Subconscious Priorities

When you start dreaming about your college life, it helps you put things into perspective. On the surface, there are a million things to think of; a million things to do and a million things trying to get your attention at the same time. Dreams really just line them all up, starting from the most important to the least important.

Over the past few days, I’ve been dreaming. The important point to note is that, I’ve dreamt about stuff that I have never acknowledged as stuff that has troubled me or made me uneasy when I thought of it. However, I guess I was wrong. It has affected me more than I thought it did, or should I say, more than I wanted it to.

Let’s start with the first.

A dark background all around me…I’m assuming it is night. I’m outside an unknown cabin - a wooden one like in those Cowboy movies. I’m sure I’m alone yet there are a few people with me. I have my cell phone with me, but I don’t feel like calling anybody as of now. Out of nowhere, there come a group of people – no wait, there appear to be two groups of people. I seem to recongise some faces…hell, yeah! These are my Medicine and Surgery Residents. What are they doing here?? They see me. They are shocked to say the least. The very next second, they’re holding my arms. The Medicine group gets to me first. I know I am being kidnapped but can’t really do anything about it.

The Residents start bombarding me with questions -Medicine-related questions. I can answer a few, and at the one question I can’t answer, I’m being dragged off with that group. When this happens, the other group jumps up to my rescue. Not rescue exactly, because, the moment there is a question I can't answer from their list, I'm just dragged off there! And then, I get a phone call. Again, from a surgery resident. He seems to want to tell me something, but just keeps beating about the bush. I'm scared. I can't tell him where I am. I keep wondering whether he is involved in this very operation or not. Ultimately, he doesn't end up doing much to help me. 
I did not get up with a jerk or anything. I got up with an uneasy mind and a tough day to look forward to. I know I haven't been on top of my timetable. But, such dreams are definitely going to push me onto Insomnia big time!
Moving on to the second:
Let me first give a brief background to this one. I've had two such dreams. They are both related to the ICMR project I was intent on doing a few months back. At this moment, in April, I know for a fact that I will not be able to do everything possible, and giving my time to the ICMR project is just going to spoil my chances of doing well in Final year.
The first dream basically had my to-be Guide shouting his head off at me, when I go to tell him that I don't want to do the project. This was obviously related to an incident from day before, when he told our batch off for making too much noise in an evening clinic. It was the first time I had seen him lose his head, and I think, I was a little traumatised by that experience. Hence, the dream. I just stand helpless, waiting for the dream to end, by the way.
The second dream came yesterday. After cajoling myself to at least take a look at the list of selected projects, I found that my project had been selected. So now, my dream had me walking about in college, trying to make up my mind whether to meet my Guide now or not. Out of nowhere, lots of people start coming and wishing me congratulations for having been selected. It appears on Facebook and I seem to be caught in this big trap. I want to say no, but I can't seem to say it. And nobody even wants to listen to what I have to say. Scary.
These two dreams bring me to the main worry I have. Do I want to do the project? I have a stack of points for not doing the project:
1. There is way too much to study in Final year. I know I'm not that strong. So whatever time I get to waste, I want to be able to waste it and not spend in more work.
2. My aim in doing the project was to improve my CV when it came to applying to universities abroad. I am now leaning more towards doing my PG in India, in which case it won't really matter. Also, it isn't necessary to have a project under your belt. I have my academic record and lots of certificates to which I shall add many more in the coming few months.
3. My Ethics certificate hasn't come, in which case, I shall have to wait till June. That is when my Terminals would begin. Not a great time.
4. I'm just not in the mood any more to run around looking for patients.


For doing the project, there are a few points too:
1. It has been selected. That means it is good enough and there are going to be some results which would really help the future of Medicine.
2. It will add to my CV any way, whether I like it or not.
3. I won't get another chance.


Add on, the fear of facing my to-be guide, yeah, I'm pretty screwed. I just hope he takes it nicely and helps me put my mind at ease. 


