My Go-To Comfort Food

This was my first attempt at making pasta from scratch....not scratch actually (I got ready made pasta)....but I made the sauce...and it tasted delicious...yumm.....it will always remain my go-to food....always :-)

Musings of an Insecure Mind (innate + internship-effect)

It has been almost two months since I last wrote. Internship SUCKS. And as days go by, the feeling of getting used to the whole routine doesn’t make this thought any more palatable. When I was in final year, all I wanted was to get out of it and redeem myself with that one month break between results and the end of exams. During that one month, each day, I went a step closer to the beginning of this internship. Damn, I hated that.

We’ve had Paediatrics and are currently posted in Orthopaedics. Let’s begin with Paediatrics-

If there is ever a place that can frustrate you no end, upset you to interfering with your sleep, anger you to the extent of wanting to burn the place down, exhaust you to such a degree that the mere thought of burning the place down makes you anxious about the extra work you have to do….it is Paediatrics. I did not see my home clearly. I used to leave early in the morning and come back late night only to go to sleep and start with the same routine all over again. We did not get any holidays (No Government Holidays and no Sunday Holidays either). I was pitted against the most annoying girl on earth (no, probably universe)….not just annoying, manipulative, irritating, fussy, un-accomodating and a COMPLETE BITCH, if there ever was one. Out of the four weeks that I was posted in Paediatrics she was with me in three. It started with small fights, and by the end of the month, there was a war. One more day and I swear I’d have slapped her in front of the entire ward. That would have been exhilarating. I don’t mind working long hours and learning something. We did not even do anything amazing. In the ICUs all we ever did was monitoring, until I got myself the job of taking skin and rectal swabs for new patients and making the Bubble C-Pap for the Respiratory patients. I did learn Tracheal suction. I think that was a major landmark, because after we interns started doing it, all patients on the ventilator walked out healthy. Since there was no Junior Resident posted with us, and the Senior Residents thought it below their dignity to do something like a tracheal suction, we lost a few patients to ETT blockage. That thought hurt, you know. It was our fault, after all. So, the next a patient was put on the ventilator, we all took the responsibility of ensuring that a block wasn’t the cause of death. The pride I felt when I saw that girl walk home (breathing on her own) was the highest feeling I got in that one month.

We did not do lab, all we did was, take it from the residents and send it to the concerned laboratory. That was a bad feeling. I mean, you are interns. Lab collection is what you DO. In Paediatrics, they stripped us off the one job that we usually do with a little pride. Add to all this, the stress of the Project, Poster and 25 MCQs that we have to make during that one month. I was intent on making a paper out of my project, so I had to do it properly. I don’t know how I managed it all. I haven’t been so lost to the world and its happenings as I was during that one month.

Orthopaediacs, in comparison, is a fairytale. They have allowed us rotations so ultimately, each of us needs to go and work only twice a week. Emergency days are terrifying. It is heavy and there is no question of eating or even sitting down on that day. I finished my second ED yesterday and I was dead. Completely dead. But, I get time at home….time to make my research papers, time to send them to journals, time to do all the other work I have pending (like writing this blog J ) and time to just sit and still tell myself, you shall have time to study later on.

All is currently good. But, of course, I can’t wait to finish Orthopaedics. I like studying it, but I don’t like being a part of the team. I don’t particularly enjoy the whole scene, never have.

What I really want to write about today, is something that I heard yesterday. So friend of mine messaged me yesterday saying that he may be the topper in Paediatrics in our college. The list may be out this week (or there may be a function this week) and since he isn’t here, I may have to go and check. Have I mentioned before that my Paediatrics marks hurt? I missed out on distinction by one mark (and that left me with no distinctions this year, which hurt in places that I knew it would hurt). Wost part is, I know exactly where I lost that one mark that could have given me something close to pride about my performance this year. Yesterday, he told me that he may be the topper and also that he had crossed that distinction mark (75%). I had been cherishing this tiny hope that I may be the topper of Paediatrics (because the people above my rank have all scored less than me). I was hoping that I may get at least one prize this year (since all the others are totally out of my reach). But, that doesn’t seem to be so now. This friend of mine has scored way lesser than I have. It never crossed my mind that he could get more marks than me in any subject. When I read his message yesterday, I had half a mind to not reply and half a mind to send a really rude message. Ultimately, I gave myself some time to cool down and sent a congratulatory message. Which has left me pondering over my morals-

