We Are Young

I have become hooked to this song. It really speaks to me right now, at this very moment. I think it is probably because it mirrors the things happening in my life. Feels amazing to scream it out and let some steam out :-)

Holy Crap

As the month of June creeps closer and closer, the nervousness regarding my forthcoming examinations and the frustration over unfinished work is reaching new heights.

I haven’t been in the best of moods. The sudden realization that:

1.       I am very far from my target of 50 cases for the ICMR project.

2.       Residents vary in their desire to help me get on with my project work.

3.       I am very far from finishing my Surgery portion as I wanted to.

4.       I haven’t even started with the other subjects yet.

5.       I am not able to get whole days to myself when I can just study from start to end.

6.       I don’t really remember everything after doing it just once.

7.       College is just a big waste of time.

8.       Journals keep piling up – first to write, then to get the signatures.

Has made me melancholic. I haven’t yet reached the stage where I start thinking negative about my situation. I may be on the way though. I know for a fact that I have been taking about 8-10 cases over the past 3 weeks I think. I should have 30 cases, right? I am stuck at 24 and 25. The imminent arrival of my Guide on 27^th is also making me a little uncomfortable. I have to show him my cases…it will be very disappointing if he points out mistakes. Please, please let him not.

Talking about studies itself is frustrating. The subjects this year were supposed to be interesting. Somehow, my interest in them has vanished. I don’t feel the desire to go on and on with my studying. Instead, I’m just waiting for those little breaks, which eventually span out into larger breaks than they are supposed to be.

Maybe it is the idea of me running around for that project, while seeing my friends study, which is eating me from inside. Maybe it is the idea of me studying that is eating me from inside. In all, final year is testing a lot of me. I also get the feeling that this is just the beginning. There is a lot more to come. We’ll see…I look back to that one week…to those two days when I had totally lost hope…those two days when I had to deal with one shock after another…I got through that. There is no reason why I can’t get through the studying then J

Reflection

I’m not a social person. I have very strict ideas about the kind of parties I like and the kind I don’t. I have my own circle of close friends whom I regularly meet. We talk a LOT and catch up on each other’s lives. There is no drinking involved, no needless gossip, no dressing up…just some good old friends having a good time, laughing and sharing their desires and thoughts.

I met a couple of my school friends day before yesterday for dinner. They are both doing Engineering. One of them has a dual degree with Economics, and the other has a dual degree with Biology. So, practically speaking, each of us is in our own world professionally. They say, don’t they, the grass is always greener on the other side. However, having conversations with them, has made me wonder whether it is really worth it to do what I am doing.

Frankly speaking, the only reason I decided that Medicine was my field was because I sucked at Physics and Mathematics decided to abandon me during the year I needed it the most. By mid-12^th grade, my prophecy from 10^th grade (I want to do Chemical Engineering from IIT Powai) had all but eaten dust. My strength was Chemistry and Biology. I decided to do the practical thing, choose the lesser of the two evils. Instead of forcing myself to succeed in two subjects I sucked at (Physics and Maths), I forced myself to manage just Physics and enjoy Chemistry and Biology. I ended up making the right decision, since I got into BJMC in my first attempt itself, in the first round itself. I could not have asked for more.

Today, however, I wonder whether I have done what I had thought I would do as a medical student or not? I wonder whether it really is worth it to put in as much of effort and pressure as we do. Medicine is a tough choice for a profession. You need to have the push and the desire to give. You need to feel that insane urge to serve people. You need to feel that you just have to make your patients ok. I agree that in the past 3.5 years, I have formed an idea of what I will be doing in the future. I do want to give back to people. I want to make this world a better place. I just wonder why it is so difficult to want to do such things.

Final year is supposed to be crazy. It is crazy. It hasn’t treated me very well either. I am not particularly enjoying it. But, even then, I’m not a sulky sort of person. I love myself and life too much to really sulk about it. The fact that I am sulking about this year, means there is something wrong. Maybe I am taking that project too much to heart. But, even then, the rest of the year isn’t all that great.