I'm doing the Inter-Disciplinary Seminar this time. The topic is 'Hospital-Acquired Infections' and I shall be dealing with the Surgery aspect of it. The reason I am so proud of this is that, I was chosen on the basis of my performance at the University Examination. Initially, there was going to be an elimination round. The Academic Committee, finally decided to just go with the Univ marks.
I'd had a conversation with a friend about our marks after the results came out. He said, it didn't really matter because nobody was going to bother about these marks later. I, on the other hand, was a big supporter of the rank system and was delighted about what all I had achieved. The selection of participants for this time's IDS, simply added weight to my argument. I feel that whatever I get, on the basis of my marks at Univ exams, I thoroughly deserve. That's 'cause I work my ass off for these exams. Thus, I am extremely proud of my selection. I wanted Surgery and I got it too. So I am pretty happy right now.
Our Medicine term-end comes up on Friday the 13th. I hope to do well there. It is going to be a busy week up ahead. Let's hope it shall start well and end well.  

There's always a way out :-)

There's always something worth it over that blessed rainbow :-)

Questions

Our HoU has a smart way of training us into doctors. He has allotted each of us undergraduate students a bed in our Ward. We have to go talk to our patients, ask them for their histories, examine them, and follow them up throughout the time that they are admitted. The moment they get discharged, a new patient gets admitted and the same routine continues.

In the past one month, I’ve only had two patients on the bed allotted to me. Initially, we did not take this allotment that seriously, so I didn’t really talk to the first patient. The few times that I did, I just got a superficial history, nothing more. No, it is the second patient that has made me speculate about the seriousness of becoming a doctor.

To cut things short, this patient has Pneumonia and is a known case of Acute Kidney Injury. The first time I met him, he looked pretty bad. A 60 yr old, coughing incessantly, with a Central line and other tubings put, doesn’t cut a very bright picture. I had a long conversation with his son, who was giving me the history. It included a lot of questions from my side regarding the case, and a lot of questions from his side, regarding the overall prognosis and the future implications.

I have to say, it made me think a great deal. Here was this 40 yr old man asking me, if his father would survive and how long. I, who for all practical purposes, myself, did not know how severe the disease was, had to answer the most important question that a patient can ask a doctor. Such a situation only makes me wonder how brave we have to be, to take up such a responsibility.

I’ve just heard that, ultimately, doctors deal with living beings, so the job is tough. But, we are humans too. How in the world can we just take up the responsibility of deciding how long another of the same kind will live? Patients believe in us. The internet and sophisticated instruments may have made patients more aware, but ultimately they trust us. How strong do we need to be mentally to be able to return that trust?

I told that man pretty nicely that his father would live long in the right precautions were taken. However, when I was going back, I kept asking myself, how was I to know that there was even a need for those precautions? What if that patient was already way past gone? What if I was just giving his son a false ray of hope? Who was I to even pass a small judgment on another fellow?

For such a question, is there even an answer? Even studying all the books on a particular disease will not be able to give me enough power to believe in what I’m saying. If I can’t believe what I’m telling the patient, how can I expect him to believe it? When the patient does believe it, I want to simply shout out to him that I’m not good enough, and he shouldn’t take my word for it.

Such thoughts are scary. Today, I have people above me. Tomorrow, there won’t be any. At such a time, I will need to raise myself up to a level, where I shall get a good night sleep and not worry about whether I have given the right advice to my patients. Self-belief is the toughest to get. When it is a person like me, the task simply gets worse.

The questions that torment me, today, are going to torment me for sometime. After all, I’m not a genius at Medicine. I just hope to strive hard towards being able to answer them. In doing so, I know I shall be able to be what I want to be.

A GOOD DOCTOR.

Kiss My A**, You Jerks!