I always give importance to the marks scored. I want those awards, all that adulation, not because it swells my pride up to the point of bursting, but because it makes me think a little better about my own capability. In the long run, nobody will give as much importance to number of distinctions I got in so many number of subjects, or the list of prizes I won for my academic excellence in college (not even at the University level), or that fact that I stood 1^st/2^nd/4^th in class. What will be more important is the research I’ve done, the papers I’ve published, the places I’ve been to, the skill I have, the knowledge I manage to use practically (all that an examination doesn’t test at all!). And yet, I go hankering after all these marks, all the ranks, all the awards I don’t get….I, even if it is for a moment, spoil all the positive relations I have with people I call ‘friends’ and wish they go rot in hell. I hate being like this. This is insecurity. Insecurity that shouldn’t even be present because time and again, I’m facing examples of people who haven’t had the kind of academic achievements I’ve been lucky to get, but are doing amazing things, getting awesome placements in the best Universities in the world.

I wish I could change myself, I really wish I could. It is a good thing to desire to achieve the best there can be. But, it comes with this sort of a mentality as an auxillary, then it isn’t worth thinking of reaching that place.

Yes, its all out now…feeling better J I have a two day off now. I hope I study J

Curtain Falls

It has finally happened!! My ICMR Project report is out, and it says -

Wait for it!

APPROVED!!!!!!!!


 I'm so relieved!! I have had so much trouble with this whole project idea this year, I can't actually believe my eyes which read that "Approved". Yes, everyone around me told me that it was a good topic, that Diabetes is a subject that no researcher can ignore, that the effort I had taken was for real and that the authorities would see that, that I deserved to get the approval.....but, my whole experience was one big roller-coaster....I never believed that I would touch solid ground, until I did for real. Yes, I have finally touched solid ground.
From the complications that arose from our Symposium Competition and the submission of the Research proposal clashing....to the missing of the date for the Ethics Committee Meeting...to the decision of almost giving up this project, irrespective of whether the ICMR allowed me to do it or not....to that provisional certificate that was given and then revoked (after I'd completed my study)....to having been called to present my topic before the Ethics Committee (something that has never happened with ICMR projects before)....to running around behind the new Head of the Ethics Committee to give me my approval letter....to having to buy the Lipid Profile Kit for my project....to having to make the numerous trips to the lab to get things moving...to having gotten my mom to college to collect the blood of my first two patients....to getting so nauseous out of worry that I did not eat for two whole days...to coming everyday to college compulsorily to get two (and any more being called 'bonus') patients of Diabetes everyday....to having trouble with the Statistics of the project....to waiting till the last minute (after my Prelims got over) to create a report out of whatever I'd managed to find....to that final horror of a day when things got unruly at home, and I still managed to send the whole report to ICMR.....yeah, it has been quite a journey.
I made mistakes along the way, I hated my life along the way too....I made life hell for all the people close to me, friends and family included. It was tough, but it was an experience...something that I shall never forget for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to conduct research, I know the pains people take to do something that can get them something more than just plain knowledge (the feeling of having done something great, found something new)....I understand why people fall in love with their papers and hate it when they get rejected from Journals they are sent to for publication. I landed at the other end of the scale...instead of falling in love, I hated it....I thought I could've come up with something grand, and I did not. Which hurt, yes it did. But, I think it is grand now. Out of the 1000s in the country who applied for this Short-Term Studentship, they selected around 200, and out of those 200, they approved my whole research. Yes, this is a good positive feeling.
Looking back, I probably don't want to miss the Ethics Committee meeting date. That is pretty much it. I wouldn't change a thing about my experience while doing this project. I met some really good patients...I was told many good things by a lot of patients....my 70 patients, who shared a part of their life with me deserve a big thank you. I learnt a lot about talking to you, being kind, appreciating the problem you have, trying to make things better for you...as I said in the assessment of my experience, I grew as a doctor, I learnt to be a doctor and a human being. I might not be very gentle during my internship, but I do know that I have a responsibility to treat every human as human, give importance to everything the patient has to say, and always be kind, no matter what. Yes, that was my biggest lesson.
It would've been such a bummer to not have got this approval...I'd have probably been chanting all sorts of negative thoughts, hating those 4 months, wanting to have followed my heart and not wasted time in my project. But, God has been there, and been there in style :-) Thank you so much Dear God. You have no idea how much this means to me!!
So overall, yes, I hated the year. I took on a lot of things apart from plain studying-
1. The Symposium on Islet Cell Transplantation
2. The ICMR Project
3. The Seminar on Hospital-Acquired Infections
4. The Paediatrics Quiz
5. The TB Quiz
6. The Medicine Quiz
7. The Asthma Quiz
8. The load of my Final Year studies
Phew. I think I've done decently well then.
Oh yes, the reason for that 'decently well'-
My Final Year results are out....I've gotten 72.33% :-)
No distinctions though...missed the one in Paediatrics by one mark :-p
I'm 4th in College. Which is sort of cool :-)...a let-down on last year (73%, Rank 2), but after looking at that list above, I think I've done better than I thought I would have.
Results were declared on 28th February. Since I was doing that BLS and ACLS course, I'd decided not to check my result. The tentative date was always 28th Feb, so that day, I was on tenterhooks all day long. You can imagine my delight when I got a text from a friend saying that they were not going to be declared on that day, but maybe the next day. I was on Cloud 9. I've been ranting about how I don't want this result, haven't I? It was an answer to all my prayers.
I was so happy about passing my BLS examination, I updated my FB status to "I can save lives now." Turns out people took that as my status response to the results having been declared. Oops. A few phone calls down the line, I had to delete my happiness over my BLS course from FB. Weird thing is, the moment I deleted it, I got another text saying, "Results declared." Now, you would obviously think there was still some confusion over my just-deleted status. Which is what I thought and replied also. Fate had decided t play a trick on my me and my jolly mood though. Results did get declared. Hmm.
I thought I'd just check out the college list to see whether I'd passed or failed. Seeing that "PASS" against my name gave me a sigh of relief. At least there was no further exam to take 6 months down the line. Again to soothe my nerves down a bit, I called up my school friend, talked for half an hour, then decided to check my marks.
There they were- 651/900. Was I happy? Umm. Was I sad? Umm. I was actually empty on emotion. I had now gotten the tag of Dr. to my name, and I was still feeling empty. That was strange. I didn't really care about anything. I knew I hadn't topped but that did not matter...I knew I hadn't come 2nd, but somehow that did not hurt or matter either. These marks just proved that I was done. Done with this jam-packed final year forever. That gave me a calm, a serenity that did not budge for a long time (now it has, because the thought of internship scares the hell out of me). It has been that way about my results this year. I don't care. As long as I pass, that is all that matters. I feel more satisfied about my Project and my Course. Maybe that sounds strange....but it sounds good to me. And it has put my mind in a state that has come to terms with these marks much faster than ever before.
Done...now I can only look upward from here. No going back. 