I am wondering today whether I really want to get out into the world and treat patients. Do I really want to put myself through all the torture that being a doctor brings with itself? This year will get over. Then there shall be the internship, the PG entrance, the residency, the super-specialisation, the start of my private practice. I’m already tired thinking about it. On the other hand, my friends are excited about their internships and have nothing to really worry about. Work from Monday-Friday…weekends off…a good pay…their life is pretty much set.

I’m just a little disillusioned, I guess, by the working of my college and our lives as medical students. I know I am being extreme in my reaction…but life could be so much better for us, even with all the studying. Lectures, teachers, patients…it all sounds so interesting from an onlooker’s point of view. I wish it were really the case…

Any way, I think I’ll get over this feeling soon…it was pretty refreshing to get out of college life and meet up with my friends. It is such a blessing when your friends are from different fields. You can just lock out all your frustrations and sorrows and have a great time with them. You talk about different things, reminisce about old times…you end up bringing back some spice into your life…and that is all I really need J

A Letter

Dear Mom,

I want to say all this to your face, but the sensitive little coward that I am, I’ll probably just end up crying and not say anything at all. Maybe someday, I will pluck the courage to say all these things standing in front of you.

You are my Hero, Mom. There is a long list of things that I have learnt from you- by just watching you everyday. What has left an impact on me most, is how you fight against all the odds and still mange to emerge victorious.  Life isn’t easy, is it? But, you have managed to make me realize that one can work through this difficult maze and come out to rejoice.

You gave birth to me 21 years ago. I was the first child, so I just hope I didn’t give you much trouble coming out. If I did, I’m really sorry. I don’t remember the first few years of my life, mom, but I know from the stories told, that you were always there. God knows how tough it must have been to study and look after a baby at the same time. You did it though, and looking at myself today, I know you did a great job. I don’t remember what my first words were, or where and when I took my first steps. I do know this, mom, that the day I said, “Aai”, was a momentous one for you, and for me too.

My childhood is scattered with lots of great memories. I particularly remember the time I was seven. I had suddenly gotten into the phase, when I used to miss you in school, and would end up crying a lot. It went to such an extent, that you had to give me a photo of yours. You told me that every time I missed you, I should just look at that photo and you would be there, right next to me. I don’t think I ever told you this, Mom, but looking at that picture made me cry even more.

When I was eight, our class had been punished and we were spanked. You had been there for me at that time. You, along with our class teacher and a few other parents, had protested against this incident. You may not consider it that important, but it left a mark on me.

Throughout my childhood, there were times when you were busy; times when you went away for training. I did not really miss you at those times, simply because I knew you were doing for us, and that when I needed you, you would always be there for me. When you went for that GSE exchange program, I was just nine. I wasn’t in the mental state to express how I felt. Today, I look back and I feel such pride watching you go. You had achieved something truly outstanding, and my chest was bursting with joy and pride that you were MY mom.

Teenage is supposed to give mothers a lot of headache. I think I gave you some headache too. I do hope I didn’t give you too much of headache, though. I think, somewhere, deep inside, I always knew what you were trying to tell me during those conversations we had. I knew what you were telling me was right. I may have disagreed with you on the surface, but I always ended up agreeing with you subconsciously. When I got into Std 12, you decided to take some matters into your hand, and look into my studies for the entrance exams. You know, mom, I’m glad you did.

You might say that I am very logical and clear in the head, but at that time, I wasn’t. I needed somebody to listen to me, and take some decisions for me. You did that, and I really thank you for it all. After that CET examination, I knew maybe I had failed you somewhere. If I had taken efforts, you had taken double those efforts. The end result did not reflect that, and I was a little disappointed on that fateful day (8^th May, 2008). When I told you that getting a score worth BJMC was out of question, I did not like the look on your face. The disappointment was evident. I wish I had done more. The merit list, however, had different plans. That wonderful day, when I got into BJMC (18^th July, 2008), those tears in your eyes- I felt so happy for being able to give you those tears of joy. As a daughter, I believe that my ultimate goal in life is to make you happy. That day, I had fulfilled that goal. I was proud of it. Even today, I am.