There is a limit to tolerance. That is what I used to believe. Creating a symposium and trying to get it to people's attention in college, has made me believe otherwise. There is no limit to tolerance. In fact, with every new interaction with the other group and their phonies, I develop a new, higher limit to tolerance.
This so-called 'battle' has been on for a long time - ever since our college had two groups participating in a Symposium Competition, held at a local college here. That event had a rule - one team per college. So ultimately, it boiled down to a face-off between the two presentations prepared by us and the other group. They were chosen. When we watched their presentation, we realised that there were lots of things we could have done with our presentation. They were the better group.
The second time such a competition came up, initially there was going to be a screening round held at the host college. However, that was not to be, and we ended up having an elimination round here. As we had expected, they won again. This time, the marks showed it all. Our presentation was appreciated by every single person sitting in the audience- it was research-based, it was methodical and it was with the flow. Their presentation was filled with information and wasn't even close to research. However, the marks  they got were plenty. Reason? Favouritism. You see, there is a girl. There is also a teacher who almost idolises her. In fact, the girl is an absolute bitch. But, when the teacher is involved, her bitchy quality disappears. After all, she's watched this girl grow up...obviously, there isn't a single flaw in the girl.
This teacher gave them 8-9 marks more than she gave us. This was when the other judge, gave them just 2 marks more than us in the whole total. The incident left me wounded. I love what my team has come up with. We had improved on our original presentation to such an extent, it was unrecognisable. It wouldn't be wrong to say that I was in love with my presentation. I did not want to face this crappy side of college again. Why does the world need to be so unfair??
Today, the long-drawn decision to present our symposia in college, finally ended. Both our groups were to present our work today. And what does that great teacher (who chaired the session, by the way) do? She says, "Lets keep that awesome presentation for the last and keep that other crappy one for first. That way, the audience will be kept captivated in the end." Yes, she said that. I'm friendly with one of the other teachers, who told me so.
There is simply no reason why anyone should be so partial. Every student should be equal before a teacher. However, life in college has taught me to learn otherwise. I'm sick and tired of all this hypocrisy. It is right there, stark white, standing right in front of your eyes. There is nothing you can do about it. I'm one of those who want to get into people's good books by my work, and not by sweet talk. There doesn't seem to be any market for that though.
Am I upset? I've gone way past that, you know. As fulfilling as the process of making the presentation has been, the stuff happening around it has left me with nothing but anger. After a certain point of time, that anger just turns into smoke. There is no use having so much anger stuffed up inside yourself. Instead, you should simply look ahead and go do better things.
So, kiss my a**, you jerks. Go do your thing. I know, for a fact, and with lots of evidence to support it, I do better things than you, and I get better results than you. Nobody is going to tell me in front of 100 people on a big stage, that I'm not even going to be considered in the competition, because what I have presented isn't even my own research. They are going to tell you that. And you know what guys? At that time, I shall have a small smile on my face, because I shall know that the world outside of college doesn't bow down to your rules.
P.S. Our presentation today was great :-)) I love my team especially for putting up with my short temper and not-so-easy-to-get-along-with behaviour during the Symposium practice sessions:-) You rock guys!!

Good Job!!

I won the TB Quiz held on account of World Tuberculosis Day (24th March)!! I'd paired up with a friend of mine and we won!! I got my first trophy from BJ Medical College :-) We topped the elimination round and then won by a comfortable 20 points :-) Our score was 65 and the team, that came 2nd, got 45. I felt so freaking AWESOME!!
I'd been telling myself I should've studied a little more. That thought became even more loud when I saw the number of teams participating. You may want to call me a little dumb here, but I really believe that there a few people who are better off than I am, when it comes to MCQs and one line answers. Fact is, I really believe that whatever I have scored academically, has been on the basis of my neat paper- writing and diagrams. I don't figure much when it comes to odd things you need to know for Quizzes. So, my friend and I saw the people who'd arrived and we told ourselves that we didn't really have a chance. We were going to do this for the heck of it.
The people who know me, will understand when I say, I can't go unprepared for anything where there is supposed to be a competition. So, I did read up Microbiology and PSM, but it was nowhere close to what I'd expected myself to manage in the past week. We were prepared to watch the other teams take centre-stage. Going through the elimination paper, I knew we stood a chance. But, you can never hope for too much. We knew we'd made mistakes, especially after the answers were discussed. It was, therefore, a major surprise to hear that we had topped the Elimination :-)) I was delighted because that meant I got a certificate (I have an obsession for them...they are going to help me in the future, strengthen my CV, so I am obsessed with them).
The Quiz rounds were pretty ok. We were team C, and unfortunately, we had a lot of statistical questions regarding TB. I can proudly say though, my logic and my love Micro and Patho, got us through. I could answer a lot of questions. That was very comforting :-)
The best part was yet to come though. The rapid fire round has always gotten me a little nervous. It is a make or break round in a quiz. This time, however, it was a Make round for us. We answered the maximum number of questions correctly (5/10), compared to the rest of the teams, and we won!! After the announcement of the scores, they brought out trophies!! Now that was the best part. I had won a trophy! Since I'm a big sports fan, winning a trophy is like the ultimate winning for me. I have grown up watching the Pontings and Nadals lift those trophies...I've always wished I could do the same. This time, I've gotten the opportunity :-)) Yay!!
I just have to take this moment and say, "I ROCK!!" Things have been going well. Our Islet Cell Transplantation Symposium will be on Saturday. As much as I love what we have done, I'm just concerned about the certificate. It is a busy week... We also have a Surgery Term-end on Saturday. Add on the Medicine posting...We're given threats of been thrown back into the Unit we were supposed to be posted in, initially, if we don't do serious studying. Really!! Times have changed..It's not like we aren't interested. Sometimes, you gotta understand that although there is interest, there isn't enough material. Tomorrow, possibly, Kadam Sir would be taking a clinic. I can only cross my fingers and hope it goes well...
Apart for studying, we also have to deal with ego issues of the concerned teachers. The life of a Medical Student is worth making a film on. There is everything...it almost prepares you for everything you may have to deal with later in life - buttering people up, saving people's lives, running after people for ages to get your work done, taking the hard way, taking a shortcut, deal with heartaches and excessive happiness...everything...phew!! I'll just go back to reminiscing that wonderful Quiz on Monday...:-))