BLS and ACLS

I thought of writing about the two most important things for me right now, together, but then it didn't really make sense. Let's have two different posts then.
I managed to complete the Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiac Life Support Courses. I am now a certified provider of both, and man, am I so confident and happy about the two!!
Day one was really good. One of my chief problems has been talking to people. Somehow, the two years higher secondary school and the four years of college taught me everything except communication. I haven't been the kind of a person who makes friends everywhere she goes, and these experiences just added to that trait more than ever. I haven't been doing a lot of out-of-college stuff, so the chance of trying to get out of this trait never came. I was worried about the experience of doing this alone. But, you know what, I'm not that bad after all. I did meet new people and definitely made a new friend :-)
Going back to the actual course- BLS was fantastic. Initially, the task of doing 5 cycles of 30 chest compressions with an interruption of <10secs :-="" :-p="" a="" after="" aha.="" aha="" an="" and="" anything="" arm="" as="" association="" at="" been="" between="" beyond="" bls="" but="" by="" can="" cardiopulmonary="" certified="" course="" day.="" designed="" do="" end="" examination="" got="" had="" has="" heart="" helps.="" hurt="" i="" if="" in="" into="" involves="" is="" it="" learning="" man="" merican="" method="" mode.="" more="" my="" nbsp="" now="" of="" on="" over="" p="" perceived="" period="" plus="" practical="" protocol="" providers="" really="" resuscitation="" s="" see-and-learn="" session="" step-by-step="" stupid="" superb.="" teaching="" technique="" than="" the="" there="" things="" this="" time="" to="" tough.="" under="" was="" we="" well="" were="" which="" wrist="" written="">

ACLS was more taxing. The whole process was beautifully organised. We were shown videos of teams managing cases...step-by-step videos....followed by putting-it-all-together videos, so the idea of an ACLS team was put through to us via visuals than mere didactic sessions. Those videos were a class apart. I have always admired the importance of protocols and organisation given in the Healthcare system in the US. This course provided perfect evidence to my previous heard-from-others respect.