You have been my solid support always. You and Dad have always had my back. It is something special, to know that I have such a wonderful mother, waiting for me, urging me to great things.  In fits of anger, you may call yourself a lot of ugly things, but the truth is, you are an awesome mother. You lead by example. There is nothing more special than to see you up on stage, receiving prizes for your achievements. There is nothing more inspiring to see you work against all sorts of odds, to watch you fight against injustice done to you. You are a dynamite, and to see you in the red of your spirit is just incredible.

It hurts to see you upset or in pain, Mom. If there is anything that I can’t stand, it is a tear in your eyes or a wrinkle of tension on your forehead. I want you to be happy and at peace all your life. I’ll do anything to make sure that happens. At times, I feel so helpless when I just have to stand in the background watching you manage your troubles. I want to help you, Mom, and it hurts that I can’t. You have dealt with a lot in your life. Despite that, I hope you have been happy. I just wish, now that I have grown up, I can be that shield that will protect you from any further trouble.

I want you to share your troubles with me, Mom. It always helps when you talk. If you can calm me down, I sure can try to do the same. I’ll do anything I can, to never see you unhappy, to never see a tear. You are precious, Mom. I’m nothing without you. You and Dad are my whole life, and I can’t see you two upset or unhappy about anything.

You are the most wonderful gift God had given me. I love watching you smile, love watching you sing and dance. When you smile, the whole room brightens up. When you calm me down, I know nothing in the world will trouble me. When you give me that Mom’s hug, I become that small child again, who just wants to sit by you forever.

You are the bestest Mom in the Universe. I hope I can be a good daughter to you all my life.
Love you loads, Mom. Thank you for always being there. You are the foundation of my life. There is nothing I can’t do, with you supporting me.