A Test in Medicine and a Test in English

This Medicine posting hasn't yet shown its true colours. I still haven't been able to decide whether being posted in the Kadam Unit is a boon or a curse. We have finished with one week of posting now. In this past one week, we have managed to take cases related to all four systems - CVS, RS, CNS, GIT. I think the CVS case was well-taken. We managed to finish the entire case that day. An achievement, actually. I presented the RS case to Kadam Sir yesterday. I was pretty freaked out about the whole thing, but the Indian trait of impunctuality helped calm my nerves down. It got too much in the end, because I had to wait a whole 2 hours before he came. However, Kadam Sir is Kadam Sir. His teaching is just way too awesome to crib much about :-) And, it is a real morale booster to be able to present a case to him and not have to hear him criticise you.
The patient I had, was very testing. But, the moment I put myself into his shoes, I could understand why. A 60 year old sick gentleman doesn't want people coming and poking him all the time. Especially after 2 weeks of having been through the same thing. I'm sorry sir for all the trouble I gave you. I do hope I do good for the pains that you and I both endured during past two days.
The whole case isn't complete yet. We only finished till General Examination of the patient. The moment Kadam Sir said,"I think we'll stop now. We'll continue on tuesday", I was a little disappointed. Keeping the patient in SGH till Tuesday is going to be quite a task. He will again have to be convinced to come to another ward, have people examine him...I'm already feeling sorry for both of us.
Yesterday was Gudi Padva, the beginning of the New Year according to the Hindu Calendar. I had a good day actually. The case went fine. I mananged to go and meet my grandparents for a few hours. It is such a beautiful feeling to have them pamper you, even for just those few hours. You can just forget that you've grown up, and go back to those sweet memories of childhood:-)
My TOEFL score came yesterday. I don't think I'd written in my previous posts that I was going to take the Test. I did. I want to keep my options open for my USMLE preparation. Taking the TOEFL and applying for Electives is the first step. My score is 118/120. Isn't that AWESOME?? I know there's no use flaunting my score, but I feel incredibly proud of myself. I'd given myself 3 weeks to study. I only managed like a week of studying. But, that week, being me, I studied only for the TOEFL. People say there's no need to really study for it. I believe, though, that you need to prepare for everything properly. It doesn't matter whether the test is small or big. I couldn't prepare as much as I would have liked to. So that score is a pleasant surprise.
The score means that my school did a good job of teaching me English. The score also indicates that I'm not as pathetic in the language as I think I am. Just because I don't write as much as I used to, in school, I haven't lost my flair completely. It is a boost of confidence really. I am really proud of my English skills. In past few years, since I joined Med School, I haven't been able to use my skills as much as I want to. That made me feel really inadequate, you know. After all, language is my strength.
The TOEFL has proved that I'm not as bad as I think :-) My Mom was on top of the world. Simply, because I told her 2 days before the Test, that I was taking the test, and she didn't really know whether I'd even studied properly or not. I love doing such things. Seeing that smile on my parents' faces, gives me satisfaction and a great night's sleep. What else can a Daughter want??:-)