From my point of view, the ACLS was more demanding. I haven't worked in a hospital before, haven't been a part of a team that needs to save a dying patient, haven't ever needed to think fast, act fast, be on my toes all the time, manage a whole team, think of what everyone is doing and ensuring that it done well. That is exactly what this course was about. I was the youngest person there, having just completed my final year of undergrad (and not even a doctor on the first day, our results were declared that evening). I was quite taken aback, when they said that we were going to be tested on our ability to be team leaders and guide a team to perform an ACLS service. Yeah, here I was, fresh out of medical school from India (where they don't teach you anything not-theoretical)....having my own doubts about calling myself a doctor and now, I was supposed to consider myself the most experienced out of the whole team and order them around as if I knew what it was exactly I have to do. I've always had my doubts about my own capabilities, but the second day of our course, those doubts stood out like tall pillars hiding me from what I knew was to be done. The instructors kept saying that when you know the algorithms by heart, there isn't much difference between a doctor and a non-medical person. All you have to do is follow the protocol and the algorithm.
Then came the task of identifying cardiac rhythms. Have I ever mentioned how stupid I am, when it comes to cardiac rhythms? Those ECGs were never taught to our batch (our bad, and only our bad. All my friends in other batches came to final year knowing how to read ECGs). They gave me nightmares during exams (and my final university examination, luck stood by me. I got an Inferior Wall MI to identify, the only rhythm I could identify). So, when they said you have to analyse rhythmns, yes, I threw up inside of me. I'd rather do something else. What added to my stress further was that everyone else already knew the rhythms (thanks to being doctors working for years, or doctors who'd completed their internship.). I was terrified. Let alone having ever seen a defibrillator or a TCP device before, I couldn't even identify rhythms. How was I to know whether to shock the patient or not?
Day two left me a little bruised inside. I was wondering how I'd fare in the examination the next day. I was wondering whether it had been a good decision to do this course now, at the start of my internship. A lot of questions swum around in my head, as I mugged up all those algorithms and tried out all sorts of permutations and combinations of them, thinking of patients weaving out of one rhythm and going into another.
I don't know whether it was the feel of a new day or just the fact that I'd studied hard enough to finally get hold of the idea, but next day (i.e. yesterday) when we practised again, I was understanding things, thinking for myself, looking at myself as a team leader, and gaining confidence as I did it all. It helped that our instructor was very pleasant and very nice about all the doubts I had, explaining every little thing to me. So as luck would have it, my practical went really well. So well that the examiner asked me where I worked :-p Lol!! When I told him that I was yet to start with internship, he gave me this surprised+satisfied look and said, "Very Good then. I thought you were working in some institution." Such a boost. The theory was a little tough, but I managed to get the required percentage. Yay!!

So now I am a certified BLS and ACLS Provider for two years....I have the confidence to know and do exactly what I need to save a dying patient in the casualty....and yes, I feel more like a doctor now than I felt immediately after our results were declared (when I officially became one :-p) 

The Day Before

I can't believe I'm being like this. Although, I actually believe it. yes, that blasted day is just round the corner and all I can think of and wish for is Jan 12th to return back.....ahhh...those wonderful first few days after exams got over....so relaxed, so carefree, so alive and so real....I can't bring them back, but I keep wishing for it.

I have no expectations this year, that I have to stay true to. The Rank 2 from last year managed to get that demon off my chest. Of course, I won't be terrified the moment I know the result is out (like last year. I freaked myself out. I swear I have a dual personality disorder. One is as cool as a cucumber, the other as Type A a personality as can be.). I know I probably did all I could for those exams. I was just glad to see them through and know, just know that I had managed to do enough to see the back of them. It isn't the same as last year. It is different. Yet, the fear of the result does not go away. Thanks to my awesome 2nd year result, I now have expectations that are so sky high, I simply know I haven't done that much hard work to do justice to them. I want to do so well. I want that No. 1 and that hurts.....it is no use asking for that No. 1 when you haven't put in the same amount of effort. When I haven't done enough, why should I want it? 