Love you Mom,

Jill

Reality

I just have to write. I have my Paediatrics term end tomorrow, so ideally, I should be studying. However, out of curiosity, I went through my last post and the urge to write erupted through me. The past two-three weeks have been such huge reality checks. I think I have almost hit rock-bottom, but somehow, managed to wriggle out with something to cherish.
I remember writing a month back that my ICMR Selection list was out, and that my project had been selected. I wrote a lot of reasons why I decided I would not do the project. However, a little coaxing from my mother ( she showed the wonderful things I would get if I had this project under my belt.) and I decided that I would do the project. The more-than-just-happy approval from my Guide gave me all the more reason to go ahead with it. Neither of them told me what I was in for, though.
Everyone says the first few days of any project are hard. You are somehow just getting into the rhythm, trying to work out some kind of schedule, arranging and rearranging your work, meeting the concerned people. Lots of things just tend to happen together. You end up hating those first few days. I went through just more than hating them. Being a student at a Government Medical College, I should have realised this a long time back - You can never walk straight in here. You just HAVE to take turns to reach something that can resemble a destination. My Guide told me that doing the Lipid Profiles of patients would be a very easy thing to do. That has ended up being the most dreadful thing to do. It takes quite an effort to coax patients into talking to you. An even bigger effort is required to bring these very people to you the next morning to take the blood samples. Add to that, the fact that Lipid Profiles are NOT done regularly in our hospital, got me freaked out majorly. I now also had to provide the kit to do the test. Still, it was ok. I went to the Diabetic OPD on Day 1 of my project, and managed to take some cases. Next, I had to go and tell the Lab Director that the kit would arrive there soon. When I told him that, he dropped the next bombshell - " I don't have the manpower to do the tests. You'll have to do them yourself. I'll teach you." That was it! I have my term exams coming up in June, and now I have to perform Lipid profile testing of patients!
I am going to take a few words here to talk about my temperament. I'm cool. I get nervous before an exam or a Viva. I just talk to myself at that time, say stuff like, "You're being stupid! You've studied. It is going to go great. Come on, be yourself!", and go back to being cool again. I don't freak out. I don't stop eating or lose sleep or dream of scary scenarios related to anything. I'm just not that kind of a person. I switch on and off pretty easily.
Those two days, I did exactly the opposite of what I've written above. I kept thinking about the project, the time that was going to be wasted, the patients whose blood I would have to take, the ignorance of my Guide for having put me through all this (although the Lipids may have been the reason why the project got selected in the first place), the sadistic happiness that the Director was getting (again, although, he might have been telling me the truth), my term end exams, my univ exams (yes, I went to the extent of planning out my schedule for the repeat year). I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I became an insomniac within a day!
Being who I am, I couldn't share this with anybody. My Mom, bless her soul, saw right through me, and gave me a boost up the next morning. The fact that two patients came that day, and I could finally say that I had started my project, made me a little settled.
Since then, however, I've been trying to find the right rhythm. The insomnia has sort of remained. I still get up  at 5 in the morning and manage to study a little. Going to the Diabetic OPD is something I have come to dread. The compliance of patients is 50%, so now, I've decided not to go there at all. I'll just hunt down patients in the wards. That way, the irritating bug (Wednesday Diabetic OPD awaits you. HAHAHA!!!!) that keeps haunting me all through the week, will disappear. I am trying to just divide my day into parts. 8-9:30 am will be dedicated to looking for cases. Thereafter, posting. The afternoon onward will be my study time. Exams are coming up next month, and I need to score. That means I need to study, HARD.
I do panic. There are loads of moments. But, I'm trying to manage. Journals have added to the tension. The to-do list never seems to reduce! My brother (in the 12th grade now) had his entrance exams. My Mom had gotten really nervous. I sat with her throughout the day for company. During that time, I finished writing two journals. The trick is always multi-tasking. I have never been good at it. I've chosen an awful time to learn it, but I can give it a shot, right?
Right now, everything else in on the back burner. I had had the idea of applying to a few universities abroad for some courses after my Univ exams. I've decided to chuck those plans. There is no way I can do everything and succeed in it all. I got past the IDS, that is enough. Now I'm just going to concentrate on my studies and the project. I can't wait for the Surgery posting to begin. I can almost feel the fresh rejuvenation already :-)
Life sucks. A lot. Having to deal with so many people now, I've realised that. It isn't all rosy, this growing up. When you are a medical student in the GMC, the word doesn't even fit into your dictionary of life. I have gotten really low over the past few weeks. There were times, when I thought I should to take some medication to shut out the many thoughts swimming around at Olympic-record time in my head, so that I could concentrate on a single one. But, I got past all that, and am still standing ok. Yeah, I lost weight, and the radiance of my face (according to my Mom). Point is, I got through it. I still dread going to hunt for cases, but I still manage to end up doing it all. I'm far back in my studies, but i know and hope I can do it in time. I'm shit scared and nervous about the next month, but I can still smile and crack jokes right now.
This is reality- not easy, but easy enough to give you a chance to make it so :-)
Best of luck for Paeds, Jill!! Do well :-)      

Love

Have I ever talked about love before? Over the past decade or so, I've made up lots of definitions of 'love'. They were related to different things - food, book, colour, boys, sports, style, song, chords, etc, etc. The one thing that was common in all of them was constancy - the constancy of my feelings for all those things. So I have come to the conclusion that love is what is enduring and unchanging. Feelings that change over time are not "love". Yes, Jill, wonderful discovery!! You've really got out some new information! The path of the whole world is about to change!! (I hope that sounds sarcastic enough:-p)
I'm not going to take names obviously. As a teenager, I had my share of crushes and great loves. Every new crush was supposed to last forever, be that "special someone". It was good while the feeling lasted. Then, one fine day, I would get up in the morning and ask myself what I even saw in that guy!! But, it was during this time that I found I was better at being in love with broader things- like certain food, cricket, tennis, Westlife songs. Yes, I felt that zoom in my stomach every time one of those came into the picture. And it has remained unchanged over a long time.
Day before my Dad and I went for the IPL match between Pune Warriors and Mumbai Indians. Before I start gushing about the whole experience, let me give you a background about my mental state.
I AM CRAZY ABOUT CRICKET! I am obsessed with it. The obsession started in 2003 and has continued till date. I used to just list cricket as my favourite game before that year. I can watch any game of cricket involving any team. I obviously prefer my faourite teams, but I'd still watch a match just for the love of the game. Before I entered Medical school, I knew the names and faces of all the international cricketers, their coaches, the Physios and the Umpires. Since, entering Medical school, I can't boast upto that extent, but hey, I'm pretty much a walking encyclopedia about the current players. I love reading autobiographies of cricketers. My ultimate dream is to go on a cricket-nations tour and visit all the cricket grounds in those countries, reliving my favourite matches in each of those stadiums. As every other fan, I would do anything to talk to my favourite cricketers.

