It is, two more days, and back at college. I'm waiting for it, but, there is an end-of-holiday gloom. Swine flu hasn't reduced yet. It will remain so for a few months I guess. Till then, its me with my complications!!

Officially Into Second Year:

Out of the blue, the results rained down upon us, and I am very happy, relieved and pleasantly surprised to announce to the ENTIRE world, that I have officially stepped into the second year!!!
My marks are not the best there can be, definitely not ones that I'm used to. But, considering my plight before the exams ( having to 'cover up' marks in Anat, in the Univs), and my overall, quite a packed year, with activities other than studying for 12 hours a day, I am glad its all over.
In fact, having looked at my marks, I am delighted that I can happily throw those bones away and put away my Anat books never to look at them again. Of course, thats not true. We have a surgery term, and definitely need Anat here. But, the point is, now I can actually LIKE anatomy and do it at the same time.
I got a distinction in Biochemistry ( considered to be quite an achievement by my mom), and I am very happy I could do it. All through the year, I have maintained that Biochem is my favourite subject. Doing well in a subject you like, is always incredibly satisfying. I expected more from Physiology, but I am not in the mood to give my paper for a re-evaluation. 'Be content with what you have' is a motto I quite strictly follow where my marks are concerned.
There are a lot of people who have got more than I have. It is not a scenario I am used to. But, strangely I don't even care, because I was so afraid that Anatomy might just prove to be, what I always thought it to be: My Nemesis.
Plus, my internal points sucked. To the core. So frankly, I've scored a lot more in the final University exam, than a lot of people. But, my internals pulled me down to what I have. Which is 'average'.
Its the first time I'm so satisfied with an average that, try as hard as I can, I can't even be unhappy! I've promised myself that I'm going to study from day 1, and I have started too. Plus, I love Pharmacology. I could read it forever. So its a good start.

Moving over to Vedant 2009, we did quite a bit of work over the past one week. Organising committees devoted to individual events, sending out search parties for potential sponsors, sending out delegations to different colleges in the city to invite them..... it has been fun. I am devoted to the English debate. It took quite a brainstorming session of about 4 hrs to come up with rules. We still have the judges left to decide.
Right now, though, Vedant has been put on hold, with the outbreak of Swine Flu in Pune. It has become a situation and the city isn't quite capable of handling things well. We've had three deaths, and many positive throat-swab results. Colleges have been shut down for at least a week, and we have to wait for our Dean's decision on Tuesday, to decide the fate of our event.
With the amount of work we've put into it, one part of me wants it carry on. But, there's also the less confident second half of me, which fears managing the event, and so wants the stop. We'll see what happens. Till then, hope to enjoy the glory of officially becoming a second year student. :-)

Examinations - The Chapter

I've tried my level best to try and describe Exam Time in a Medical College....And failed....MISERABLY. Mostly because I didn't have the time to write all that I felt. So I thought, I'd try right now....only a little differently. Through chunks out of my Diary which would describe what I went through them.

* Dates to remember:

26th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 1

27th May, 2009 - Anatomy paper 2

29th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 1

30th May, 2009 - Physiology paper 2

1st June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 1

2nd June, 2009 - Biochemistry paper 2

30th June, 2009 - Anatomy Practical

2nd July, 2009 - Physiology Practical

5th July, 2009 - Biochemistry Practical

Excerpts from my Diary:

8/5/2009:

" Well, things aren't going all that well. I just CAN'T seem to FINISH!! I was supposed to end a 1st revision on Sunday. And its just not happening! I'm gonna push to Tuesday and hope I can still manage 3 revisions. But, you know me, Jili. So it all looks a little bleak."

11/5/2009:

" Managed a fair bit of Central Nervous System ( Physiology) and I'm actually on top of the world!! Its funny, how small things just make me smile like anything!!! Things are a little tough, but I'm, well not enjoying, but keeping the humour intact. After all, ur spirits need to be up in the high sky to make it through all this, right?"

19/5/2009:

" Alright, I'm a little worked up here. I knew I'd said I'm not going to take tension, but, wen you are way behind a schedule you've had to change twice to make sure you manage stuff once at least, you are in murky waters there. And, can you believe it, its Physiology that's getting me worked up. Not 'coz, I haven't done it once. Its because, I haven't done it twice!! Anatomy, I have 5 days. I can move the heaven of Anat on earth if I have to. But Physio's getting unnerving here. Ok, girl, cool down. Deep breaths. Remember that weirdly dark sky that you have neen seeing at 2:30 and 3:00 in the morning for the last few days. And smile. They're all there to sail you through. You are gonna pass. I promise."