That is the question that plants the fear of tomorrow in my head. The passionate desire and the practical common sense clash, and that irrational desire always gets the upper hand. Whoever said that practicality is always victorious. I know exactly how I'll be feeling minutes before I open that page:

"Please please please God, let me pass (with really awesome marks, I'm not going to lie to you).

No God, just let me pass, I don't care about those 'awesome' marks (but I do!!).

NO God, let me pass....and let me get what I truly deserve (maybe a teeny weeny bit more?)

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know there are many others who have done much more than me, so you know, just give me what I deserve and get it over with. Nobody is going to ask me about this 10 years down the line (oh but they will, because more marks, stronger CV, better chances. Logic, girl.)

Damn your 'logic'. You know better than myself what I've managed to do and not do. I know you'll be just, because you have many people to care about, and frankly, all of them are asking you for the same thing as I am. So, thank you for some wonderful results in the past 2 years. Hope it is the same this year, at least enough for this year."

Yes, that will be the conversation in my head....between that Desire and that Practicality. Ultimately, the Practicality will get strong enough to drown that Desire's voice, but my Desire isn't one to back down so easy....it'll continue screaming...at a really low volume yes, but it shall continue. I hate myself for being like this (for being human actually....who doesn't aspire things out of their reach, eh?)...I'm not one of those self-centred people who think they are so important for the world to survive, so I do feel wrong when I pray the way my Desire just prayed. But, it is a trait I haven't been able to get rid of. All thanks to identifying my true potential after the disasterous first year. This does not just include the exam performance. It includes all those small post-end examinations that managed to make me believe I was good at Medicine.

Any way, I've enrolled for a Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support (BLS & ACLS), conducted under the aegis of Symbiosis Institute of Health Sciences in association with the American Heart Association. It starts tomorrow. I shall try and concentrate on the course and not answer any calls/messages or communication of any kind that says, "Results are out." Lets hope this has the same effect as taking a journey to a destination unknown.....to try calm my nerves down a little. I do have a strange feeling that that isn't going to happen....and that this course is not going to be as great as I'd initially thought it was going to be. I'm not much of a hands-on person...and that is exactly what this course requires. But, it is essential in my endeavour to be eligible for Universities abroad, so need to do it. Sigh.

Help me, Dear God....calm me down, let tomorrow be a happy day, and let this year come to a decent end :-)

The Oscars

I want to watch the Oscars. Right now, as they happen Live. And I have the time to do it too. As my luck would have it, I'm stuck without the one TV channel that is broadcasting them live. My luck sucks to the extent that when I called up customer care to get that channel, they tell me that since I have some add-on packs running, I can't buy one particular channel. Instead, I'll have to buy a whole pack of channels.
Sometimes, I hate these companies SO much. I'll be paying more money for that one channel than for those 5 combined. So frankly, they will gain something by allowing me to have my one channel. But, it works better with the rule they have - if you want one channel, get rid of all your add-on packs, and then take each channel separately. The games these people play. Hmmm.
Moving back to the Oscars- I love watching them. They come at an awesome time, thanks to the time zone of the venue. Nothing is more enterprising than getting up early, finishing everything there is to do and then sitting in front of the television screen to enjoy a real show of talent. That's actually another reason why I love them. Movies which are truly good actually make it to the nominations (unlike our Hindi film industry counterparts, who depend a lot on the star power, production house power, song and dance power and marketing tactics, instead of giving more emphasis to performances). And I've always hated the whole idea of dance performances all throughout the evening during all our Indian award functions. Firstly, most of the stars who perform, don't look like they've practised a lot. The troupe behind them is what carries the show through, as these guys depend only upon their mere presence. I watched the Idea Filmfare Awards, and the only performance I liked was that of Hrithik Roshan. Out of the whole damn evening.
My favourite movie this year has been Life of Pi. What visuals!! The book was always captivating. But what the movie has done to the book, is magic. It has managed to ask questions of the viewer in every frame, in every dialogue, in every movement. The director said that this movie does things to you, not during, but after it is over and you're lying down on your bed, waiting for sleep to come. That's when you wonder....that's when you wish to answer....that's when the many messages that are hidden all through are unearthed....slow...steady....Did any body notice that the Island of the carnivores that Pi discovers was in the shape of Gautam Buddha lying down? It shows for just a split second. But, there you go....tiny moments like that. They touch you at places you didn't know your mind, heart, soul had.
I saw in the news that they won the Oscar for Cinematography and Visual Effects. Totally deserving. No competition. There was magic, there was wonder, there was a strange beauty in that whole journey.....a beauty that did not cease to be cherished even when it went wild, even when it was frightening.
The Alchemist did this to me when I read the book. There was this unearthly beauty, this out-of-the-world feeling of hope, positivity and love of everything there is to be. Life of Pi, the movie did it to me again. It was an intelligent decision not to read the book before watching the movie, I guess. When I read the book after, I managed to get the most I could, out of both.
Oh you stupid Cable Company. I was so interested in watching the Oscars this year. For a change, all the movies on the list genuinely interested me. Sigh... 