The Subrata Roy Sahara Stadium

Go ahead, call me stupid. But, the game is my release. This and Harry Potter are two things that get my mind off everything else on earth. Oh yes, also a Rafa match. But, I'm drifting away. I love cricket and I love me for loving it.
So, we went to Gahunje, and my first reaction on seeing that field was, "OH MY GOD!! WOOOOOWWWW!!" A circular field, velvety green, surrounded by the stands with no pillars, the grass all fresh and inviting, it was beautiful!! I think the Wanderers or MCG or SCG will obviously be more inviting because of the history attached to them. But the Subrato Roy Stadium was simply stunning!!
The match was good too :-) After all, Pune did bowl well. It was disappointing to see us lose by that one run. But, hey, that's cricket :-) I was excited that I finally got to saw Michael Clarke (especially the dancing Michael Clarke) and Steve Smith for real. I think that really made my day. I realised that my passion for the game and its players and its teams is for real. When I was sitting there, my mind was off everything else. I heard news that would have, at another time, gotten me pissed. There, it made no difference. It felt so refreshing to be in that state of mind.

Dad and Me Cheering Our Team On :-))

Over the past few months, I've been wondering why I seem to drift away from things and not feel passionate or in love about anything. The game made me realise that my thoughts aren't right. I do have the passion. If I'm not feeling passionate about something, I'm just not into it. Its time to throw all that stuff away. As usual, it has been cricket to my rescue again :-)
Come on, man Pune, get back to your winning ways!!
Our Inter-disciplinary Seminar on Hospital-Acquired Infections was held today. It was a success in every way :-) We all spoke well, and since the topic and the way we handled it ( we went infection-wise rather than subject-wise) were different from the usual line, the crowd was kept interested. Over all, it was a great experience. I loved being on stage (as usual :-)). I was very disappointed with some of the teachers sitting right in front and yawning right through our presentations. As teachers, they are not expected to do that. We, students, spend a lot of time and energy creating these presentations and running behind these very teachers asking for their help. In return, we get a lot of attitude and high-handedness. The least they could do, is on the day of the real thing, be mentally and physically present and supportive.
It has been a tiring week. I don't feel all that great about it. But, I have my awesome presentation to look at and World Laughter Day (6th May) coming up, to brighten my mood a little. Come on girl, lets stand straight and face the next week with your head held high!!

A Medicine Disaster Story

Me - At the BEGINNING of the Medicine  Posting

Me - MID-WAY through the Posting

Me - 2-3 days BEFORE the Term End  Examination

I write today, having emerged from a vicious battle; a battle that left me feeling thwarted and scarred; a battle which made me question the very reason I was put in there; a battle which gave me sniff of victory early on, only to take it far far away at the end.

Good evening, dear Readers, welcome to the post-term end report of the Medicine Term-end.

The past week has put forth shocks at the speed of, well, not light...at the speed of sound. It all started on Monday. I decided to go for the OPD after 2 whole weeks of staying out of it. I am a pretty sincere student, so I was feeling really guilty for not having attended it, in the previous two weeks. I reached the OPD and there came 

Shock No. 1 :Our not-so-down-to-earth Chief Resident had LOST HIS VOICE!! Ok, so a few words about this guy. He loves to talk. In fact, there isn't a second when he won't talk. He is a mountain of knowledge, but doesn't    complement that with much humility. He teaches really well, too, but wastes time in between. And - what irritates me most- he loves to be on great terms with the teachers, usually at the students' expense. I simply hate it when these residents make it their job to trash students. We're supposed to be little children. Treat us with care and love, will you!

So, this guy had lost his voice. It didn't stop him talking, but yeah, the load had reduced. It was funny and sad. Funny, because his voice was really gone, and it was nice to see him helpless for once :-p Sad, because, he wouldn't really be able to teach, and because, I pity every single person who gets a sore throat.