Evolution

Every individual goes through phases of evolution. Be it an animal or human, evolution happens. It might as well be called a synonym to 'Life'.
Evolution is physical (change in the structure of the body), physiological (change in the functions of the many systems inside our body) and mental (change in the thinking). Rather than calling it a 'change', I would like to call it "transformation". This process is so beautiful. Last year, when I visited Pench, I spent most of my time observing the Langoors there. Those little babies would demonstrate newer and more refined antics every day. It enthralled me no end. One day, they would be clinging to their mothers, and the second day, they would try to climb up trees. On the third and the fourth days, I would be witness to their sheer determination to climb that tough bark. On Day 5, they would show off their newly acquired skill, with the happiness flowing through each cell of their bodies :-)
As I grow up, I feel the transformation inside of me. There has obviously been a physical and physiological one. These are aspects I can't control and I don't want to. It is my mental transformation that has caught my attention in last couple of years.
I am not the most outgoing person there is. In fact, in all my answers to the many questions in Personality tests, I reek of introversion and shyness. I don't like being like that. I have a really dynamic Mother. It is an amazing sight to see her in her element. You never think she can do anything wrong, when she's there, in that element. I have always wanted to be like that. However, the perfect daughter that I am, I have inherited the perfect combination of both my parents' attributes - my Father's shyness and the ability to talk to people I know for a LONG time; and my Mother's desire to be outgoing and managing a bit of it, and her love for presentation and stage.
Over the past few years, I've seen myself open up a little and participate more in things happening around me in college. Even as an audience, I have become more receptive and critical, analysing what has been told to me. I feel proud of myself  for this transformation. I don't feel all that nervous about coming to the front. I know I have a right to do what I want and to ask questions if I need to.
I can feel the evolution inside of me. Knowing the kind of a person I was, I know I shall never reach that other end of the spectrum. However, the slight progress I have made, makes me hopeful that this Evolution is here to stay :-)

The Expected and The Unexpected

Our Third Minor results were declared on 22nd February (Wednesday). I have come 2nd this time- an aggregate of 292/400 (73%). I also managed a Distinction in Ophthalmology :-)
I was so freaked out when I heard that the results were out online. I have never been the kind of a person to get freaked out by results, you know. I actually pride myself on my control and temperament at such a time. This time, however, things were different. For one, last year's accomplishment kept replaying itself in my head. I really don't care much about what people say or think, but after last year's score and the shock everyone got, I know I was probably the first person who's marks would be checked by one and all- "Lets see how much last year's topper scored!" I did not want to be a one-time lucky shot kinda thing. I have that talent and determination in me, and getting a good score this year would only serve to emphasise this very fact.
I know, for a fact, that I did not study as much as I should have this time. I definitely did NOT study as much as I had in my IInd year. I got involved in things other than pure academics, the Ophthalmology and Paediatrics Quiz came up, I wasn't in the right state of mind for a major part of my PLs...and there I was, telling myself I was well-prepared, when I knew I wasn't. It was too much to ask for a top rank. All I prayed for, was a score that would keep my integrity and my mindset intact.
Going back to the time I heard results were out, I couldn't get myself to go online. Instead, I did what I have never in my wildest dreams, thought I would do. I called up a school friend and told her to talk about everything other than results. Sweet that she is, she agreed and the next half hour was spent in chatting about everyday happenings in our parallel lives...It calmed me down. It really did. When I was ready, I went online to check my score.
Funny thing really, I got disappointed when I saw it. I thought I'd managed a 60%. The relief that a 300/400 gives my mind can obviously not be given by a 292/400, as close as it is to that 300. Well, and that 292 underlined the fact that there had to be people ahead of me. Human that I am, I was disappointed. The only aspect of my scorecard that brightened my mood, was that 76/100 in Ophthalmology. Now, I have Distinctions to boast about, in every exam until now :-) (Biochemistry, Pathology, Microbiology, Ophthalmology).
The topper this time has got 76%. There is a 12 mark difference between us. But, I know she deserves every bit of it and well, at least I came 2nd :-)
I hope I can do better than this in my Final Year. It is my last chance and I want to give it all I have. I know that I have it in me to get to that Rank 1 and 2....I can't get there 2 years in a row by fluke, right? I'm delighted that I could make my Mother (an Ophthalmologist) stand tall and say, "My daughter got a Distinction in Ophthalmology" :-) In fact, having also represented BJ in the Ophthalmology quiz, I have done all that is possible with that subject :-) That was my aim when I first fell in love with that subject in January 2011:-)
I'm a pleased person today. I have done well enough and I am pretty proud of that. It is another issue that my family is happier than I am...it is strange, how your loved ones can manage to make you happier than you actually feel :-)) Love you all, guys!! Thank You :-)