In a Soup

Today, my attempt is Mushroom Soup- something that I dearly love. I have a cookbook at home. I tried the recipe from that.

Ingredients:

200mg Mushrooms, chopped as you want them to look

½ lt of milk

4 cups of water

¼ cup of wheat flour (kanik)

Salt

Pepper

Butter

Garlic paste 1tsp

Method:

Clean and boil the mushrooms to get rid of all the dirt. Don’t boil them too much though. Boil just enough to get a softer feel to the mushrooms.

Cut them and sauté them in 1-2 tsp of butter.

Take half of the sauted mushrooms in a container. Add ¼ lt milk, the wheat flour and the garlic if you want. Blend till you get a thick paste. I couldn’t find my almonds to add here, but they taste great. So a few almonds or 1tbs of almond powder will add to the richness of the paste.

Now add the rest of the milk and water to that paste and start boiling.

Add the rest of the mushrooms, salt, pepper and garlic (if not added before). A little more butter will improve the taste.

Boil for 15-20 minutes.

Serve hot in a bowl with pepper garnish. Finely cut coriander or cream can also be used J

MUSHROOM SOUP - Garnished with Black Pepper

Grilled Veggies

GRILLED VEGGIES

The result of my first attempt at cooking in 2013 can be seen above. I had to do a lot of trial and error when it came to grilling, since I was using the microwave oven for it. Ultimately, after 7 minutes of using the microwave + convection option and another 2 minutes of microwave + grill option, I got something close to what I wanted.
The taste was outstanding. I have to thank Youtube for providing me with an easy marination recipe.

You can check it out in the video link above. The changes I would suggest are:
1. You can use Sabji Masala instead of the tandoori masala mentioned in the video.
2. I also used cauliflower and carrots.
3. Frying the veggies in a pan of 3 tsp oil or butter will improve the taste.
Next time I'll try boiling the veggies before marinating. That should help improve the final appearance of the grilled veggies.

Mom and Dad really liked the whole idea. I'd used a lot of vegetables and we didn't grill all of them. We had the rest in the form of a salad. That tasted great too :-)

Yay! Attempt No. 1- Exceeding Expectations :-)

Crazy Worry

February has begun, and now that dreaded countdown begins. As I sit and think now, I realize that it is worse to wait for the result than to wait for the examination that gives rise to that result. As much as I live for exams, with the passage of time, I have only become weaker and weaker in handling the stress of that result. Is that a part of growing up? Or is it my B12 defc acting up? Or is this simply me finally shedding my cool-as-a-cucumber image and going the Type A personality way? No idea.

When I look back over the past 4 years and my reactions to my result, they have been interesting in a way. First year, I had no clue. Absolutely no clue. I was out choosing tiles for our new home (yeah, imagine all my colour-coordination and artistic thoughts being sqashed by “YOUR RESULTS HAVE ARRIVED”). It was a shock, but since I wasn’t going anywhere near a computer for the next 2 hours at least, I was able to be myself when I finally laid my hands on the computer. Phew. That was my scariest result, because there was a danger I was going to fail Anatomy. I did not. Yay!!

Second year, I was at home, down with an upset stomach, watching my favourite event- ICC Cricket World Cup, 2011. It was my favourite match – Aus Vs Nz. It was a nice day, Aus was doing so well, they’d gotten NZ out for an under 200 score (I think around 161). When I watch cricket, I’m usually far away from my cellphone, which was precisely the case at that time too. Messages went unnoticed,  phone calls too. I still don’t know what made me go and check my cellphone to have my friends calling and telling me my big news- that I’d topped. I’m not going into the details of that day. I was unprepared and that helped me keep my cool a little.