Shock No. 2 : He knew my NAME and RANK STATUS in my class!! I know I've done well in the past, but that simply doesn't put me on the map, right? Here I was, standing in the OPD, regretting every single moment for coming, and enjoying every single moment for hearing that funny voice. Out of nowhere, when I answer wrong, he says. " Why are you answering like that? Aren't you the topper??" Wow. The guy gets his information and how! I was pleased, yes ( I agree I don't have a lot of humility inside of me), but I was flabbergasted at the same time. How in the world did that happen?? And on top of that, he took my NAME.  Oh my God! Now he knew me. Any chance of being unnoticed went out of that OPD door.

Shock No. 3 : I know no ECGs. ECGs have evoked that Phobia system in my brain. Due to the miraculously perfect functioning of this system, I get Phobias of things very very easily. Stuff like the darkness (unless I can see the dark sky studded with its diamond stars), lizards, heights, certain chapters in Maths, Physics, FMT, Biostats and the newest addition - ECGs, freaks me out immensely. The fact that nobody really taught us ECG properly put together with another fact that almost everyone in class and in my batch could read ECGs pretty well, just multiplied that problem. Our tutor did teach us ECGs, but fact is that the patterns shown in books are never really seen in practice thanks to the machine-related errors. ECG- reading also requires practice, which I do not do, because I am so phobic about the whole thing. As the week went by, I started having panic attacks. I did not have the time to read the book and practice reading 100 ECGs and the ECG was worth 5 whole marks. Knowing me, you know how particular I am about each and every mark.

Shock No. 4 : I develop a sore throat and severe Sinusitis with GI symptoms too...Swine Flu?? This was the biggest scare of them all. The lingering thought in my mind that any day, I could end up in the hospital, ate up a lot of the tension related to my term-end, but brought on newer and bigger problems. I had taken the vaccine, you know. I have also gotten sick a lot of time since then. However, this time, the clinical features of Swine Flu have changed and it is now associated with GI symptoms. Also, I have spent a lot of time in SGH, with no mask and the place has loads of suspects. So I couldn't think of anything else. It turned out to be baseless and stupid any way. The GI symptoms went off in a day. I am healthy as a pony (I won't say horse, because I am on the thinner and smaller side) right now. Scary, though.

Shock No. 5 : We find our new CR ( not the one from Shock No. 1) taking our term end instead of Kadam Sir. WTH!!
The tradition is that if Dr. Kadam is present, he takes the Vivas of the first and the last groups. We were the first. It was known and expected by all that we would have to face him. In fact, the three of us were waiting for that moment. We have had the experience of his Viva last year. To say it in one word - SATISFACTION. Agreed, he asks his own set of questions. They make you think, and they follow a logical pattern. More importantly, he leads you on. There aren't hints as such, but he puts you on the right track. You learn too. Ultimately, even if you haven't been able to rattle off all that you know, you are satisfied because you have managed to wriggle yourself out of his Viva in a good way. That feeling can only be felt. No words will describe that feeling.
Having been there once, we knew we were in a good, if not, better position to face him. Disappointment showed on all our faces when that CR walked up to us. If he had been nice, it may not have mattered. What can you do, when every answer of yours is shot down with a big "NO", before you even complete it? And who can calm you down when you say something you know is correct and the reaction is , "Are you writing a new chapter of CNS?! Hahahahaha!!! You know nothing!" This misnomer of a Viva continued for half an hour. It ended with all of three of us telling him we did not like Medicine and we were NOT interested in doing it. The look on his face was worth it. We had taken such a wonderful case and he ruined our moment of pride. There is no way I am even going to look at him again, let alone, talk to him. The end result was that, we didn't really warm up for the Univ exams, we didn't get to know questions that we may face later on, we did not learn anything new, our old knowledge was laughed upon and our morale related to CNS and Medicine wasn't just broken; it was ground into microscopic little pieces that we can't even put together. Oh, and yes, it made me decide I shall not take up Medicine. I would take it up if my life depended on it, but then I know I am strong enough not to be faced with such a choice.

