February has begun, and now that dreaded countdown begins.
As I sit and think now, I realize that it is worse to wait for the result than
to wait for the examination that gives rise to that result. As much as I live
for exams, with the passage of time, I have only become weaker and weaker in
handling the stress of that result. Is that a part of growing up? Or is it my
B12 defc acting up? Or is this simply me finally shedding my cool-as-a-cucumber
image and going the Type A personality way? No idea.
When I look back over the past 4 years and my reactions to
my result, they have been interesting in a way. First year, I had no clue.
Absolutely no clue. I was out choosing tiles for our new home (yeah, imagine
all my colour-coordination and artistic thoughts being sqashed by “YOUR RESULTS
HAVE ARRIVED”). It was a shock, but since I wasn’t going anywhere near a
computer for the next 2 hours at least, I was able to be myself when I finally
laid my hands on the computer. Phew. That was my scariest result, because there
was a danger I was going to fail Anatomy. I did not. Yay!!
Second year, I was at home, down with an upset stomach,
watching my favourite event- ICC Cricket World Cup, 2011. It was my favourite
match – Aus Vs Nz. It was a nice day, Aus was doing so well, they’d gotten NZ
out for an under 200 score (I think around 161). When I watch cricket, I’m
usually far away from my cellphone, which was precisely the case at that time
too. Messages went unnoticed, phone
calls too. I still don’t know what made me go and check my cellphone to have my
friends calling and telling me my big news- that I’d topped. I’m not going into
the details of that day. I was unprepared and that helped me keep my cool a
little.
Third Minor year was when I lost it. I did. It was the
pressure of that second year result, and I lost it. Today, looking back, I don’t
know what else I could have done to get more marks, but I wasn’t happy about my
result and that day does not stand as one of my happy days. When I started
studying after that, I thought that the pressure to top was off me, now that I’d
relinquished that throne. In fact, during my I-don’t-care-a-damn moments, I don’t
have that pressure at all. But, ever since February started, those nice moments
have been few.
I end up thinking about all the things that went wrong in
all those practicals, all the ways I could have managed to cram up my timetable
more than I managed, all the luck I could have had in the world if I’d just
tried harder (Have I mentioned that I believe in the philosophy “God Helps
Those Who Help Themselves”? I think I have mentioned it before in one of my
posts). It hurts. This feeling of inadequacy hurts. I know I could not possibly
have done any more than I managed. I know that my efforts are good enough to
get me my MBBS degree. I also happen to know that my parents are going to me
incredibly proud of me for finishing this course in a sane manner.
And I also know a few things about myself:
1.
I’ve become greedy. You’ve shown me that coveted
Rank 1 once. Now I keep wanting it again. Even when I know, I don’t deserve it.
2.
I may say that marks don’t matter, but damn you,
they DO. A lot.
3.
I don’t really care about other people’s marks,
but then I do care about them any way. Especially a few ‘special’ people.
4.
I just know that my marksheet is never going to
live up to my expectations. The only reason for that anomaly is that my
expectations are tall mountains the height of Everest, and the effort I put it,
just about scales the local hill in my city.
5.
Even 10 years down the line, I’ll always look
back on these undergraduate years and decide which year was best according to
the marks I scored in that examination. So, first year is the worst, 2nd
the best and the two parts of final year still have to decide their places. I
won’t look at all the things I managed to do, all the fun I had, all the
friends I made, all the gossip I shared, all the quarrels I had. No, it’ll be
those marks and that marks-covered glass through which I will view these 4.5
years.
I’m shit nervous right now. And this nervousness will only
increase. The tentative date currently is 28th Feb. Lucky me, I have
my Basic Life Support training course on that day. It is going to last for 8
whole hours. So, I shall not be very close to my cell phone. In fact, I think I’ll
change a few settings on my phone, so that I can only answer my family phone
calls and messages. The rest of the world will be blocked, until I am ready to
show my face to that world. You know, they say you’re whole life flashes before
your eyes when you die. My whole undergraduate course flashes before my eyes, when
I look at those marksheets; also, some decent memories from before my BJ years.
All my achievements flash before my eyes. And that is good enough to make me look
at that marksheet and be depressed for the rest of the day.
Dear God, give me strength.