Each Vote Counts

As the responsible citizen of my country, I have the right to vote. I have the right to decide who, I think, will live up to all that he or she promises during these rallies that happen before the elections. Most importantly, I have the right to decide who will be capable enough to undo the previous guy's mistakes and still have time to make some of his own.
Over the past week or two, all sorts of gimmicks have been put to practice to garner the largest number of votes. Now that I am a Med Student and I know a thing or two about the Healthcare system that works ( or doesn't work) in the country, I find it so hilarious to hear advertisements on the radio about how that same healthcare system is bringing such a change in people's lives. To give an example: There is something known as the National Rural Health Mission that basically caters to the health of the rural people. There are some services that are given free of cost to the people. Anganwadis are created in villages to ensure that the literacy of the children improves. That's the theory. The reality is that the services are there, but the providers are not. The Anganwadis are there but the teachers or the ASHAs (Accredited Social Health Activist) are not. But that is obviously not shown in the advertisements. Instead, you hear a woman talking in the rural twang, praising the government for giving health services worth 3.5 lac free of cost to her child and saving his life. She will give her vote to the ruling party, because after all, they gave her that precious child back.
Now, think about it. If the Government starts giving out services worth 3.5 lac to each and every such individual, India would get bankrupt within days ( any person who knows our population and the fraction tagged as BPL will agree). But, this is what an advertisement is about. And this is just one example. Every party involved in elections carries out the same kind of propaganda. They pay people to come be a part of their rallies and shout out slogans. They come up with incidents involving their leaders that will bring sympathy votes. And then, there are some really characterless creatures who wire the EVMs wrong so that their party wins.
The main responsibility of the voter is to sift through all of this and make his vote count. The person he elects should have his full faith. That person should be capable enough to run true to the trust shown by that voter. After all, elections come only once in 5 years. One mistake is going to turn the next five years of your civic life into hell.
But, there isn't always a good and a bad. Lately, in politics, there has been a bad and a worse. So ultimately, you vote because it is your right. And you vote for the person who you think will make lesser mistakes than the other. The past year, a lot of things have happened. They brought out the real faces of a lot of people. Some of those were ok. Most of them weren't. What I learnt from that year was that, it's too much to ask for a sudden change. But, there is a need for change. And this election, I hope our votes prove that. Every vote given counts. After all, it shows what the people of this country really want. I sensed it last year, and I hope today's votes show it, that that want has changed...
Vote guys. Only your votes can make the real difference.      

Selfish and Self-Centred

4 years of college has brought out the real character of lots of people. That's been the REAL experience of College. I mean, who's going to bother about the time we spent pouring over thick books that most of the time, din't even make sense?! I would personally bother about the people I spent this this time with.
I am not the most perfect person on Earth. But, I am human, and like every Human Being, I have an opinion. Opinions can be right, they can be wrong and they may not even matter...What I really like about Opinions is that they make you feel important; they make you feel confident about yourself. After all, if you didn't even have an opinion, what use would you be to anybody??
So, in my opinion - there are three types of people in my College. On a personal level, I'll classify them as:
1. People I love
2. People I hate
3. People I couldn't care less about
This classification is pretty simple to understand. The first category would include my really close friends, a few not-that-close-but-good friends and a few teachers. These are people I would love spending time with and I know, even after college is over, these are people I would be honored to keep in touch with.
The second category would include people I can't stand being around. These are the typical hypocrits that walk around in college, giving you the smile to your face and making ugly faces behind your back; these are the people who never let you get ahead of them and do everything humanely possible to interfere with your strides; these are also people who look to get into a conversation with you because they want to extract from you, the small piece of info that they need. You think there aren't people like this? You haven't been to college then.
The third category is kind of the biggest, because it would include the people I don't know, know and don't bother to stay in touch and all those who are a part of the things I do, but do not interfere with my work and vice-versa.