Me - AFTER the Term-End examination
"I will not rest until I have had my stomach's fill."

This disaster wasn't foreseen, especially after a nice table Viva in which I could identify and read the ECG and the X-Rays and even talk about the instruments and drugs. I hope I don't face such an episode any time in the future. I am not made of wood, and a repeat of that term-end will not leave me stronger than before. It will just add to the misery.

Over the weekend, I have healed my wounds. I start afresh today. We have Orthopaedics Posting now and I aim to finish reading the book once at least. I completed two chapters today so I know I am going to manage this.

Subconscious Priorities

When you start dreaming about your college life, it helps you put things into perspective. On the surface, there are a million things to think of; a million things to do and a million things trying to get your attention at the same time. Dreams really just line them all up, starting from the most important to the least important.

Over the past few days, I’ve been dreaming. The important point to note is that, I’ve dreamt about stuff that I have never acknowledged as stuff that has troubled me or made me uneasy when I thought of it. However, I guess I was wrong. It has affected me more than I thought it did, or should I say, more than I wanted it to.

Let’s start with the first.

A dark background all around me…I’m assuming it is night. I’m outside an unknown cabin - a wooden one like in those Cowboy movies. I’m sure I’m alone yet there are a few people with me. I have my cell phone with me, but I don’t feel like calling anybody as of now. Out of nowhere, there come a group of people – no wait, there appear to be two groups of people. I seem to recongise some faces…hell, yeah! These are my Medicine and Surgery Residents. What are they doing here?? They see me. They are shocked to say the least. The very next second, they’re holding my arms. The Medicine group gets to me first. I know I am being kidnapped but can’t really do anything about it.

The Residents start bombarding me with questions -Medicine-related questions. I can answer a few, and at the one question I can’t answer, I’m being dragged off with that group. When this happens, the other group jumps up to my rescue. Not rescue exactly, because, the moment there is a question I can't answer from their list, I'm just dragged off there! And then, I get a phone call. Again, from a surgery resident. He seems to want to tell me something, but just keeps beating about the bush. I'm scared. I can't tell him where I am. I keep wondering whether he is involved in this very operation or not. Ultimately, he doesn't end up doing much to help me. 
I did not get up with a jerk or anything. I got up with an uneasy mind and a tough day to look forward to. I know I haven't been on top of my timetable. But, such dreams are definitely going to push me onto Insomnia big time!
Moving on to the second:
Let me first give a brief background to this one. I've had two such dreams. They are both related to the ICMR project I was intent on doing a few months back. At this moment, in April, I know for a fact that I will not be able to do everything possible, and giving my time to the ICMR project is just going to spoil my chances of doing well in Final year.
The first dream basically had my to-be Guide shouting his head off at me, when I go to tell him that I don't want to do the project. This was obviously related to an incident from day before, when he told our batch off for making too much noise in an evening clinic. It was the first time I had seen him lose his head, and I think, I was a little traumatised by that experience. Hence, the dream. I just stand helpless, waiting for the dream to end, by the way.
The second dream came yesterday. After cajoling myself to at least take a look at the list of selected projects, I found that my project had been selected. So now, my dream had me walking about in college, trying to make up my mind whether to meet my Guide now or not. Out of nowhere, lots of people start coming and wishing me congratulations for having been selected. It appears on Facebook and I seem to be caught in this big trap. I want to say no, but I can't seem to say it. And nobody even wants to listen to what I have to say. Scary.
These two dreams bring me to the main worry I have. Do I want to do the project? I have a stack of points for not doing the project:
1. There is way too much to study in Final year. I know I'm not that strong. So whatever time I get to waste, I want to be able to waste it and not spend in more work.
2. My aim in doing the project was to improve my CV when it came to applying to universities abroad. I am now leaning more towards doing my PG in India, in which case it won't really matter. Also, it isn't necessary to have a project under your belt. I have my academic record and lots of certificates to which I shall add many more in the coming few months.
3. My Ethics certificate hasn't come, in which case, I shall have to wait till June. That is when my Terminals would begin. Not a great time.
4. I'm just not in the mood any more to run around looking for patients.