Third Minor year was when I lost it. I did. It was the pressure of that second year result, and I lost it. Today, looking back, I don’t know what else I could have done to get more marks, but I wasn’t happy about my result and that day does not stand as one of my happy days. When I started studying after that, I thought that the pressure to top was off me, now that I’d relinquished that throne. In fact, during my I-don’t-care-a-damn moments, I don’t have that pressure at all. But, ever since February started, those nice moments have been few.

I end up thinking about all the things that went wrong in all those practicals, all the ways I could have managed to cram up my timetable more than I managed, all the luck I could have had in the world if I’d just tried harder (Have I mentioned that I believe in the philosophy “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”? I think I have mentioned it before in one of my posts). It hurts. This feeling of inadequacy hurts. I know I could not possibly have done any more than I managed. I know that my efforts are good enough to get me my MBBS degree. I also happen to know that my parents are going to me incredibly proud of me for finishing this course in a sane manner.

And I also know a few things about myself:

1.       I’ve become greedy. You’ve shown me that coveted Rank 1 once. Now I keep wanting it again. Even when I know, I don’t deserve it.

2.       I may say that marks don’t matter, but damn you, they DO. A lot.

3.       I don’t really care about other people’s marks, but then I do care about them any way. Especially a few ‘special’ people.

4.       I just know that my marksheet is never going to live up to my expectations. The only reason for that anomaly is that my expectations are tall mountains the height of Everest, and the effort I put it, just about scales the local hill in my city.

5.       Even 10 years down the line, I’ll always look back on these undergraduate years and decide which year was best according to the marks I scored in that examination. So, first year is the worst, 2^nd the best and the two parts of final year still have to decide their places. I won’t look at all the things I managed to do, all the fun I had, all the friends I made, all the gossip I shared, all the quarrels I had. No, it’ll be those marks and that marks-covered glass through which I will view these 4.5 years.

I’m shit nervous right now. And this nervousness will only increase. The tentative date currently is 28^th Feb. Lucky me, I have my Basic Life Support training course on that day. It is going to last for 8 whole hours. So, I shall not be very close to my cell phone. In fact, I think I’ll change a few settings on my phone, so that I can only answer my family phone calls and messages. The rest of the world will be blocked, until I am ready to show my face to that world. You know, they say you’re whole life flashes before your eyes when you die. My whole undergraduate course flashes before my eyes, when I look at those marksheets; also, some decent memories from before my BJ years. All my achievements flash before my eyes. And that is good enough to make me look at that marksheet and be depressed for the rest of the day.

Dear God, give me strength. 

The Want-To and the Don't-Want-To

One of the worst things about holidays is that, although you know what all you want to do, you are too bored to push yourself into action. Ultimately, you end up wasting days one after the other and you enjoy that!

My list of things to do after exams get over included:

1

 Yeah, that’s a long list. I did not have a timetable as such, but I could imagine myself making something that looked like a timetable and following it. To follow a timetable, you need to make one. These holidays have been one big non-timetable event. I can’t bring myself to start following my own directions. I’ve spent the last 4.5 years following timetables – when to get up, when to brush my teeth, when to have a bath, have breakfast, read the newspaper….the number of hours I should study, the duration of my study breaks and what I should do in those breaks. I’ve done everything according to time. I designated each hour of the day for something specific and did follow that. So now, I’m so TIRED of doing it all over again and making myself feel like a prisoner of my own organization.

I just want to let go and waste time. I want to tell myself that its ok to do that, and I really deserve it too. So I might have some wonderful things that I have to do, but I’m doing them at my own leisure pace. It’s like there’s two of me (one with the organization & discipline that has been predominant for all the time I remember of College; and one that can be as lazy as the other can be disciplined, which is not even allowing that first self to make itself heard, let alone have an impact :-p )

So out of that whole list of things to do, I’ve managed some. Not to the extent of being maniacally good and sufficient at them, but better than a bad job. I’ve managed to get an idea about my future. Now all I need to do, is study to make it happen (oh Lord! It is back to studying soon….sigh). I have rearranged my study table a bit, and my room too. I can’t make up my mind about textbooks from the previous year which I’d kept my special library upstairs. I decided that can only be done when I make my study timetable. That is definitely not happening in the next 2 days at least.