Well, I really did have it coming to me. Especially since I couldn't move the heaven of Anat on earth in those last five days. But, I guess that happens to everyone. The papers were much better than I thought they might be. And considering that I was pretty much on the verge of puking and fainting just before my Anat papers, I'm glad, I came out with a smile saying " Its over!!" At that time, I knew I'd done well, because I wrote everything that I could remember. Looking back, I'm not so sure. But, its Medicine and this stuff does happen. Physiology and Biochemistry were good too, although the last paper ( Bchem II) was definitely the worst of the five. Point is, you can't expect to have six smashing papers. In fact, we'd been warned that either paper I or paper II is tough. So, since the paper Is went well, there was always the fear that the paper IIs would be disasterous. So, I'm happy that my worst paper was the last, and I didn't even have the energy to ponder much on it.

Excerpt from my entry on 3/6/2009:

" Exam's reduced all the weight I put on. It has worn me down; mentally, physically, inevery way possible. All those 2-3 o'clock nights the week preceeding and all the 40hour sleeps in the past week.... But, its over!! And for the pracs, its not going to be like this. So, I'm dead pleased."

Practicals was a whole different ball game, as I managed to realise, a triffle late if I may be permitted to say. It included our journals ( to be learnt cover to cover) and the ENTIRE portion for the grand viva. So, I got worried sick about Anatomy again. And it was pretty bad too. We had revision practicals and they were definitely better than I thought they might go. But, its me, and I always seem to believe that I am the worst BJ can get, at Anat. Its not true, but its something that has stuck on, despite having decent practicals. So, I'm just relieved that its all over, and praying hard that I don't have to do it again. Physiology and Biochemistry practicals were good too. Biochemistry actually qualified for " Good", in the real sense of the word. They were not exciting, nothing out of the ordinary. Just simple, quiet practicals. It is another matter that we were all absolutely impatient to get over with it all and say " Finally, its OVER!"

So, I'm going to say: The last four months have been the toughest and I definitely do NOT want a re-run of them in the years to come. I've learnt my lesson and its time I start studying from day one....Not as seriously as " I've got exams tomorrow" , but serious enough to prevent blotchy entries in my diary saying " I've got exams tomorrow". We're told that first year is the toughest. I've just put a bit of it behind me. And wait for my results to make sure that all of it is behind me.

Till then, I've decided to catch up on sleep, books and 'time-pass' that I've sorely missed doing in the past few months. They have really shaped my life, and I find it hard to believe that I finally have free time!! So, I'm lazying around. And doing it well. Friends, family and books.....and a new " Learn to Drive A Car".....I've got almost nothing on my plate (compared to the past months)..... and am making the most out of it.

A Week In Winter

The past week has been just fine. I've finally opened my eyes, and am studying. Regularly. This in itself is an improvement. So I'm pretty happy with myself and the way I've taken things. It eats into my sleep, but I guess, the final outcome should be worth it.
From this week onwards, we have dissection from 11 to 1 in the morning and pracs from 3 to 5 in the afternoon. It isn't a pleasant event to look forward to. Imagine, having to eat your lunch, after finishing dissection. And that means, our break will be an hour only. Usually, if the practicals get over early, we get a longer break. Thats not going to be the case now. So, all that reading up Anatomy in the break and stuff will stop, and we'll be a little less prepared for it all.
It isn't as bad as it sounds. There are things to look forward to. When our practicals get over earlier, we'll be going home early. It won't make much of a difference for me, as such. Most of the times, I wait for one of my parents to pick me up, so I guess, I'll just hang out in the library.
We've started with the examination of the eye in the physiology practicals. It's interesting, and much better than the Examination of abdomen, where, there is really no observation as such. You can only feel the organs, when they are enlarged. You can only hear the vibration when there is fluid in the peritonneal cavity. You can only see the tonsils in the oral examination, when they are enlarged. We had " Normal" written in every column of examination in our journals.
We have a long weekend. Really, looking forward to three days at home.

Back To College

It hasn't been the easiest of tasks really. I actually like staying at home. I guess college is , well, not as great a place as home is. There were times when I used to look forward to going to school. And there were times when I used to look forward to going to class. Now, there's these times when I don't look forward to going to college. I've had to get myself ready, mentally, to just go through the days. That's what I don't like. The going to college thing. If I had it my way, I'd just sit at home and study. Thats way better and much more interesting.
Any way, college has been boring. We got about half of our results. I, sort of, did well in Biochem. 34 in theory and 30 in my pracs. A whole of 64. I passed. And that's what had me smiling. Anatomy marks just told me that I suck at it. And its gonna be much more than mugging up anatomy books thats going to help me there. My marks aren't worth disclosing, as much as I talk on this blog. Lets just say, I've got a lot to catch up in the prelims, and Thank God we have Anatomy for just a year. We're getting Physiology tomorrow and I think I'll pass, unless my pracs give me a big nightmare.
Among the newer stuff, Head and neck is quite tough. And I've sort of gained the will to study. So I'm studying quite a bit. Lets see how long the momentum lasts. It should last till about my prelims, so that I'll be ready by May to give the University exams.
We've now got an Anatomy seminar coming up. I'm quite interested, so I'm hoping that I get the chance to speak. Thats all thats happening. I'm just trying to adjust to college once more. Somehow those five days were so relaxing, my entire state of mind had changed. Its time to come back now, 'coz its show-time!! Yeah, right!