For doing the project, there are a few points too:
1. It has been selected. That means it is good enough and there are going to be some results which would really help the future of Medicine.
2. It will add to my CV any way, whether I like it or not.
3. I won't get another chance.


Add on, the fear of facing my to-be guide, yeah, I'm pretty screwed. I just hope he takes it nicely and helps me put my mind at ease. 


I'm doing the Inter-Disciplinary Seminar this time. The topic is 'Hospital-Acquired Infections' and I shall be dealing with the Surgery aspect of it. The reason I am so proud of this is that, I was chosen on the basis of my performance at the University Examination. Initially, there was going to be an elimination round. The Academic Committee, finally decided to just go with the Univ marks.
I'd had a conversation with a friend about our marks after the results came out. He said, it didn't really matter because nobody was going to bother about these marks later. I, on the other hand, was a big supporter of the rank system and was delighted about what all I had achieved. The selection of participants for this time's IDS, simply added weight to my argument. I feel that whatever I get, on the basis of my marks at Univ exams, I thoroughly deserve. That's 'cause I work my ass off for these exams. Thus, I am extremely proud of my selection. I wanted Surgery and I got it too. So I am pretty happy right now.
Our Medicine term-end comes up on Friday the 13th. I hope to do well there. It is going to be a busy week up ahead. Let's hope it shall start well and end well.  

There's always a way out :-)

There's always something worth it over that blessed rainbow :-)

Questions

Our HoU has a smart way of training us into doctors. He has allotted each of us undergraduate students a bed in our Ward. We have to go talk to our patients, ask them for their histories, examine them, and follow them up throughout the time that they are admitted. The moment they get discharged, a new patient gets admitted and the same routine continues.

In the past one month, I’ve only had two patients on the bed allotted to me. Initially, we did not take this allotment that seriously, so I didn’t really talk to the first patient. The few times that I did, I just got a superficial history, nothing more. No, it is the second patient that has made me speculate about the seriousness of becoming a doctor.

To cut things short, this patient has Pneumonia and is a known case of Acute Kidney Injury. The first time I met him, he looked pretty bad. A 60 yr old, coughing incessantly, with a Central line and other tubings put, doesn’t cut a very bright picture. I had a long conversation with his son, who was giving me the history. It included a lot of questions from my side regarding the case, and a lot of questions from his side, regarding the overall prognosis and the future implications.

I have to say, it made me think a great deal. Here was this 40 yr old man asking me, if his father would survive and how long. I, who for all practical purposes, myself, did not know how severe the disease was, had to answer the most important question that a patient can ask a doctor. Such a situation only makes me wonder how brave we have to be, to take up such a responsibility.

I’ve just heard that, ultimately, doctors deal with living beings, so the job is tough. But, we are humans too. How in the world can we just take up the responsibility of deciding how long another of the same kind will live? Patients believe in us. The internet and sophisticated instruments may have made patients more aware, but ultimately they trust us. How strong do we need to be mentally to be able to return that trust?

I told that man pretty nicely that his father would live long in the right precautions were taken. However, when I was going back, I kept asking myself, how was I to know that there was even a need for those precautions? What if that patient was already way past gone? What if I was just giving his son a false ray of hope? Who was I to even pass a small judgment on another fellow?

For such a question, is there even an answer? Even studying all the books on a particular disease will not be able to give me enough power to believe in what I’m saying. If I can’t believe what I’m telling the patient, how can I expect him to believe it? When the patient does believe it, I want to simply shout out to him that I’m not good enough, and he shouldn’t take my word for it.

Such thoughts are scary. Today, I have people above me. Tomorrow, there won’t be any. At such a time, I will need to raise myself up to a level, where I shall get a good night sleep and not worry about whether I have given the right advice to my patients. Self-belief is the toughest to get. When it is a person like me, the task simply gets worse.

The questions that torment me, today, are going to torment me for sometime. After all, I’m not a genius at Medicine. I just hope to strive hard towards being able to answer them. In doing so, I know I shall be able to be what I want to be.

A GOOD DOCTOR.