I have also started pouring on cookbooks. We’ve had our super-microwave for about 3 years now and I’d never bothered to read the stickers on top of it door. They say : Ceramic Grill, Quartz Grill, Convection Cooking. Bloody hell, the microwave in my house was capable of grilled food, barbequed veggies, baked stuffed food, cakes and I never knew it!! Today, I’m going to try out the barbeque. Nothing very extravagant…just veggies and mushrooms. My mom and I were food- shopping day before yesterday, and I picked out my first packet of mushrooms. The thing about Mushrooms is- I LOVE THEM. The story behind this love began 8 years back, in 2004. We were on our tour of the South-East Asia. The airlines provided us with boiled mushrooms as a part of our vegetarian meal. At that time, although I knew what mushrooms were, I hadn’t eaten them before by themselves. Definitely not boiled mushrooms only. I was pretty much the only person in my family (of 4) who managed to eat them all ( like all the mushrooms designated to 3 of us), and I asked each of those nice little button-mushrooms just one question : “Where have you been all my life?!” That’s it. The start of a perfect story. Today, I’m still so so so crazy about mushrooms. Whenever we go out for dinner, my eyes always travel to the mushroom part of the menu. All the pastas I order always have one core ingredient – mushroom. All the appetizers I order have mushroom in some form or the other. One of my favourite places to eat out, is BarbequeNation. They have a wonderful live barbeque with mushrooms. I am chiefly responsible for the lack of mushrooms on the skewers :-p

As much as I love mushrooms, Mom has never cooked them at home. She says she’s worried about the quality of mushrooms and the way you prepare them. So, usually, when I’m in the mood for mushrooms, I usually get some takeaways. What that takes away from me, is that feeling of actually preparing them myself. I haven’t had the time, before right now, to make my own experiments with mushrooms. Day before yesterday, I decided – This is it. My Dad has been pestering me to get a start on the barbeque, and I can start off with barbequed Mushrooms. Once that is successful, I can move onto bigger things. Yes, today is that grand day. I shall have mushrooms made by myself. I am SO excited J

I am reminded of the movie Julie and Julia. I feel like Julie now. I’m mainly trying out recipes from cookbooks. I’m thinking of starting off with one by Tarla Dalal. Maybe the next few posts of my blog can be a part of the Jili & Tarla series :-p I hope in the next year or so, I can provide proof of my love of cooking. Currently, I’m pretty much stuck to providing Hakka Noodles and Veg Manchurian to any body who comes home for a meal. If I love cooking, I should be capable of doing more than that :-p

Ok, moving onto the other points on my list- I have checked out a few libraries around here. I really liked one. I think I shall go and get myself registered today. I need to get a move on my reading list. I miss those days, when I was so up-to-date with the latest books. Yes, I will start today. Yes I will!! I have also started off with my yoga and exercising. I’m experiencing that muscle ache I’m accustomed to, for the first few days of stretching. I took a break today. It is Sunday, and I can’t even walk straight :-p My aim to get myself into a shape that I can admire in the mirror. I don’t want to lose weight (hell, a few more kgs lost, and I shall definitely shift into the malnourished category), all I want to do is, shift the fat in my body to all the right places. I know that is more difficult than simply losing weight, but hey, you won’t know until you actually try it out.

As far as meeting up with friends goes, yeah, I think I’m really behind on that. But, after days of planning and cancelling, an old school friend of mine and I did end up meeting yesterday. That has given me immense hope, that I will meet each of my friends sooner or later :-p

Spanish is a language that has always enchanted me. But, guess it is these holidays. I have the numbers of classes close to my place, I’m just too lethargic to call. This one is going to take time. Where language comes into play, I also have to restart writing my diary. I know that once I sit to write it, I won’t stop till I finish. But inertia is inertia. Maybe a few days of exercise with give my mind the strength to get out that inertia.

And my grandparents. Yes, I have made quite a headway there. I go to meet them every Tuesday. It obviously isn’t the same as actually staying with them, but I try. I love the feel I get there. Ahh….yay, just two more days to Tuesday, and I’ll be back there J

That’s my holidays. At the end of these, I want to get rid of my dark circles, sleep A LOT, eat all my favourite food and waste time. Since about half my time is already over, I need to get things done and fast. Come on!!