Exam Time - 1

Anatomy was bad. I won't spend much time describing my feelings when I saw the paper. The gist of it all is simply that yesterday, I realised what people mean when they say that medical is vast, and that anatomy is never easy. I can't believe that I studied as much as I did for a paper which turned out to be a disaster really. I might just pass, but failing looks like a more dependable option here.
Physiology was good. It was as different as as it could be from the Anatomy paper, and I felt so COOL looking at the paper and realising that I could actually choose which answers to write and which not, because almost all of them! I am definitely passing in this one. The only way I can fail in here, is if they're way to strict about the checking.
Biochem up next. I'm studying for it, hope things will work out well. Good Nite!!

The New Year

I am terrified of the idea of writing my paper tomorrow. And when I say terrified, I mean it. I am going through the usual, pre-exam ritual of forgetting things, that I had learnt so well about a day back, so you see it geta a little tough. Still, I might manage somehow in Anatomy. Physiology is nowhere within my reach at the moment, and half a day is just not enough any way.
So obviously, my New Year's resolution is to study more, and more regularly. So that by the time I finish with my first year, things won't be in the state they are right now. How glad will I be when Jan 9th gets over!!
Its the first time I haven't stayed up till 12 to welcome the New Year. But I guess, things do change with time. And 2008 wasn't all that great. I got into BJ Medical ( something way beyond my dreams) , yeah. But the life after that hasn't exactly been a smooth sailing. So this was a mixed year. Regrets? Not many. I wasn't able to write my usual favorite year-end in my diary yesterday. That has been a hard one to swallow. It just won't be the same when I write it on the 9th.
Well, gotta get back to pushing things into my head now. Just really nervous. I want at least 30 so have to make that happen. I am gonna be happiest creature on earth when I finish with the terms.....And even happier ( and that is possible) if I pass all my subjects! I promise to study more and regularly, God! Just let me off this time and pass me in all three,PLZ!!!!

The Weekend Before The Exams

Its tough, trying to think of exams from next week, precisely, next Friday. And I'm not exactly completely prepared. So I'm in major soups of all sorts. I'm really worried about Physiology. But hopefully I'll manage somehow. What I really wanted to write about was the dissection we started this week. Its the Head and Neck, and we dissected the scalp and even the brain. AND I LOVED IT ALL!!!!!! Its like one of the biggest things in my life really! Me and liking dissection and even doing it. The brain looked amazing! It looks just like the way we draw it. The other body parts differ, but this looks exactly the same, as the diagrams we take mintues to master. Guess, that really took me by surprise. I was thinking of sitting in the library today. Unfortunately, the maintenance work had to come up today itself, so well, my experience of studying in the library has to wait a little longer. Maybe Monday. I'm thinking of trying to finish with Biochem this weekend. Hopefully I'll be successful in this attempt at least. I've put pictures of our brain dissection.....Its not as gross as it looks!

A Bloody Day

Got my passport today and its a 10 year multiple-entry visa!! Couldn't have asked for better news!
Going back to college after 3 and half days is probably the most boring thing one can do, but well have to do it any way. We had revision pracs in Physiology, and they made us do all the non-microscopic Haematology ( in slang, the pricking pracs) again, whether we liked it or not.
Having been off the pricking sessions for the past two weeks, my ring-finger was quite scarless, and since this might be the last practical involving our own blood, I decided to go for the kill and pricked myself deeply everytime I had to take the prick. We had four practicals to perform and by the end of all that I was stuck with a hot and paining and quite a bloody finger.
My bleeding time came out to be 7 mins because of the deep prick I took, the blood just wouldn't stop flowing out!! Seriously, I dunno why I do it. Its either a superficial prick or a very deep prick. Why can't I get a normal just-right prick?
And to top all that, our submission was postponed. It was supposed to be held tomorrow, but because our batch-teachers have gone out-of-station, its been postponed to Monday!:(( I wanted to get over with it tomorrow and then enjoy a quiet peaceful weekend. Looks like thats never going to happen! Ah well, can't brood over it now. Guess I'll have to study harder for Monday.